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Has anyone else been contacted by 'Micheal Ross' via Match.com and then been asked for money to retu

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My first question is: Has anyone else been contacted by 'Micheal Ross' via Match.com and then been asked for money to retu.

My next question is: Hi all, apologies in advance if this is slightly on the long side.I am 22 and am in a bit of a conundrum with a 27-year-old man on my fencing team (I'll call him Ned). We have known each other for a little while and things have always been friendly, but there has been a definite change in his behaviour towards me following my breakup with another man about a month ago. First Ned casually asked me about my ex, and once he found out I had broken it off he really turned on the heat. The casual outings we make every week with other people from the team turned into highly-charged conversations between Ned and myself, to the exclusion of nearly everyone else present. He always sits so close that we are pressed together on the otherwise empty bench, and we will sit this way and talk for hours, about everything in our lives from our favourite movies to our career aspirations to our social quirks, with no small amount of sexual innuendo thrown in. Even after our friends leave, we continue talking almost until dawn.

I declined, being unsure of his intentions, but later sent him an email saying I really enjoyed spending time with him so he wouldn't take it as a rejection; he responded in kind and we resumed chatting from there. It's like all of those "How do you know he's into you?" checklists were written for Ned. He does everything, the touching, the smiling, the nervousness, the eye contact, right down to looking at my mouth often and finding random excuses for me to talk to him or touch him (ie. he'll ask me to fix his coat). Suffice to say the signs aren't subtle, but he isn't crass or embarrassing.I have tried my best to let him know I'm interested too, reciprocating with touches and flirting, but he has not asked me out yet, or at least not in a way that could be considered an actual date using Match.com (there have just been invitations to come out with other people, other that one invite up to his flat and some suggestions of what we should do together that weren't set in stone).

Suggestions to this end would be good. Otherwise, I question whether he might not just be playing with me.Is it unusual for a man to spend so much time courting before asking a woman out on a date, or is it more likely that he is just having some fun flirting and doesn't want things to go any further? I would really appreciate some insight into this issue, as I truly enjoy Ned's company and would love to explore other possibilities with him, but don't want to waste my effort if he's just messing with my head.Thanks!..

Comments (25)

Your question was: Has anyone else been contacted by 'Micheal Ross' via Match.com and then been asked for money to retu.

It might be that he's just nervous, especially if you're not too far out from a breakup. He may be trying to give you some time before directly asking you out. However, if the breakup was, say, two years ago, then that's a different case. I'd give it a little bit of time and see if he gets brave. I'm not sure how long this waiting period might be, just however long you're willing to wait to be asked out by a guy who's showing signs that he's interested. And I'd say there's at least a 95% chance that he knows you're interested (unless he's a total moron who doesn't recognize flirting or doesn't know that it's a good indication that a girl likes him as more than a friend).And I doubt that he's "messing with your head," as you put it.

It may be that he just enjoys the flirting, but maybe not. Just don't put your life on hold while he makes up his mind. B..

Comment #1

Librarygirl might be on to something about him giving you time to recover from your break up.  He's probably making sure you are open to him or being with a man. For instance, he was probably assessing your emotional availability and/or bitterness by asking you to help him with his coat (touching him and helping him) and seeing if you were receptive to physical contact (sitting very close to you).  If he doesnt make a move soon then I could understand if you started to wonder about him some more...

Comment #2

Hi Nansense,.

Welcome to the board!!.

I think in some ways he is courting you already.  I think it's nice that you have more than just a physical attraction.  That says a lot!!  If you are enjoying yourself - I'd wait this out a little longer.  He should be asking for an offical date using Match.com before you know it.  If not - ask him..

Good Luck.

 .

 .

           ..

Comment #3

 <<I would really appreciate some insight into this issue, as I truly enjoy Ned's company and would love to explore other possibilities with him, but don't want to waste my effort if he's just messing with my head. >>.

I highly doubt he's just messing with your head.  He sounds like a nice guy!  So, honestly, why even plant ideas like into your head?.

Anyhoo ... my vote is for "he's taking his time" (as it doesn't sound like your time together is being wasted).

If anything, he may just be trying to respect the fact that you are recently out of a relationship.   In which case, you may need to take a bit more of the initiative (ie, ask HIM out) ... otherwise, he may not know that you're ready to date using Match.com (yes, he knows you're available ... but, there's a difference between being available and being ready ... and, without you saying so, there's no way for him to know that you're ready unless you say so).  ..

