Have you tried

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My first question is: Have you tried

My next question is: Background: I was married many years so I've been out of the game as it were. My boyfriend of over one year is younger and unbelievably adorable (but I'm no slouch either)..SSo this is what I just still can't get over. I knew he was a playboy and that women swarm around him like bees, so I knew he'd been around, but a few months back I asked him the number..he said very casually, "oh, about 50". That's not counting his one nite stands! And no, he's not a jerk, these exe's love  him and would gladly swoop back in! My big #is three. so I about fainted!!!He keeps telling me, I was always looking for the right one and didn't find her till you (and his friends do confirm this). He was married 7 years at one point, so he can commit.tHe tries to reassure me "I'd never go back to them,or think of them, because you are in a totally different league from those  women.

I need some guys with A LOT of experience to give me your perspective when you find some one you're in love with. I't like these women hover over my head when we're together ...the number staggers me!!! Advice please!!!.


Comments (17)

Your question was: Have you tried

It's not anything to do with him, in my opinion, but with yourself and your own self-esteem.  I once dated a guy who had been with alot of girls too.  It didn't really bother me because I knew he loved *me* and that there wasn't any way any of those girls could have topped me.    I think if he treats you well, that's all that should matter.  Who cares how many women he has slept with?.

Edited 11/4/2007 3:49 pm ET by allieshmatt..

Comment #1

I can't give you any advice, I'll just give you mine and my bf's respective 'numbers' lol. Me, 37, neither ugly nor fat lol,  used-to-be wild girl out for as much fun as possible - around 50 (that I remember of - could be more) lol. Him, 40, gorgeous, used-to-be womanising b-d of the century with morals of a stray cat - firmly in 3-digits, around 200 if not more. LOL. Such is life. No big deal.

So he's been what? You'll get all the benefits! *wink*! Good luck!..

Comment #2

How old is he? Is this from teen years?  How many were casual (not one night stands but not serious) - Has he been tested for STDS?  Are you practicing safe sex?  Is he the faithful sort - as in during his marriage? You have been with him for nearly a year so that's stability there. Why did he have so many lovers? What drove him? Is that no longer driving him?.

Anyway I'm not saying oh forget it but yeah you do want to be sure you really know him.


Comment #3

Thanks for the replies. Well, he's 40. He was married for 7 years at age 27. He had what he called "twenty before twenty" bet with his friend. He said about   5 were girlfriends, the others were brief flings or ONS. In his early twenties he traveled most of the world , and had a good time, At this time, I think he had some threesomes.

Broke it off because wife was verbally abusive, which I confirmed with friends. Then went back to serial dating, often for 3 months, with the women knowing it was "we'll see where it goes-no commitment. Interestingly, these girls still like him and occasionally email him, some more than I liked. I've been with him now over a year, he's with me all the time. He says he's 100% done with being a playboy, has seen it, done it all, wants a normal happy life with the love of his life.

And his friends confirm he is totally behaving himself...When I ask him about these brief flings, he'll say "oh, some of the girls just wanted a quick fling, were adventurous, we realized we weren't compatable, etc. Never talks bad about any of them. I would like to be like some of the prior posts who can get over this, but I am having trouble. Perhaps because I never did much (married) and so I wonder how people, men in particular look back at so many encounters. Do they often think of all these other women, or she did that better, or are they banished to a back corner.

It is on my mind alot. I really want to know more details, I feel it would help me set it to rest, but he says" I know you like to talk about these things, but there are things I've done that I'm not exactly proud of.....

Comment #4

This may not be a popular opinion but I VERY much would be concerned.Men are MUCH different in the area of sex then woman. Doesn't mean we woman are fuddy duddys either. I love the act myself in a marriage close relationship.I say for men that play around that much there is a possible issue of sexual addiction. Seriously.I say this from experience not because I am a fuddy duddy. But those who think that their man can sleep around with every Kim, Holly, and whomever and not think or fantisize about them while with you is EXTREMELY nieve.Unless of course has the ability to block those images out and completely forget about it which is VERY difficult for a man whom is visual being.#1 I would VERY much make sure he is free from STD's. PERIOD!! Not worth it.

Have you had any of those.Chances are VERY good he has. YOu have a right to know in my opinion.#2 if he was with all those woman VERY high probability this man has lust/sex issues.Some woman may not have a problem with this but for me I seriously do.I prefer for me and my husband of 17 years to be ONE not one, two three etc. THere is nothing lasting in that. ANd what I mean by that is who wouldn't want their Man thinking of them while making love and not Pam anderson or some sexy high school sweetheart.GIRLS you are VERY nieve if you believe that men don't fantasize about others while with you if they have played that much.Chances are he has a very interesting thought life. AGain for some it may not be bothersome to their relationship (thru which TOTALLY boggles me.I think woman have the intense need to feel secure in our relationships.

