Your question was: Guy problem - I met a guy on match.com abt 2 years ago.?.
I am wondering why you haven't dated in 10 years? Do you ask women out on a regular basis? It sounds that despite your many talents and accomplishments, you are lacking in self-esteem which might be the reason you haven't done well on the dating (online dating with Match.com) scene. Women are most attracted to men with confidence - when you talk about the flabby bartender who can't pay his rent, I'm thinking he is probably chatty and self-confident and women tend to be attracted to that. .
You can have all the money and accomplishments in the world, but if you don't like yourself and lack self-esteem at the core, this will hinder you finding a love relationship. I am sure you ARE date-able, but somewhere in your core, you don't believe you are and that's why you are having trouble. It sounds like you are busy in your life and have a lot going for you, so perhaps it's time to figure out why you don't think you are worthy of love and how you are going to go about fixing that..
Perhaps it would be worthwhile to partake in some counselling or reading in the self-help zone - you are the common denominator here - once you gain self-esteem and truly accept yourself, warts and all, women will be more attracted to you. People in general are most attracted to people who like themselves and have confidence in who they are. No woman will ever love you more than you love yourself, so that's the place to start..
If I've missed the mark and you don't suffer from low self-esteem or a lack of self-confidence, then I would just say that it is a numbers game and you just have to keep asking women out and eventually you will meet someone you truly click with - persistence always pays off..
Maybe not give up, but instead re-evaluate, either what you want or what you are doing. Self-esteem and self-confidence is important I agree on that, because those are needed to make moves in relationships, specially in the beginning. At least in my point of view..
As for women giving out numbers at a bar, I know it happens... only because I have one friend who did it once. However, all my other friends, including myself, won't give out a number at a bar. Maybe if the person hung with them the entire night on a nice but attracted level, then yes, but usually even then they don't and I'm hesitant in general about that. If the guy asks if we can meet up again, invites us/me/her to an event, or gives his number, and isn't drunk, then actually we normally see him again. Sometimes it turns into something more, sometimes it doesn't.
I'm not really anyone's type either right now. I have a lot of guy friends, and alot of girl friends, but no boyfriend. For me it's a bit of the self-confidence thing. I don't have the confidence to initate much other than friendship. And then mostly the numbers game. What I'm trying to do is going to many places just with friends or sometimes on my own and trying to meet people.
So, don't give up, just switch up. Or do what you like and don't be bothered by the rest. Either way it's your choice. :-).
I would tend to think that as a successful single 35 year old attorney you are in a prime place to find women to date using Match.com you can go younger, you can date using Match.com older; the world of single women should be your oyster. Plus, from your post, you sound interesting; I bet you have some good stories to tell about your trapeze performances. So without actually seeing you in a social setting, it seems almost impossible to guess what the issue could be. I would ditch the bar scene as a place to find women. I live in a big city filled with bars and single people, and yet I do not know one, not one, heterosexual couple who met in a bar. It's a crap shoot at best, in my mind. But are you looking in other places OLD, networking events, social clubs ? Have you asked any friends to set up you ? Are you being too picky ? Are you asking enough women out ? Are you confident and do you flirt ? Or are you eccentric ? It's just tough to guess. 10 years is a long time. Have you thought about asking a close woman friend for suggestions ? .
The comments from people who dont know me are actually quite useful, as they bring up issues that I and my friends have overlooked..
If it is a numbers game, a statistical analysis would suggest that I give up by now or radically change something. Ten years is an awfully long run of bad luck.
I agree that confidence is the key requirement for success. As a successful litigator, I can read people quite well, and I rely on such observations to serve my clients. When I am out with friends, I can read someones body language, eye contact, and subtleties of speech that suggest their interest in one of my friends. If such interest were ever directed toward me, I would certainly recognize it (although I would probably be quite surprised), and I would certainly have the confidence to act on it..
I have had many introductions set up by friends, and while such meetings led to rather wonderful friendships, I never ignited that spark in someone. People have commented that I seldom talk about myself in social situations, but tend to encourage conversations surrounding others stories and experiences. My sense of humor is notable, and sometimes my witty or sarcastic comment will put everyone rolling on the floor. Meanwhile, some of my friends can be condescending, crass, and abrasive, and still get a date using Match.com with almost any random lady..
Perhaps I am a bit eccentric as well. I just got back from Tahiti where I spent two weeks on Bora Bora alone in lavish accommodations for two because I figured it was the only way I would ever get to visit that place..
In an attempt to ascribe meaning to my statistics, sometimes I wonder if there is something about me on a genetic level that makes me a poor choice as a mate, and people can read it subconsciously. There is quite a bit of scientific research that makes the supposition plausible. Regardless, Im sick of the numbers game, confident in what the statistics tell me, confident that another ten years will pass and another ten years after that if I remain the person I am today. Ultimately, I know I need to change it or accept...
