For how much money does cost?

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My first question is: For how much money does cost?.

My next question is: This is a long post. Sorry.  Summertime last year I posted about a man who I fell for.  He allegedly felt similarly towards me.  6 months later I can say that nothing ever materialized..

Just remember that a man who loves you will let nothing...and I mean nothing...stand in his way or his love.  And if he gives you excuses...for any reason...over anything...he doesnt love you and you dont love yourself if you accept his excuses..

I am, unfortunately, the victim of a horrible crime that will hopefully result in people being put in jail.  I reached out to him because I felt wonderful feelings inside for him. I'm sure you are all thinking that it was a bad time to fall in love, and I agree.  Technically we would never have ever met or encountered each other but somehow things still happened to put our faces in front of each other.  Technically we should have met after I put some bad guys in jail and then I would have fallen for him afterwards.  But...I always questioned this type of situation in the format of "but what would you have done if we did meet, if we did date?  would you have still hurt me for them?"  The answer in regards to this man is "yes", he did hurt me because 1)he wanted to, 2)he was paid to, 3)he is on some sicko mission in life to care about everyone who dont care about him (like his buddies...the women who counseled him on me...purposely he'd blow it with me - but he'll dysfunctionally stick by them because that is what feels familiar and comfortable)..

This man talked about me all the time to people about how much I meant to him, but when it was time to fish or cut bait .. he cut.  I called him on his bluff and I got to see that I meant nothing to him.  Maybe he was in love with love.  Maybe it was nice for him to fantasize about someone who he knew he'd never date using and he was able to use it to block himself from becoming emotionally available to other women..

He publicly humiliated me one day in a way that speaks volumes about his self interests and maturity.  After he suckerpunched me that day he continued on his way to another event, another time, to try to hurt me.  I made sure he knew that if he wanted to be with me he owed me a public apology.  If he doesnt care for me ...then he owes me nothing. And we both just move on with our lives, never dating, never being friends, never knowing each other anymore. .

I dont regret telling him to bug off that day in September and letting him know that I expected an apology for disrespecting me and my feelings for him.  I wouldnt have done anything like that to him or any man or any person (for any reason or any sum of what he did to me)...but...if I was out of line or disrespectful I would certainly want to offer an apology..

Maybe he hates women.  Who knows?  I'll never know and it really doesnt matter if I know.  I dont need to know the "whys" to move on and reconcile my feelings.  You see, he has a "role" to play in this world and I dont.  He refuses to step out of his "character" in his dealings with me - that is a huge mistake on his part and it sounds a little psychotic if you ask me.  He doesnt accept the reality that I am not a participant in a sick game that he and a bunch of people decided to play with each other's lives.  He was told I was a participant.  I am not a participant.  I was never approached with this...I guess I was always their victim.  He was paid to use and abuse me and screw my head up and leave me feeling rejected.  I didnt know this years ago when he made the deal and I wasnt aware of this when I fell for him - obviously.  Believe it or not, men will prostitute themselves for money too..

We come from two different worlds and those worlds collided.  He must have fell for the woman who he was told I was...instead of who I really am.  In that case, we are both better off without each other.  He was told I was a scammer and a con artist and a thief (none of which is true) ...and if that is who he wants in life...scum..there is plenty to chose from out there. .

Maybe he thought he could just start over (regardless of his behavior) and we could let bygones be bygones...because I would feel dejected and desperate and  he has selfish needs and money interests and I guess I just get in the way right now. .

Unfortunately for everyone ... everyone is stuck with this Linda, the Linda that got abused.  There is no other Linda.  I dont get to step out of an imaginary abused "role" and then morph into the real Linda....I AM the real Linda.  I have no imaginary role, character or world to live it seems he does.  When someone hurts me, they hurt ME, not a roleplayer or an actress in her role or part or anything like that...everything is personal and everything affects me for real..

