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Friendship Match.com??? To Find friends not lovers?

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My first question is: Friendship Match.com??? To Find friends not lovers?.

My next question is: Hi, I'm new.  This is my first post, so please go easy on me..

I've been seeing this man for 3 1/2 months now, and while he says he loves me, he sees me at most once a week.  He's in the military (stationed permanently here in the States) and has a son that he gets every night (till 7:30) one week, then just one night the other week, plus the standard every other weekend.  In his work, he usually works on the 2 weekends he doesn't have his son..

I've told him that I'd like to see him more often on more than one occasion, but I still don't see him nearly as often as I'd like to.  He seems content to talk on the phone every day, and only see me occasionally. .

He tells me that he loves me.  While intellectually, I believe him, emotionally, I'm not feeling it.  I'm seriously doubting that he sees me as anything more than a casual hobby..

A long time ago, I read "The Rules," and tossed out most of it as manipulative game playing.  I picked it up again recently, and now am thinking that this may be a good strategy to get what I want out of this relationship.  I guess I've gotten old enough and comfortable enough being alone that I'm not afraid of playing hard to get..

What are your views on "The Rules?"  If you think the book presents a viable strategy, do you think that implementing them 3 1/2 months into a relationship (thru Match.com) is a waste of time?  Have I already put up with too much crap, and should just dump him, or do you think he'll come around and see me more often?.

At the beginning of September, he told me that he'd like to come down and stay over every night the weeks that he doesn't have his son, and invite me over for dinner one night during the weeks that he does have his son.  I had to nix the first part of that idea because I have 2 teenage sons of my own, and I do NOT have men sleep over.  But since I told him coming to see me for dinner was fine, but sleepovers were out, he's abandoned that plan altogether and hasn't brought it up again..

He's a really really wonderful guy.  I just feel like he takes me for granted.  It's not like he has NO time.  I'll talk to him some nights, ask him what he's doing, and he'll say "Nothing."  It makes me wonder why he's not seeing me those evenings!.

Sorry to ramble on.  I'm getting disorganized in my thoughts.  But this has been rolling around my head for over a week now, and any constructive views on my situation would be greatly appreciated...

Comments (12)

Your question was: Friendship Match.com??? To Find friends not lovers?.

I'm not a huge fan of the RulesI think they are too rigid.  Although I do agree with the basic premise of not chasing after a guy..

And I don't think that following them will turn someone who wants a part-time relationship (thru Match.com) (ie, this guy) into one who wants a more serious relationship.  I think this arrangment is working just fine for him.  If it's not working for you, then I'd move on rather than trying strategies on him..

Sheri..

Comment #1

The Rules must have some strength, after all, the book sells well and is oft-quoted. .

But me, I guess I am too old, too confident, too jaded, too whatever, to pretend to be anything other than what I am.   For me, to count how many times some guy called before I call back would be sufficiently painful that between the first unanswered call and the last I would just give up the ghost and either never answer or never call back.  I mean, either I wan to talk to him or I don't.  If I do, I'll pick up the phone.  If I don't, I won't.   Well, actually, if I don't want to talk to him I'd probably still pick up the phone and explain politely that I think we should just be friends.  For me, I don't want a guy who would make it more complicated than that.  And at my age (47 yo now) weirdly enough I've managed to get interest and date using Match.com successfully without this silly gamesmanship..

What do I think you shoud do?  First, realize the advantage to having a relationship (thru Match.com) develop slowly.  It's only been 3 months, perhaps going slow is the right thing  for you too at this point.  Be pro-active here and again and get him to give you what you want.  Just be honest in how you feel and what you want and see how he responds.  Also, I'm not sure why you don't wnat him there every night when he doesn't have his son?  I have grown daughters, so forgive me for over-stepping, but can you set it up so that he can stay and your sons just understand?  That, letting him stay over on those weeks, would seem to get you much closer to where you want to be than a game of not calling..

That just my two cents.  For whatever it is worth.  : O..

Comment #2

I have not read The Rules, I dont read these types of books, in my own opinion I think they are down right silly.  But that is just me..

Your bf has a lot on his plate and I dont think you will get much more of his time that you already do..

If you want more I think you will have to look elsewhere..

 .

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Them with my guns..

Comment #3

 I've read "The Rules" and find that most of the principles in it are legit. When I was honing my skills to date using Match.com women and when I read this book, a lot of the rules guys are being taught are the same ones girls are being taught.

 IMO, if you're NOT having success with dating (online dating with Match.com) and you have NOT read or implemented 'the rules', I'd be willing to bet that if these 'rules' were applied, things would change.

 I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) my g/f for over a year now and there are things in the 'rule' book that I still use. I'm not thinking of this book when I use the things in it, it's just that the things in it, CREATE attraction. If the person interpreting the rules has a SOLID sense of themselves and have a high amount of esteem, the rules can actually SPARK a ton of attraction. I think that goes for both sexes.

 Again, common sense and having 'good judgment' goes a long way, as far as, using the rules. The Rules are VERY basic and fundamental. They can be tweaked up or down, depending on each person and the situation. That's why common sense and NON-NEEDINESS is a must..

 Just thought I'd share a tid bit from my world...

Comment #4

I'm sorry about your situation. I have to agree that the concept of The Rules is too rigid and a little bit silly. I also agree with the others who said that he has a lot going on right now and you're probably getting as much as he can give you. Three and a half months is a very short amount of time to say "I love you" - I presume that he doesn't really love YOU, he loves having a part-time girlfriend who does not demand much from him. If you want to be with this guy, you will have to give up the idea of being his #1 priority and spending as much time with him as you would like. That's just a caveat that comes with his life, not much he can do about it. Maybe he wants as much alone time as he can get, single military dads don't have too much of it.From what I've experienced, people don't change their lives around because you want them to - if they do it, it's because they want to...