Funny I read your posting wondering the same thing - except I'm female and 25. It just seems like something I'm not going to be successful at.Let's point out what you already know (and have pointed out yourself) you're a catch on paper. Unfortunately all we can really address in a forum is how you look on paper. So basic qualifications? check. What I can't assess is the other parts, how you speak to, behave towards and generally treat women. You know why women like the bartender? because they *are* cute! they're flirty, they make us laugh and we feel comfortable around them.
There is such a thing as being "overqualified," if women get the idea that you're convinced that you're a catch - it might follow that you think you're out of their league. Do you? or, do you give off the air that you think this? Another reason we like the 'cute' but imperfect guys - they always let us know how luck they are to be with us, when you meet a woman is your thought (or projection) "you should be so lucky..."Finally, where are you looking. If a guy talks to me/hits on me in a bar - I assume he's looking for a one night stand. When I was a teenager I used to give my number to guys at bars, but they never called. No woman I know over 19 does.
A guy I know in a similar situation (great sweet guy, a successful doctor and obscenely smart but just had bad luck with women) joined a salsa class to meet women, he felt stupid but it worked. Try something risky like that - at worst you gain a new skill. You obviously work out, do you stay in the men's weight room? maybe try a coed team or something like that. Also, give online dating (online dating with Match.com) a try. The easy thing about it is that a) we've established that you're good on paper, good on paper = good at online dating (online dating with Match.com) since the initial contact is strictly written.
Men are lucky in that they just get progressively good looking with age (it bothers all women who do the opposite) just put the same strategic thinking and effort into finding someone that you put into becoming a successful lawyer.L...
Confidence and self-esteem are two different things. One can have confidence in the moment, but still lack self-esteem at the core. As in you can have confidence in yourself as a litigator, but still lack self-esteem in really knowing your self-worth. I know this because I used to lack self-esteem. I also had many things that made me interesting, attractive and likeable - except at the core, I didn't accept or like myself. I don't think I really figured out what my problem was until I hit my early thirties, before then I had wandered through life knowing that I had all these great qualities, yet I seemed unable to make them really work for me. The way you describe yourself makes me wonder whether despite all these abilities and accomplishments that it's really your lack of self-esteem that is hindering you in relationships. I guarantee you it's nothing to do with the way you look or your genes or anyting like that - it's what you project. Let me ask you something - has there been a girl that you've been very interested in that you have pursued wholeheartedly? You say that you can read a girl's interest through her body language, but have you ever just seen a girl and not got any 'interested vibes' but pursued her anyway? Do you take risks? Put yourself out there, even if the odds aren't great? Or are you waiting to make sure that the girl is interested before approaching? The dates that you have had - how were they? Were you confident and relaxed? Or did you spend a little too much time worrying about how they were enjoying the date? .
You say you need radical change - maybe the change is that you need to get out there and take risks and believe in yourself at the core (not for your accomplishments and talents) but for you, the imperfect person, warts and all, that isn't hiding behind his role as a litigator or circus performer. If that's your photo in your profile, then you are gorgeous and I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't have many (many!) interested women. As another poster stated - at your age, with your job, your looks and all the other qualities you describe, the world is your oyster! But until you really believe that for yourself, you'll continue to wonder why you just never seem to meet anybody..
Why not pick up a book or two on building self-esteem and just take a read and see if it fits or not? If you keep doing what you're doing now, you're going to keep getting what you're getting, so reading a few books couldn't hurt, right?.
One thing I will say - don't give up on love - to give up on love is live half a life. I used to be like you - good looking, funny, lots of talents, lots of friends - but always single. When I finally figured out my issues and raised my level of self-esteem and felt at peace with myself, I was single for about five minutes before a very lucky guy snapped me up! Keep the faith..
Hi again,It's great your good at reading body language. That can be very helpful if you can figure out your own. Some people come on as a "just friends" type. I, personally, normally have that style. My friend who is flirtatious by nature, attracts a lot more attention because of that difference. Laura also made a good point that I agree with.
He has alot of self confidence and is a really great guy. There's a number of girls who have told me they like him, but won't do anything because they think he's too up there. Since he's like my brother, I know it he's not perfect, but it's the image that counts. I also liked Laura's story about joining Salsa and I think it's a great idea. Bars don't tell much about a person, and in my mind too is the concept of 'one night stands'.
1st impressions don't have to be true, so I like meeting people more than once.Coolas said to do something that would shake your core. If nothing else it would also lead to change. Generally when people do something very different, some sort of change occurs from it. It's hard not to adopt or respond to drastically different things. It's a good thing to do though.
You say that they will tell you "You're not my type." but are there things you are looking for? For example one of my friends met a guy at a book club that fits her much better than those from a club she use to go to. Good luck. I hope things go well with whatever you decide!.
No, you shouldn't give up on dating. I think you should just learn to enjoy it!.
It's hard to provide advice without knowing the actual person; however I don't think that your confidence or self-esteem is the problem..
It sounds like you've been busy for the past ten years working on your goals and developing a sense of what you like and want to do (i.e. traveling). I think you just haven't found "who" you're looking for..
Instead of focusing on what women want, figure out what you want. You obliviously have the necessary qualities and characteristics (humor, wit, career, stability, etc.) that women desire and you possess a level of ambition that just needs to be applied to the dating (online dating with Match.com) scene..
