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Get what i want?

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I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a terrific guy for the past few weeks. We've seen each other practically everyday. He does a lot of things that a love and want from a (future) partner... but there are some things I want him to do and I don't know if I should ask him or just let it lie. I really love it when the guy will bring me flowers or give me a "just because" present, but I don't think he is that type. On our first date using Match.com he gave me a mixed cd of songs I had mentioned I liked (that was so great!) but I also like getting flowers once in awhile.

I've tried being an example by doing things to him that I would like, but it doesn't seem to rub off. I'm not as bold of a person to just say "i like it when..."I just don't know how to bring up my wants - and it is a new "relationship" too so I don't want to seem like I'm demanding all of these things from him... If I don't say anything now about what I want, then things might not progress as I want them to... unless I just need to wait until we've been together longer?So, when is it okay to tell the guy what you want then?And how do you tell him without making him feel bad about it?..

Comments (6)

Your question was: Get what I want?.

Yeah, the example thing doesn't work with most guys. You either need to get your nerve up and make "I like it when" statements and see what happens, or accept him as is (which you may need to do anyway, if he doesn't act upon hearing what you like). Also, if you want to change many things about him, then you may just not be compatible.What you definitely do NOT want to do is something like, he brings you a CD and you say "thanks, but I like it when a guy brings me flowers". Ouch! Hopefully you wouldn't but I'm just sayin'! The more appropriate way would be when you're walking by a flower market and you say "Oh, wow, those lilies are gorgeous. I really like it when a guy brings me flowers". Then move on to another topic.I'm glad you've moved on from the previous guy, and that you've met someone new.

I'd take a step back and OBSERVE him more for compatibility rather than focusing on what he's not doing and trying to change him.Sheri..

Comment #1

Thanks, Sheri.There isn't much I don't like about him! I am really happy being with him at the moment, which is alot more I can say with the previous ones. We've only been together for about 3 weeks, but we have seen each other immensely and I'm more comfortable and open around him.I know it feels like I am rushing, but it is so different with him that it makes me want to do more with him. Everyday I found out we have something else in common And maybe he will tell me things he likes too - I know communication is the key to a healthy, happy relationship, so if i'm not open with him about what I want, he will never know and I'd just be unhappy that's always been my problem in the past, so I want to try to overcome my fear of communicatiing sensitive subjects, etc...

Comment #2

Hon, it's only been 3 weeks and you're already trying to change him.  There is a difference between letting someone know your needs and wants and trying to make them into a person they're not so they are the person you want them to be.  If he's so wonderful, why not just let things flow for several more weeks.  You don't know yet that he is not a romantic guy that might bring you flowers "just because" - you've only been dating (online dating with Match.com) him THREE WEEKS!!!  How many "just because" moments can there be in THREE WEEKS??  He may be taking things one step at a time - first the CD, some other time flowers or another nice gesture.  Besides, these "just because' things actually lose their meaning if they are "all the time" instead of the occasional "just because".  And if you tell him what exactly you expect, then again, they are not "just because" they are because you told him to do it and again, it loses its' special meaning.

You are definitely rushing things.  Slow down, get to know him and see how things go and if he does other romantic and sweet gestures in the next several weeks to few months.  If after dating (online dating with Match.com) a while longer you still want to "tell him what you want", then go for it.  But let things get off the ground before you start making demands and changing him..

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Comment #3

No, it doesn't FEEL like you are rushing, you ARE rushing ;-). All of us who've done it in the past know exactly what you're feelinghaving BTDT, I'm saying, slow down anyway!!! As one of my favorite books on relationships says (I'm paraphrasing), "if it's the love of a lifetime, you'll have a lifetime to enjoy it so what's the rush?"Sheri..

Comment #4

I agree with Sheri on a couple of things: 1)the example thing doesn't work and 2)to carefully observe for compatibility.However, I think it is a fine time to state one need/want especially when it comes to sex. By seeing that he does take your needs seriously then the relationship (thru Match.com) will continue to grow because you will feel more loving towards him and thus he will feel successful in meeting your needs. By him feeling successful in meeting your needs he will (hopefully) look for more ways to make you happy. So I wouldn't pull out a laundry list of items that you want and need right now. Kissing and blowing in ear is a good place to start because who doesn't want to have good sex? Right? So...when you are feeling comfortable...maybe while you are making out...you can, in whatever way you like to express yourself during those moments, tell him that you want him to blow in your ear. In this particular situation...since he doesn't already blow in your ear...you don't ask him for something like that..you TELL him..in a sexually aroused way...so he gets into it too.

Here, you wouldn't want him to feel bad that he kisses in a different way than you prefer. You can mention to him one day, while he is kissing you, that you want to show him a way of kissing that really turns you on. If it is done in a naughty playful kind of way hopefully he'll respond to it. Or..you can both exchange "wants". Maybe there is something that he likes done to him that you don't do or you do differently and this way it can be part of foreplay.As far as the "just because" gifts...it is too soon for those to take place.

Flowers are different and some guys will do that early on as part of the wooing process and then drop it after they know they have you. I would suggest starting with the ear blowing. Then...after you see he responds...you can follow up with the flowers...but there is a twist here. Incorporate the flowers into your love making. Realize everything to them is about their ego and their penis.

So, if you can find a creative way to use flowers as part of your sexual fun...he may..see flowers as something that he gets to enjoy too! Just a thought. Go slow with this and maybe he'll start to think of creative ways to make you happy...

Comment #5

Guys love when you tell them what you like - just couch things always in the positive you love it when he does this (i.e. certain way he kisses, etc),you're so attracted to him, and you'd like to know what other things he likes as for instance there is something else you know you like, etc..

And getting a mixed tape for someone involves more effort than flowers so again praise, praise. But you can also casually mention at some point when it seems like a natural extension of something going on around you how you are a typical chick and always like flowers.

So yes take a leap and get a little bolder - the rewards can be wonderful for both of you.

,..

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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