Has anyone tired Its seems most men are looking for toned and slender built - I am 5'6 an

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My first question is: Has anyone tired Its seems most men are looking for toned and slender built - I am 5'6 an.

My next question is: I honestly don't know if I am paranoid because I have had such poor taste in the past, or if this guy is just not into me..

Two weeks ago, he called me every night until he reached me finally. (We met on an online dating (online dating with service) I had to cancel three times due to illness in my family. He persevered. We finally met, and he is attractive, smart, sucessful. I really enjoyed him. He was gentlemen, something I am NOT used to.But after the initial week of calls, he contacted me only by text messages.

 He has never complimented once. It' s making me insecure. I have told him he is a great guy, a good kisser, and ....nothing. I had my hair all cut off the very day we met, and I hate it. All he said was I don't look like a boy when I said I felt like one is one example. (Yes, I probably was fishing, but I wanted some reassurance.

I don't know; something feels wrong..

We have plans for Friday night. Am I just used to the swarmy charmy types who say anything to get in your pants? Or is he just going out with me because I am available? I'm tired of making mistakes. I feel as though I am doing all the work. I don't know if I am just damaged either and don't recognize a good guy..

BTW, Please ignore my screen name, I don't even remember making that name up. I must of been in some mood that day!.


Comments (17)

Your question was: Has anyone tired Its seems most men are looking for toned and slender built - I am 5'6 an.

Only time will tell.  Keep dating (online dating with other people in the meantime so that you're not so invested in the outcome with this one guy..

But in and of itself, I wouldn't say that him not contacting you between dates means he's not into you.  And maybe he's not a complimenter.  That could just be his personality.  So you may not be a good match on that level, but it doesn't mean he's not interested..

When you say you feel like you're doing all the workdid you ask him out for Friday, is that what you mean?.


Comment #1

Expecting him to give you reassurance on the very first day you meet is a totally unrealistic expectation.  He's not obligated to service you in that manner on your first date..

How can you say "I feel as though I am doing all the work." - when it was you that cancelled on him 3 times in a row and he kept calling?.

Bottom line - you've met him once.  You can't expect to be his #1 priority instantly. ..

Comment #2

>>He has never complimented once. It' s making me insecure<<.

That is not making you were already insecure or this wouldn't be an issue..

That is not his issue...this is all on you.  It is called self esteem for a reason, it comes from within you not from someone else.  He can tell you all day long you are beautiful, nice haircut, whatever but until YOU believe it yourself it means nothing.  He is not responsible for the way you feel about yourself..

You have only been out with him once, give the guy a break and yourself, dating (online dating with is about getting to know someone, how well you mesh with each other and after 1 week that is impossible to know..

Something is are getting all worked up over someone you just met, you need to ask yourself why and start working on that issue.  IMO it sounds needy and desperate and that in itself will drive someone away in a heartbeat...

Comment #3

I would have grown concerned that his phone calls were reduced to text messages.  That is a clear sign to me that the man is not interested in having conversation and building intimacy and getting to know each other..

Men today have been coached to withhold special treatment and niceties from women. Some men dont go along with that while others are buying the dvds which illustrate how to capture womans interest by giving her insults instead of compliments and putting her off guard..

It is customary on a date using that each person do give a sincere compliment to the other party about something.  That demonstrates interest and that you are not too insecure to offer someone a compliment.  Not saying anything nice at all does not make for a good relationship (thru and it demonstrates that the person wants the other to develop some insecurities or doubts about their interest. So this guy is doing well for himself with you...becuase you fell right into it..

I'm not saying that everyone has to compliment everyone, but offering a sincere word of appreciation, or gratitude or admiration or whatever...results in good rapport building...

Comment #4

Yes I did. I also initiated the contacts via text.


Comment #5

Thank you for your answer. I agree with you and I guess I needed the validation. He brougt out my insecurities and yes, I played right along. That's why I did this. I was checking myself for wanting more than I deserved or was I actually right.


Comment #6

Ok, then you need to stop doing that.  You need to see what he does on his own without prompting or prodding from you..


Comment #7

While I agree with what you say about my self esteem, that is actually why I asked the question. I know I have a low opionion of myself, one that I have been working on for the past years. I have come far with it, but not enough.

The only exception I take to your opinion is being all worked up. I'm not. I just wanted to hear others opinoins. It helps to ground my own. I learned that in AA..

Thank you for your feedback..


Comment #8

I cancelled because my Father is very ill.

I don't expect to be his number one priority. I do expect someone to call me at least once in two weeks, not just text message. That is for teenagers.

I think I have just made my decision anyway..

Thank you for your input..


Comment #9

I agree. I think it's a done deal. Whether it's me or him, I need work on my self esteem and I don't like the way it's making me feel.


Comment #10

Have you read any of these:.

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse.

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon.

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz Feeling Good: New Mood Therapy, by David M Burns, MD (this book changed my life).



Comment #11

No I haven't, and I am going to get them tomorrow. Thank you so much! I really appreciate it..

The work I have done on my damaged self esteem came from AA. I used books by Melodie Beattie and the 12 steps of the program. In the first two years, when I was still struggling with my sobriety, I also did therapy. I am happy to report that I will be sober three years this coming Wednesday.

I just went to work on what I was so afraid of...fear of abandonment, fear of trusting, fear of rejection. I had many wounds to my young psyche that needed healing. I had zero self esteem before now. Hence why I generally made poor choices in dating (online dating with (and obviously many other areas of my life as well)  I didn't think I was worth having someone good. I picked the men that simply reinforced my low opinion of myself..

Probably the real issue here isn't so much the man I questioned about, but being able to trust my own choices. I used to not listen to my gut. My gut was usually correct. In this particular instance, it had been nagging at me that something was amiss. So I decided to go to an open forum and ask..

This has been a wonderful experience for me. I intend to continue to use this forum. I appreciate the feedback and the answers I am being given.


Comment #12

Grats on your sobriety.  It will take time to build yourself back up, but it will be worth it.  You deserve good things in your life and when you start believing that it will happen...

Comment #13

Thank you! It feels wonderful. It changed my life..


Comment #14

Here's an update: I decided that it wasn't worth it if it made me feel bad about myself. If in two weeks time, he is already only available by text, it seems that something is amiss.

I haven't dated in awhile. I still don't think I am ready..

Thank you to everyone. I am going to continue to come here and peruse these boards. This is really interesting. Thank you for a wonderful first experience..


Comment #15

Congrats on your 3 years!!!.

See if the books are available at your local library, that way you save a ton of money. LOL .

Look this one up also:   He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt.


Comment #16

That is where I got my discussion title from...and guess what? He isn't into me. I fee validated that my gut was right. He just texted it to me!!!  I feel like Carrie in Sex and the City with the post it...except I think it's funny!.


Comment #17

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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