Your question was: Has anyone had any success with match.com? A friend of mine is single and wants to try it.?.
~Just a little bit more info..
My mom never was happy that I can ever recall or remember, even to this day. She blamed everything on the men in her life (she had 9 kids, 3 fathers) and often told us girls that 'men were evil, sex was evil".
I am my mothers only illegitimate child. She hid that fact until HE told me at age 12. When she found out I knew the truth I got beat. When I was 18 my bio father tried to rape me, I got away thank GOD. Before all this, when I was 16 and just had had my first child, my mother called me the Devil and my children Devils Spawn. Mind you, I was a quiet shy child.
I have been raped 4 times, that doesnt count the years of telling both husbands 'no' and still getting sexually abused..
I know I carry a load of BS from my past. I understand all that. Every person I have ever met in my life has no clue to what I grew up with as I keep a pretty good wall up and just smile..
I dont have a good self steem nor strong belief IN ME. I ran away from school at age 15, went to college at age 28 and did awesome: VP of honors society, Dean's list every semester (4 yrs college plus summer school) Art club, etc... My soon to be ex hated me doing well and making friends in college..my mother never came to either graduations, but she has for other family members. Not even a card from her!.
I am in the midwest. All of my family is on the east coast. The soon to be ex forbade me to have friends..so I am all alone. I have grown daughters , but they have their own life struggles..
Okay, there;s a bit more background..not sure if it helped?.
After reading your post, here's the part that has stuck with me, that I'd like to talk about. Here it is, "Yes I have major problems..I know it. But it will take years of counseling to even put a dent in me. I am not a bad person at all..I do animal rescue, am a people pleaser, and people just like me. I do for everybody, and am usually left sad and empty.".
K, so you know you have these issues, but it seems like, since you *think* it's going to take years of counseling, that you CHOOSE TO NOT DEAL WITH THEM. As you know, your issues are NOT going anywhere. So, as soon as you find this guy, or learn how to date, ALL YOUR ISSUES ARE STILL THERE FOR YOUR NEW GUY TO DEAL WITH. If I'm that guy, I'd run like hell. That is, if he's a quality man. I can't blame him and neither should you..
Until you deal with your past, you WILL CONTINUE TO PICK MEN WHO ARE ALCOHOLICS AND SEXUAL ABUSERS!!! I'm no doctor, but I know this as FACT. I could give you some surefire tips to make you more attractive to men and give you tips on how to date using Match.com more successfully, BUT... it will only be a small band-aid for a much bigger gaping wound. MY ADVICE WILL NOT HELP YOU IN THE LONG RUN..
The fact that your afraid to make the commitment to 'heal' your wounds is understandable. The fact that you continually run from this fact is not understandable. Your daughters get to watch their mom live a life of denial, while they too, get to struggle with the issues that their mother have contributed to. JUST LIKE YOU AND YOUR MOM. You may not treat your kids like your mom treated you, BUT... they are not getting to see their mother BE the mom that they need.
To me, this is abuse. To you, it's just you being you. It's not fair to your kids or the people around you. You owe it to yourself to be cured of your past and allow your daughters to see their mother be a strong and self-efficient WOMAN. Not some weak minded little girl that's too afraid to deal with her reality.
Phil, I'm being REAL WITH YOU TOO. I'm not in support of your lack of motivation to get help.) I digress....
Look at it this way... When your daughters have kids, THE CYCLE OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT CONTINUES until someone is willing to get help. LET IT BE YOU!!!! I know that you raised your daughters to the absolute BEST of your abilities, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume your (limited) abilities were not sufficient, being that you WERE/ARE NOT emotionally stable. This may sound harsh, and it is. What's worse is DENYING yourself the help that you desperately need and so do your kids..
