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My first question is: Have you ever met anyone worthwhile on dating website like match.com?.

My next question is: About a month or so ago I met a man online.  We chat every night; speak often on the phone and our relationship (thru Match.com) has become what I can only describe as intense.  We are meeting in real life in 7 weeks time when I fly out to a big city in his country and we are going to stay at a hotel there for a weekend.  He sms's me every day and is passionate and romantic and we seem to have a connection.  However...he is very handsome and I wondered how in his country such a cute man of 33 could still be single?? I asked him if he'd been married and he said yes and he'd got 2 kids.  The next day he said that he has been separated for a year and hasn't asked for a divorce because he loves his daughter and doesnt want to jeopardise the visits to her.  The town that he lives in is not very interesting but he wants me to move there and says I could get work.  I was planning to move to his country but the capital city is too far away from him.  The thing is; I feel uncomfortable about dating (online dating with Match.com) a separated man.  However..I am 20 years older than him (he doesnt know it) and cannot have children so basically feel that even if he were single it would be useless to marry him anyway.  For what??  For a menopausal woman probably he is the best option; he wants a lover obviously but doesnt want another family.  So - unlike other men who have run away once they find out my age to him it will be irrelevant since he is not in the market for anything serious at least at the moment.  He has been separated a year (there was a gf for a while after that) and we seem to have a connection.  I think I ought to try out living in his town for a year at least to see where things go and if he (1) wants simply to make booty calls (2) doesnt treat me as a gf i.e. introducing me to friends and taking me out then I will know the strength of it and relocate to the capital.  If I dont start the first year in that country in his town then we will never know whether anything substantial could develop out of it.  Does this all seem reasonable?    He says that his marital status etc is HIS problem but I see it as mine as well if eg the ex wife starts to give problems.  Again..I will never know if that would be the case or not if I dont at least try it out.  I was myself separated for 3 years awaiting a divorce so I suppose I can sympathise but I never had children and this is what worries me really..

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Comments (12)

Your question was: Have you ever met anyone worthwhile on dating website like match.com?.

You haven't told him your age and he's legally married and has no plans to divorce, to me this does not sound like the basis for a long-term commited relationship.  I'm not sure what country he lives in, but if the only thing that's keeping him from getting a divorce is his child, well, I'm not buying it..

Carrie..

Comment #1

Be careful on this one.  To me you are giving off two signals.  One - you are looking for something long term with this man.  Two - you might not mind a fling.  Be sure your heart can handle only getting a fling.  I dated a man that was separated and went through his divorce.  It ended up being a disaster and now all I feel is a bit played.  So if you're truly going into this with an honest opinion that this is a fling, then okay.  (just be safe)  I'm now dating (online dating with Match.com) another divorced man and before I leapt into this again, I read the book, dating (online dating with Match.com) the Divorced Man, by Christie Hartman.  I highly recommend this book.  It was a few chapters that specifically deal with dating (online dating with Match.com) separated men.  They have lots of issues that we would have never thought of.  My last guy told me he didn't want to keep working at his marriage it was over, but my goodness he had so much guilt I was floored.  To me this was a contradiction.  Dealing with his kids will be very hard.  The book I mentioned will help a little with this as well.  My new guy (who's great) has two kids and I'm figuring it out day by day.  I don't agree with you man that his martial status is his problem.  You obviously have an opinion about this.  I do agree that if any problems arise with his wife (she's not an ex yet) or the kids, then he has to deal with them.  You sound like a good person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, which is very admirable.  Just be sure that you do not get hurt along the way!!!!  I'd tell him your age before your visit.  This way you are both being open and honest up front.  A relationship (thru Match.com) can't be good with out both!!.

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Gook Luck!!.

Kristie..

Comment #2

You're putting the cart WAY before the horse hereyou need to meet the guy in person before you start thinking about anything else..

An "intense relationship" where you've never met in person is one that doesn't exist in reality, IMO..

You've gone through this type of thing before, haven't you?  Have you learned from those experiences?.

Sheri.

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Comment #3

"The next day he said that he has been separated for a year and hasn't asked for a divorce because he loves his daughter and doesnt want to jeopardise the visits to her.".

