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Expressing Feelings In A Relationship

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So I've been with my bf for a little over a month now. We get along great with a bump or two maybe. He straight off the bat told me how he could see us lasting and could see a future with me. I've had a hard time responding to this because even though I really like him a lot, I 've been in a relationship (thru Match.com) or 2 that I thought was right, and it ended up not. I do want this to work, I really do! It's just hard to be so sure about something so quickly without being scared of being hurt, and I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying something like that so I usually just stay quiet. (which bothers him as it is like i'm holding something back).

But...I have, I have spent lots of time with guys before, so I can't say the same back to him. Know what I mean? I want to make him feel as good as he makes me feel with things he says...but I don't know what to say! Besides that I have a really hard time expressing my feelings...always have. If anyone has any advice on how to express feelings I'd appreciate it....because it hurts me that I have a hard time doing it. I've written him a poem expressing some feelings and read it to him...but I know he would want and likes to hear them come straight from me. Anyway, the other thing....he'll joke or mention stuff like marriage and kids and stuff like that...and I don't mind, I love the thought that we could have a future together and that he thinks of things like that with me.

I believe what he says is genuine so there can't be anything wrong with discussions like this so early right? Time shouldn't matter? I don't believe that time should matter but sometimes I feel like it should...i don't know why. So ill say something like "maybe it's to soon to talk about this"...and he'll be like "why what does it matter how long we've been together?" So does anyone think time does matter on what you discuss in a relationship? Just curious on other opinions. I have lots of questions in here and appreciate any thoughts. Thanks for your time everyone!..

Comments (6)

Your question was: Expressing Feelings In A Relationship.

Yes time does matter. You have only been dating (online dating with Match.com) him a little over a month. There is no way you and he can really know each other in that amount of time. Everyone is usually on their best behavior the first 4 months or so, then the true person finally starts showing. I see nothing wrong with talking about stuff like marriage and children in general terms at this stage, but to say he/she is the specific person for those issues is too early.If you have a hard time telling him your feelings that comes back to communication, which you have to have as part of a foundation for a successful relationship. You need to look inside yourself and find out why you have a hard time expressing feelings, and work to overcome that, even if it takes feelings about something little, start with that, the more you do it then the easier it might get.

Good luck...

Comment #1

I'm agreeing with you here. So now the question is how? Like I said, when bring up that we should take things slow, or maybe shouldn't be discussing certain things in depth yet...he questions why and gets a little defensive that time shouldn't matter if we are both into each other as much as we are. I know he's just really into the whole relationship (thru Match.com) thing so I can't blame him...some people can get like that, I was like that too until the last relationship (thru Match.com) I was in..things moved way to quickly and ended just as fast. I would bring that fact up to him but he's not so much into liking the idea of talking about me being with someone else in a relationship. So is there any subtle way I can go about it were he doesn't think it's anything specifically having to do with him?..

Comment #2

All you can do is tell him straight up use a lot of I statements, and hopefully he will get the picture. But if he can't or doesn't want to understand your side of it, then he might not be the one for you. Do what is right for you first and foremost. If he really is into you then he will listen and compromise...

Comment #3

If he really cares about you, he will be willing to move at a speed you are comfortable with and won't try and make you feel bad for having different needs than he does..

You can simply tell him that you think one month is too soon to tell what the future holds, but you like where the two of you are so far, and you are excited about your relationship (thru Match.com) and getting to know him better.  He should respect that and give you the room you need. Because you're right, it takes time to really know someone and relationships that start off fast can end just as quickly...

Comment #4

He's being very unrealistic to talk about things like marriage so early on in a relationshipthat's actually a big red flag, it very likely means he has a fantasy view of how relationships are supposed to be rather than one grounded in reality.How long you've been together does matter, because it takes time to really get to know someone. I honestly don't think that you even BEGIN to know whether someone is potentially right for you until you've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 4-6 months. So I would take everything he says with a BIG grain of salt and sprinkle in lots of "sounds great, we'll see's" along the way ;-).I like what ioveranalyze suggested as far as what to say to him, also.Sheri..

Comment #5

There are a number of things going on at once in your relationship. The other posters do make valid points.Issues#1 - you have been in serious relationships before. Based on what you have posted, he has not felt this way about another woman.#2 - because you have been disappointed in the past you look at relationships from a different perspective then when you were in your first serious relationship. He, based on what you have posted, is very enthusiastic right now about you and he together. Maybe this is how you were once with a man.#3 - in part, because of his enthusiasm he talks about the future and wants to know if you share similiar long term goals. You, on the other hand, being experienced in break ups with men you cared for, prefer a "wait and see" attitude.#4 - you feel awkward discussing how you feel inside about him to him.

You also can't respond back about things he is enthusiastic about, like spending time with you: in part, because you have experienced this with other men (like you mentioned) and because you saw that this, in the long run, was not indicative of happiness...may not see the big deal about it like he does.These issues have a lot to do with timing differences in romance. He has come to you later in life and has not experienced what you already have experienced.As far as you learning how to express yourself, you can start by writing him letters, not poems. You can start out with a short little note. It can be about just one thought you had about him while listening to a song on the radio or when you were working. Expressing yourself in letters will sound more like you are talking.

I know it is difficult to expose feelings. Since this guy appears to really like you then it should be a little easier to express yourself.Some men are in love with love so I can see Sheri's concern. Some men know what they are looking for in life and once they come into contact with a woman who possesses those traits or qualities, then they do not wish to hesitate in romance with that woman or play the field any longer. When a man meets a woman with whom he wants to share a future , especially if he is not in his 20's, sometimes he can barrel ahead without realizing that the woman is still in shock about what he did or said last week let alone that day...she needs time to catch up. And that is something you can discuss that may be a little different for you.

Be honest and genuine with him and he should be okay with giving you time to catch up to him. Make sure he understands that your behavior is based on the fact that you have experienced disappointment in relationships where you thought you made the right decisions...so you decided to take things slower in the future. This way he wont take it personally...

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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