All I can say is that from past experience for which I won't go into detail out of respect for my spouse that he as well as I would consider this to be extremely important and both he and I would both agree that unless he had help to deal with the reason WHY he went through all those sexual partners I doubt he has changed.Maybe physically able to contain himself but mentally. NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!BTDT!!!!! and when we took classes and counceling about this I learned so much about men I sort of wish I never knew. But at least I am not in the nieve mode now.WE have had to deal with so much healing that I would NOT recommend this for anyone.Even fantasy life is dangerous. ANd VERY VERY Unfulfilling. One who fantisizes will NEVER be happy or feel full.YOu want more and more and more!THere are some books on this subject that you can read.

ABSOLUTELY I am living proof.We both had some sexual addiction issues to be honest. Again I think if we are totally honest with ourselves we prefer our spouses or boyfriends would look at us as their princess and treat us with such respect intead of thinking or goggling over the neighbor in tight shorts next door.ITs called the human need to feel secure and I don't see anything wrong with security.My spouse and I are happier now then we ever have been through MUCH MUCH healing. ANd still healing due to the addiction.Once again if a man has been with that many woman and men being the way they are "highly visual" and the ability to play visions in their head cleary I would suspect someone who has some lust/sex addiction issues currently.Doesn't mean that he is a jerk just means he may and I want to clarify MAY have a serious issue that you may want to consider.This sounds harsh but I don't want someone else going blindly like I did. It was the worst hell I think I went through.Now I had another friend who her and her spouse went thru "many" and they are healthy.So perhaps that is your case I don't know.Just want to through the option out there that if you don't know how a male brain thinks.Now is the time to learn and ask him his thought life if that is something that will bother you.Good luck..

Comment #5

Interesting....what did you go thru? Did your husband have sexual issues?  I have made sure my BF has no STD's. (I'm a doctor). Interesting point about if he's had so many partners, what is the driving force...I'm not sure...I know he's very cute, likes women and they LOVE him, and he didn't want to settle down at that point. His best friend has told me "he never chased women.  Didn't have to -they chased him".I want to know more about his past, but he's pretty vague and resistant. Says it's the past, he's not that proud of it so doesn't want to rehash it. Been with him over a year, I'm a total detective  hawk, (I watch his emails..yes indeed and make no apologies about this surveillance) and haven't seen any misbehaviors...your thoughts...?..

Comment #6

Oh, P.S. I don't think I could be surprised by any male fantasies. I've read "Men in Love" by Nancy Friday. There's an eye opener. Plus, I've seen many men who've seen me as a doctor, with all their secrets, indiscretions, etc. I'm not sure, but I doubt women can successfully change a man's fantasy life.  Any thoughts from guys??.


Comment #7

I know I am not a guy but I can speak from my husbands point of view.NO we woman cannot change our husbands thought life directly.However I will say that since my husband doesn't have those fantasies anymore our private life has never been more fulfilling with more trust, love and a ONE ship I cannot explain.Before there was always a barrier type feeling between us. Like he wasn't really there.Not sure if that makes sense.But he is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO greatful that he has changed. No more guilt no more feeling like he is cheating and now feels satisfied instead of a unsatiable thirst for more and more and never being filled. That is what sexual addictions/porn/multiple partners and lusting all day long does. Leaves you feeling empty in the long run.My spouse isn't the only one I had some of my own issues with sexual addiction as well.I am much more fulfilled getting rid of that lifestyle.You can be filled with just your spouse. Guys that have come out of the playboy fantisy life have admitted that is a life much more freeing without the bondage.I cannot speak for all guys but only the men we had classes with and experiencing it within myself.

It is indeed what he intended when he made us.For us as a couple to be one. I didn't make my husband change. I knew I couldn't do that, when the guilt got to him he asked for help.BUt I do believe my conduct helped along the way.I am not a womans libber quite the opposite and I totally believe that pleasing my man by serving him in any way I can physically, emotionally etc is what brought him out of his pit.He hated to feel like such a jerk when he would come home with a well prepared meal after work and someone who cherishes him and serves him and gives him pleasure. SOrry if too much info. I never once withheld from him in this area as I have a high drive too.