Comment #4

I agree - don't put your life on hold.  There are two people here - maybe you can ask him to see a movie the two of you have been talking about or to grab a drink and see where things go.

,..

Comment #5

I thought the most recent development in the Ned saga deserved a post, as things have quickly gone from confusing to beyond confusing.Last night Ned had myself and some other teammates over to his flat for drinks, and to make a long story short it resulted in my staying over for the night because it was too late for me to catch the train home. We both slept in his bed and although nothing happened, as I was leaving this morning he stopped me by the door and kissed me.While it was really nice to finally have an answer to my original question, the high was somewhat dampened by the fact that after kissing me he went on to say that he didn't know what had come over him but wasn't sure if it was a good idea for things to progress. He explained that being on the same team made him iffy, and that he wasn't sure if he was in the right place in his life to give me what I deserved from a relationship.I thanked him for his honesty and said I was glad to finally have everything out on the table, but the conversation didn't end there. Although Ned did stress how much he wanted to continue being around me because of how much he enjoys my company, he also added that it was torture for him to be around me and not do anything, and that he had been struggling with that for a while. He implied that there was a good chance he wasn't going to be able to resist the temptation.So is it terribly dim-witted of me to ask.... what now?..

Comment #6

<< So is it terribly dim-witted of me to ask.... what now?  >>.

When in doubt ... do nothing.  .

<< He explained that being on the same team made him iffy, and that he wasn't sure if he was in the right place in his life to give me what I deserved from a relationship. >>.

Translation:   He's not interested in a relationship (thru Match.com) (has nothing to do with what he thinks you deserve)..

<< he also added that it was torture for him to be around me and not do anything, and that he had been struggling with that for a while. He implied that there was a good chance he wasn't going to be able to resist the temptation. >>.

Translation:  he'd like to hook-up with you, he's tempted but he knows he's not going to want a relationship (thru Match.com) so he doesn't want to get your hopes up by hooking up and then have you get attached.  .

Advice:  Distance yourself.  ..

Comment #7

Ahhh...now he has unraveled his intentions and his plan - he's good at this.  Okay...he does not want a relationship (thru Match.com) with you, he'd like to have sex with you. If you want to have casual sex then he's your man...

Comment #8

Hi Nansense,.

Did you ask him why he is not in a place to have a relationship?  His answer might give you the information to decide if you want to have a relationship (thru Match.com) with him..

Good luck - I'd be confussed too!!.

 .

 .

           ..

Comment #9

I didn't actually ask what his reasons were, and that is partly because I have weird timing when it comes to these kinds of discussions - usually the onslaught of information prevents me from collecting my thoughts enough to get one or two good questions out. It's classic Nansense; the argument always suggests itself to me long after the fact.What I am most confused about at this stage is what *I* want to do; I fully agree with the other posters who mentioned that he was just looking for something casual (Ned himself said this), and I suppose all there is left to do is decide whether I am okay with that, or whether I was in it for something more all along. It's so frustrating to have had a "relationship" dragged into this when my question was about whether he was interested, not whether we were going to ride off into the sunset together. Just out of curiosity though, in your opinion how much does the specific reason for not wanting to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) factor into whether something more could even develop after that point? What would you consider a reason that can be worked around? I am usually inclined to accept "not ready" as "not going to happen" without reading too much into it, so it's interesting to me that you would see there being a different approach depending on what a man's reasons are. (That was poorly worded but hopefully you understand my question.)..

Comment #10

<< It's so frustrating to have had a "relationship" dragged into this when my question was about whether he was interested, not whether we were going to ride off into the sunset together. >>.

But, you have to understand, he did you a FAVOR?  I guess I don't understand what is frustrating about it ... since he's saying "I don't want a relationship" ... there's no mixed message there.  .

You see, he could be interested in you ... interested in you in all sorts of ways (if you catch my meaning) ... interested in 'just dating' ... interested in 'hanging out' ... interested in 'having sex' ... but, let's say you were 'just dating' ... casually ... then you WOULD end up even more confused! ...

So, yes ... he did you a favor by putting the ka-bash on any relationship (thru Match.com) possiblity.  .

