Good on paper vs. Good in bed?
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I've been seeing two guys over the past month or so, and now I'm having a tough time deciding what to do. Perhaps I need some insight here...Guy #1 - "Tom" - I SAW him for the first time on New Years Eve '07. I don't think we met, but I remembered thinking that he was gorgeous. I met him for the first time at a going away party for a friend in April. He approached me and we started chatting. I was with my boyfriend of two years at the time (we broke up two months ago btw).
He's the kind of guy who is great on paper. Great job, great family, good looking, very personable, great golfer... the list goes on. He's the kind of guy I always imagined marrying, and he's the kind of person that would fit in with my family and lifestyle. BUT.
I feel like we lack a certain emotional connection, and a sexual connection. He seems very inexperienced with women, and often very nervous around me. We never really discuss deeper subjects... we would mostly discuss just football and work if it were up to him. Sometimes I find that he doesn't remember things we've previously discussed, but I think it could be just nerves.
Every time we try to get sexual (no sex yet), it's a complete disaster. I'm talking about imagine the worst hookup you've ever had and multiply it by 10. Bad. He's really clueless. Amazing b/c he's 33.
Bad.We go on great dates together, he's very respectful to me, and he told me this Saturday that he really wants to have a relationship (thru Match.com) with me. In fact, he invited me this weekend to a big event that he and his family will be attending. I guess that's why I'm now feeling like I need to decide. I met his boss for the first time over the weekend, and the guy LOVES me. Wants to have Tom and I over for dinner at his house...
Bleh). But we had an INSTANT connection. We have a LOT in common, and there is definitely a physical attraction. He didn't call me right away after he got my number, in fact, I ended up sending him a text message on the 4th day after he didn't call. However, we ended up going out to lunch on a Friday.
We ended up seeing each other almost every day before he had to leave for Mexico for work last Friday. We have great chemistry, and he's interesting. He got back yesterday from Mexico and we spent all last evening hanging out. We went for a walk, had dinner, and got REALLY hot and heavy on the couch... almost TOO heavy.BUT...
We all have flaws. He seems to want ALL of my attention, and the most warning I've had for a date using Match.com so far was a few hours in advance for a baseball game. However... they were great seats (a few rows up from home plate). Spontaneity ain't all bad.
Again... not terrible, but tough when you want to "up the ante". And of course, there's the fact that his ex lives in his house, and I'm not allowed to go over there (I've posted about this previously). Additionally, I asked a guy friend about David, and he warned me that David could potentially have "a$$hole tendencies". His only reasoning for that though was because of one of his guy friends being a real jerk...
Really there isn't much that keeps me from wanting to be around him other than the fact that I'm a little nervous about trusting him, and that we're moving so quickly.I enjoy my time with each of them, but for totally different reasons. I love my public life with Tom. We have cool friends and an interesting life together, but lack intimacy. I love the instant connection with David, but I fear that it could all be fleeting and I'll regret blowing off Tom for him. What do you guys think?..
Your question was: Good on paper vs. Good in bed?.
Just based on what you described, I am not sure either of these guys is a great match for you. .
Tom....Chemistry cannot be faked. You have it or you don't. I am 56 years old and I keep thinking I am going to outgrow my need for some physical attraction. Guess what? I never have. I like the idea of letting it grow, in theory but the truth is I just don't want more than 2-3 dates with a guy that I am not feeling it with... Good on paper? You would not believe some of the men that I have had to end it with over this issue..
I just think you have given this a good shot with him and the attraction is not there. It is important to you or you would not be posting..
Other guy (David) I am not seeing him as a keeper. Fun for a couple of months maybe but will probably never really give you any emotional stability. Listen to your friends with open ears and read between the lines..
But if I want to pick one today and see where it goes? Tom. Character beats chemistry. With time, he may be more comfortable and chemistry may develop. But I don't think the bad boys change all that much, ever. It is my personal opinion that I would rather be somewhat bored but even emotionally. I just don't like the drama. (Still living with his ex???? you know you deserve better).
Just my take on the limited info given! Good luck and let us know..
Edited 9/26/2007 11:51 am ET by sassyflalassy..
I agree with the previous posterneither of these guys sounds like a great match for you, unless you just want to have a fun fling with David..
*Sigh* Thanks... I know deep down you're right. A fun fling might not be so bad right about now though ;-)..
It all depends on whether the items that you find unpleasing about these men are things that can be workable, like a compromise, with each of the men. For instance, if you dislike David's last minute invitations can you approach him with a compromise of giving you notice most of the time? As far as Tom goes, are his bedroom moves something that can be improved with more time together and communication? Or is Tom hopeless? If you do not like Tom in bed, eventually you will dislike him out of bed. If David doesnt get his ex out of his house, then you are swimming upstream here too..
Try to refrain from seeing David until his ex leaves and he is totally finished with her in every way. I know that Tom would like you to be his GF, but if you are interested in David I dont know how you will be able to commit to Tom...
I vote: None of the above. Don't settle..