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Has anyone else been absolutely disgusted by online dating experiences, particularly match.com?

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My first question is: Has anyone else been absolutely disgusted by online dating experiences, particularly match.com?.

My next question is: I'm not sure what the normal posting protocols are but... I was with this beauftiful woman for about four years.  We had moments that I would descibe as pure bliss, while others were pure hell.  All and all though, she was everything I knew for the past four years.  I would say she liked to argue and argued dishonestly where I worked toward resolution.  This wasn't always true though... she more than anyone I've ever met could obliterate my even keel. .

Long story short, there were things that happened in the beginning of the relationship (thru Match.com) that severely stained it.  We pushed through, but from that point, she saw me as a "balloon on a string".  She's right.  I didn't trust her anymore, I found her disloyal, critical...by the same token, I stayed.  I stayed because I recognized there was more to her than that and at the end of the day I loved her.  She loved me.  We made it work.  Early part of this year, her job sent her out the country.  We talked about me going briefly, but I didn't think she wanted me with her so... she left.  I visited once... we had a great time.  After getting back, I took a trip around the world.  My concerns were immediate and only in the context of surviving the country I was in.  Before I left, she send a message on messenger breaking up.  I agreed with her on breaking up, even though I thought her method was a refrendum on my importance in her life.  I wasn't worth enough for a phone call..  I think while I was away, she did began to miss me a little and sent letters.  I ignored them..."You weren't interested while you were away, don't be interested now."  Perhaps it was calloused. .

We met in Aug... moving my stuff out the apt.  It was AMAZING.  Everything clicked and I realized why we were together in the first place.  I wanted back what we had.  For a while I think she did to.  I even considered marriage, something I was totally against while together before....it wouldn't have mattered.  She wanted every concession, and even then she still probably would've said no so....

It's like a gapping hole was carved out and there's nothing to replace it with.  This person that I felt like I've known forever now could care less.  I don't understand... it's the missing that kills.. the constant reminders throughout a day... the way a grim mind points to what you had while reminding you where you are..

Ultimately, it's just tough coming to grips that she doesn't care.  I'd lay in bed at night watching her on messenger forgetting about me.  Quitting.  Giving up. .

This morning, I erased her phone numbers and destroyed her messenger contact info.  She didnt' care about this either.'"Okay, take care.".

The question is now what?  Nothing feel right.  Everything feels awkward and smells of her.  It's almost debilitating....it's not that she's perfect.  Far from it.  She's very flawed.  It's...we were best friends.  When we first met, it literally was like we had known each other forever.  I think the time apart has redefined focus allowing up to be better equipped to be with each ohter.  Her apathy; the ease at which she can toss it all away at whim is what kills me..

How do I move on from this?  Hit the bars to find hook up partners to fill the hole?  Or ... just doing whatever to keep my mind off it til it goes away?.

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to extricate myself from her. .

Any advice on how to speed up the process???..

Comments (14)

Your question was: Has anyone else been absolutely disgusted by online dating experiences, particularly match.com?.

Maybe the "okay take care" was not that she didn't care, but a defense mechanism because she was hurt...

Comment #1

Hon, you don't 'speed up the process' of healing.

Just like you wouldn't try to run on a broken leg, you don't try to 'run' with a broken heart.  Just like a broken bone, the initial break can mend but the injured area will still need rehabilitation to regain strength and former useage.

If you push beyond what your broken heart can handle, you WILL end up in a much worse state than you are now. I fully understand that you hate the things you are feeling. They are hard and difficult feelings - but allow yourself to feel them anyway - becasue just like hunger, they pass.

In the year or so after my Dad died, I went through a very dark and painful period. Time is what heals broken hearts - not new relationships, drinking, drugs or such. Time. Every thing has a season, including grief. Find constructive ways to keep yourself busy - take on extra work, new hobbies, what not. Consider finding someone you can talk to about it - but you can't 'speed up the process' -.

