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My question is: Guide to using

My 2nd question is: My boyfriend and I have been dating (online dating with for a little over two years. We are serious and want to get married. A little over a month ago, we decided it was time he introduced me to his 13 year old daughter (when I say introduce, I mean as his girlfriend, I had met his daughter and been around her before - probably about 5 years ago, but I wasn't "dad's girlfriend") and since then we have all 3 spent time together many times. It has gone very well in my opinion. I know each situation is different, but I am wondering, in general, how long we should wait to be publicly engaged. I already have a ring and we know we are getting married, but we haven't set a date using or really let anyone else know because we want his daughter to see us together as a couple for awhile longer until we tell her we are getting married, that I'd be moving in, etc.  We realize it will affect her life a lot.  What can I expect for a good time to let her adjust to her dad dating (online dating with me and realize and adjust to the seriousness of our relationship? .

Things that might be factors:  her mom and dad divorced when she was 5, her dad has only introduced one other woman to her during these eight years, her  mom has introduced her to two men, one that is a current serious relationship (thru (but I'm not sure how her mom acts around her with her bf or how serious her daughter thinks it is)....

The reason behind my asking:  next summer, my boyfriend plans on buying a new house so as to get his daughter in a better school system.  I feel that would be a good time for us to get married and start our life together.  He has expressed to me that he doesn't "think she will be ready" for that by then.  I don't understand why she wouldn't because everything has been going great with her.  Of course, I realize that he does know her better than I do and if that were true (her, in fact, not being ready) I would definitely not push it.  However, I am just concerned that maybe he is just using that as an excuse to put off our marriage.  Buying a house is a big deal and when I think of him buying a new house without me, it insults me to think that I'm not a big enough part of his life to be involved with such a milestone even after he has professed his intentions of marrying me..

Any thoughts?..

Comments (6)

Buying a house is a big deal and if he's going to do that and you're engaged, id expect to be choosing the house *together*.  if he blocks you on that id be hella upset and skeptical about his intentions to really follow-thru on getting married..


Comment #1

Thanks for your response.  That's what I am afraid of.  I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being insensitive to his daughter...

Comment #2

Well, you said next summer.. you don't think one year is enough time to get used to you?  I think it is..

Are you trying to get married before or after the buying of the house? ..

Comment #3

I think it is as well.  And I think that he could at least say "we'll see how things are going" but he doesn't.  He just flat out says she won't be ready and that we won't be moving into the new house together.  Right now he says everything will more than likely be ready 3 years from now.  He stresses that it's his daughter he is worried about, but I'm thinking it's more than that...

Comment #4

I very often hear of quite long engagements, so a long engagement I think is not atypical at all.  however I personally have never understood it.  I don't see the point of getting engaged and then not marrying until forever and a day later..

So of course if you want to get married before 3 years away then you need to let him know that very directly.  if he won't budge, then you'll have to accept his time thing or move on. ..

Comment #5

Out of sheer curiousity why did you guys wait 2 years to introduce you as his girlfriend? I definitely don't mean that in a bad way, I am currently dating (online dating with a guy who has a child so I am curious because at the moment we are in the steps of introducing me a little bit at a time. 2 years just seems like a looong time to wait. Patience isn't a virtue of mine! My BF and his ex decided to make a 3 month rule, after dating (online dating with someone exclusively for 3 months they can be introduced. As for my BF, his son is only 8 so me being there if BF has other friends over doesn't make him curious about me in the least. I don't think he even remembers my name yet!So far, their plan seems to have worked well. Their son seems as adjusted as well as could be hoped..

So enough about me. IMO, daughter is 13 and old enough to realize that "mommy and daddy" aren't going to get back together. Which in my personal experience is the main problem kids have adjusting to a new bf/gf of a parent. Their "dream" of being one family again has been squashed. Then again she IS 13, depending on how often your FH has her makes a difference in the timeline to announce your engagement. If he has her every other weekend, it may take a little longer to get used to the idea.

A few months to be would seem sufficient to announce..

"Statistically" the average engagement is 18 months. I couldnt wait that long! I think the length is generally saving money to have a those big weddings. For me, I would hit Vegas, so 18 months would be me twiddling my thumbs. Next summer is when he plans to purchase a house. To me, that is plenty of time to get the child adjusted and get married. I would be insulted as well if I were in the same situation.

I don't think he is neccessarily "stalling", of course that is a viable option, but maybe he is just a little overprotective of his daughter? Another thought is this: What if his daughter IS uncomfortable and hates the idea of you two getting married and you moving in? Would you two break up? I think you might put it in those words to your FH. Men tend to need things broken down. If she *doesn't* accept it, is he just gonna break up or hide you, or push back getting married indefinitely? The answer should be NO of course. So waiting  and just delaying the evitable won't really do much. If you are going to get married no matter what then she can get used to you as dads fiance or as dads wifeeither way you aren't going anywhere..

I don't have I'm not the best advice giver on the subject, they are just my simple ideas/opinions. I hope it helps in some way...

Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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