Your question was: Has anyone met their husband on Match.com?.
'...when you know he wants to be with you, but is scared. '.
Noone is 'scared' to be with a person they truly want to be with. He isn't scared to be with you - he, just like every other man on this planet, is too much of a coward to say 'I don't want you enough'. There are many other statements that men use to convey the same sentiment - not sure what we are, vary of committment, have been hurt in the past, don't want to get hurt again, not ready for a relationship, too many family issues, work is taking up too much of life - all of those things are excuses. If a man truly wants a woman, the very last thing he will be is scared. He'll be infatuated and happy and in hot pursuit. Not scared. Scared is a coward's way of saying 'not into'. Sorry...
<<So basically I am looking for advice on the best way to handle a guy, when you know he wants to be with you, but is scared. Due to the fact that he doesn't want us to break up again. But is scared as it has happened twice before.
P.S He keeps telling me how happy I make him, and how he loves spending time with me. Etc...>>.
A person who is 'scared' of being with someone that makes them feel good, etc is NOT READY to be in a relationship! Consider this - if something or someone makes you feel good - what is there to be 'scared' of? the only valid reason to be 'scared' of something is because it feels bad, or is hurtful to you.
His words do not match his core belief - he says 'he is happy with you' and he feels good beign with you - and yet he is afraid - because his core belief is that there is more hurt than good feelings there.
Whatever your past history is, it has left a distinct impression that getting intimate (emotionally) with someone = getting hurt and that, in his mind, outweighs all the good feelings'.
Bottom line is this - if he is scared, he sees love as a source of pain far more than he sees it as a source of feeling good - and anyone who's love persepctive is based in fear and pain is NOT a good partner choice.
You can't make him 'not scared' - this is something he has to do himself. And if this has happened twice with you already, do you really want to trot down that path with him again? he isn't ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) - being 'scared' is not being ready..
You would do well to make a decision for your own best interest - he needs to grow an dmature some - and he esp. needs to decide that anything worth having is worth having in spite of 'scared' feelings. He isn't doing that. Let him go and let him grow. Right now, fear is the driving element in your relationship, not love..
Deadlines work when you are able to live with the either of the consequences.if he runs away and breaks forever, are you ready for that even if you know that with little patience/work rship can work out?I can completely understand his fear. " Due to the fact that he doesn't want us to break up again. But is scared as it has happened twice before. " thats the reason of fear.Fear of losing again and this fear itself can ruin a potential rship. Why did you guys break up earlier? Maybe the cause has not been soughted out? what was the reason/s?He has to overcome his fear but at your emotional cost.How long and to what extent you can endure the emotional unrest,depends on you. If he messes up again,you will resent him for making you go through emotional turmoil for nothing.
Edited 11/25/2008 10:06 am ET by fullhalfquarter..
I would probably handle it differently. I would probably not want to have to absorb and deflect all of his uncertainties and fears - a sponge can only hold so much and the same can be said of your heart. It is not fair that you shoulder this pain and anxiety. So..if it were me I'd probably tell him to call me when he mans up and develops a stronger gut and heart and mind...
There actually was never really any explicit reason as to why we broke up. The first time we broke I was so confused as to why it happened. In the end I think we both realized that there was a lot of misunderstandings, and unmet needs. The second time we broke up similar patterns. That, and he didn't feel as though he was good enough. However, both times he only tried to work things out for awhile.
So I told him that the main core reason as to why we had all these unmet needs and misunderstands is that we did not have as much open communication as you need to have a successful relationship. I have always wanted to be open, but found that I held back a bit. Due to the fact that I didn't feel he was open to being open about things. However, he has now realized how important it is. So we are both open about everything to each other.
I totally agree that if you love someone the no matter how much fear you have should stop you. I have told him something similar. I said that I am just as scared as you, however you are far too important to me to let my fear stand in the way of something that actually may work this time. I then told him that I am willing to take that risk, if we are both willing to work on things and put effort into making this work. He is very idealistic and some times I feel as though he expects me and things to be perfect.
Nor is any relationship (thru Match.com) ever going to be perfect. I have decided that rather than giving him a deadline, I am going to give myself a deadline. So if I am not happy with the progress of the relationship (thru Match.com) by end of Dec mid January then I am going to tell him that I am done. I have already told him that I can not talk to him or see him if he needs space to think. But he said no I do not need that.
He did however say if you need space till we figure it out then I can understand. However, I did not want that either. I really do not want to give him a deadline. However, at the same time the more this continues the more I am getting hurt. Thus, by the time he is ready to commit I am going to be too hurt inside to give him a chance.
I know that he is waiting to see how everything we have talked about works out. To see if there is any change. However, I am beginning to not be able to handle this. I was so hurt the other night, that I was almost ready to say that I am done. However, I can't do that, because I know that I would be so miserable without him.
