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He has a girl in another state

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I need some advice.....

Here's the background:   I met a guy who moved to my city about two months ago.  We met and started 'dating' about a month ago.  We get along really well and have a lot in common.  We have fun together and I really enjoy his company..

Here's the problem:  When he moved, he was dating (online dating with Match.com) a woman.  According to him, they had decided that a long distance relationship (thru Match.com) would not work for either of them.  So, they decided to basically have an open relationship... they were each free to date using Match.com others while they are in different states.  Just after Labor Day, he had planned a trip to go see her (the trip was planned before I met him).  He went on the trip, hung out with her for four days, then came back to me.  Upon his return, he said that they left things the same way as they'd been - open relationship. .

More of the problem:  I feel like he has been honest with me from the beginning regarding her.  He came clean initially and told me about their relationship.  When he went to visit her, he told her about me.  So, we know about each other.  What bothers me is that she calls and sends text messages to him, saying things like "I hate myself for loving you" and "You must be with her, that's why you're not answering".  That makes me wonder if they aren't on the same page regarding their relationship, or he's not being totally honest with me about it..

I know he has feelings for her (I've asked him if he loves her, and he said no).  Obviously, they had a tight relationship (thru Match.com) before he moved because they are still keeping in contact and he went to visit her..

I just don't know if I'm being foolish and naive about this whole situation.  I really like this guy, but don't want to sacrifice my feelings.  I feel like if he had to make a choice, he'd rather be with her..

Any help or advice or suggestions will be appreciated...  Thanks for taking the time to read my posting! ..

Comments (5)

Your question was: He has a girl in another state.

If this guy is not going to give you what you want, which is a commitment or exclusivity, then you need to break up with him.  Since he did not change the status of his relationship (thru Match.com) with this other woman, it is safe to say that he would probably date using Match.com others in your city too.  The longer you stay with him the more broken hearted you may be when it is over.  Her text messages are a reflection of her wooing him from far away - flirting with him to maintain his attention towards her - that's all. .

I'm not a believer in fighting for a man's affections. Either he wants you or doesnt want you.  If he wants others..he may want you some...but not 100% - and that pretty much means that if you left ..his world would keep on turning...

Comment #1

<< I feel like if he had to make a choice, he'd rather be with her.>>.

Well, yah ... he probably would still be with just her if he hadn't moved.  So, they made an 'open' arrangement rather than breaking it off ... it's only a matter of time 'til someone gets wounded in this type of situation.

Bottom line:  if you're not comfortable dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy whom you have to share with someone else ... then, don't.  You dont' have to apologize for not liking that situation.   Most people wouldn't.    And sure, you agreed to it ... but, you didn't know if it would be difficult or not ... and now that you know that it isn't for you ... then, do what's best/right for you.  ..

Comment #2

Hey chica,.

I'm doing pretty good. I've been reeaaaal busy so haven't been on the boards  as much but I do try to pop in from time to time..

Hope everything is well with you too!..

Comment #3

Hey Wanttolove,.

IMHO......After a month or two of "dating" it is time to decide to move on or cut the cord. It seems to me that this guy has decided he is going to date  multiple women and keep his options open. You can not change his mind on this. It doesn't matter if she is there, or here, or at work, etc... He does not want to settle for a one on one relationship..

Best thing for YOU to decide at this time is can you "date" a man who is dating (online dating with Match.com) others, and can you "date" others while dating (online dating with Match.com) this man? If you are seeking an exclusive relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that, then you must cut the cord now and move on. You will find, and deserve, a man who wants only one woman at a time..

If you don't mind dating (online dating with Match.com) others then you must treat this as a much more casual "fling". Make room for dates with other guys for yourself.

Best of luck with whichever you choose, but always be true to yourself first!.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #4

He is being honest which is very good.  But there is clearly an attachment on both sides and if she's leaving such strong messages for him, well she's really into it, perhaps more than him as you suspect. .

 .

You've just been seeing each other 2 months so not a hugely long time, can't make any demands.  While relationship is open you should let him know you feel open to dating (online dating with Match.com) others as well. And you should do that.  But you don't want to continue this way indefinitely.  At a certain point, perhaps in a few months, a decison does have to be made.

,..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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