And you believe this?.

"However..I am 20 years older than him (he doesnt know it) and cannot have children so basically feel that even if he were single it would be useless to marry him anyway.".

You dont have any relationship (thru Match.com) here or any kind of respect for this man if you can deceive him this way.   You sound desperate...what gives?..

Comment #4

There are several issues going on, first why have you not told him about your age, why are you deceiving him? Secondly, you deserve someone who is not married, how can you fall for his excuse in having children to not file for divorce. Please, either he wants out or not. When someone does, they will get out the right way with without stringing someone else along. Also, it sounds like you too are alike in deceiving each other, remember what you do to him, he's also doing to you, you both have the same deceiving behaviour. Why in the world would you move to his country, have not even met him in person, and what do you think he will say when he see's you. Do you look twenty years younger to where he may think you're around his age.

Remember what goes around, comes around. It does not sound like you are serious either, because if you were you would have already disclosed your age to him, makes me wonder what else you both have kept from each other. Not a healthy way to start a relationship. From what I have read in other posts, when someone is married, there is no such thing as dating, it's called affair..

Anna.

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Comment #5

Ok - I haven't read teh other responses yet but Hon, you are putting the cart WAY ahead of the horse - you haven't even met the man face to face yet and you are worrying about living in his town, how he 'might' treat you and ex wife giving problems....and you haven't told him you are significantly older than he..

Do you not see how ridiculous this is? Meet the guy first and then let things develop naturally. All this speculation is pointless...

Toni..

Comment #6

Thanks for the input  I don't think a relationship (thru Match.com) with a separated person is an affair if the person is trying to get a divorce and has serious intentions.  This guy doesn't, and he didn't even BEFORE I told him my age (which I did last night online).  Listen to the other things:.

I am going to see him in his country for a weekend in 6 weeks time and I thought he was going to stay elsewhere in the city but he asked me to book a room for us both in the hotel since he has lent a lot of money to his friend and has no money for a separate room!  I stupidly bought this!.

In his online chats he talks about how much he wants me etc.  He lately started talking about other things i.e. his work my work but I feel he has a one-track mind and told him I didn't like it..

When I told him my age he said he didnt like it but that he still liked me.  He said in that case he could never marry me but would have sex with me and if he didn't like it we could remain friends. !!!!!!.

I do all the calling and he says his mobile will only send messages but is incapable of calling abroad.  I feel uneasy about these money excuses..

I told him my ex-husband was 20 years younger than me and it was ME who dumped him for his drinking and not because he didn't feel attracted to me. .

I kind of think my age thing is a bit of a red herring here since he seems so focussed on having sex with me and always talked about making love to me.  He said that this shouldn't be a problem for me since I am a European woman (he is Turkish) and I said what was the difference. .

I am not sure now whether he is even going to turn up in Istanbul when I go there and how I will manage on my 10 words of Turkish.  I might be better off if he doesn't since he is starting to sound like a complete lying jerk.  He says I lied about my age but HE told me he was single!!!  I wrested the truth out of him by his firstly admitting he was divorced and then said he is not 'legally' divorced!!  So it has all started badly.  Plus he lives in a smallish town 150 km from Istanbul and wants me to relocate there.  But if he doesnt want a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with me then I will be even lonelier there than I am here. .

I think I should now make it clear to him that although we are staying in the same room it is because he has no money and I expect him to treat me with courtesy and I will lie on top of the bed.  I will also tell him I expect him to court me with flowers like other men have done (I just want to see how he takes this!!!!).  I cannot see why he wants to treat me as a piece of meat when he keeps saying he loves me!!  it is all very insulting..

Comment #7

"I think I should now make it clear to him that although we are staying in the same room it is because he has no money and I expect him to treat me with courtesy and I will lie on top of the bed. I will also tell him I expect him to court me with flowers like other men have done (I just want to see how he takes this!!!!). I cannot see why he wants to treat me as a piece of meat when he keeps saying he loves me!! it is all very insulting"Per your statement above - Good Luck! Sounds like he's just looking for sex. I don't understand why you are still going over there. He's not the only man left in this world, why can you try to meet someone in your own town? No need to travel so far to meet someone who is lying to you. PLEASE!!!, he does not have money and can't make calls, I sure hope you are not falling for those excuses (lies).

