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Why do so many guys just disappear? Even when things are going absolutely fine, not a wrinkle or bump in sight...they just vanish, literally without explanation. I don't think anything can be more hurtful to a girl. Especially when there was a very regular routine of contact, going out. I was seeing the absolute sweetest, most considerate guy for two weeks, or what I thought was a sweet, considerate guy. Both of us have been through a lot, and have shared experiences, thoughts, etc. neither of us has shared before, because we were afraid to.

Now he has just disappeared, no call, email, etc. of any sort of explanation. I called him, just once, to ask if everything was ok as we had made plans to get together today. I've yet to hear back. I know I have not know him all that long but this is very out of character for him, meaning, when this has happened before in the past, the guy was usually a jerk from the beginning.

He definitely seems like if things were not working out for whatever reason, he would tell me. Why do so many guys hurt girls this way? This guy was so different, he treated me so well, if a guy like that can just turn, forget it, I'm not dating (online dating with anymore...the pain and confusion of this has become too much to bear. I'd rather just deal with the occasional bouts of feeling lonely by myself...

Comments (11)

Your question was: Ghosting....

I dont think there is one definitive answer to fit all men and all situations. I think that they like traumatizing women and then creating a society of women who are going to jump at the drop of a hat when the next guy dates her. Then the next guy gets to take notes and pass on the research experiment's findings to another guy who will probably be 5th in line to date using the same girl. Other than that...I have no clue...

Comment #1

Yes, isn't that horrible? And what makes it worse is when it comes from a guy who seemed so nice. Like if a guy tended toward jerky tendencies then ghosted, it hurts but almost makes sense based on past behavior. I have gotten really, really bad about trusting anyone now. Men are always so obsessed with looking cool and acting like a man, don't they realize this is putting them in the worst possible light?! It makes them look like immature, scared boys. I thought I was done with high school years ago!..

Comment #2

I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. It's very hurtful, especially because here was someone who seemed different.  But if he is indeed the type who is capable of being so rude and yes cruel, it's better he shows his stripes early on..

But there are nice guys are there, nice guys who also get hurt deeply by insensitive women.  So please don't let this deter you, let it just help you appreciate all the more the truly nice guy when you find him. .


Comment #3

I agree with you. Somehow men see dating (online dating with as a sport where they need to "win" and women are the enemy until you make them become submissive and compliant. They want a society of women to walk around with abandonment complexes. Why? I dont' know because when they are good and ready to settle down they are going to have to foot the bill for the complex they installed (as a society of men with oaths and everything) in our minds years earlier.It would make sense for men who display unattractive qualities early on. But hopefully we cut them loose early on too. Men who appear to be responsible and nice and who ghost are either cowards, passive aggressive types, or sickos who like tormenting women with trauma.What I have been noticing is that when some men decide to come back to the woman they ghosted on they have some crazy story about a father dying in southeast asia or something bizarre like that, hehe.No one has officially ever ghosted on me.

I didn't care for that treatment back then and I wouldn't appreciate it now...

Comment #4

I never understood it either. I would at least give someone the courtesy of knowing I was no longer interested. Why not give a girl some closure?? Even though we should ALL know that it isn't's them...rejection is still rejection. I am going through a similar situation right now, so I can completely sympathize...

Comment #5

I think there is a misconception about nice guys as being somehow different than other men. Just because they treat people politely, as others should be treated, they are still wired like any other guy. I know because I am one of those nice guy types. The best advice I can give you is to not call him. This will make him think about you more. He may need time to think about things because he knows that something is starting to happen between you two.

In my opinion you may have hurt your chances a little by calling him that one time. If there is any chance he could see you with someone else it would most definitely drive him crazy. One time I was waiting for a girl to show up and she never did. Someone gave me some advice and I'll try to pass it on as best I can : "How is it when you are waiting for a bus, it never seems to come, but, the minute you light up a cigarette it magically appears"...

Comment #6

Thank you everyone, for your responses. I guess human behavior is just unexplainable sometimes. I only wish the word would get out to guys how much this can behavior can hurt and confuse a girl. I have had several opportunies myself where ghosting would have been the easier thing for me to do, rather than face the awkwardness of telling someone I was not interested, it's not working out, etc. but I did not, simply because I just can't see hurting someone like that, even if I know I'll never see them again. To me it's just wrong...

Comment #7

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I must confess that I have done this to a few guys as well as had it done to me. When I did it, I just was'nt capable of being in a relationship (thru with anyone nice guy or not due to unresolved issues of sexual abuse from my childhood. What he did was not about you. He has some unresolved issues too. You were just the casualty in his personal war against himself.

Don't let this undercover jerk scare you from giving your heart to some one else. Just take your time in getting to know somebody's true charecter...

Comment #8

You are advocating game playing raymond2001. If it "hurts her chances" then GOOD. Then she is out one big fat loser and is free to date using someone who doesnt play games...

Comment #9

Yes it is wrong. However he did expose himself early on and now you are free to date using someone nice and normal. You could try something the next time you find yourself dating (online dating with someone. A screening question of sorts. You could ask them how they handle uncomfortable situations - do they try to duck and run or confront something head on? You could wrap the question in a situation that you yourself could supposedly be dealing with and ask him how he would have handled the situation. That may tell you how he will handle a break up with you. Just a suggestion...

Comment #10

Hi snafu,That is a really cool idea! I can't wait to try that...I wish I had known sooner. Well, if I ever get crazy enough to try dating (online dating with someone AGAIN, I will definitely work that in ASAP! Thank you!!!..

Comment #11

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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