Comment #5

I havent read The Rules so I really cant answer that question.  I dont think playing games or playing hard to get is the way to go. I think if you just have some of your own rules that you live by and dont compromise them you'll be okay...

Comment #6

Great question!.

I think that if the RULES worked, all of us would be in successful happy relationships.  But, not the case..

In fact, one of the things I have found is that men who are emotionally healthy tend to not fall for them.  I tried to play them with the guy I am seeing right now.  He called, and I didn't answer the phone so that he would 'miss me' or think I was busy having a life.  All that happened was that it delayed the opportunity to talk to him.  Not only that, but I felt very inauthentic for having done ignored the call..

One of the lessons I have learned recently is that slow does not mean that he is not interested in you.  I have had guys move very slowly in the beginning, and if I'm patient with their speed, the reward for my patience, shows up in time.  In the first few months, they might go 7 to 10 days between phone calls, then, when they are ready, they show up fully...

Comment #7

I have read "The Rules" and while I think they are a little excessive, there are some points worth thinking about.First, the idea of not making yourself totally available is, I think, good. You need to continue with your own life because who knows what will happen tomorrow? I do think some guys prefer "the chase" which to me means they want to be, in some fashion, in control. That doesn't mean control YOU, but they want to have control of the course of the relationship. So when we act like we want to control the course, we come off as needy and pushy...man runs for the hills.On the other hand, the Rules can be silly, too. Time frames for doing this, that, and the other thing are best left to the individual couple. And, I found, the mindset of the book is about "training" the man to fall head over heels with you, kind of like some corny 1950's mindset.I went out with a guy the other night ("met" on OLD) who thanked me for emailing first (TOTALLY AGAINST 'THE RULES') because, as he said, always being on 'the hunt' is exhausting, and he probably wound never have noticed my profile on his own.

Do what works for you.But if you at any time feel like you are being taken for granted this early on, it is time to stop and reevaluate if this is REALLY working for you or you just WANT it to work for you because being with someone is better than being alone...

Comment #8

Thanks all for your feedback..

Well, tomorrow is the first night his schedule is free enough to see me in two plus weeks, so I'm waiting to see if I pop up to the top of his "to do" list.  If he asks to see me, we'll talk.  If he doesn't, we're over..

It's not the fact that he's busy that bothers me.  That I can accept.  Heck, I'm busy too!.

It's the fact that I'll ask him what he's up to sometimes when we're on the phone, and he won't be up to anything, but he's not opting to come see me.  He'll pick up the phone, but won't bother to pick his butt up or even ask me to meet him someplace or for me to come see him..

I haven't heard from him since last month, since he told me he figured I was ticked and needed some space.  I asked him if he had ever read "The Five Love Languages."  (Mine is quality time!)  He hadn't.  So I guess I'll know tomorrow if he's read the book or blown it, and our relationship, off...

Comment #9

I think what you have here is really a basical incompatiability. I'll share this recent story from my life:.

I dated a man who is in the reserves about 4 years ago. Long and short, we dated only briefly but (and with some issues here and there) remained friends and went out as such now and again. This summer while out with a group, he asked me to marry him before he gets deployed next spring.  Talk about shocker. He wanted to 'take care of me" That was a nice gesture but not a good reason to get married and I said as much. Then he said 'I've been in love with you for 4 years but just too stupid to realize it"  ok.....because of the setting, we didn't discuss it further.

He was out of the country to visit his mother in Germany for 3 weeks and was to have called when he returned. 8 days after his scheduled return, I got  a text from him asking to see me - well, yes, we needed to finish that conversation. Then 3 days after that, he called to cancel telling me that he had had gall bladder surgery and wasn't feeling well. HUH? he had major surgery but didn't call the woman he's 'in love with' to let her know?  Ok........So we actually had a full conversation the next day - and by this time, I was remembering the reasons why he and I have had issues before - he is VERY detached emotionally and in the past has allowed weeks to go by without calling. (he asked several times how could he see more of me - and I told him each time - you have to call me)  Teh marriage thing was not mentioned by him. And I was sort of waiting to see if he would bring it up - he asked me after all.

Anyhoo, he was to have called me the following day but didn't. This was Labor Day weekend and I haven't spoken to him since! He has made no effort to contact me! (I realized I wasn't in love with him and wanted to tell him this in person, however that has never happened since he has gone MIA. THIS is the thing I knew would be a problem - as it always has been - I'm independent and like some space - but this is too much space!).

My point to sharing this story is that even if he IS in love with me, I do not and have not ever felt LOVED by him because of the distance that he's kept there. I want and need true intimacy with a man not to be a long distance lover who lives down the street! We never had that intimacy - and in all honesty, I don't believe he is able to (for several reasons). He is a wonderful man - but I need more than he's shown himself willing to give. .

So - it could very well be that what you need to feel loved - time and attention - is not something he can provide. You have stated what you want and need - and it sounds like you are giving him time to deliver.

The question becomes - if he doesn't are you willing to move on in order to find it elsewhere?.

No 'rules' anywhere will make someone give and feel more than they have to give and feel. Be willing to put your needs first - it doesn't sound like he can meet them..

 .

Toni..

Comment #10

>>No 'rules' anywhere will make someone give and feel more than they have to give and feel.Extreme wisdom...

Comment #11

I'm also not a big fan of game playing. If you have to keep twisting yourself into a pretzel it's just way too uncomfortable a position to stay in for long!.

,..

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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