Be an adult and take care of business. That means, 'shopping' for a counselor and do NOT date using Match.com until you are mentality healed. The men you date using Match.com after you do this, will be of better quality. I GUARANTEE IT!! If you don't seek out help, you will continue the cycle of abuse. YOU ARE ATTRACTING ABUSERS!!!! It's obvious to me, but may not be to you!!! It's b/c you've yet resolved your issues. DO NOT date using Match.com UNTIL YOU TACKLE THIS.
It's your choice..
Welcome to the board!!.
There's a ton you can do. Try not to stress. Have you tried talking with a professional counselor? You should really look into this. No one deserves what you have gone through and you don't have to go through this alone..
Here are a couple of other links to some other boards that might help. When I reentered the dating (online dating with Match.com) game, I read the ebook "Dating Without Drama" and the book "Dating the Divorced Man" (I figured at my age most men will be divorced or divorced with children - so I had better figure this type out) They both were a big help in the dating (online dating with Match.com) part..
Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldategame "Rejoining the dating (online dating with Match.com) Game".
Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcyber "Online Dating".
Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis "Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide".
Remember that there are lots of us here to support you..
Hello z...I hear your words..and I thank you for responding..
I had done some counseling before I married the second time. It didnt last long as both husbands were military and my second one (then a fiancee) left for the Gulf war and I didnt have a drivers license yet (i know..geesh and I was 25!) and had no way to get to the therapists office on a weekly basis..
I did spend two years buried in psychology classes while in college (i am proud to say that I am the only one in my whole family with a degree) and learned a lot about why I am the way I am, about additions, abuse, etc...
During my long second marriage I also read every self help book I could get my hands on. You should see the 2 long bookshelves in my hallway, 70% are about healing in some form or another..
So I am not totally against seeking help at all. I have looked online to find a list of therapists approved through my soon-to-be ex's insurance right after I left him, but just havent had any luck finding what I need. He is about to switch insurances, so on March 1st all providers will be changed. I guess that would be the best time to revamp my search..
My girls are grown. My one son was taken from me at age 2 by my first ex husband. I didnt have the money to fight him for long..I was in college, three kids at home, working, and he had taken my son halfway across the US and hid out for years..
My daughters have or are all going through short marriages/divorce. Unlike mine, their husbands werent alcoholics nor abusive. Two of them married too soon and figured it out within a year, my middle daughter..we still havent figured out why she ran off from him..
I have 3 grandchildren. I am raising one of them that will be 5 yrs old next month. I have had her since birth..
I did do my best raising my kids. I stayed home with them until they were all in school. I never abused them. I rarely drank, kept a spotless house, and did everything for them. I wasnt happy..I am sure they knew that..
All 3 of my daughters work and attend college. Not big universities, but I am proud that they are making something of themselves and will have careers..
This new guy, Bruce, barely drinks at all. He is an instructor at a large university an hours drive from me, he also has a part time plumbing business he does on the side. He has never pressured me for sex, and was even just happy to cuddle up with me on Sunday night when it was just a bad time of the month for me (you know what I mean).. he said that we didnt have to have sex just because we are together..i find that very sweet and mature of him..
I understand why the people did and treated me the way they did. It took a lot of years for me to understand the whys, and how I allowed much of it to be done to me (codependency, low selfesteem) and I have forgiven each and every one of them. I am friends with my ex's, get along okay with my mother, and just dont dwell on the past anymore at all..
My hangups as you well see is ME. I am too insecure with my abilities AND my body (tho I am 5'3", 115 lbs, pretty and blond) too shy and am just a tad overwhelmed. I WILL seek a counsellor/shrink/therapist in the next 2 weeks..I just dont want to lose this great guy who has come into my life! LOL.
Thanks again z..
~Thanks Kristie..I have purchased a ton of books on dating, online dating, self esteem, etc.. I have read a few, they make sense..lol..its just hard to keep it all in line..
