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Does MATCH.COM work?

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My first question is: Does MATCH.COM work?.

My next question is: Hi,.

In September, I met a much younger man on a dating (online dating with Match.com) site more geared towards "hooking up," because I was not ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) after breaking up with my boyfriend last June.   Since that time, we have seen each other several times.  Then, a couple of weeks ago, we spent an entire weekend together. .

It seems to me that the relationship (thru Match.com) has moved from the strictly physical arena to a "gray" area.  He admitted to me that I was the only one he was having sex with since we first met.  I, however, can't admit to the same thing.  We both acknowledge that it is more than  sex.  We both acknowledge that we really like each other, enjoy each other's company and like being with each other.  He even told his mother about me, and I told my best friend about him..

Last week, he was working out of town.  He and I got into a spat when he called because he wanted to know if I was seeing other people while he was gone.  I skirted the question by telling him that I am "black and white" when it comes to relationships.  You either are in one or not.  If not, then he is not entitled to ask me that question.  So, he said "talk to you later" and I said "bye" and I hung up.  I thought that was that..

A couple of days ago, he called and was uncharecteristically emotional.  He told me it would hurt his feelings if I did have sex with anyone else or saw anyone else.   Good or bad, I lied and told him that I did not do either of those things.  Then, I reiterated what I said before.  He told me had not been in a relationship (thru Match.com) in a long time and was afraid of getting hurt.   Well I am too after my break up in June.  Plus, I have a young child to think about.   He has some trust issues with me because he has seen me in the chat room of that site where we met, and seen men flirting with me.  He knows men find me attractive..

I am willing to take my time to see where this goes and to stay off that site for a while, although I won't put my dating (online dating with Match.com) life on hold indefinitely while he makes up his mind.  What would be a reasonable amount of time? .

Any thoughts on any of this?..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Does MATCH.COM work?.

I think that above all, you need to be honest with him.  I have found for myself that if I don't feel comfortable being honest with the other person or feel the urge to lie, then it's probably not a relationship (thru Match.com) that's good for me to be in.  I don't know if that resonates with you at all but I just throw it out for your consideration..

If you're not willing to commit to being exclusive and/or monogamous (to me, exclusive means you're not going out on dates with anyone else; monogamous means you're not having sex with anyone else) with him, tell him that.  If you would be willing if certain boundaries are met, then tell him that and what they are (for example, you might let him know that you'd be willing to be exclusive and/or monogamous if he sincerely sees the possibility of the two of you having a more serious relationship (thru Match.com) in the not so distant futureif that's something that is holding you back from being exclusive/monogamous with him.  Without knowing what's holding you back, it's hard to give examples.)..

What would you be waiting to see if you were to be exclusive/monogamous with him per the end of your post?  I don't think you can determine what would be a reasonable amount of time unless you're clear on what it is that you want to see from him.  What is it that you want him to make up his mind about?.

Sheri..

Comment #1

Hi,.

Thanks for your response.  I think he is conflicted because he was hurt before and because of the way we met.  I think if I stayed off that site for a while (I am pretty sure he checks to see if I am on), and took down that profile, it might make him feel more secure about coming right out and telling me what he wants. .

Bunny..

Comment #2

Have you asked him?  It could be in the context of saying something like, I'm reluctant to commit to exclusivity with you because you told me early on you weren't looking for a relationship, has something changed (or whatever is appropriate to your specific situation)..

Sheri.

 ..

Comment #3

"(to me, exclusive means you're not going out on dates with anyone else; monogamous means you're not having sex with anyone else)".

This is interesting because I had always felt that exclusive meant monogamous.  I didnt know there could be another point of view on that...thanks...

Comment #4

It sounds like he got in over his head and now he would like to change the rules a bit.  If you do not reciprocate his feelings then you just need to tell him because eventually he will become more trouble than he is worth to you...

Comment #5

Oh, yeah, I learned that the hard way!  Now any discussion of exclusivity that I have includes a discussion of what we each mean by that because different people define the term differently and assuming we have the same definition has gotten me into trouble..

Sheri..

Comment #6

Hi,.

I am willing to give this a chance.  I do reciprocate his feelings.  Since I first posted my message, we have been calling each other to say good night or say "hi."  We are planning to see each other this week.  Give how we met, I think we need to build some more trust in each other  before having a frank discussion about exclusivity..

Bunny..

Comment #7

I see.  I wasnt sure if you reciprocated his feelings.  Good luck!..

Comment #8

I think part of why there are so many relationship (thru Match.com) problems in our society is because you have people who after the first week of knowing each other they have found the love of their lives. Then on the other end of the spectrum, you have the people who have been together for years and are engaged, but think it is okay to still play the field until they are actually married, and those people are just as bad. The problem in both cases is that people have an all or nothing view to relationships. Relationships aren't just black and white though. There ARE different levels to relationships. Being with your first boyfriend or girlfriend in high school for one week is very different from being married to somebody for 30 years.You are acting as though by agreeing to stop seeing other people you are committing your life to him.

It's agreeing you'll stop seeing other people for NOW. Any time you want to change your mind, all you'd have to do is tell him and you'd be completely free the next night.It's true that you don't want to jump into a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with somebody before you trust them. But you also can't trust them without having any type of commitment from them. Why would he feel comfortably opening up your feelings to you and trusting you knowing that you are sleeping with other people and that you might be telling other guys something completely different while you are in bed with them. Also, why SHOULD he trust you when you have just admitted to lying him? Do you really think you are going to be able to build any level of trust while being dishonest with each other? If you still think he may be player after all this time, then I would say to forget about him.

That is not asking for much at all. If you can't even agree to that, then I don't see how the trust between the two of you is ever going to grow any further...

Comment #9

You need to be honest and not make any sort of commitment due to feeling pressured.  If you are willing to give it time, then fine.  But make sure you're on the same page and doing or not doing things because it feels right to you..

 .

If he's seen you in the chat room that means he's been there too..

 .

,..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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