I needed him to be human and hold my hand for a bit and provide me with some love and support - maybe offer a little hope to keep me going (we all need that dont we?)...he refused to do this for me and to this day still refuses to do it.  He has excuses...I'm not interested in his excuses.  I need someone who wants to do that for me, as I would do for him.  And dont you know it?  He's the type of guy who pisses and moans about not ever finding a quality woman who he can love and be friends with...and when bestowed with that love..just tosses over his shoulder and says "too bad.  she has sh*tty timing"..

Eventually I will put the bad guys in jail and then it will be much safer for me to date using again...not being stalked, harassed, and vandalized.  I will date..with or without him.  I will not wait for this man because maybe he decided that I am not right for him.  And he has every right to feel this way.  I dont hang around where I'm not wanted so I dont get swept up in the cycle where the woman gets crazed and calls and cries and writes and tries to get the guy to like her.  I also dont stalk or harass. I dont behave this way..

I saw my mother this morning and she cried over this.  She actually cried and she said I suffered too much because of this man.  I told her to not worry about me and that I will date using again.  I told her that eventually my heart catches up with my mind and my mind always wins.  I told her that she should not want her daughter to date using a man who causes her such suffering and misery.  She finally agreed and now finally sees him how I see him.  Now I'm pissed he made her cry..

 I will meet men who will be interested in me one day again..

Just remember that words and actions need to match otherwise the words are not sincere...

Comments (5)

Your question was: For how much money does cost?.

Thank you for sharing your cautionary tale. I wish you all the best of luck in the future..


Comment #1

Thanks Sherry.  I could use some luck right about now, but luck only gets you so far in life..

I need a huge break so that the police actually do their job and treat my case with seriousness instead of ambivalencee..

As far as my heart goes...I fell in love with this man and I still love him but his needs seem to come first right now instead of my needs.   And I'm the one going through a horrible life experience...he is not going through what I am going through.  I'm going to have to accept that this world shifted on me many years ago and I will respond in kind to that shift with shifting how I treat people as well.  While I understand that his needs come first I'm bummed that romance wasnt on top of list of priorities and needs.  I like being #1 - who doesnt?  His needs coming first is aggravating enough, but when those needs include behaviors that destroying any trust or desire to trust...that's bad..

Like, instead of trusting me (someone who loves him and wouldnt have done anything to hurt him) he trusts people who he should not trust with any information about me or his feelings for me.  It may help him at the moment to discuss what is bothering him...but he is picking the wrong people.  Those people are funneling that info back to his exes...who are, in turn, trying to make sure that I feel like dung.  This is happening with more than one ex-girlfriend or ex-spokesperson or ex-roll in the hay...he sure knows how to pick them.  I wouldnt do that to any woman regardless of my feelings for the man - like they have sour grapes oozing from them or that they are not over the breakup with him - regardless of their facade.  That is so tacky and "passe."  it's time for women to grow up and stop wanting to emulate men in bad behavior (dog eat dog) - that is being a female chauvanist.  It is not equal rights to want to emulate bad behavior that men get away's stupid and classless.  A move forward would be to take those men who do behave poorly and to isolate from female love and companionship so that they grow up..

It's almost like he thinks that he can win my heart back like in the movies so he may feel he can behave any which way he wants...he'll explain himself later.  That is not how life or romance works.  He could be waiting for the perfect time...but there is never a perfect time for anything in life.  Anything that is worth anything at worth doing "poorly".  But...I can understand strategy because I have had to put off doing things due to the right time not being presented to me.  But...if he would have just given me a just a moment...a small moment...I wouldnt have messed it all up.  He knows that the bad guys who are victimizing me would have interfered with any romance...but if he just would have told me he was "there" - and that is all - they couldnt have interfered with it.  But I guess he also doesnt have faith in me - which hurts a great deal.  I have said terrible things about him because of the pain he put me through.  I am not sorry for getting angry and hurt.  I feel justified in my feelings.  I vented on this board and to my mother.  I am entitled to that in life - an outlet.  I didnt want to hurt him with my words...I just wanted to be with him.  It all unraveled because he wont acknowledge me.  He operated under an assumption that I knew what he was up to or that I had knowledge about his plans...when I dont. .