The last 10 years or so of my marriage I was emotionally alone and started cutting my feelings off to stop the hurt. I pretty much became numb and learned how to let things roll off my back so to speak. It wasnt until I left the ex and started dating (online dating with Match.com) that all these locked up feelings poured out..it was crazy! I really had though my hormones had died..NOT..
Maybe I am not mentally ready for a relationship. But I feel like I have been single for 10 yrs or more, so you can understand WHY I would like a guy in my life..those kisses and hugs are pretty nice too =).
Thanks for those links. I visit two of the regularly, but will check into the rape, suicide one as those were a huge part of my younger years...
Hugs to you!.
Well it sounds like you are on the right track, as far as understanding why you are the way you are. Now, it's just a matter of APPLYING your knowledge. Knowledge is POWER, but knowledge without APPLICATION IS USELESS..
I've read countless self-help books as well. I've since BUILT my esteem to a very high level with my APPLIED KNOWLEDGE. I'm going to seek counseling so that I can achieve an even HIGHER level of consciousness. If you were to be around me daily, you'd know that I have no issues with my confidence as a man. I am humble enough to know that I can raise my level higher..
I'm curious to know if there are some things that YOU KNOW you should be doing but are NOT for whatever reason. The reason I ask this is b/c, if you're not doing the things you NEED to be doing, your ESTEEM pays for it. So, lets' say you know that there are resources out there that can teach you to become a better parent, but you choose to think that you don't need help, well... your esteem knows you're full of crap and thus... you feel like crap b/c there's something that you SHOULD be doing that would benefit you or someone else..
Have you read the book, "The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem", by Nathaniel Branden? If not, check it out some time. He's THE Pioneering Father of self-esteem. Just about everything that's taught and is known about self-esteem, was first learned by this man. He's a Nobel Prize nominee. Definitely worth checking out..
Hey again z...after your last post to me I checked you out..an ass model? wow.. I also made a note of the several books you have listed that you highly believe in..
Okay.. I set out in life at age 15 with no self esteem. Though I have the strengths in me to be a leader, I dont have faith in myself, so am a follower... I followed the worst crowd in HS and blew my grades away, I followed the classic punk gang in my small town in NH and got into trouble as a juvenile. I followed my teen bf's and ended up having kids..the list goes on and on..
I simply just do not believe in me. I am scared of life pretty much..use to have some pretty bad anxiety attacks in my 20's. Once a doctor put me on meds for depression, but I tossed them as I didnt like the way they made me feel (plus I dont believe in pills) I just am too afraid to do much of anything. I have no hobbies, really. If I'm not working, I just drop my granddaughter off at preschool and come back to my shoebox apartment because I dont know where to go..
I have had moments of feeling like I could do something, but fear of failure prevents me from risking anything..
The 18 yr marriage confined me to 4 walls for the most part. I didnt work most of the time, wasnt allowed friends, and he checked my odometer to make sure I only went to the store twice a week. The ex was even jealous of my children, so I was the peacemaker..always..
When I set out on this new adventure of being single I had dreams and goals....ideas, but set backs financially, having to withdraw from college per judges orders (i was going for a business degree last fall) my car wreck in December and really blowing this dating (online dating with Match.com) stuff has set me back in those same 4 walls. Different house..
So I am my own worse enemy...lol...people I speak to are so amazed I have no life really. So yeah, I dont allow my own self esteem to flourish and grow..
Have you considered quitting drinking and going to AA? I think that would help as well (speaking as someone with 13+ years of sobriety who never really dated until after she got sober because I always jumped into things too quickly)..
I don't think you can really date using Match.com (in the traditional sense of the word) someone you're sleeping withthere's too much emotional attachment involved once you bring sex into the picture. There is no "slowly" for (most) women once sex is involved, and very few men seem to understand this. If they did, they wouldn't have a problem postponing sex for at least a couple months..
Sodo you think he'd be willing to take sex out of the picture for the time being?.