<< I am usually inclined to accept "not ready" as "not going to happen" without reading too much into it, so it's interesting to me that you would see there being a different approach depending on what a man's reasons are. (That was poorly worded but hopefully you understand my question.) >>.

I know you didn't direct this to me ... and hopefully, our CL will answer ... but, I don't see a difference.   Does it really matter what the reason is?   ..

Comment #11

I fully agree where you're coming from, starbuck, and apart from my curiosity at CL's answer to my last question I don't have any illusions about how far things with Ned can go. My predicament is that I now have to decide how I'm interested in him (if you catch my meaning); I am not usually very forward-thinking when it comes to relationships, I like to take things one at a time and make bigger decisions when I come to them. A date, for me, is just a date, and I was open to testing those waters with Ned; I hadn't started to consider the possibility of a relationship, which is why the jump from going on a date using Match.com with him someday to him not being ready for a "relationship" seemed rather drastic to me. The latter just hadn't entered into my vocabulary yet, if that makes sense.Basically I have to decide if I want to just call it a day and not go any further with things, or if I would be comfortable with having a casual relationship (thru Match.com) and leaving it at that. Obviously that isn't really a question anyone can answer but me...

Comment #12

<< I am not usually very forward-thinking when it comes to relationships, I like to take things one at a time and make bigger decisions when I come to them.  >>.

This is mostly due to your age.   At 22, you are still living situationally, not pervasively (meaning, you don't think ahead on bigger decisions b/c you're not in a stage of your life where you really HAVE TO yet).  .

And I mean no offense by that ... but, that just is how it is ... generally-speaking, at 22, you don't need be all that forward-thinking yet..

<< Basically I have to decide if I want to just call it a day and not go any further with things, or if I would be comfortable with having a casual relationship (thru Match.com) and leaving it at that. >>.

Past precedent is the best predictor of future behavior.   Have you ever had any 'successful' casual relationships before?   If not, then ... you probably wouldn't now.   Women, in general, have a hard time with casual relationships, FWBs, no-strings types of things ... emotions get in the way.  .

So, what I mean by 'living situationally' is that you are basing this decision on THIS guy (ie, this situation). .

However, when you know yourself and your wants, needs in life better ... your decisions will no longer be based on specific situations (or a specific person) ... your decisions will be pervasive in that ... no matter what the situation, the decision will be the same because you KNOW what is best/right for you.

But, I know very few young adults (under 25 ... perhaps even under 28) who have the emotionally maturity/ability to be able to do that ... YET.   And again, that is not a slam ... it's just a stage in life thing. .

 ..

Comment #13

"I fully agree with the other posters who mentioned that he was just looking for something casual (Ned himself said this), and I suppose all there is left to do is decide whether I am okay with that, or whether I was in it for something more all along. ".

I see - you wish to examine your own motives...very wise of you.  If you dont make your own intentions clear to yourself, and jump into a casual thing with him (when you truely want more) you may regret it..

"What would you consider a reason that can be worked around? ".

There is no reason that can be worked through when it comes to men.  If he has made a decision in his mind that you are a casual thing, then 9 times out of 10 it stays that way.  Romance novels and Hollywood movies do depict a different story, but that does not usually materialize in the real world..

What is so funny is that men make a decision pretty early on about the status of a relationship (thru Match.com) with a particular woman and women work in reverse.  We usually like to get to know someone first before we decide which bucket he goes into...

Comment #14

I understand what you're saying about the age thing and that you don't mean any offense by it, although I don't consider myself in league with other 22-year-olds; the overwhelming majority of people my age aren't finishing a PhD as I am now, and already set in a career on top of it. It's is BECAUSE I have a pervasive approach to life that I have worked to setting things up a in a way that my bigger picture is secure. I have a harder time associating with people my age because I don't see things the same way in terms of life and relationships; usually I find the typical outlook associated with under-25s immature, though I try not to judge.I should clarify, though, that when I say I don't look at the bigger picture with relationships immediately, it is more of a don't-count-your-chickens sort of mindset than it is a fly-by-the-seat-of-your pants approach; I am confident in knowing what my own bigger picture is, in terms of what I expect from relationships and what my needs are, what my boundaries are. As I was going to say before snafu beat me to it, I like to determine how I feel about a situation before jumping into it. In this situation I just hadn't gotten to the point where I knew if I even wanted to pursue a relationship (thru Match.com) with Ned as a person, I was trying to figure out of it was amongst the options. Even now I don't feel that he has violated a boundary because I don't see a casual relationship (thru Match.com) as one.