Thank goodness for that.I LOVE to serve. It is my nature. Not always good thing because you can get walked on but it blesses me to see him blessed.I like to make him feel like the king of our castle. ANd honored and respected.And I love the respect and honor I NOW get in return and didn't before because his focus was not on me. It was on some cute 18 year old chick walking down the street and "why doesn't my wife look like that" etc etc.

I know that may seem selfish but I think all humans love respect and honor.I even get my kids involved to treat him with respect and serve him.Does he always deserve it? No but I don't either by a long shot.My advice would be to follow your heart.If you feel weird about what he may be thinking while you are together. Chances are you are right. I believe in womans intuition extremely.SO does my husband!!If you feel like it was 50 partners that is bugging you but feel he doesn't think about those woman anymore and sincerely does not want to be a "player" anymore then go with that intuition. The past is indeed just that.If he indeed is sincere then you need to move on about his past and forgive.But if you feel their is a chance of him being unfaithful whatever you think unfaithfulness is then go with that and act upon it whatever that may be.Or you can be like some on here who don't mind if their husbands minds stray.Which I don't get but thats not my relationship.SO can we change our partners thought life. NO WAY!Can we by our actions make them think twice about their fantasies and whether it is right or not.

Love is much more fullfilling.It is a deep respect and service for the other. And a oneness you cannot share with anyone else.Including the thought life.My 2 cents and probably not a popular one but sticking my neck out anyway. LOL...

Comment #8

<GIRLS you are VERY nieve if you believe that men don't fantasize about others while with you if they have played that much.Chances are he has a very interesting thought life. AGain for some it may not be bothersome to their relationship (thru which TOTALLY boggles me.>I think of this in a very different light. How can you expect as a wife or GF to police a man's thoughts and fantasies? Why would you want to? I don't want him telling me what to think about and when. If he thinks about Angelina Jolie or whoever while were having sex, that's not a slight to me at all. Especially if I am getting the benefit of that fantasy. If he is with me, then he is with me.

As long as the guy is able to distinguish between fantasy and reality, I see no harm in him fantasizing about another women while we are together. As long as his fantasies don't lead to action (leaving you for another woman) then there is no harm done (for me anyway)..



Comment #9

Not a guy like you want to hear from, but I can tell you that at 40 years old, the man has a history. Especially for a man that has been single for much of that time. He has definitely had his fun, been around and is probably dead on set on getting married and being in a monogomous relationship.

My son is 24 next month and plays the field.  I was just talking about him last night with my BF and said that when the right woman comes along, he will know it and he will be ready for her.

You know the saying...."Never a question if you aren't sure of the answer". Well, there is some wisdom in that. You asked the question, now can you live with the answer?.

Trust him. Without trust, there is no relationship (thru anyway.

Good luck to you!.



Comment #10

 I hope you become a 'Poster Woman', as to WHY you DO NOT ask this question. What's it really matter, if he say's 5 or 500. YOU... are putting too much into it.

 I hope that you will teach other women to NOT ask this question. You're an example of why NOT to do this..

 Pass on the advice. Save some other girl the issue you're dealing with..


Comment #11

I have had a situation very much like yours.  I was married for 28 years.  I have been with 6 guys in my whole life. After my divorce, I began dating (online dating with a bit younger guy who had had a marriage lasting a year and a very extensive history of girlfriends.  I found all his stories fascinating and horrifying at the same time, but I could not get enough of the details.  When I realized one day that he had told me about 50 women, and I was hearing about a new one every week or so, I just wanted to stop.  It really made me wonder what he was thinking and I kept replaying all these women I had never met in my head, and it hurt like heck..

I am now with an even younger guy, and he also has about 30 women in his past.  But this time around, I have learned NOT to ask anything about them.  I sometimes listen a bit if he brings one up, but I let him know I don't have much interest.  I have finally learned to take care of my feelings, because I, too, cannot understand what it is like to have "known" so many people intimately.  I am just old-fashioned, but it does bother me  greatly.  I have had to accept I will never understand how men think, and how they separate love and sex so easily.  To me, sex has never been recreation.  I don't judge anyone who does that; I just don't understand or trust it.

So, my solution has been to close my ears to it.  Not a very comfortable solution, but one that keeps me from being hurt.  Actually, I have come to realize that that number is not really high for most guys...

Comment #12

 I'm going to assume this was meant for the OP (original poster), but I think you clicked reply under MY name. It's all good though, I did the same when I was a 'rookie' here. LoL..

