Has Defended or Refuted Those Claims?

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My first question is: Has Defended or Refuted Those Claims?.

My next question is: Ok so some of you may have seen me on the snooping/jealousy board, but this is what it all comes down to:.

My bf used to be a big man-wh0re. Cheated on all his gfs, lots of partners, wild crazy party guy. Which he has always been up front with me about. But since Ive met him, he's said... Im ready to grow up, and settle down, and I dont even want to be that person anymore as far as all the girls..

His friends all tell me that they've never seen him act the way he does with me. He tells me that he has never felt this way about any other girl before and we talk about kids, marriage, all that stuff..

He's never done anything at all to make me question anything so far (8 mos together). But I have a hard time believing that he is a whole new person all of a sudden. I know that a persons past is a persons past, and you shouldnt base your relationship (thru on those things, but it's really hard for me. Can a person really change in this way?.


Comments (7)

Your question was: Has Defended or Refuted Those Claims?.

<< Can a person really change in this way?  >>.

Yes,  a person can.  If and only if they want to do it for themselves ... not for someone else.  Change comes from within.  .

You have to decide: do you trust him or not?  Its a choice. Trust.  Without it, a relationship (thru doesn't have much.  .

Secondly, you have to decide if YOU want to be the 'guinea pig' here ... meaning, you are the woman he's dating (online dating with while he's making these changes and the first girl since he's turned over a new leaf.  Sure, that puts in you a different spot than all the previous ones.  .

<< But I have a hard time believing that he is a whole new person all of a sudden.  >>.

If you have a hard time believing it then ... you have to a) look at his actions and see if they match his words and intentions and b) look within yourself and see if how you feel has more to do with YOU than anything he is doing..

Also, I'm curious as to how 'sudden' this change was?    Perhaps it wasn't all that "all of a sudden."   And, he had sometime to think about and process this change ... meaning, it was already underway before dating (online dating with you.    How long was he single prior to meeting you?  ..

Comment #1

There is a difference between being a serial cheater and being a crazy party guy.  One does not have to be the other - a guy can be a cheater but not a crazy party guy and vice versa..

If he has calmed down and isnt looking for the crazy party scene anymore..then that is a natural growth within him.  Even crazy party gals do slow down eventually..

The cheating is a problem.  I wouldnt listen to his friends about anything or discuss him with his friends..

If he hasn't done anything to make you question him, then go with that. Your own personal accounting of his behavior is what counts. .

I usually dislike discussing past relationships because of exactly what you are going through right now. If you had never known about his past you wouldnt have any questions today.  Since he decided to have diahhrea of the mouth..there is not much you can do except to keep focused on how he treats you and if he maintains his level of interest and treatment of you (like no sudden need to work late and looking especially nice when he goes to work all ofa sudden with nice know what I mean)..

If you feel comfortable talking to him about his past it might be nice to find out what caused him to cheat.  Was it being in a commited relationship (thru when he didnt feel ready for one? (that would be bad decision making on his part)  Was it due to his exgirlfriend cheating on him and he retaliated? (circumstances)  Was it due to just being bored with one woman?  (problem...) That might give you a clue as to whether or not his infidelity was caused by an overall inablity to stay faithful or was it due to circumstances and making bad decisions about who to date...

Comment #2

Those are great points. I agree, I wish no one had told me about his past. And up until then, I never even questioned a thing. But ever since then, I feel like I should have my guard up bc I think... Geez, what kind of person can he really be?? And at the same time, he has been nothing but great to me, which I know is what I should be going on.

And in regards to what Snafu2007 said on why he cheated.... The last girl he was with was a 5 yr relationship. He said he tried to break it off numerous times, and she acted like she couldnt live without him, so he stuck around out of feeling sorry for her. But at the same time, they both seemed to be miserable..

Hopefully this is a completely different ball game for both of us.

Thanks for the input! It's all very helpful!.



Comment #3

"I agree, I wish no one had told me about his past. And up until then, I never even questioned a thing. But ever since then, I feel like I should have my guard up bc I think... Geez, what kind of person can he really be?? ".

So, he did not initiate the discussion about his past?  Was it his friends?  If it was a friend of his...he is no friend...but someone who wants to start trouble for the two of you..

In regards to his ex girlfriend:  it never pays to try to hold on to someone who doesnt want to be held onto.  Men in that position do end up cheating.  I wouldnt condone what he did...because it is better to break things off than to cheat.  Not only does breaking things off demonstrate values and integrity but it also indicates that the guy has an inner strength that is appealing because then you know that he is with you for the right reasons..

I'm sure things are different for the two of you.  Good luck and have fun...

Comment #4

It was his best friends wife that started in on me a few months after we started dating. She went on about how I shouldnt stay with him bc he would cheat on me in a minute and all this stuff bc that's what he did to his last gf.

Which I was horrified to hear, of course I confronted him about it. And of course she got in big trouble for even going there. But ever since she told me that stuff, I cant help worrying. But I agree. You dont tell girls stuff like that! I would never. Its none of your business as far as Im concerned.

As far as him staying with this girl for those reasons, Ive always been adamant about telling him that I hope he learned something from that, and would never camp out in a relationship (thru he isnt completely happy with. He says that he has..

Even if he hadnt, I think id be able to tell, and like you say.... I'm not about to stick around with someone that I have to beg to be with me. That would be more degrading to me then the fact that he gave in. Yuck..

Thanks for the support..



Comment #5

 Hopefully this woman has learned to keep her yap shut.  People like that are either sour about their own lives and want to spread the misery or they truely do want to warn a woman about who she has decided to date.  Since you were there only you would know how she came across..

It is good that you confronted him and it sounds like the two of you have a very open communication and he seems like he is happy with his choice to settle into dating (online dating with one woman at a time...

Comment #6

It's great that he's acting differently with you and being honest but obviously there is reason to be cautious.  How about suggesting a few sessions of couples counseling.  See if he is amenable. It could help both of you..


Comment #7

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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