Maybe he feels that my love is unconditional...another falsehood - no love is unconditional. People confuse unconditional love with commitment.  Another one that gets couples into trouble...that your mate can be all things to you...including your best friend. That is unrealistic.  Everyone in a relationship (thru jockies for their interests and to have things go their way...that's not being a best friend.  A best friend looks for a win-win and I see too much of the self-interest manuevers out there.  Love is very different than what Hallmark and Hollywood would have us believe..

I once saw someone very special in him.  I dont want to believe that I was wrong...

Comment #2

Thanks for the kind words and well wishes.  I do hope one day to meet a man with whom I can feel safe and someone with whom I can enjoy a friendship and lots of nooky .  After this horrible time period where I have been ambushed and subjected to violence and isolation...a peaceful future filled with love would be nice..

 Your bf posted that thread?  Have I told you lately that I think he needs to go?  How do you put up with him?  Dont you want to break up with him?..

Comment #3

It will happen, Linda. It just has to. You seem such a kind and warm soul that if anyone has good odds of finding a good and kind man, you will. You have been extremely strong to get through what you have, and you know what? With that kind of strength and determination to be well and continue with your life, you WILL recover and are going an amazing and special someone to share life and love - and nooky with, too, hehe ....I'm not sure exactly what happened in your instance - I was raped and beaten when I was 7 years old, only two people in my life know (my parents never found out). That garbage changes you big time on the surface, but what I found - if you survive it, you become that much stronger...that's the kinda stuff no one should ever have to go through....but somehow - we do, and life must go on.....!.

Edited 1/25/2008 9:08 pm ET by birdimp..

Comment #4

I cant believe you were beaten and raped at 7 and your parents didnt know?  Were you in the care of relatives or at a sleepaway camp?  That had to have been horrible.  Why did you not tell your parents?  they could have helped you.  At 7 the world is supposed to be a magical, special, safe place where anything is possible.  Your outlook on people had to shift because of that event..

My situation is pretty sick.  If you have ever seen the movie "The Game" with Michael Douglas and Sean Penn, then I can reference my life to Michael Douglas's character in the movie.  A group of people (mostly medical personnel) took over my life in the same fashion and have subjected me to a kind of imaginary world with scripts and roleplays and life and death games and vandalism.  All done to shake up my world because they decided FOR me that I should be living a different life - I guess helping them push throw bogus legistlation geared to benefit doctors and screw patients.  I was content with my life.  It wasnt the worst life and it wasnt the best life, but for the most part (besides love) things were okay and I was not wanting for anything.  But I like a simple life..

The problem is that someone lied about me way back in my childhood. This "game" is being played out on other women around the country and women have been institutionalized, raped, killed, burned, and beaten horribly. The lie was that I was a participant in this game when I never was.  I was never approached with the concept, plan, logistics or anything. everyday people talk to me as though i were a different person...or like I am "in role" if I ask what aisle the coffee is in...a supermarket clerk says, "oh the diapers...the diapers are in aisle 10".  I guess the lie includes me having children...I do not have children.  Talk about living in a time warp..

 The other problem is that I had a doctor who became obsessed with me during this horrible time...and he began the stalking, the vandalism and the it really is a twoprong crime that I have discussed at length with the sheriff's office.  Because I filed for a restraining order to protect me from the doctor...the violence against me and my property heightened.  Somehow some sort of myth surrounded this "dungeons and dragons" like game in my life and somehow people started to regard me as a thing to *own*...I guess because of the lies. Someone lied about what I would do for money and how I could make everyone money by being a conwoman.  No one did their homework and everyone in my life fell for this b.s.  I know it sounds surreal...and if I were not the central victim of a worldwide crime (think sex slavery, Natalie Holloway,  violence against women in Africa and the middle east, think child abductions, think about the crazy, bloody assaults going way back to Charles Manson)...I wouldnt believe me either..

