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EHarmony versus Match (.com)?

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My first question is: EHarmony versus Match (.com)?.

My next question is: Hi all,I started dating (online dating with Match.com) Josh about a month ago. We have been friends since the beginning of the year, and because we were both in other relationships at the time there were no advances for something more. However, both of our relationships ended about a month later, and it was upon hanging out again that we both seemed to catch the spark. After a couple of months of increased contact and flirting, Josh finally made a move one night while I was at a party at his house; without saying anything, he just reached over and took my hand, and that was it. Since then things have been great and relaxed and very natural: we get along fabulously, share most of the same interests and get along with each other's friends (although I've met more of his at this point, along with his mother and brother). Now, Josh was recently engaged to a girl he'd been seeing for 5 years; they broke it off when she moved to Korea and remain friends.

He has even gone so far as to volunteer to pick me up and drive me home from his place, despite living 40 minutes away by car. The first time we slept together, he confessed that he was nervous about being with me, since I was the first person he had become involved with since splitting from his ex. Although we haven't had a conversation about where exactly things are going, his consistency in expressing desire to spend time with me and his affection towards me (which he openly displays around his friends and family) hasn't made this conversation seem strictly necessary, and I am happy to let things evolve organically.However, in the last week I've become a little confused. I should add here that Josh is an olympic athlete; he will be going to Beijing next month and travels quite a lot to officiate and compete at tournaments all over the world. For the last 2 weeks, he has been in another province for training and we have talked a few times by phone or MSN.

Obviously this made me pretty happy; but when I texted him a couple of days later to say that I would be free in the middle of the week if he wanted to hang out, he said he might be going camping with his brother and would let me know.He didn't let me know.Yesterday I left him a message asking what he was up to, and there was no response. While Josh has always been good about calling when he says he will, he is a little notorious amongst his friends for being bad at returning messages. I am trying to put things in perspective: if he is busy or off camping, his lack of contact shouldn't necessarily be taken personally. However, I am wondering what I should do from here if I do manage to get a hold of him in the next couple of days. Does anyone think I should broach the topic of where things are going, and what his expectations are? (I know guys hate this conversation, and to be honest I hate it too; I've never initiated it in a relationship.) Should I hold off on that conversation and just explain that I appreciate a call to either make or break plans, and with enough notice beforehand? (What is the best way to make this kind of request without seeming like a princess or a nag?) Does anyone see his sudden disappearing act as a bad sign, or that he's lost interest? Should I contact him again in a few days or just wait to hear from him? Obviously I am not going to put my life or my plans on hold to wait by the phone, but that doesn't mean I won't be thinking about it...Any advice would be much appreciated!..

Comments (12)

Your question was: EHarmony versus Match (.com)?.

Since he has been out of town and potentially traveling back home and it's been about 24 hours since your message to him - I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he has lost interest in you or disappeared on you..

Understand that his #1 priority right now is being fully prepared for Beijing.  This does not mean that you are not important but this is a very significant event in his life in which he has invested years to achieve..

Can you be supportive of that and hold off on any relationship (thru Match.com) talks until he is home and settled from Beijing?..

Comment #1

I agree. He is under alot of pressure right now. Be a supportive friend. That's best all around.

,..

Comment #2

I'm glad that my intuition about not having a relationship (thru Match.com) talk seems to be on the mark, because to be honest that was something I was hoping I wouldn't have to do... But I thought it might be necessary since I've never initiated that conversation before and figured I could have been missing something by avoiding it in the past. But good!However, being supportive of him before he goes away seems like a separate issue from trying to establish our expectations regarding communication. Do I have any desire to monopolize his time before Beijing, or put extra pressure on him? No, of course not. But that being said, in the past I've fallen into the trap of being WAY too accommodating of other people, to the point where the support is totally one-sided and all of my expectations remain unvoiced and therefore unsatisfied. This was something I was hoping to correct this time around, by letting Josh know what I appreciate in terms of communication.

Although he IS going to Beijing and pursuing a huge achievement, the reality of fencing in Canada is that is just isn't as strong as in other places like Europe... so with the exception of special training camps like the one Josh just finished, his preparation at home is limited to working out and doing yoga; the rest of the time he can pretty much go about his business. I'm totally happy to let him do that and it doesn't offend me that he is otherwise occupied, it really doesn't... But in this instance would I be totally wrong in asking that he just let me know?..