I am not worried about whether I can do it in general, I am just trying to sort out my own feelings on the subject and whether proceeding will have potential drawbacks for me that I would be better to avoid. I'm deciding on his bucket. To Snafu, though, I completely agree with your final point - I think men are in some ways a lot less adaptable than women, which can be frustrating even if it is more simple, in some ways. I've met more than a few people who would suggest this is why they're happier creatures...

Comment #15

<< although I don't consider myself in league with other 22-year-olds; the overwhelming majority of people my age aren't finishing a PhD as I am now, >>.

Congratulations!   That is a wonderful accomplishment.   Truly.  .

<< It's is BECAUSE I have a pervasive approach to life that I have worked to setting things up a in a way that my bigger picture is secure.  >>.

Apply that to your dating (online dating with Match.com) life, too.   I understand taking a "don't-count-your-chickens sort of mindset" ... I'm very much the same way ... I was at 22 y/o ... and still am at 38-y/o ... you don't want to have expectations about dating (online dating with Match.com) ... which leads to the 'expectation' of a relationship.    I completely get it.

<< In this situation I just hadn't gotten to the point where I knew if I even wanted to pursue a relationship (thru Match.com) with Ned as a person, I was trying to figure out of it was amongst the options.  >>.

Ah, yes ...but, looks like he eliminated himself from the option ... so, of course with any dynamic between two people being a 2-way street, he simply decided before you did.  .

<< Knowing where he stands gives me some freedom to decide how I want to proceed, and nothing else >>.

Wise.   The best course of action ... when unsure of what to do or 'questioning 'what's next?' is ... do nothing.    What to do next will come to you when it needs to.  ..

Comment #16

Hi Nansense,.

I guess I wanted to know his reasoning to see if what something that was a short term kind of thing.  Like I'm working on my finances and to see if he had a plan for something like this.  But I guess when it all comes down to it, if he's not ready - he's not ready. .

I hope you will do okay with all of this.  I know this stinks when this all comes out this way..

Best wishes,.

 .

 .

           ..

Comment #17

"To Snafu, though, I completely agree with your final point - I think men are in some ways a lot less adaptable than women, which can be frustrating even if it is more simple, in some ways. I've met more than a few people who would suggest this is why they're happier creatures. ".

I almost didnt get your statement because I didnt initially read your reply to starbuck..

Men are way less adaptable overall then women.  How often do you hear about a couple getting married and the guy moving or changing lifestyle for the woman?  It does and can happen, but not very often.  Usually the new wife just assumes the husband's life..

I suppose men are happier creatures because they've mastered the "there's more fish in the sea" concept.  If a woman doesnt want to do the relationship (thru Match.com) on his terms there are plenty of women out there who will.  Women are more desperate than men in the love dept and men use this to their advantage...

Comment #18

I agree.   Probably there's an element of truth you your needing time to recover from the breakup.  Better to go slow and steady than burn out too fast anyway.

,..

Comment #19

Hello again everyone,It seems I am back. Just when I thought that Ned and I had reached something that could be called an agreement, things have gone awry again.To make a long story short, Ned and I wound up sleeping together. We had actually agreed to do nothing because of his earlier reasons (ie. uncomfortable with being an assistant coach, even if he isn't mine; not ready for a serious relationship, etc.), but he brought the conversation up again and we established that we could proceed with a casual relationship.I said goodbye to him the morning after with some finality, since he was leaving for Nicaragua the next day and I wouldn't see him for 2 weeks - this seemed like a good bit of distance for us. However, he called me later that night just to "say hello" and we talked for 2 hours. I was confused by the call, especially given his familiarity and affection towards me in the conversation.

To be honest, I was floored to realize how much I missed him, and actually seeing him brought up some intense feelings I hadn't expected. I kept some distance because of this but eventually wound up warming to him when his looks and little familiarities got to be too much. It was so nice talking to him, though I didn't go home with him (to his credit, he didn't try to take me home; he just talked about things we should talk about later or do together). Last night he called me again, which resulted in another 3-hour conversation that brought up more feelings towards him because of how easy and intimate it was. Even though I had decided for myself that sleeping with him again until things were clarified would be unwise, it still came as a little surprise when Ned suggested that sex not be an ongoing thing with us, as he wanted to but still thought it was a bad idea given the circumstances.