If you try, you WILL end up in an even bigger mess..

Toni..

Comment #2

I am sorry for your hurt and loss.  I sound like a broken record giving this advise but it's so necessary and true, trust me I have been there done that..

You have suffered a loss, you need to go through the grieving/healing process.  How long it takes is different with each person.  As you  have started to do, get rid of all contacts, and any momento's of her.  Do not rush out into the dating (online dating with Match.com) world because it will only cause you & anyone you meet pain and hurt.  Take this time to get to know yourself, what you want, what you like.  Find something you really like to do then do it.  Go out with your buddies, watch sports and have a super bowl party.  You get the idea.  Dont look at every women as a potential gf or a one night stand.  Do not even think of dating (online dating with Match.com) for a while.  If you allow yourself this process you will know when you are ready to start dating (online dating with Match.com) again.  This way you wont carry any baggage into your next relationship.  Its not easy, it's one small baby step at a time.  You will be a better person if you allow yourself this time.  When you find yourself pining for her, think of all the negative things about her, I will just bet when you do that you will find there was more of them than positive ones..

The best to you.

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Comment #3

Hi Guys,.

Thanks for your feedback.  ts_Blossom... a defensive reaction?  It's possible, but...for better or worse, I define care, interest, "love" for that matter through action.  Anyone can say, "I love you."  Anyone can say, "I care."  It's action however that emboldens the words to make them grander they they could ever be alone.  There were times in the realtionship where she would lose her mind over something that I may have though was minor.  Screaming and freaking out.  Mind you, I hated this.  I saw it as misbehaving for attention, BUT, it did let me know she cared.  That she was interested in working to preserve what we had.  Lord knows we weren't perfect; but we certainly had  more than most and certainly too much to toss..

The "take care" was just the last show of apathy in what was... if I'm honest with myself, a rather long line of disinterest.  At least in this last year anyway.  I don't fully blame her, I had my distant moments and moments of needing space; even moments were I thought, I'm glad it's done.  I guess the world traveling helped to  redefine perspective...sure she's argumentative, nonspontaneous, critical, and has a bit of difficulty seeing beyond herself; at the same time she was always willing to talk it out.  Even when I wasn't.  Even when she wasn't successful at something she was certainly willing to try.  Not to mention, my double virgo, aries moon, Venus in Leo can't possibly be the easiest thing to endure (astrological reference).  I can be just as critical, sarcastic, bluntly truthful when wounded; and certainly the need for  (grand) displays of  attention to convince me of interest can be a bit tiring..

I guess I kind of look at it as no one or thing is perfect.  Practially speaking, I try to determine if what's there is enough to make things work to the advantage of both people.  I honestly think yes.  At our best, we were blissful.  But jesus, an aries moon versus aries sun is not the tamest of relationships.  Still... the volatility was because we did care and wanted to vigorously work toward solutions... at least most of the time..

That's really what bothers me the most.  We've grown.  We're better...she doesn't care.  It's guess it's moot now though.  I have no way to contact her anymore. .

Sorry, I guess this is turning into a diary LOL..

I think you're both right, the feelings just have to be experienced.  More work, more bars, a few flings, but still experienced..

Sorry for the length...

Comment #4

Your post is all about her apathy towards you and hence, your bitterness towards her.Its not easy to reach the stage you say she is in.it takes a lot to reach apathy towards whom you have loved once.Period. She must have been so hurt and must have gone through so much agony that it ended in feeling nothing! Guess what? even if it's apathy you see from her,i am sure she is hurting like hell.For you it seems just the ego hurt that she is not fighting for you.Maybe from her POV, you just hurt her ,not even sorry ,nothing else! She said 'break up' , without phone call and you accepted it without any protest, did you respect her decision w/o question? Very strange.Did you not fight for her? Why dont you try to win her back? Ego. Ego is a huge thing to let go. Why you think she doesnt care? there has to be a reason and from your post all you remember about her are her flaws.so why grieve? she was not good in any way, right? The toughest part for you to swallow is that she is the one to break-up and not care any more.I am sure she believes that you are not worth the effort and you believe that too or you would fight for her.Why did she break-up ? Its a good excuse to hit bars and pick-up girls at your will and no one will batter an eye as you are just hurting and trying to fill the hole left by her!Sorry, no sympathy from me...