Go out there and have fun! Get what you want and remember that you're not on anyone's timeline but your own..
Smiles and Sunshine.
I didn't get a chance to read any of the replies, so forgive me if I repeat something..
Here's what I think about the 'timing' of dating. If you're NOT sure where you are in your life, this is NOT a good time to date. NO 'quality' man wants to be around a grown woman that has no idea what the hell she's doing with her life. IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!.
Step one, SERIOUSLY think about how to want to make a contribution to the world, in a POSITIVE aspect. I know you said you work out, but what else are you doing that you REALLY enjoy? What are you passionate about? Are you living out this passion, or are you waiting around for something to happen?.
Focus on YOU first, then guys. It sounds like you have the order of things backwards, which is giving you the results you have. If you don't like what you've been getting, CHANGE SOMETHING. Make a list of ALL the things you WILL accomplish before you die. Seriously! If you don't know what you like or love, how are you going to be happy with someone, when you're not happy with yourself?.
Wow, have I made a mess of things. It's so embarrassing, I will probably leave Chicago..
This dating (online dating with Match.com) thing is definitely not for me. Out of the 100 or so women I asked out, most declined, thankfully. The majority of those who agreed were no-shows. Then there were quite a few who called me before the date using Match.com to tell me they had reconsidered accepting my offer. Of those who showed up, most said there was no "chemistry" and had no interest in considering a second date. At least they were honest. They usually said something along the lines of "while we share lots of interests and it was fun meeting you, I don't feel any chemistry between us." I don't know what chemistry is, but whatever it is, I certainly don't have it..
The problem is that I should not have conducted my little experiment so close to home. Now, the word around the neighborhood is that I'm "That Creep" who asks everyone for a date. I never had thought of myself as a creep before. But now that I think about it, I certainly fit the bill. At least before, I had the good sense to keep my creepiness to myself...
When I read your initial post the words that crossed my mind were 'detached' and 'cool' - this is at the heart of connecting to people, being warm and open, and it doesn't sound like you know how to do this. Being open and fully transparent in who you are, warts and all - is what endears people to you. Friendliness and warmth come from the heart and is shown through the eyes.
YOu say you tend to ask most people about themselves, use humor, etc - what do you reveal about yourself? Those are all ways to keep a protective shell around you. People like to know that you are human - being vulnerable is how people connect. And until you connnect with someone in an intimate way, date using Match.com one will not turn into date using Match.com two, and so on.
I agree that self esteem is likely teh heart of your issue. People may not feel like they ever know the 'real' you behind all that polished exterior. REading body language is great - but opening yourself up to others is what bridges the gap and builds friendships.
Usually people may not know why they feel this way, but there is something in YOU that is unsettling. you may not be hiding anything intentionally - but it comes out this way. People tend to stay away from those who seem untouchable - this is what I got from your post.
I do think it's a great idea to get involved in something that is well outside your comfort zone. In doing that, it forces you to take risks and be open. I will also suggest that success is only achieved when you focus with intention on achieving something - relationship-wise you seem to be focused on remaining detached. If you want an intimate relationship (thru Match.com) with someone - you must first open and vulnerable. The fact that people are not drawn to you is telling - it's your persona that is repelling lasting relationships. If you want something different you must first decide what it is and then become that kind of person. Like attracts like.
And in case you are wondering - I know of what I speak. When you let people into your heart - fully and completely - they don't say no..
'..successful attorney who runs his own practice, is a published author, a musician, and has a lower BMI than most Olympic athletes'.
If the above plus your age of 35 really is true, and if the picture displayed really is yours..my apologies but I don't quite believe your post is 'real'. Unless... you are 3ft1?..
I agree with what Toni said. The fact that you view asking a woman out as 'conducting an experiment' means that you are not really fully engaging in it, it's more like an observational exercise - and a woman can sense and will be uncomfortable with a man who is not really 'present'. You can't be present right now because you don't know how to just be 'you' and be comfortable enough to let someone in and KNOW you and you can't get comfortable because you don't like who you are and so you are afraid to expose the real you because you don't think you're good enough at the core. Please find a way to work on your self-esteem - I guarantee you, the minute you get to a place in your life where you truly accept yourself, warts and all and are willing and open enough to allow people to know the real you - women will come flocking..
Hang in there..
<< fact that you view asking a woman out as 'conducting an experiment' means that you are not really fully engaging in it, it's more like an observational exercise - and a woman can sense and will be uncomfortable with a man who is not really 'present'.>>.
Yes - definitely a turn off. I like to watch and observe people too - I learn a lot about people that way - BUT I engage with genuine interest in addition to taking it all in. No one likes to feel like they are an object of study and that everything they say or do is being measured as a means to an end - that IS creepy - it comes across as stalkerish or gives the impression that you want something from them without giving anything in return..
To teh OP - you originally asked "should I give up dating?" No - but you should give up what isn't working and your approach and demeanor towards women apparently isn't..
Edited 7/26/2008 9:00 am ET by tonitoons.