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My first question is: Has anyone had success on Match.com?.

My next question is: My fiance says he doesn't celebrate holidays such as Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas.  Not a religious choice, just a personal one.  But even though he doesn't celebrate these days he takes part in the traditions.  For example, he said I can still buy him gifts for Christmas but I can't wrap them in Christmas paper, I can't give it to him on Christmas, and I can't say Merry Christmas when I give it to him.  But he won't buy me anything because he doesn't celebrate that day.  And on Thanksgiving he'll eat the big dinner I prepare for Thanksgiving but he says he's not celebrating that day.  I feel if he doesn't want to celebrate those days or even acknowledge them thats fine, but isn't it hypocritical to partake in some of the days events if you aren't celebrating those days?..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Has anyone had success on Match.com?.

 I have some of the same beliefs as your fiance'. I think Christmas is completely made up, Easter too, Halloween is celebrating what, and I think Thanksgiving is a day that's celebrating the killing of thousands of Indians. So why do YOU celebrate these "holidays?".

 Whatever your answer is, it IS NOT wrong. It's your choice to DO and believe what you choose. JUST LIKE YOUR FIANCE..

 If you can't accept his decisions and choices in life, why are you with him? I don't think it's about him being a hypocrite as much as you not accepting his choices. So let's say he IS a hypocrite... then what? Are you NOT going to marry him? Is this issue you're having with him something that's a "deal breaker" for you?.

 I'm curious...

Comment #1

Yes, he is. His reasons for not celebrating the holidays aren't important, but he is still expecting you to give gifts and big dinners while he gives nothing. I've known people who were in this situation before; it wasn't pretty..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #2

>>If you can't accept his decisions and choices in life, why are you with him? I don't think it's about him being a hypocrite as much as you not accepting his choices.<<.

I think this is a bit harsh. No where in her post did she bash him for not celebrating the holidays. He is basically telling her "Buy me Christmas gifts but I won't buy you any" and "Cook me Thanksgiving dinner but I won't celebrate the day". If he doesn't want anything to do with the holidays, he shouldn't be expecting the traditions that come with them - especially when he's not going to reciprocate..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #3

Thank you Kei for understanding what I was saying.  The other person obviously missed the boat.  I never said I didn't accept his beliefs or that it was deal breaker. I love this man regardless BUT it is being a hypocrite saying I can buy him gifts for Christmas as long as I don't say it's a Christmas gift.  That's BS.  When I get the gift it's at Christmas time and I'm shopping with Christmas in mind.  So how is it not a Christmas gift?  And how can he legitimately accept it if in fact he doesn't celebrate that day?  No one ever should give a gift just to get one but how unfair is it that me and my kids should get him gifts and he not at least give them anything and then blame it on him not celebrating that day?  How does that look to our children?  It makes him look like a liar in their eyes.  My kids are far from stupid.  They have already asked this question and my youngest is 7.  They see it as being unfair and basically a cop out.  I don't want them to look at him like that but that's what he is if he thinks like that...

Comment #4

Did he say you CAN buy him a gift or that you MUST buy him a gift?  The way I'm reading it, he's just trying to fit in with what works for you.  If you don't want to buy him a gift, then you shouldn't do sohe's just saying if that's important to you, if it makes you feel better, then go ahead and do it..

Same with the dinnerI doubt very much he's telling you that you HAVE to cook him Thanksgiving dinner.  If you don't want to, then don't invite him over.  Or if you live together, are you seriously saying he should not eat what you've cooked that day?.

Sheri..

Comment #5

I don't think he's being a hypocrite unless he's expecting gifts on Christmas. And just because he doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving doesn't mean he has to fast that day.Though you know him a lot better than I do, I beg to differ, if he doesn't have a problem with secular gift-giving then I do think this has something to do with religion at least in part. No, it's not hypocritical to partake in some events but not consider yourself to be someone who regularly celebrates those holidays. I want to agree with you because his behavior is a little peculiar in that he's so fervent about taking away a routine meaning away from these occasions, but common sense says he shouldn't have to hole himself away or put on a somber face just because other people are celebrating something...

Comment #6

Ask him how he came to his decisions. Be curious, not derisive, tempting as that is!.

,..

Comment #7

I have a big piece of advice for you. If he doesn't celebrate those holidays, don't include him. Stop buying gifts for someone who won't buy you gifts. Stop cooking for him if he doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. You don't have to make a big deal out of it or call the whole thing off or anything. If he doesn't want to participate, then don't include him! it is just hurting your feelings and making you resentful.

If he then gets upset at being excluded, THEN he's a hypocrite..

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #8

I agree that this is the difference between him saying "you can" or "you should/must".  If he's simply saying he's not going to stop you from buying him gifts and making him dinner if you're going to do it anyway but he is not going to do the same in return or display the sentiments along with the holiday, then he's not being hypocritical.  But if he's saying that you MUST buy him presents while he buys you and your kids nothing and you MUST make him a huge Thanksgiving turkey dinner while he sits on his hiney watching football all day but he'd be happy to partake of all your hard work, then YES, in that case it is being hypocritical.  But should he turn down presents you'd buy him anyway or go hungry on Thanksgiving or eat a tv dinner because all you've prepared is a turkey dinner?  That would be unreasonable.  I think he's simply telling you that if you want to go ahead with these holidays, he's not going to stop you but he doesn't want to be a part of the "tradition" part of it..

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Comment #9

<< I think he's simply telling you that if you want to go ahead with these holidays, he's not going to stop you but he doesn't want to be a part of the "tradition" part of it. >>.

I third that ... as I think that's pretty much what Sheri was saying, too.  .

To our OP  I think it's also part of him setting expectations with you.   Basically, he's saying ... I won't squelch your fun and enjoyment of this holiday ... if it makes YOU feel better to buy him something as part of your tradition ... but, don't expect anything in return.  That way, you won't be disappointed if he doesnt get you or your kids anything for Christmas..

However, he certainly does seem to have a lot of RULES about it ... ie, you can buy me gifts but don't give to me on Christmas, don't wrap in Christmas paper, nothing that says "merry christmas," etc.   That all seems a little beyond logical ... and well, just plain 'ol strange and weird.    In which case, if I were you ... I'd simply opt to not buy him anything.    Problem solved.  ..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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