Good questions to ask in

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My question is: Good questions to ask in

My 2nd question is: I have some confusing male behaviour I'd love to interpret or clarify..

I will begin by saying that I am the Manager of a successful intercollegiate fencing team here in Canada, which is also open to recreational club members. This is a job I have done for about a year, and love it; it is also where I met my current romantic interest (and no, there are no rules against me dating (online dating with people on the team... I've checked)..

I'll call him Alex. He is new to the team, but not a student; he is, however, a couple of years younger than me (for what it's worth). I definitely took notice of him right away when we met in September; he is extremely attractive and seemed to want to banter right away, although our contact was fairly limited between then and our first away tournament at the beginning of October. I didn't necessarily think too much of our relationship (thru (aside from really enjoying the view) until that tournament, when I started to get the distinct impression that he was interested in me. As Manager, I try to help out the other athletes by going for coffee and lunch runs when I am not fencing myself; Alex began inviting himself out to coffee runs with me, and I was a little taken aback by his intensity in asking me questions about myself and wanting to talk about everything under the sun. I discovered that we have an astounding amount in common, and he is very much a pleasure to talk to.

Pretty obvious, I felt. We sat together on the bus ride home and his leg was touching mine for most of the trip despite having more than enough room to ourselves. After this point we also started up a fairly extensive email correspondence about our common interests. The inevitable Facebook invite arrived in my inbox..

Because I do want to avoid seeming like I am playing favourites and am sometimes prone to shyness, myself, I try not to hang around Alex all the time or constantly be striking up conversations with him at practices. However, he does usually come talk to me and seems sweetly nervous most of the time; he also tends to back off when there are other people around. A couple of weeks ago, thinking I would get the ball rolling, I invited him out to a concert we both wanted to see, but that I had found out about at the last minute. He didn't get back to me before the show but brought it up the next day, when we were en route to another tournament. He asked how the show was and expressed disappointment at missing it, because he hadn't gotten my email until it was too late. I should add that I had included my phone number in the email to allow him to contact me more quickly if he wanted to come to the show..

The next day, at the tournament, Alex barely spoke to me, which is understandable when someone is fencing. I didn't really think much of it, although secretly I was disappointed, because he was leaving the venue early to make it home in time for a concert. When I took a break from my own fencing event to check my phone messages, I found a number of texts from a mystery number that turned out to be his. I gently teased him about bothering me while I was fencing when he'd ignored me all morning, and joked that he was probably just bored at the train station, and he responded by saying, "I could say the same thing to you... is your event THAT boring though? And I'm not bored, I'm calm." He explained that when fencing he tends to zone out. We texted back and forth a bit more over the weekend, but he kind of petered off on his end and I left it alone.

At practice a few days later, we did not really speak until the end of the night, when I offered him a ride home; I had borrowed my mother's car to help me with my recent move, and was returning it to her that night. She lives very close to Alex. However, Alex turned me down saying he had another stop to make before home and didn't want to take me so far out of my way, even though I wouldn't have minded a 5 minute detour. Not bothering to insist overmuch, we chatted for a few minutes instead and again I felt there was a certain level of nervousness in his conversation. Eventually I had to cut the chat short because I was already close to midnight and I had a lengthy drive ahead of me before even being able to come home..

Yesterday, I found out that a DJ we both like was doing a secret show; I texted Alex to invite him and was turned down yet again. He said he had a friend's birthday to go to. I jokingly said that I was reaching my quota of things to invite him to before I'd be crushed by the constant rejection, and he laughingly responded by saying he was usually hard to get a hold of on account of having too many committments. I left it at that and told him to have a fun night..

I should point out, here, that I have never felt rejected by his, well... rejections. I'm not really the suspicious type and his reasons seemed genuine enough. The reason why I am posting this here is because I am not really sure how to proceed, and because I find his behaviour somewhat confusing. I feel so sure of his interest when we are together (especially given the fact that he has not made remotely the same effort to get to know anyone else on the team), but can't figure out why he has not tried to make any direct advances or ask me out. Although he doesn't seem like a shy person, his conversation and demeanour when he comes up to talk is a little too nervous to suggest that he is just messing with my head.

