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He clicked "Show Interested" the Update

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Hey All,.

Special hello to sanfu- it's been awhile. Hope your doing well chicky!.

 .

As I posted before the ghost has somewhat returned. For background click my earlier post if interested... So I did email him, and stated (to what my friends said was too nice), but I wrote him back it went something like this. "Do you even know who you just showed interest in? If you take a closer look you may recognize me, if you do nice to speak to you again, hope all is well" I ended it no signature nothing. Well he responded that of course he knew it was me. Told me he's been dealing with a lot regarding his family.

Things I said that bothered him and scared him I suppose. I don't think it was all me, I mean he was going thru a divorce too. Anywho he said he just broke away, but he was sorry. He said he'd still like to talk to me if I wanted to and gave me his new number. Done..

I wrote him back thinking ok don't have any expectations, but he said I offended him (the hurt I felt when he left, we should be even) but fine I said after reading the main things he mentioned things I've regarded as NOTHING serious but to him it was, so fine, I apologized, told him I was sorry to hear about what he was dealing with in regards to his family (I mentioned his grandfather is really ill and he's very close to him), then said how good things were going with me told him all the things I've been doing since he left, said my # and email is still the same, if he needed to talk, I'm around. He read it..

Now everyone has said to me don't't call him. Which I don't plan on, he ended it he should if he really wanted to, reach out to me. I feel he wont. I feel he may have just been saying all that stuff to see where I was at this point in my life. When we were good, I always felt he felt I was too independent, and he seems the type of guy that wants to be needed. Hope you all understand what I'm saying.  I never grew up with guys in the house just me and my sister, so whenever things had to get done we did them.

I intimidate guys I feel at times with that. So now I'm sitting here like hmmm he read my email, he hasn't responded (though I told him I wont be on that site no time soon) but he has my number and my actual email, if he REALLY really wanted to catch up wouldn't I have received a call at this point?..

Comments (13)

Your question was: He clicked "Show Interested" the Update.

For me, personally,  I'd throw this guy back in the pond.  He is way too high maintenance..

Edited 9/26/2007 11:57 am ET by sassyflalassy..

Comment #1

I think the chances of something coming of this interaction are slim to none but the ball is definitely in his court.  I'd put him out of your mind and if he calls he callsbut I wouldn't count on much coming of it even if he does..

Sheri..

Comment #2

I see a few things going on here:.

He may have made contact with you via "show interested" because he may have just wanted to make peace with you and let you know that he was interested in you but maybe things were just too overwhelming for him.  I know that being divorced twice that getting involved during divorce proceedings is usually useless because you are not emotionally available.

You are independent and you cant fake that it shows in everything we do as women.  he needs to accept you for who you are and maybe he can compromise there.  he is in no position to be "needed" right now and maybe he is not aware of that on a conscious level which is something you can always relay to him if the opportunity ever comes up.

He is allowing you to reach out to him, I think, to see if you are really still interested in him.  he probably doesnt want to go through the motions only to find out later that you harbor resentment towards him or arent really into him.  Technically it would be nice to see some balls on the guy and see that he makes a valiant move towards you.  However, bravery seems to lacking everywhere these days.  Some people like to make fun of my "gladiator" fantasy but it is something I love.  If you have ever seen the movie "Gladiator" then you will remember the character Gen. Maximus, played by Russell Crowe.  I loved that character and I wanted him to be real so I could fall in love again.  Alas for me, he does not exist but he portrayed many characteristics of the type of man I would love to love: brave, believes in honor, noble, loving, protective, tender and loyal to his family, and so on.  So many women want a "prince charming" - I dont.  Princes seem sooooo flacid to me I guess because they have led a cushy life and havent had to struggle to survive or display any honor because usually everything goes their way..

You have something to think about and whichever way you go, just make sure that you do what is right for YOU, not necessarily him out of pity...

Comment #3

Thank you everyone for sharing your advice!.

Snafu- Wow your response made me feel so much better. I'm sitting here like don't be dumb again Lee, ya know. I tossed the ball at him it's still up to me regardless, be it I call or not. I was thinking the same thing you mentioned, be a man about it. But I also feel he wants to see if I'm still interested (something I intentionally left out) or if my intentions are going to be "play ball".  He gave me his status and claims he's interested and wants a nother go hmmmm.