 A side note: did you know that the 'average' man, will only have 2-3 sexual partners his whole life? It's a world average, but a statistic nonetheless..

 Have a good one....


Comment #13

What you might want to do is to not discuss his encounters or get into specifics about the women he had those encounters with.  Some guys think that women are okay with that, when most times...women are not okay with it, but dont show it.  But why is it bothering you now...after you have been with him for a year?.

Hmmm, 50 women and he is 40...not including one night stands.  He obviously has not had many long term relationships and that is why his number is high to you.  Think about it...if someone dates 3 people in a year...multiply that by 20 years...and it seems like a big number, but in reality many people date using more than 3 in a year.  I once knew a guy in college who, by the time we had our little tryst, was up to 100 women.   I stay close mouthed about how many men I have slept with because it tends to cloud some mens' thinking too..

50 isnt such a horrible number...1000 would be worse and then you'd probably see him as scummy.  There is such a thing as a man having had sex with *too* many women.  I am a bit prejudicial that way myself..

Just a little secret..when men have threesomes what they dont understand sometimes is that the women they are having threesomes with...are either gay or bisexual (in many cases) and enjoy having sex more with each other than the guy, hehe.  I have known some men to walk away completely dejected after having a threesome and I cant help but to laugh at them because they were so poofed up with their egos walking into it that they deserved that smack.  Also, you dont know how those encounters terms of excitement or try to not work yourself up into a tizzy for no reason.  If you allow yourself to do that about his past "lays" then it will affect YOUR performance in you will fulfill your own destiny by becoming what you dont want to become..

As far as him thinking about his past encounters, I'm sure he does *think* about them.  Maybe he doesnt think about dating (online dating with those women again, but I'm sure he does think about days gone by.  I think most people do that.  What you dont want is him fantasizing about those women while he is having sex with you....that would be bad.   Are you jealous about him, per se, or that it doesnt seem that the decks are stacked evenly and he may not feel the same pangs about you and your past?  Like he has one up over you?  Just a thought...

Comment #14

Hmmmm.  Very interesting email. Thanks for taking the time. Yes, it bothers me he's had way more partners - because I find it very hard to wrap my head around how that would feel. It's difficult for me to separate emotion and sex, so all the superficial relationships he had are hard to understand. I know his 3 ways were in his 20's. He knows my past history (since it's so short) but he's so secretive with his.

He's pretty resistant though: always says the past is past, don't turn over old stones -but if the stones are becoming boulders in my mind....hmmm what to do? I personally feel if one is moving deeper into a committed relationship, possibly marriage, they need to be more honest. Like I told a friend: right now I'm leasing the car, but if I buy it, I want to know where it's driven? (of course that is a loose parallel - I know we don't own the other person, but you see what I mean?)..

Comment #15

If you knew for a fact that there is a Mine Field directly in front of you and that you are at significant risk to be blown up - would you walk through the Mine Field or choose avoid it and walk around it?.

Very few men will take the risk of being judged and blown up by sharing details on things that are in the past and have nothing to do with you.  Chances are he would rather break up with you than go through your inquisition.  Understand that potential consequence before making your final decision on how to proceed..

The bottom line is - his past has nothing to do with you...

Comment #16

You are welcome =). .

"because I find it very hard to wrap my head around how that would feel.">  yeah, I can understand that if you cannot separate sex from emotions that it would confound you.  I can to some extent...but not as well as men can..

Too much info can be a bad thing because you could end up ruminating over those test drives..hehe...and eventually psyche yourself out. But, if you know yourself well enough to know that you wouldnt do that to yourself then go for it and find out what type of liasons he's had..

"Like I told a friend: right now I'm leasing the car, but if I buy it, I want to know where it's driven? (of course that is a loose parallel - I know we don't own the other person, but you see what I mean?)".

> I know exactly what you mean.  But you could end up getting grossed out and then when you see him you go "ewww why did you have to do that to yourself?  And why did you pick such an array of skanks?"  and my favorite thought..."I hope you disinfected that thing of yours after sleeping with those skanks before you approach me with it."  While I dont talk much about my past, I can say that at least I dont have any gross-out factors in my past.  And it is a good thing I didnt talk much about my past because everyone in my life became loose-lipped about me and past does not come back to haunt me..

I'm sure what was going through his mind was "I'd like to get laid" and not much more than that, hehe..

"always says the past is past, don't turn over old stones -but if the stones are becoming boulders in my mind....hmmm what to do?"> the question is...if the shoe were on the other foot...would you want your past to become an obstacle to the present?..

Comment #17

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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