But I do find it a little weird that he has never attempted to make alternate plans to get together. I must acknowledge that I do not know whether or not he has a girlfriend, although based on conversation and Facebook (preliminary glance only, honest), this doesn't seem to be the case; I have avoided asking him myself because it always seems off-topic and a little too indicative of my own interest..

Does anyone have suggestions about how I should proceed with this one? I hate the game-playing and feel a little too old for it, but at the same time I don't want to be overly aggressive or the only one making moves. Let's face it, it's nice to get asked out once and a while, even if you've been dropping the hints. Sometimes I wonder whether my interest is obvious to him at all, since I am frequently accused of being too subtle, but at the same time I am wary of coming across as desperate by inviting him out (and being turned down) to something new each week. I would really like the opportunity to get to know Alex outside of a team setting, and I sense that he does too, but I'm a little frustrated by the lack of progress..

Thanks for taking the time to read my tale...

Comments (5)

I think it should be pretty clear to him at this point that you would like to go out with him. If he is really interested in you, then he will find a way to make it happen. I would back off on asking for a while and see if he takes the lead. Whether he is making excuses or is truly busy, there is no point in continuing to suggest things if he is never available. If his schedule is that full and he really wants to see you, he will find a time and let you know. If he is too busy for that, then he was never that interested to begin with.I do think you should find out if he has a girlfriend before proceeding further.

So what if he guesses that you have a romantic interest in him because you've asked that question? You do have a romantic interest in him. You say you don't like game-playing, but if you are not saying what you want to say for fear of him finding out the truth, then I see that as being phony and playing games...

Comment #1

To My Fellow Canadian:You invited him to a concert, offered him a ride home and extended an invitation to a DJ event. He declined. How should you proceed with this? You have to back away. No more moves. You have done all you can do.If he wants to be with you, he will move mountains to be with you. He may be shy but he knows you are interested in him- you have opened the door.Just be your friendly, warm, nice self around him and that's it.

Whatever will be will be, let things unfold they way they were meant to. Good luck with Mr. Eye Candy!..

Comment #2

I think this was one of those situations where I just needed to hear someone else say what was already in my mind; I really hate chasing people but sometimes it's hard to shake the feeling that you aren't doing enough somehow, when really there's such a fine line between doing enough and going overboard. Especially with guys.Thanks for writing back, we'll see how things go with the hands-off approach...

Comment #3

I know how frustrating it can be to like a Co-Worker believe Me.  I think You did all You can do and have been really generous about it.  Now it is time to take a step back be cordial to Him.  If He is interested in getting to know You better it is totally up to Him now You opened the door and there is nothing wrong with that at all I think You are courageous I know how tough and frustrating it can be to get the ball rolling now a days with some Men..

I have a situation myself I like a Guy and I asked about Him to another Girl that works with Him on occasion which I regret doing now She has gotten real catty with Me since the conversation  and I have no clue what she may or may have not told Him. So I am taking it a day at a time He is flirting with Me Everytime He sees Me so I have to see what happens now that is all I can really do.   I hope something gives soon!.

Good luck.


Comment #4

Question for you: Does HE know it's ok to date using within the team? He may not, and that may be stopping him.Another thing: So many people say, "I don't like to play games," when dating (online dating with is a wonderful way to "play" with someone! Not in a bad way, but in a lighthearted, friendly way. FUN. Yet another: In all these conversations, etc, you two have, you seem to be really nice to him, but, are you flirty with him or do you just talk to him like a friend? There's a definite difference between showing him you're interested in him as a friend, and showing him you are interested in him as a man. He may not even know you're being anything other than nice. I'm not talking about acting like someone or something you are not, but I AM talking about taking you outside of your comfort zone a bit.From what I read of your description of events, and how you presented things here in your post, I'm getting an inkling he has NO idea you're interested in him as anything other than a friend, because none of what you listed is anything I wouldn't do with or ask of any of my platonic friends.What do you think?.


CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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