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Has anyone not found love after 6 months on match.com, did they get another 6 months free?

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My first question is: Has anyone not found love after 6 months on match.com, did they get another 6 months free?.

My next question is: Money has always been an issue since I met my boyfriend the last three years. I have experienced his anger outbursts and verbal abuse throughout the relationship (thru Match.com) too. It has been a rollercoaster ride. I noticed his bad boy behavior always escalated when he was under stress SO it would lead me to make excuses for his outbursts and name calling. Regarding money I have always helped pay at least half for most of anything we have ever done together. I thought I was being UNDERSTANDING to his lack of finances but in retrospect know that I enabled him to stay in a rut a rut he has been in for ten years.

He has told me before he lost interest because of a lost industry he was in or that his father passed away a year ago this or that.. He has depended on me to help him in a lot of ways all throughout our relationship...

He is going to start a new job this week and the pay is very low.. SO it looks as though I am waiting again to see if he is going to be able to really put some money aside for US. He has not put a timeframe on anything all he says to me is that when I start working I need to pay off my debts and he says it could take six or seven months.. I GUESS I am not satisfied at this point in time to be waiting around for him to get more stable.. if he truly wanted to commit to me in a real way he would be working whatever in addition to the new job. He has already told me that I will only get married if you really wanted too.

He wont even agree to take me to a concert a month from now because he wont spend a hundred dollars on a ticket.. I understand the principle of it and that he does owe people money but WHO is being put as priority. He has never done anything real special or that thoughtful.. for me. After three years he gets me a rose and a card for my birthday.. I understand he has no money but AM I TRULY ducking my head in the sand to feel bad and make excuses for that...

For the past two months he has not had even 20.00 to come up to see me by train and have reimbursed him the twenty dollars to give back to his friend. BUT I find out that a triip he was supposed to go oin with his son last week to see his grandmother in ohio turned out to be cancelled but the long and short of it was that it would cost him to take the bus up to his son eighty three dollars.. WHERE did the eighty three dollars come from? I asked him that and said well I really dont have the money to spend.. SO what leads me to believe that he has very little money but he DOES have some money he CAN USE.. it is what he is CHOOSING to use it on..

I am so disgusted with all of this and I dont know if an ultimatum will matter and should be done ASAP.. I am so confused as where to start because everything is topsy turvy. He didnt go to a wedding with me this past saturday because he was supposed to be out seeing his grandmother so I wound up going alone.. He tells me that I should understand how upset he was for his granmother cancelling and that me telling him I was disappointed I was going alone and especially knowing he was not going on the trip after all really pissed me off. He says you are being uncompassionate and hostile about it..

He went on to say well I dont know anyone there anyhow I would have only gone FOR  YOU. Now he has met my immediate family ONCE in the past three years. I have YET to meet his mother and his father passed away last year and never met him either. He tells me I dont include my mother in my personal life and she will meet you when she has too. WHAT?.

I dont know what I am doing anymore.. I am not hardup in any way and just feel I have been just taken in by wanting to have romance and am truly hopeless at believing I can make this situation the way I want it to be if I motivate him enough. it used to be if I showed him enough love love I believe he never got growing up.. but then again he is very selfish and very obsessive compulsive about the way he wants things to be.. we have had  horrendous fights if I cooked a meal differently than he was expecting.. and I was dealing with his verbal assaults and name calling because of it...

I need advice.. I dont know what I can say to him to tie in all of this and make a firm enough stand at this point that will either wake him up or may just make him more angry at me...

Comments (4)

Your question was: Has anyone not found love after 6 months on match.com, did they get another 6 months free?.

Ok, I'm not a fan of ultimatums ... ever.   Ultimatums don't work because ... if the person DOES agree with what you're asking ... it's only because of 'fear of loss' ... which is not a great reason to stay together.   And most of the time, when women present an ultimatum ... they don't end up following-thru ...

Ultimatums are not the answer.  If you feel the need to position something as "if you don't (fill in blank) then I'll (fill in blank)" ... that's not a good sign.  Rather, it's up to you to ASK for what you want WITHOUT the threat of taking something away ... and if he cannot agree ... you take your leave.  THAT is the self-responsible thing to do..

Anyway, I don't see what benefit you really get from this relationship (thru Match.com) ... it doesn't even sound like you LIKE the guy ... and why should you?  He's verbally abusive.   He doens't treat you well.   He's selfish,  obsessive compulsive ... all words you've used to describe him.   (I'm not even mentioning the money ... he can earn the money ... I'm talking about personality and character ...

Money is not).

Now, does that sound like the guy you thought you'd end up with?   Basically, you don't sound well-matched ... you have a certain idea of 'romance' and he doesn't ... which we all know has nothing to do with money. .

It DOES sound like you're staying in this relationship (thru Match.com) only because it's been 3 years and you're waiting for the 'payoff'.

I learned quite a long time ago ... to NEVER invest in the potential of a person or the potential of a relationship.   If you do, you may be waiting a very long time and/or feeling very bitter/resentful when it doesn't 'pay off'.  .

Please ask yourself a very important question:  "what benefit am I getting from this relationship?" ... that is not a selfish question.  Its's a SELF-CARE question..

Good luck!..

Comment #1

<< am truly hopeless at believing I can make this situation the way I want it to be if I motivate him enough. it used to be if I showed him enough love love I believe he never got growing up.. >>.

You can NEVER "fix" another person.  Why would you even want to try?  If he didn't get enough love growing up, you can't fix that for him.  If HE thinks he needs fixing, then he can go to counseling.  But I'm guessing he thinks he's just fine the way he is..

Why are you sticking around?  He is not going to change into who you want him to be...

Comment #2

I dont see a future for the two of you.  You let 3 years go by with him behaving the way he continues to behave.  He doesnt have his act together...why do you even want him?  You stating what you want in a relationship (thru Match.com) should be good enough for him to hear, and LISTEN (they never LISTEN) and then act upon it.

If a guy doesnt respond...then he's not worth your time.  You shouldnt have to scream from the rafters to be heard.  I wouldnt say much to this guy except "good bye"...

Comment #3

<< am truly hopeless at believing I can make this situation the way I want it to be if I motivate him enough. it used to be if I showed him enough love love I believe he never got growing up.. >>You have to ask yourself if you want a project or a boyfriend. If you think you have to fix this guy or motivate him to get his own stuff together, then what you have is a fixer upper. Is that really what you want? Or would you rather have a guy that isn't "broken" in the first place?Good luck,.

YG.

Http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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