I want to call him more so because when I lost my mom it was great to have someone at that time to talk to (even when I found out later this other fella was cheating on his lady with me-pill). He did me wrong but again he had other things going on as well. So confused lol.  I have faith, very strong and I asked to have him in someway or another apologize.  It seemed ill fated that day would never come and now I get my apology and whole bumch of other mixed emotions. I totally wasn't expecting him to say in email he wanted to talk with me and leave me his number.

I';m not playing games and if I call which I feel I may do will be when I am ready. I'm not looking for anything and I think the whole "let him call you" is me feelin I acheived something or give me that "see now he wants me.", I don't really see anything happening or blossoming, I just want the ability to, I don't know show him he missed out, just by being a friend. And I mean just that no FWB over this way...

Thanks hun,.

How are things going with you? BTW I did Love Russel Crowe in Gladiator, and ha men like that are only in my dreams. LOL.

 .

All the best everyone!..

Comment #4

Hi All,.

Looking for some comfort, I suppose..

**Snafu thanks for the email, much appreciated you taking the time out..

But I'm back to getting over the "ghost". I sent him an email just saying how I felt about how he left, and how I didn't want to set myself up for the hurt again. And I didn't deserve what happened. Told him to have fun on the dating (online dating with Match.com) site, and how I wont compete with the others he's speaking to because I'm not at the getting to know you stage anymore. He responded with I'm 100% right, he understands but he had a lot going on at the time, and I didn't deserve that. he didnt' know what he wanted, what I was thinking and his divorce was a huge factor, but ended with he has a good heart and feels horrible that he hurt me, and he's sorry for the pain he caused me.

So I wrote him back letting him know I'm not looking to "blame" I understood he had thigs going on but communication would have totally taken care of things. I said I'm still interested in getting to know him, and I wasn't ready for him to say bye just yet. No response..

We spoke on the phone prior to the email briefly and played catch up. In that I told him I'd add him to my myspace when I find him. He said sure he doesn't check it often but do that. Well I found him and I sent the request with a brief email asking him about an event he had going on around the time he ghosted, then since he doesn't check myspace much I sent an email to him on the dating (online dating with Match.com) site (he's on that EVERYDAY)  that said accept me on myspace. Done. He read both, no response but he did accept me.



I feel like he's done with me again. This is how it went down the last time me reaching out to find he's not around. So after the emails I sent yesterday I've deceided to let it go. If he was REALLY interested in me he would be making an effort to speak to me, he'd respond to my emails right? Not just updating his personal add. I closed my account too,  had planned on doing it before he appeared but this gave me all the reason more to do it. Someone (another poster)  had said "if he's ignoring you now, he'll ignore that too".

So readers any one have any suggestions on how not to feel dissapointed in yourself for allowing a ghost back in. Really torn up so please not to harsh, I've heard so much already..

Thank you,.

Lee..

Comment #5

You decided to take a chance that you knew was a long shot, so I'm not sure why you'd be "disappointed" in yourself.  Now, if you were *expecting* a different outcome (as opposed to hoping for one but recognizing that wasn't likely given what had happened before), then that wasn't realistic and that's the lesson you can take from the experienceyou need to be prepared for and ok with ALL possible outcomes when you take an action..

Sheri.

 ..

Comment #6

<< So readers any one have any suggestions on how not to feel dissapointed in yourself for allowing a ghost back in.>>.

When I was reading your post ... my thought was "gosh, for someone who said she doesn't want to get hurt like that again ... it kinda seems like she's setting herself up for it again".   It seemed like you were chasing him down (ie, asking him to accept you on his myspace).     You shouldnt' have to ask ... if he wanted to, he would.   So, it seems like you were trying much too hard keep the contact alive... even though it was barely on life support, kwim? .

And, unfortunately, that's what happened ... however, this time, yes ... you allowed it.  Not trying to be harsh ... but, the only way to not be disappointed in yourself is to admit and accept that you set yourself up on this one ... and make a vow to yourself that you won't do that again..

Good luck ... chin up ... better times ahead!..