You need to practice safe dating, where you meet people in public before riding/staying with them. You are fooling yourself if you really think he's going to court you with flowers and all. I also noticed how you said you are the one calling him all the time, why are you chasing after a man? Of course, he's not going to say no if he can get sex. How does the saying go "why buy the milk when you can get it for free". Obviously that's how he feels, especially when you are paying your travel/hotel to go see this guy..

Anna.

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Comment #8

Well firstly I am going there to check out the place since I plan to relocate to Turkey next year..

Secondly; I am not a 21 year old virgin and even if I was that age, my ex found a 20 year old in a disco, slept with her the same night and they have been together for 2 years now.   So the lack of a long courtship doesnt always mean that the guy will dump you after sex although there is always that risk and it of course may happen..

Furthermore, and more importantly, this guy knows I plan to relocate to his town (a smallish town 150 km from Istanbul) and in a place like that his friends and even family are going to bump into me if I am a regular fixture.  It's not like he could keep me hidden away like a dirty secret and anyway he is now living alone and dated a woman after he broke up with his wife.  I am European; I speak some Turkish and I know the Turks and believe me they will all be curious about me and I will go out of my way to be as charming to them all as I can.  He has actually found a place for me to teach and if I play my cards right he may also find me an apartment to live in.  I wouldn't live with a man straight away anyway even if he asked me.  If that all should come about, and admittedly it is 50-50 or less right now, I would eventually press him to divorce his wife and if he refused and was just using me for booty calls would relocate to Istanbul where there is even more work for me.  I am a linguist and can also do translation work there..

I have at least told him my age now and he has 6 weeks to digest it.   In that time he can decide whether he just wants a fling (in which case he will put me off going to his town since he knows then I will be in his face all the time and his friends etc will know about me) or something more.  If he wants something more then I will make ultimatums but I think it is too early for that..

And of course there is still great attraction between us; I am very pretty and a Bodyfitness competitor and if it doesn't work out with him there will be others and it will be better once I am living there as I won't get into this awkward position of staying with someone first night..

Finally, I did do something like that before; flew to someone and stayed with him for a week. He fell in love with me (he was only 30) and wanted to marry me despite the age gap but I didn't feel the same about him once I'd met him in life..

I want to give this a chance but I am very well aware that the chances of anything long lasting coming out of it are outweighed quite heavily.  I am a risk taker; I took sports drugs and had side effects; I could have side effects from this too!  When we talk there is a click and he laughs and he makes me feel good especially in the dreary place I live and where my life is right now.  If he dumps me after sex I will just have to deal with it.  At least I am prepared for that and at least I told him the truth about age.  If I'd left that till after the meeting or even until I relocated to his town etc he would have been furious.  We both have skeletons in our closet but now we have both opened our respective closets!..

Comment #9

Taking risks are fine when they are for the right reasons and for something worthwhile. The risks you are talking about sound down right foolish. That is not taking risks - that is being reckless.  Why not jump out of a plane if you like to take risks?.

I take risks myself - but the risks I choose to take are focused and have a higher probablity of succeeding. Long shots are not worth my time and energy - the stakes of peace of mind, health and happiness are never worth risking like the things you are talking about.  Living dangerously is not taking risks - it's just plain dumb.

Best wishes to you.

Toni..

Comment #10

I'm with tonitoons on this one. It sounds like you are throwing caution to the wind at too great an expense.  If you measure the risk versus the reward you'll see that you have lost too much for a casual sexual relationship.  I'm sure you can find someone to have a one night stand with at home.  You dont need to travel to Turkey for that...

Comment #11

I second your post. She does not have to go so far to use someone, allow someone to use her, or have sex. She can get it for free in her own town without incurring bigs expenses since she say's he does not have money. I would definately say they both are deceivers and probably good for each other to play games. Don't know if deceiver is a word, sounds right to me to describe them both. I got to go, won't be back on this particular message post, I got better things to focus on.



Anna.

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Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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