I told him a few works ago that I can't have this drag on for 3 months from now. He was like it will not be that long. He told me that he just wants to take things slowly and one step at a time. Which I agree that easing back into things in healthy, being as it has been almost 3 years since the last time we dated. However, I think it is really difficult to take things slowly when you know each other so well, have so much history, and both care about each other so much more than say another couple who just got back together.
Is that if we do go out again, then I need to know that this relationship (thru Match.com) is going to progress somewhere. As people usually date using Match.com to get to know one another. Thus, because we know each other so well, then I do not want to go through this again if there is no future. Thus, I meant that we have to both be going into this thinking that we want to be together forever, if things can work out. So I think it is scary for him to go into this.
If it was up to me despite my fears I would be in a serious relationship, and see where it goes. Yet, for some reason he keeps hiding behind his fears. When he is so happy with me, and all that. His family loves me, his friends etc... So I am going to give him a little more time...
My ex bf's parents also divorced when he was a toddler, so I think that when he becomes too emotionally close to someone, he gets affraid that a similar thing may happen to him. He has never expressed this to me. I have asked him if his parents separation has anything to do with why he feels this way, but he says it doesn't. I trully think that he does not realize the extent to which it affected him. Despite the fact that his mom has had an amazing and very sucessful 20 year or more relationship (thru Match.com) with his step dad. His idealistic view of the world, and his complete dedication to the extent of having to be pefect at work are all signs of a child of divorce. I have noticed that whenever things become too emotionall tense for him he seems to sort of back away, or end things. This time he is being open with his feelings which is great.
He is so very slow when it comes to things like this. To be honest I am beginning to slowly resent him and feel so hurt and paranoid everytime I talk to him now. If he would of given me the committment now, or a week ago I would be fine. Now I have a feeling that once he is ready, that I am going to be so confused and hurt inside that I will not know what I want. This situation makes me feel so sick inside, as I love him so much.
The past week or so everything he does has been upsetting me. I have not told him about all of it. But I have just become so anxious, confused, and hurt inside that I have become paranoid, and I do not like feeling this way. For example, tonight when we were talking after 30 mins or so he said that he should get going and do some work. I then began to think that he was upset with me.
When it was not that at all. This emotional rollercoaster is making me feel so insecure. However, I can't end things with him. Because that would hurt way too much. Plus I could never stand to hurt him like that.
However, I know that in the end I am going to go nuts having to wait patiently...
I again understand his issues.Keep in mind that I am a man so am seeing from his POV.You have to accept that he has deep underlying issues coming from childhood which he may not realize.Thats the reason many people stay married in awful marriages as well.Nothing can be undone.Therapy may help him.It will be devastating for him to lose you again,believe me,given his past.But what you have to decide is if you can live with his issues? it's too much work for you..always giving reassurance ,etc.etc. You cant change him but yes, your R can,for sure if he realizes what he has and it's not about his mom and dad.its about him this time.Then his parents changed his life into what he is today but now it's his life in his own hands,if that makes sense.But this has to come from him.you can support and be patient as long as you can.....
<<His idealistic view of the world, and his complete dedication to the extent of having to be pefect at work are all signs of a child of divorce. >>.
Um, no it's not. being idealistic is NOT a result of coming from a divorced family. Its inborn. And the need for things to be 'perfect' are born of insecurity, which 'can' result from divorce trauma..
REgardless - he is NOT ready to be in a relationship. He has unrealistic fears and expectations that no one can fill. He is insecure and afraid of intimacy.
You can sit and wait patiently all you like but that is you putting your life on hold for someone to grow into the kind of man you want to be with. Hon, what if he doesn't? For a relationship (thru Match.com) to WORK and go the distance, there must be 2 mature and prepared individuals willing to compromise, share and be known. Its not a work in progress - you don't move into a house before it's built - and that is what 'waiting' for him is. Supoose 5 years pass and you have turned yourself inside out with 'waiting' and nothing has changed? You will be 5 years older, a Lot less confident and secure and really dissillussioned yourself about love?.
You would be smarter to remain casual friends if you must but continue to live life without expecting anything of him - like him actually BECOMING what you hope he will be. date using Match.com others, do the things you want to do regardless. Travel, go to school, etc. Life doesn't wait - it keeps going. And the longer you wait for others to be what you want them to be, the more you sacrifice your own joy and happiness and confidence and opportunities. Love is not a remodeling project - 2 broken hearts don't make one whole one. They both must be whole to begin with.
Hon, I've learned some very hard lessons in life - this was one. While you are busy waiting on him to be the man you want, don't be surprise that it never happens, or he decides he wants something else after all.
Don't put all your eggs in his basket - it's broken - and ulness or until he repairs it, it won't hold anything..
One the teh hardest things to learn is when to walk away and when to hang in there. Learning this is a sign of maturity and a willingness to accept responsibility for your own happiness and choices. .