Comment #5

Hmmm... If you read the post, I didn't just list her flaws.  I think I was well balanced in listing both of ours.  Fact is, as I listed, we weren't perfect.  It was volatile....

Bitter?  God no.  I think she's a great person.  I wouldn't love her if I didn't think she was.  In fact, my breaking contact was only because I needed time apart to get my bearings.  Not because I was "bitter" or didn't like her.  I love her to bits.  It's just difficult to be a messenger buddy with someone you genuinely care about that doesn't really care about you.  At least not to the same extent anyway..

I guess it could be a bit of ego.  Not from her breaking up over messenger though.  In the post I mentioned I was okay with breaking up... I didn't necessarily like the medium though. .

As for fighting for her?  I put myself out there a few times; more than I ever have with anyone else; she wasn't interested.  Hell, she was less than interested..

You seem a bit annoyed... not sure why.  No matter, you are right that what "hurts" is she doesn't care anymore. .

Also, not really looking for your "sympathy."  Practically speaking, it doesn't do anything for me.  What I was looking for, as I stated in my first post, were ways to speed up the process.  Cry and moan about it all you want, but no one can deny that hitting the bars and falling into other relationships... in essence, fillers, does help in the forgetting...

Comment #6

First, I am not annoyed , I am putting myself in your exs shoes and trying to feel how one can reach apathy and though I cant put it in words very clearly, but feel that she must have gone through a lot of hurt to reach that point and that doesnt happen in a day.it takes a lot of tolerance, suffering inside which doesnt get less with time as well, MO.What seems to you just " Hell, she was less than interested." must have meant a lot to her ! some food for thought! but your ego will not let you accept what you might even know for a fact.Ego ruins relationships." Cry and moan about it all you want, but no one can deny that hitting the bars and falling into other relationships... in essence, fillers, does help in the forgetting." Go for it then and speed up your process! you dont need permission on an anonymous board !..

Comment #7

To be honest, I'm not really a bar guy.  I don't casually pick up women.  I tend to need to be friends first.  Maybe you're right.  Maybe she's not "apathetic.".

I get the feeling something similar happened to you.  Maybe not similar, but definitely relationship fallout.  Wanna share?  I'm up to listening.  I can gleam insight off your situation...

Comment #8

Anger management anyone lol..

Egos can ruin relationships.  That's a general truth; one that's not really relevent here though.  Despite your your clear annoyance (I guess I hit a nerve) maybe you're right.  Maybe "apathy" is too strong..

As for posting on anonymous boards...not sure where that came from.  Don't remember asking if I needed permission.  Hmmm... I guess you're adding what doesn't exist.  Sorry this posts hits a nerve for you.  You will probably say it doesn't (oddly enough that IS ego), but clearly something is bothering you..

Thank you for the helpful parts of your POV that actually pertain to the original idea though.  Apathy may take time.  Unfortuantely it's just pov... I can't definitively know what she's feeling.  What I DO know, is what she said, which was she's not interested.  Which kind of goes back to the orginial post.  Advice on speeding the process..

I'll ask again.  Share your experience.  I don't think you set you handle to "heissick" and post with this tone if nothing happened.  If you're honest with yourself, there is CLEAR tone in your post...

Comment #9

My story can be found over all the boards,lol! "I can't definitively know what she's feeling. " Isnt it a pity that after 4 years of your relationship (thru Match.com) with her,you dont even know what she feels? "What I DO know, is what she said, which was she's not interested." take to her words and move on.There is another board ,'Breaking up is hard to do' to help you 'speed up the process'.P.S. it doesnt hit a nerve, though I feel sorry for your ex, not you...

