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Dumped or duped?

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I was very recently dating (online dating with Match.com) a man who was pretty close to perfect, by far the greatest guy in every way that I've ever dated. However, earlier this week I noticed a significant change in him and new what was coming. His aunt passed away recently and the funeral was Monday this week. He said that it's made him start to re-evaluate his life and he's realized that he's got too many things on his plate which could very well be true and that he doesn't have time for dating (online dating with Match.com) right now. After all, he does have a few business ventures on the go that he's pushed aside over the last little while and business partners are beginning to get antsy - this is something I was aware of before the dumping. Even still, when I hear the words "too busy" I tend to jump to the conclusion that he's just not interested anymore and that situation I can understand somewhat.

I told him that I didn't see a point in that really since his situation wasn't likely going to change in a week. He thought for a few moments and then said that I've presumed to know him and what's going on in his life. To be fair, I don't know him that well just yet as we'd only been dating (online dating with Match.com) about 3 weeks. I realized in retrospect that one of his work contracts is coming to a close - the one that he's been to every day over the last month or so, so perhaps that's why he was suggesting that we have another conversation in a week's time. About 20 minutes after I got home, he text messaged me and said "I'm sorry to have upset you.

I would like to keep in touch." I told him that I would be ok and that I was open to keeping in touch but that he'd have to be the one to take those steps. He replied with "That's fair".I suppose my question is this.is it really always that when someone is "too busy" they're simply not interested OR are there some rare cases where they simply just have too many things going on right now? And what would his motive behind keeping in touch and suggesting a followup conversation in a week? I've never heard those two before so I'm not quite certain as to how I should go about processing them. On a side note: He is by far the best guy that I've ever dated. He's emotionally stable, financially stable, responsible, and extremely considerate and sweet. He's always treated me with the utmost respect and has been the first and only man that I've dated to make me realize that I deserve that.

Even though he's chosen not to see me anymore, he's the first man that I've not felt anger with for that, only sadness. I now realize that I deserve to be with someone amazing. If it's not him, then it will surely be someone just as amazing or perhaps even more so. So for that, I am truly thankful...

Comments (4)

Your question was: Dumped or duped?.

I think you handled this very well. But I do understand how disappointing that is..

It's always been hard for me, personally, to understand the "I'm just too busy to date using Match.com right now" reasoning, since I am the kind of person that if I really think I like someone, I will make the time. But it could be that what he's telling you is precisely the case, and he's being honest about it by communicating that. We all do go through times where things happen and suddenly we're hit with a lot of emotions that can make us feel not up to the task of getting to know someone..

The fact is, after three weeks of dating, you know very, very little about this person. It's great that he treated you well and that you experienced him as being a truly wonderful guy. But he may not be worthy of all the praise you're giving him ... it's just too soon to know at three weeks!.

And at any rate, you deserve someone who will make time for you because you're worth it! I think you're right to be grateful for the experience, but to move on..

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Comment #1

Some guys mean what they say and some dont.  Only he knows for sure if what he told you is the truth..

You mentioned that he is many of the things you admire in a man...except he is not emotionally available ...for whatever reason.  Maybe he is evaluating his life, maybe it is work, maybe he doenst have it in him to *give* to someone emotionally or maybe he doenst *need* love the way other people need love and a relationship (thru Match.com) to him is kind of a luxury something he likes to dip into every now and then..

It is great that he is honest with you so that you can walk away without anger..

The only thing you can count on with a guy...is that if he really wants something he will move heaven and earth to obtain it.  So if this guy *really* wanted love...he wouldnt have let it go.  It probably is not about you...more about the obligations and expectations associated with relationships and he doesnt wish to expend himself this way right now.  It could be perceived as cold...or detached..or ambivalent.  Or..he just knows his schedule right now and it doesnt leave any room for you...and if he tried to romance you it wouldn't work and then you'd be angry.  However..that also means that the business he is about to engage in...means more to him than a relationship.  So...I dont know if you want a guy who doesnt see life from the vantage point of love and passion being a priority in his life.  Because this guy doesnt appear to see love as a priority...which means it could turn on you down the road again.  Just food for thought...

Comment #2

Thanks so much for your responses. He has emailed me since then to say hello, that he hopes I'm well sort of thing. He didn't mention wanting to talk or see me again though which was a little disappointing but perhaps it's a start. In the meantime, I've decided to go on other dates and to not sit around waiting because quite frankly, the chance of someone becoming not busy and deciding to pick things back up again is slim to none. I've also realized that even if he DID want to start again, I wouldn't be able to go back into things carefree and fun like it was before. I'd always be worried that he's going to want "space" again so I'd need to move at a much slower pace anyway to avoid getting hurt again...

Comment #3

I see he wishes to keep in touch during this "off" time.   What an idiot, sorry, no offense meant to you..

"I'd always be worried that he's going to want "space" again so I'd need to move at a much slower pace anyway to avoid getting hurt again."> you can avoid this problem by communicating to him that you would prefer "no contact" unless he knows for sure that he doesnt need any space for any kind of business deals or emotional life shifts.  This way if he contacts you, you confirm that he is in the right place to rekindle a romance with no sudden change of heart about time he can devote..

"I've also realized that even if he DID want to start again, I wouldn't be able to go back into things carefree and fun like it was before."> I am the same way.  Generally things should go well from the start..if they dont...it sucks the fun and romance right out of a relationship (thru Match.com) and before you know it...you want to rip his heart out, hehe. ..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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