So many lies were told about my past lives (including queens, messenger of god, inventors)...that big business in America got in on the deal. Who knows if we even have past lives?  No one has the ability to know such things...even psychics.  The additional problem includes a coup of this country by neocons, corporatists and fascists.  This link will provide you with the originating coup during Franklin Roosevelt's era and nothing has really changed except that in order to get Americans on board with this crazy stunt, the guys in charge had to lie to everyone about how they were going to take over their lives.  Link to info on American coup "the business plot to overthrow Roosevelt":

According to these American traitors of this stunt  I am the central player .  I am not.  I couldnt understand how everyone knew about this happening in this country but me.  But then I realized that if I was who they said I was...then I'd know too much.  I would then be able to stop this craziness from actually manifesting itself.  So...I was always the "sacrificial lamb" unbeknowst to me.  But my early life was okay.  I was never subjected to being picked on by classmates, boys liked me, I was never raped or beaten by a man, I always had friends, I did well in school and did well at work. i have no addictions or personality disorders.   I got a master's degree after college and married my first husband during that time.  His last email to me included "Go Linda" because I am fighting so hard for this crime to be stopped for me and everyone inthe world.  I called everyone I have every known (or emailed them) and told them if anyone said I was involved in anything with doctors, or acting or singing thenitwas a lie and a fraud and if they could find any documents with my signature on forward it to I could use it to put them in jail.  And if they knew something...please help me and call the police..

I have had to put my house back together by myself.  LIke painting the exterior with nothing but a brush, staining my driveway back to normal color, installing whatever I could by myself that the bad guys ruined like door locks and weather stripping and fixing my grout all over the house by myself.  It seems that the persons who had the keys to my house (mysecond ex husband and his parents - to watch my cat when I went away for business) took the liberty of making sure my house got destroyed onthe inside too.  All of my appliances have been ruined, my window treatments,  they cracked my tiles, ruined my kitchen cabinets by splattering some orange/yellow stuff inside,  they smeared sticky yellow stuff all over my white walls and all over my appliances...not noticeable until you try to clean it.  They smeared something all over my that when you try to clean it with certain types of cleaners...all you get is greasy type smears - frustrating as all heck.  They put this all over my shower doors.  They put this all over my exterior gutters. The only thing that cuts the grease is a product called "Bam" the kitchen cleaner...sometimes it has to be used with Mr. Clean Magic how I had to clean the exterior of my gutters.  Over the last 3 to 4 years they have always ramped up the damage or the ease of cleaning so that I hire a pressure cleaner and he destroys my roof...causing leaks...but I manage to do most heavy duty maintenance myself.  they have destroyed my yard and plants and killed my trees.  they destroyed my lawn 3 times already...but since I have lived in this house for 12 years, I know my house, my property and no one is going to tell me b.s. so I make financial mistakes or misjudgments in hiring contractors..

Basically me, my life, my house, my car and my cat have been taken hostage by the coup organizers or doctors or both and they do not wish to let me go.  I wrote the governor of Florida and all of my district politicians about this and no one wants to help.  But then again, Jeb Bush is a neocon. A childhood friend who I spoke to a few years ago told me that it is health care that organizes gangs and criminal things down here in Florida.  I will put as many of them in jail, strip them of their medical licenses, and try to disbar the State Atty and get the Sheriff removed from office because they have denied me my victims' rights.  The rights are printed on the back of the police information forms.  I'm going to aim high because I have nothing to lose by doing so..

So...your question involves a complicated answer.  I know people will not believe all or part of my answer...that's okay.  When this country gets back to normal you can thank me later...

Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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