Comment #7

Hey Lee, I didnt hear back from you so I was hoping you were okay. You are doing the right thing.   You want a guy who goes out of his way to speak to you and write to you, not someone who treats you like you are an afterthought..

The poster who said the phrase about a guy ignoring you is probably correct.  Trust me....right now men are going to be cruel - because of what is going on in America.  But one day...they are going to ,all of a sudden, act like Mr. Nice Guy. And you have to be strong for when that time comes and never never never let them back into your life at that point.  It is like when the clock strikes 12 on some magical day in some magical month...all of a sudden a guy will turn nice. .

My personal feeling is this:  "if you can be cruel to me NOW (especially with what I am going through in life), even though I have never done anything to hurt YOU, then you are no longer welcome in my life.  Dont EVER think of coming near my world because I will ENJOY tearing you a new a$$hole for the lowly cruel coward that you are ...and pretty stupid too if you ask me.  You HURT me and I dont deserve that.  The mere act of pretending that I dont exist...  IS a CRIME in and of itself and is part of any victimization anyone has heaped upon me.  If you cant be "real" with me NOW because of some sort of constraint that you fictionalize to be viable, and have to roleplay yourself right out of my life...then you are NO man for me.  I want a "rule" breaker.  I want a man who has a heart.  I want a man who is brave enough to take the boos...YOU are not (hypocrite).  If you cant be a real man and contact me and tell me in a direct manner that you are not interested in me and have to hurt me the way you did...then you deserve all the hell on earth."  "oh....and by the way...I hope your psycho ex never lets you have one day's worth of peace for the rest of your life - because you DO deserve that."  Lee, I know you can relate to some of that.  Boy...that felt good.  But you know what?  Men always think I play coy or hard to get when I say those things to them...and I am not doing that.  I am telling them to get the heck out of my life.  But they always come back...and then I get to verbally thrash them again..

My policy has always been to not give any man a second chance and it has worked for me in my life.  But I understand that the pickings are kind of slim out there so women are becoming more open to receiving an ex back in her life.  Bad idea depending upon WHY the break took place to begin with.  The longer you can go without speaking to him or seeing him or corresponding with him...the stronger you will be if you ever have to face him again, by accident.  I know that about me...the longer I am away from a guy...the stronger and colder I get (colder towards him - not all guys).  Oh...maybe he'll say, "I just want to know you."  Yeah?  You want to "know" me?  I dont think so.  I wanted to date using Match.com you...not "know" you...so you STILL dont measure up..

Lee, if you need to email me privately again, just do so.  We will both meet men one day who will treat us right FROM THE BEGINNING - regardless of their personal or business ventures. I am also not a believer in rough starts to relationships - I think they spell doom...

Comment #8

I almost forgot to address your question: " So readers any one have any suggestions on how not to feel dissapointed in yourself for allowing a ghost back in.".

I dont think you can avoid feeling disappointment in how it worked out.  As far as disappointment in yourself...you can look at it from the perspective of some people who say that "to forgive is divine".  If you feel disappointment in yourself then try to focus on the aspect of yourself that you feel is crucial to your behavior.  And then work on that.  You may still feel disappointment in yourself today...but you may feel differently about yourself down the road...

Comment #9

Hiya,.

Thank you all for your advice. I will admit I DID act quickly, and it was my intetnions. You (starbuck) said I set myself up and yeah I feel I did. I think it was more personal for me to see how fast I could push him away or have him do as he did to "get it over with". My friends weren't very supportive about him reappearing and said "don't speak to him at all". But if I ignored him I would ave wondred, so I did.

Doubt a major problem for me  Like I said I was scared this would be the outcome again. My fault perhaps, and thats where the dissapointment comes in. I can't even blame him, and say one day he'll be wishing it was me. Ha! He's probably happy he's gotten the guilt of ghosting out of the way and is away from me..

I want to say he's a nice guy who was going thru stuff and right now I can't blame him for not speaking to me, but I still hurt. The truth is he and I will never be,  I killed that chance this time. I had a great time with him but looks like that time is finally up, and it's hard to grasp more so..

But I can't change what has already happened, I wish I could but I've done enough, so I'm dealing..