Comment #10

Hmmmm... my first reaction was annoyance.  But, I actually appreciate the helpful part of your pov.  I guess I was being rathing selfish in only thinking about how I felt.  I also think you're right that she's most likely not apathetic...she probably is upset.  Upset maybe an overstatment... I don't know.  It's less about what she says and more about behavior..

You on the other hand.  Frankly, he" from "heissick" maybe sick (from your pov anyway), but clearly you're not far behind.  Really.  Get therapy.  Otherwise the broken aspects yourself is going to screw up whatever you get into with any other "he" you fall in with, and your story will be "found over all the boards, lol!"... again..

You're gonna ignore it, but it's absolutely true..

Ultimately, however, on one point you're right;  "take to her words and move on"..

Pretty much...

Comment #11

Maybe you're right... maybe it is ego. .

Your generality may actually be true here.  I think about what I think she ultimately wants and...she's certainly not wrong.  I also think about the "hold backs"...my reasons are just, but may not be enough of a justification..

Hmmmm......maybe I should put myself out more..

I think your opinion is based purely in a perceived pain versus some great apprasial, but, that doesn't make it flat out wrong.  Maybe I should push more....

I'm not a fan of how you state things but...I guess it does help me consider more...

Comment #12

Not really understand what it is your trying to say, but I know a woman who did this recently.  Except it was the other way around, he sent her a messenger breaking it off and she was devastated.   The only thing she could do was say "okay".  He knew he couldn't go through with seeing her and everything ending up the same as it was before.  I don't blame the guy - enough is enough.  She needs to "see" what she did and that's completely understandable..

He had his reasons because of things that happened when they met and yes, she sees how it all has effected the relationship and her life.  She has to accept that anyone looking at it from the other side would probably "run" for the hills.  But for some reason this guy "hung in there" and gave her a chance.  If it were the other way around she would have run too.  It's a mistake she will have to live with for the rest of her life.  It's a shame because she is such a loyal person other wise - loyal to a fault as a matter of fact.  .

I did speak with her the other day and she was talking about "abandonment issues" and a tramatic experience when she was young I think.  Had to cut the conversation short and didn't get all the details.  Only thing I got was that these issues make her shut down if her heart is danger of hurting.  Funny though, because it creates the very thing she is afraid of...broken heart...at least this time it did anyway.  Then she mentioned something about having a book on it but I had to go.  I could only assume she is aware of them - just didn't focus on resolving them.  Counseling should help I guess..

Maybe your girl has abandonment issues.  Just a thought.  It sounds like you are weary and have had enough.  Can't say I blame you after all the relationship (thru Match.com) went through.  You were really attracted to this girl and saw some qualities you liked and then you found out some bad things she has done too.  It must have destroyed the image you had of her...was it painful?  It would have been for me if I was dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy and really thought highly of him and then boom - imperfections and some of the worst kind.  It's hard for a guy to take.  I understand.  Do you think that sometimes love just isn't enough?  Or the timing was wrong but then again maybe it was meant to be this way.  Maybe these lessons needed to be learned before you could truly have any kind of relationship friendship or otherwise?  But then again maybe not.  How will one ever know?.

I feel for you and my friend is really feeling bad for her guy too.  She said something like another realization has come to light for the first time in her life.  I smacked her arm and told her, "hey, you have been having a lot of those lately."  She likes it I think...she said the life she has always wanted is in view now (meaning she sees what has held her back).  Sure, other men are out there and she has the ability to attract them but she really liked what this man brought into her life.  Just a shame the timing was so off or maybe it wasn't..who knows.  I just know that I feel sad for them both right now..

Edited 10/30/2008 4:21 pm ET by ts_blossom..

Comment #13

Yes you never really know what's going on with someone else unless you actually communicate with them. Otherwise we just imagine all these fantasies in our head.

,..

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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