Comment #3

I believe for him it's more psychological at this point, and his priorities will likely shift back when he returns.  It'll be hard for you, but giving him space now should pay dividends multifold when he returns.  If he's victorious, he'll want someone he can intimately share in his happiness.  If he falls short of expectations, he'll want someone with whom he can drown his sorrows.  Either way, you win..

On a somewhat related note, I was supposed to hook up with a UFC fighter in Vegas last month - never heard back from him to confirm but I wasn't intimately involved so it was easy to let it go.  Turns out he was training hard for a fight, and he even missed a high-profile fight for a teammate.  Preparation is a professional athlete's #1 priority when everything is at stake..

 ..

Comment #4

<< But in this instance would I be totally wrong in asking that he just let me know? >>.

Actually, yah.  I think it would be..

Why?  a) You're not his GF.  There's  no 'obligation' to let you know.   You don't have that level of relationship (thru Match.com) established yet (at a month of dating) to require that (and I understand it's not a demand or requirement, per se ... I use the word 'require' for lack of better words ... but, I think you get what I mean?).

B) he came back into town early, told you he might be going camping.  So, he didn't call?  It was ONE TIME.  .

One time doesn't make a pattern ... and if I were on this receiving end of getting a "we need to communicate better" talk because I failed to call ONE TIME when I said I would ... honestly, I'd think you were a bit wacky for taking it into a discussion.  .

C) he told you he might be going camping.   Since you haven't heard from him, it's safe to surmise that he probably IS camping and simply can't reach you right now. .

I think you're blowing one failed phone call a bit out of proportion.

 ..

Comment #5

I am back, with an update and a new (old) dilemma.A week and a half went by before I heard from Josh again; I did the only thing I could think to do, which was to send him a neutral text saying, "I figure you've been out of town, but if you're available or want to get together sometime, give me a call." Didn't say anything else after that. I think I handled the situation well enough, letting him know I was expecting his call but without putting any pressure on him about it or his lack of communication.A couple of days later, he sent a text saying he just got back from camping and wanted to know what I was up to. I invited him out for a movie we both wanted to see that was playing the following night, which he didn't respond to, although when I texted him after the movie to say he would really enjoy the film when he saw it himself, he asked if I wanted to hang out the next day. We spent the weekend together, and he was lovely and attentive as ever. Since about three weeks had gone by since we had last seen each other, I was pleased when he sincerely said he was happy to see me after so long. We hung out with his brother and some of his friends for a little while - they all referred to us as "dating", too, which doesn't necessarily count for anything except that he still openly presents me as the girl he's seeing - and spent the rest of the time alone until I went home.

He informed me that he would be leaving for his family's cottage this weekend and coming back next Friday, but asked if I was available before then to hang out. We set plans for yesterday (Thursday) night, and I said I would give him a call during the day to confirm.Thursday rolls around. I call him in the afternoon and he doesn't pick up, so I leave him a message asking to call me back to let me know if our plans are still on. There's been no response even now, almost a full day later.Despite the fact that I have had personal anxiety about his horrible communication skills, I feel like I've been a champ about not putting pressure on him, either about expecting a certain amount of face time or showing disappointment when he doesn't call. I've let it slide up until now because I was prepared to accept that I might be overreacting to that one previously-missed call (see, I'm not frantic).

I still don't know what to do here, because I don't feel like he is showing a lot of respect for me or my time by failing to give me the courtesy of a heads-up when plans change, especially since I've made an equal effort to come see him, rather than expecting him to come here. I've resolved to tell him (casually, not in an angry way), if I do hear from him again, that I don't mind if plans change but tend to appreciate some notification of when they fall through. Personally, though, I am still wondering whether his behaviour is a symptom of a guy who isn't too interested in seeing me, or someone who is just being a bit flaky? I'm still in favour of doing whatever will allow me to assert my self-respect to him without infringing upon his freedom (especially with the Olympics coming up), but I don't think pretending to be happy about being stood up is ideal, either...

Comment #6

Yeah, I would just let this guy go.  He's showing you how he isdoes it really matter WHY?  He's obviously making time to do other things but can't even pick up the phone to let you know he's changed his plans.  NEXT!.

Sheri.

 ..