Only you will know when you are ready for the relationship, but I can relate on feeling alone in the middle of a relationship. I was fortunate that I didn't have to suffer physical abuse, but I supported my ex while he worked overseas for almost a year and he came home and left me. I felt totally betrayed and used..
It is great to have those hugs and kisses. Dealing with all of the emotions in the middle is definately mind spinning at times. I feel it too..
I'm glad you already knew about the other sites.
I'd definately check out the one on rape. I have someone very close to me that was raped when she was young as well. She didn't deal with it until she was well into her 50's. She totally regrets this, but realizes that she didn't know any better. I'm sorry that you had to go through such an awful experience. No one deserves what you had to endure. Try not to hold onto it. Take your power back from them so you can have a healthy relationship (thru Match.com) again. .
Glad to have you on our board. Keep visiting!!.
If I was in your shoes I probably wouldnt be worrying about dating (online dating with Match.com) and I'd be more concerned about the fact that I couldnt have sex or conversation without drinking..
Dating is different for everyone. The one factor that is the same for everyone is that dating (online dating with Match.com) is a process by which we learn about another person and they learn about us. This exposure is done emotionally and physically. .
Dating doesnt *have* to be slow - it can be whatever you want it to be - provided you feel comfortable with the flow. You have had boyfriends and husbands so you must know something about the process..
So is the question really..."how do you JUST date?" - For instance, I know women who can date using Match.com a different guy each week and keep things superficial enough to keep dating (online dating with Match.com) these guys for a while - because they want to see what is out there and not have to get too deep or too physically intimate. I am not good at that type of dating (online dating with Match.com) - and it is a type of dating. I used to question this myself - other women date using Match.com this way...should I? and after some thought and experiences...I feel the answer is *no* for me because I enjoy getting to know men intimately mentally and physically...these other women who I know who date using Match.com this way really dont like getting that close to men - unless they smell money and marriage..
There is nothing wrong with the way you have dated in the past - men have sexual encounters, GFs, wives - and other women have dated the same way. Why do you feel that how you have dated before is *wrong*? I dont see it. .
Look, just because there is no great guy available to commit to at the moment, why should any adult women have to do without some sexual fun or enjoyment? IMO, there is nothing wrong with having flings..
You need to find your pace and your comfort zone within the dating (online dating with Match.com) process from YOU - no one can provide that for you..
The only thing I can suggest is to allow your relationship (thru Match.com) with Bruce evolve on it's own - try not to put him within an existing framework in your mind like BF, FWB or fling. His intentions and the natural flow between the 2 of you will tell you his presence in your life, if any. But then you have to be able to not control the relationship. Remember not controlling the relationship (thru Match.com) is not the same as not expecting to be treated with respect...regardless of your status in his life like fling, FWB or GF...
Hi northwestwanderer, I understand what you are saying about the drinking. I have quit in the past, sometimes for years, only to start up again. Sometimes I can keep it to one weekend night, other times I'll stay on a 3 day binge and forget to eat..
I did start AA last year. I went for a few months until my ex said he was tired of babysitting the granddaughter. I had no one else to watch her and the group was too small to offer childcare at the facilities..
I know this sounds strange..but I drink to get out of my slumps. If I go a few weeks without a single beer, I become a major hermit, sad, and cant focus much on anything that needs to be done. I just went through this until I made myself go to a local small dive on Valentines Day, had a few beers, chatted with the patrons, and came home feeling more at peace....I am sure if I had some hobbies and friends they could replace the drinking..
I am like night and day when I am sober vs drinking. Sober I am quiet..too quiet...shy, withdrawn, sluggish, boring. After a few drinks I am smiling, laughing, dancing and animated. I LIKE me better when I have that 'high' so to speak...I am more daring, brave, etc...
Yes I am making excuses. If I give up drinking totally then I just feel like I will become a nothing, and lost..
As for the sex. Wow..thats a hard one. I just dont know if I want to give that up myself. I will have to think about that one for a bit..I am sure if I was seeing a therapist she/he would probably tell me the same as you just did..
