Your question was: Has anyone ever used match.com, eharmony, or any of the other dating sites that are out there?.
NO, you don't "play him at his own game". If you don't like what is going on, then you leave the relationship. You say it's so hard and you keep going back, well hon that is YOUR problem, not his. He keeps doing this because you let him. He keeps coming back to you because you keep rolling over and accepting the behavior you claim you're so against. Every time you hint about getting close, he dumps you and comes back on his terms and you come back like a kicked puppy dog expecting that this time will be different. It won't. He says you'll dump him because he won't commit to marriage or moving in together. If that is what you want out of a relationship (thru Match.com) then you SHOULD dump him because this guy is not the one who is going to give you that. .
If you don't want the back and forth, then end it. Plain and simple. And yes, it IS simple. Tell him to respect your wishes and stop contacting you and then do not contact him. This is not going to change and as long as you continue to put up with it, he is going to keep on doing it..
You are in quite a predicament. I understand that you are hooked and that is the true problem here - forget about him and promises and marriage and space..
You are not getting what you want from him and you appear to be torn. I suggest that you take come time to reflect as to why you are hooked. I dont mean to be personal, but do you have a fondness for submissive/dominance situations? Because he has taken complete control...and some women are hooked into that aspect of the romance, rather than the man itself. Or they do not see themselves as equals deserving of proper treatment - more like objects..
I can understand a little hanky panky involving that type of situation, but I would not enjoy my entire life being held so tightly by a dominant man who abuses me for kicks..
He is not feeling sorry for the ex..he enjoys having women fight over him. He enjoys a little cat fighting. Dont give him this. He is manipulating you into feeling insecure. Once the feeling of insecurity overwhelms you, then you'll settle for less in life. He has it all figured out..
A person should leave this situation once this type of treatment has made itself apparent. Letting the offender (I call men like this offenders) go is important. Let him date using Match.com others, dont care, and you move on with your life because he is not dating (online dating with Match.com) he is collecting hostages. He is not giving other women anything special - that is what you might be feeling - that is giving this ex some part of himself that you want for you. Not so. He is mentally tormenting other women as well. He is just distributing his poison. This man is toxic, dysfunctional and annoying. You cant force him into the ideal you have in your head. It would be easier to date using Match.com others..
If you make any sudden moves to break from him you'll see that he'll respond greatly with fear and emotion. Dont be fooled into thinking he cares, because he doesnt. He only cares about himself. If he is the type to not let go so fast you'll be tormented emotionally, but do not give in to him. It will delay you moving on emotionally but at least you'll be done with it once and for all..
You asked why does he call you. He calls you and wants to see you because it suits him. Eventually it wont suit him and the calls will stop. He likes you on some level dysfunctionally..
Do what you have to do to break from him and dont give him any new phone numbers or emails. If you allow him to do these things to you then you are your own worst enemy, not him...
It's so very hard when we've fallen for someone and we know that they are not right for us. It is simple as the other posted stated to end it. Not so simple to hold on and be strong. Remember you deserve the best in life and if this man makes you feel all of these crazy emotions, he can't be the best for you..
Men have their faults just like us girls. They have needs as well. I don't think he's getting what he wants from the ex and that he might be filling in the blanks with you. You don't want to be part two..
I've been in your shoes. My ex boyfriend promised me the world and I fell for it. Then one day I got the "I can't do this anymore - I need to fix myself". Well he would call every once in a while and I missed the calls. I stood my ground and didn't call him back. He did just enough to keep him in my mind. This drove me nuts. I didn't want his offer of forever anymore, but it still drove me nuts. Well I know for sure he wanted to keep me in his pocket until he figured stuff out - a little while back he called wanting his second chance. I answered the phone this time. I really felt I knew this was coming. He got nasty when I told him no and even more nasty when I told him I'd met someone. He kept pushing for reason's he wasn't good enough - so I let him have it. He stopped calling..
I have to admit this shook me up. He actually scared me by how pushy he was. I am very very happy to say that I do not regret my decision at all. I haven't't felt this much relief since my divorce was over. I truly have a great relationship (thru Match.com) with my boyfriend. He knows all about the ex and he's handling it all pretty good. He's surprised that my drama comes from ex boyfriends instead of my ex husband. I think he just likes to tease me. We both keep a good sense of humor about ex's. It's a good rule of thumb. A little laughter keeps us going. .
Find something you enjoy that will bring some laughter into your life. You sound like you can use some about now. Be strong and don't call him. Be ready to change your numbers so that he can't reach you. You might even think about finding someone you can contact when you have the urge to contact him. This way you fill the time with someone who you trust and appreciate..
I hope my long reply with rabbit trails helps a little..
Rather than stooping to playing games, why not try something different? Why not decide what you want from a relationship (thru Match.com) and pursue that, even if it means giving this guy up? Why not put yourself first? Why not decide that you are worth more than a relationship (thru Match.com) with a guy that is unavaiable and plays games?.
You are right about when I have tried to move away he has been very sweet...and fearful of losing me. late last year this happened. One day e was in such a mod he just snapped and walked out of my apartment - he woke up like this...the next day he came over and said 'look I am confused - I dont know what I want' I want to spend time with you but time alone to see how I feel.....
I was so strong here..i responded 'I cant be with a man that doesn't know what he wants - especially at your age' (he's in his late 30's) If I accept your proposition then it means I dont love myself - so you leave me no choice but to break up...The next day the sms started he asked to see me...he said to give him time etc etc...
After we settled..again... that's when he started to dig at my self esteem in a very manipulative way...firstly about my body (that I am too skinny) then about my freckles - that I needed laser and the worst about my job - i.e you're in a managment position you should be able to handle this better bla bla....
He left me alone on N.Y eve saying the last minute that he didn't like what I had organised (he kept telling me he didnt know what he wanted to do) and I went out without him...
Now he is implicitly blaming the relationship (thru Match.com) breakdown on me...that I am the nag...that I am too pushy too demanding too this too that....
I guess I will just have to make myself scarce.....
I tend to agree with you that this man wont change ...he will just fine another victim for his poison.
However for some reason I feel altruistic...this man needs help and i have mentioned this to him....
How can I teach him a lesson he wont forget to shake him up?.
<<How can I teach him a lesson he wont forget to shake him up? >>.
You can't. People only learn what they are willing to open their hearts and minds to. The best way to teach anyone anything is to maintain respect and dignity even when you aren't getting it. to do what is best for you - happiness is the best instruction for anyone..
Some of the best advice given to me about men is this: if he doesnt know what he wants or doesnt know if he wants you...then he doesnt want you. Either you want it or you dont want it. Desires are very simple and men dont live up in their heads the way women do. .
Screw altruism! He needs help and he needs it fromsomeone who he hasn't hurt and abused. Are you co-dependent? If you are then you are sunk because that need to be needed will destroy your life..
There is no teaching this man any lesson. You need to be thankful that your exposure to him was limited and move on...
Omg i'm going through the exact same thing right now and I put up with it for like a week and I'm already over it. I'm never speaking to him again and he doesnt even know it. he's just cut off. let me tell what you should do - you should tell him to go f himself. the guy I'm talking about acts like he is SO so into me and then pulls away. um, I dont have time for that crap. he already did this last year. this was his second chance already and he just blew it. I'm done. .
Edited 2/6/2008 11:13 pm ET by blairbear89..