Not exactly the kind of comments that are useful when you are trying to avoid wanting to sleep together. I kept my tone light (I didn't want to make him think I had invested anything above the casual level) but afterwards I was quite distraught and disappointed by the conversation, even though he had talked about getting together next week.I am utterly confused about what to do now. I am getting mixed messages to the extreme (words vs. actions), which doesn't sit well with me especially because I am starting to have feelings here... but I don't know how to make him stop.

A part of me wants to just keep my distance and hope he gets the hint, but he tends to wear me down and I know he would want to know the reason for my avoidance. As such I think it might be better to suggest to him that he stop calling or seeing me, but I will have to give him an explanation; should I tell him about my feelings so he understands why he needs to leave me be? Or is that just giving him more incentive to keep pushing? All I know is that if I can't get something concrete from him, it has to stop and not continue with the flirtation and the calling. I just wish I knew the best way to make him see that...

Comment #20

I'm sure there will be mixed feelings coming from the both of you during this time because your emotions and attraction piqued, you had sex, and now...there is nowhere for these emotions and the attraction to go so it seems that everything is whirling around you instead of following a steady course..

If his presence disturbs you and gets in the way of you moving forward from where you are at with him, the best course of action is to just tell him that it would be best for you to have no phone calls or visits from him if he does not wish to have a relationship (thru Match.com) with you...

Comment #21

Forest.  Trees.  You're not seeing thru them. .

Step outside of yourself for a moment. What would you tell your own best friend if she were in your shoes telling you this story?   (that's what I thought).    So, be your own best friend!   .

I can't believe I'm going to say this (because I'm not a fan of the book) but ... sit down with the book "He's Just not that Into You" and take it all in.   Particularly the chapter on "... if he's not dating (online dating with Match.com) you" ... you'll even get a good laugh out of it! .

Look, I know who this guy is.  I've met this guy before (figuratively speaking, of course).   He's Mr. Complicated.   "Oh my life is so complicated" ... so many excuses ... being on the same team is 'iffy' ... all these reasons ... woe-is-him.    You guys TALK on the phone for hours (women are more inclined to be chatty on the phone) ... but a guy who talks on the phone for HOURS is a guy who thinks his life is complicated or super-important or whatever is making him so unavailable.  And he LOVES that you give him this time and attention.   (hours on the phone?  seriously, what are you getting out of spending hours on the phone with him?).

Now, take notice ... all that time he's spending on the phone with you ... is time he could be spending on a date using Match.com with you.  But, wait ... he's not dating (online dating with Match.com) you (see chapter in HJNTIY)..

Why?  Because he's not in a 'relationship place' ... or it would be 'weird' or whatever ... but, Mr. Complicated will gladly take up your time on the phone (so long as you're willing ... we permit what we allow).

Yak.     Cut the guy off.   Find someone available without so many excuses.   ;-)..

Comment #22

Hey,I appreciate your straightforwardness, and honestly, I have come to the same conclusions on my own. I think my hang-up right now isn't whether I should say something, but WHAT. As much as I do enjoy talking to him (our conversations, for the record, aren't really about him; if anything he asks questions about me), I don't get enough out of it to torture myself over his complicatedness. I get that.Someone suggested being up-front about having feelings for him and using that as a way to make him understand my need for distance. I just wanted to get some input about that point because I don't know how I feel about it one way or another; I see how it could serve a purpose, but the rest of me feels like I shouldn't concede anything else to his ego. Does that make sense?..

Comment #23

Just chiming here, you dont need to tell him your feelings if you arenot comfortable with that.  You can state that what you wanted out of a relationship (thru Match.com) with him was a dating (online dating with Match.com) relationship, nota FWB or a casual thing and since he wants one thing and youwant another you are not right for each other at this point in your lives.  You can leave the door open...if that is what you would like to do...by finishing it off by saying that if there comes a time that he is interested in being in a relationship (thru Match.com) with you to give you a call, but to settle for less than what you deserve and want  is not being good to yourself...

Comment #24

" (hours on the phone?  seriously, what are you getting out of spending hours on the phone with him?)".

Hey starbuck, dont knock it til you tried it, hehe...

Comment #25


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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