Comment #7

All I want to say to you is stop calling him and suggesting that you get together... let him pursue you... in the meantime; keep yourself really really busy and try not to think of him.  Then, when and if he calls you, you will know that he is truly interested..

I never ever ask a guy out even after we've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for a while;  I've gone out with a guy for about a month now and have not phoned him or asked him out and I won't because I want to know for sure that he is interested in me.  If he doesn't ask me out; well then I have my answer... and so will you..

Good luck and keep us posted...

Comment #8

I think you should move on.  This guy is just not that into you and seems to want something much more casual than you do.  Don't call him or confront him or tell him what you want - by his actions, it's obvious he doesn't want what you want (with you) and telling him off will leave a much worse taste in your mouth than silently withdrawing and letting him draw his own conclusions.  .

Coolas..

Comment #9

Hi -.

It seems clear that this guy likes you.  From there it could lead to any number of outcomes.  He could just want a rebound or a friend or even a girlfriend.  You will just have to wait and see. .

I would not ask him where the relationship (thru Match.com) is headed.  I would instead interpret his actions.  If he did not call then he did not want to get together.  It seems like he has a lot going on and may have his attention directed toward other places in his life..

I think the best thing you can do is be a good friend.  You can flirt with him and let him know that you like him or tell him you like him, but definitely do not wait around for him..

I understand that this is really hard to do because you still think about him a lot.  I am in a similar situation and I do think about the guy I dig alot too, but you have to keep going forward and live your fantastic life.  Have fun and enjoy it.

Good luck!!!..

Comment #10

All the way until the end there, where you talk about being stood up on a Thursday, I was thinking, this guy, he sounds like he's really into her but he's not into a serious relationship. .

When you're together you got along great, but he drew out the time between get togethers, because he was being casual.  Initially I was going to suggest that there are only three options, really, at this stage of the dating, if you want more.  Give up and move on is one option.  But the thing about that is, move to what?  Another guy with his own set of issues?  Another relationship (thru Match.com) with it's own bumps in the road?  If this guy was into you but still casual, if you're still in the early stages where you don't really know what's there in the future, maybe just hang in there and have some fun, if there's chemistry and no reason to hurry.  So, another option is to let things progress like you said organically.  And yes, it would be okay to call him.  Why?  Because at first the guy should pursue but once you have started dating, the guy should wants the girl he's pursuing to want him too.  So if a guy has asked a girl out several times and really likes her, he should care about whether or not she likes him too.  If she refuses to call him because she's thinking, he should pursue me, he may see this as a lack of interest.  What comes of that?  The third is to talk, although if you talk and it's too soon, be ready for him to voice what his actions have shown, that he sees this as a casual dating (online dating with Match.com) relationship.  So, I was going to suggest that of the three options, I think you should contact him so long as he continues to initiate a contact with you, and just relax and let it grow organically at this early stage.   .

But then I got to the Thursday night no-show.  That's just not acceptable.  It's one thing to keep it casual, it's an entirely different thing not to let you know that he couldn't follow up on plans that you have made.  So, don't call.  He needs to call you, apologize, and he needs to call you sooner rather than later.  If he doesn't call right away, or if he waffles, he's downshifted from casual to not-so-interested, and then it's time to move on. .

Good luck!.

 .

  ..

Comment #11

<< Personally, though, I am still wondering whether his behaviour is a symptom of a guy who isn't too interested in seeing me, or someone who is just being a bit flaky? >>.

Probably a combination of both.   As much as you probably don't want to hear it ... and as cliche as it is ... this sounds like a case of "he's just not that into you."    It does sound like he likes you ... but, if you keep pursuing this guy (and yes, you ARE pursuing ... you're initiating most of the contact) ... you will likely just end up feel bad and resenting the whole "see you when I see you" thing ...

Seeing you on his time, his terms. .

When a guy is relationship-minded ... he will actually make time to see you.   This guy isn't doing that.  You're just dating (online dating with Match.com) when it's convenient for him.  Which points squarely to him not being in the right place/time for a relationship.  This would be a perfect situation for someone who doesn't want anything more than "see you when I see you" ... but, it doesn't sound like you're that woman. .

And yes ... he can like you and enjoy your company but NOT want a relationship (thru Match.com) with you.   That's what it sounds like to me.

I'd cut my losses at this point.  Its not going to be a very fulfilling thing for you if you continue...

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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