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Going with my gut...but confused...

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I am going to try to make this as understandable as I can. I'll call my guy Pat. He is 37. I am 24..

A year and eight months ago, Pat and his wife of 8 yrs. got divorced.  She ended things out of nowhere. No one, not even their families, saw it coming.  Two months after that, I started working at a bar that he co-owned/opened.I was dating (online dating with Match.com) someone (of 3 yrs) at the time.  During the next six months we were friendly, though I thought nothing of anything. He dated someone briefly...nothing huge.  Fast forward to April, and I had ended things with my bf, and he was starting to make advances.  Long story short, we started to see each other. We kept it quiet bc as my manager he was not allowed to date using Match.com the employees. Fast forward a year to now.  We have a ton of fun together, enjoy each other, have "sleepovers" a few times a week if possible, and are just really great together.  I wound up leaving the bar (so those people actually know that we see each other now) and working at a place that he had worked at.  He actually left the bar as well, and came back to this job and so now we are working together again. (Though there are no rules about employee relations..there are a few, actually)Though we keep it quiet here because he doesn't want to say anything until his head is "straightened out".  He is finally getting out of his house w/his exwife. They had to stay bc of financial issues, and the market was awful and they just sold it.  He's a guy that believes you should just go for things and live life.

Has issues from his ex leaving him.  He doesn't know what he did, etc. He says that he knows how great I am and how lucky he is and that he is just so frustrated bc until he gets out of his house and settles that, he knows he is gonna go through some bad emotions again and that he might be distant at times.  And that I don't deserve to go through his garbage, and he can't give me what I need and dserve now.  Some things are great- he's introduced me to his entire family and a bunch of friends (the family was a huge step for him), and when we are together it's great.  But I am getting nervous that after the next few months things are not going to be good.  We've been with each other a year. He wants to see me as much as I want to see him. And he says he is not interested in anyone else or wants to be with anyone else. He's happy with me..

Comments (4)

Hi SP,.

Welcome to the board!!.

One thing you didn't mention was if he has children.  That puts a very different twist on things..

So he breifly dated someone before you and was still living at the house with his ex.  Wow what a strange situation to be put into.  He doesn't seem to have closure just yet and he will definately have to work through that.  And to be honest you can't really help him!!!  If you try, I think it will only prolong the closure process.  I don't think you have to make a black and white decision about this right now.  See how things go.  A relationshiop is work and you've got some heavy stuff coming your way.  Take your time and let him have the time he needs too..

Good Luck.

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Comment #1

Yeah that does make it way simpler.  My BF has two kids and they are a lot of work and great all at the same time.  I don't have my own kids, so I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants some times. .

So hang in there.  I think sometimes society paints a picture that men are supposed to be so strong and not let this type of hurt get to them.  But boy that is hard!!!  Remember not to be too much to him right now and to let him come to you.  Keep up with your own life.  Even if you don't want to see other people to date.  Keep going the things you love.  I think he will appreciate you mantaining yourself more than you will ever know..

Stay strong and good luck,.

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Comment #2

You're totally on.  he def. places emphasis on how he wants me to do my own thing sometimes...cause sometimes he just feels like being alone...and plus it's always good to have your separate things....

It's just hard. I think with the age difference we feel differently on things.

To me, serious is almost what we have.  we're exclusive, see each other a lot, talk a lot...been seeing each other a year....i'm 24.  that's how I view it.  and then you keep dating....maybe move in together, get engaged...get married... I would like that stuff...but i'm pretty relaxed about when it will happen. whenever I feel it's right.

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But he's 37. and I think his concept of serious is different and that is what scares him.  to him, "serious" is moving much faster than my definition.  serious is loving each other and marriage and kids.  I guess if I was 37, that would be what I might think it to be.....so I think bc he is hurt and scared, letting himself get his "serious" is scary. .

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Comment #3

Age definately has something to do with all of this, but everyone is just different.  Next time the two  of you get to talking let him know there is no pressure on him and how you are feeling.  You know sure I'd like the whole thing, but only when it's right for the both of you..

Sometimes I watch my BF and he's so into me and then I see him scared.  He's making sure he doesn't go through a big mess again.  His divorce was ugly!!!  I know what divorce isn't, but this one has a lot of moving parts and it's taken him a few years to get back on track.  I even know that I'm not ready (just yet) for all that is involved with him, but we are both working on it..

Come vent with us any time. .

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Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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