Thanks for your suggestions and input!! Much appreciated..
Well, one of the many things that years of sobriety have taught me is that I *can* in fact be sociable without alcohol. I wouldn't have believed it before I quit drinking. People who didn't know me then have a hard time believing that because I'm very outgoing but it was true..
If you make drinking a non-option, then you may well force yourself to develop the sociable, fun side of your personality in other ways that don't involve alcohol. And you may well find you are plenty brave, etc on your own!.
As for the sexif you're anything like I was before I stopped drinking, sex equalled validation from the opposite sex to me. I felt like I had nothing to offer if I wasn't givng the guy sex. Now, while sex is still very important to me in the context of a relationship, it's no longer what I "start with", if you know what I mean. I want the guy to like me for ME, not because I'm having sex with him, so waiting works for me nowplus I know how inappropriately attached I get if I have sex early on. But I had to learn to be ok with what I have to offer a man besides sex before I could do that. .
Wow Sheri, I really saw myself in your words....You are right in that with my low esteem, I FEEL like I have nothing to offer a guy, but sex. It goes both ways for me though, I drink also so "I" can like the sex...otherwise I mentally block any enjoyment it brings..
So if I just up and quit drinking..I would be a lonely, shy, quiet person who never had sex again..what a bummer! LOL.
Maybe with seeing a therapist, getting out in public more, cutting back the drinking, finding some friends (not sure how to do that yet) and taking dating (online dating with Match.com) (Bruce) in stride I can feel better about myself where I wont need the alcohol crutch to just be NEAR a guy I like...
I know all these things..its just the doing it. When I am weak I have no support system to help..I am usually the one helping others (my kids/the ex/neighbors)..Maybe someone holding my hand through it or just kicking my butt would help?.
Seriously..I think you understand me in a lot of ways...thanks =).
Reading through your posts, and your replys to other posters who have responded, a few things strike me..
1) You may have had counseling, but it didn't work. You need to find one who is well-versed on abuse/alcohol issues..
2) You don't need a drink to be a wonderful person. All it's doing is masking your insecurities it doesn't make what is underneath to go away. Your problems will still be there..
3) Quit dating (online dating with Match.com) for a few years. Learn to love yourself! You may be physically beautiful, but you're still looking at the person in the mirror and hearing all the negative tapes running through your head..
It looks like he's backing off from getting too close, so I don't think there's anything to cling to..
You've already been given the links to the Crisis Center board. Another good one is Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse, and Sexual Abuse Healing..
Huge hugs, and good luck!..
~Hi tracy..you are an angel! I just joined the group you suggested, and see something good coming of it. I just posted there, and am waiting to hear back..
I just cannot let this guy go. He is way too amazing in so many ways. I havent told him all that has happened to me, but he knows there is something. He hasn't backed away, actually he has been more direct with me..which just makes me swoon, tho I am trying my best not to smother/crowd him..
I will tell him..just not sure when. If he leaves, than thats okay. I will be hurt, but it's a chance I am willing to take..
I dont like games, nor lying...these are MY problems..only mine..lol...
I am always told I am beautiful..i work hard to give my best at the outward appearances..my mother taught me well..same with my house, nobody can come in unless every thing is in place and no dust can be see. It is a lot of work, as I can NEVER relax due to 'appearances', so I walk a line of being stressed constantly..
Yup..things I HAVE to get over..
Again, thank you!!.
I'm glad what I said resonated with you and perhaps will help in some small way..
I personally don't think cutting back will be your answer. I think drinking needs to NOT be an option in order for you to be forced to find a way to live your life happily without alcohol. It may take a while (maybe even a couple years) of going to meetings and working the steps but eventually I would bet that you'll get there (the AA promises really do come true for many people)..
I think finding a way to attend meetings will be key so you can find support and friends through that. I know I found attending women-only meetings very helpful and I met some great friends that way..