Thanks again, snafu! I thought I sent you a personal email response? maybe it didn't go thru. Thanks for your sweet words..

Should I avoid contacting him anymore? Like I said I hadn't planned on contacting him. But there's a holiday we both share coming up, everyone contacts one another, should I totally avoid contacting him? He's still on my myspace do I erase him from my account (again). Or do I just let this fade away? So confused, I feel I've spoken too much and have overwhelmed him.

I don't have a prayer fixing this do I? lol.

Lee..

Comment #10

"Should I avoid contacting him anymore? Like I said I hadn't planned on contacting him. But there's a holiday we both share coming up, everyone contacts one another, should I totally avoid contacting him? He's still on my myspace do I erase him from my account (again). Or do I just let this fade away? So confused, I feel I've spoken too much and have overwhelmed him.".

I would avoid contacting him and why not erase him from your account so that you are never exposed to him again.  Even if you did initially overwhelm him...stop taking the hit for him.  So many times women take the hit for men and blame themselves and give excuses to men instead of expecting men to pull their weight, act like an adult, and treat us with respect.  .

Look at what happened to me recently:  a guy decided to pull a fancy move on me and humiliate me and disrespect me and all while I am being victimized...maybe he had (what he considers - ugh)  an "altruistic "ulterior motive somewhere warped in the windmills of his mind...okay..so what?  He was cruel and vicious and lacked sound judgment, SCHEMED behind my back instead of dealing with ME head on ( and the stupid woman he did this with ACTUALLY went along with this...even though she is a woman - SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER - BUT SHE IS SHALLOW), and sacrificed my heart, my soul and my mind - increased my mental battery...instead of taking on the powers that be...head on...and taking some hits himself FOR ME and do the RIGHT thing.  Why not sacrifice HIS mind, HIS heart, HIS soul? - because it is EASIER to BEAT UP on me.  I'm supposed to thank him?  H*ll no.  Anytime someone makes a decision for me it is always the wrong decision. .

I cant deal with schemers and manipulators or men who need to beat up a woman mentally while saying he is helping her - how sick.   And people actually believe him - that mental abuse is okay if you are helping someone - absolutely NOT.  I would never trust this man ever again..and hopefully he realizes that he needs some mental counselling so that he can understand why he thinks it is okay to further beat up a woman who has been beaten down for the last 6 years instead of working towards her well being.  He HAD to have had the opposite of an altruistic ulterior motive tucked inside of that verbalized goal of his...beat me up some more so I take his crap and his crappy reasons for why he did this to me..

 He did not display any love towards me - he took the easy way out.  "oh but maybe he loves you" someone could say...again...so what?  If he cant love me the way I deserve and need and want to be loved...who the h*ll cares what he feels - what he feels is dysfunctional?.

"I don't have a prayer fixing this do I? lol"> why would you want to?..

Comment #11

<< Should I avoid contacting him anymore?>>.

Yes!  and furthermore, ask yourself "why would I *want* to?".

<<But there's a holiday we both share coming up, everyone contacts one another, should I totally avoid contacting him? >>.

But .........

As long as you put a "but" in there ... you'll have an excuse to contact him.   Again, why would you want to?  Friends ... people who like, respect, admire, appreciate ... don't ghost on each other.   He ghosted on you so ... he's not your friend.   If this holiday comes up ... and if he wants to be make amends with you and contacts you then ...

But, I don't get why you are bending over backwards to keep in touch with someone who ghosted on you?.

<< He's still on my myspace do I erase him from my account (again). >>.

No, you don't have to do anything ... just let it be.  As it is, he doesn't check his myspace often anyway, right?  So, why bother removing him?  .

<< Or do I just let this fade away? >>.

It already has ... you're just hoping to keep it alive (sorry, I dont mean for that to sound bad ....).

<< I don't have a prayer fixing this do I? lol >>.

Again, ask yourself "why would I want to?".

 ..

Comment #12

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I did some thinking and everything you mentioned I've already established as what needs to be done. I was thinking no matter what, I said or did,  anything if it at all matter to him to contact me he would. I don't have to do any more, there's nothing else to be done..

Thanks again,.

*..

Comment #13


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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