Does work and what is your experiences?

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My first question is: Does work and what is your experiences?.

My next question is: I very recently ended a relationship (thru of almost 2 years, and I am in deep regret and mourning.

It was a decision that I made from logic, and not emotion. I knew it was what I needed to do, but I didn't completely want to. I easily ended a relationship (thru in the past and it felt nothing compared to this..

As a young boy, his parents left him with other family and their relationship (thru has been severed since. When he was old enough to travel alone, he came to North America, and lived on-and-off-again between his parents homes, never building a relationship (thru with either of them. Now, as a grown man, he has deep resentment against most of his family, particularly his parents. His conceptions of loyalty, trust, commitement and love are completely different from anything I've ever dealt with. He reminds me often that he's alone, and doesn't really have anyone - referring to me as the most consistent thing in his life.  .

I loved him because of his intelligence and his potential to be a great person. But what materialized in the relationship (thru was difficult to bear. A handful of things that went down were:.

He went to weddings and did not invite me (brought other women friends).

Didn't seem to want to display our relationship (thru in public - either would never attend with me, invite me, or wouldn't stay by my side..

Mocked my feelings.

Didn't communicate well with me, scoffed at me a lot..

Disliked my friends.

Didn't treat me nicely.

But he wanted to save the relationship. Even though he realized it was hard, because of his past, he believed that if there was 'love' that you just stay, period. (Hence, he must believe that his family didn't love him). I voiced my disapproval with this, so he suggested that we think of some specific things to ask of the other person - then after a period of time we'd evaluate our success in meeting the other persons needs - but before we could exercise this, he dissapointed me again, and I just left.

I'm feeling terrible because he was really trying. It was so obvious that he was trying, but I was just so fed up, and I didn't have faith in our relationship.

At the same time, I feel as though I have caused yet another blow to his self-esteem. He did not have self-love and he knew it. I've only worsened the abandonment issues he already had, and knowing this is killing me; knowing that I did this to another human being that I loved. I feel failure that I wasn't stong enough to love him though his issues. But he couldn't keep me happy because he didn't have the first idea of how to acheive happiness for himself..

What I'm asking you for is simply reassurance that I did the right thing by leaving..

And are there ways that I can be kinder to my heart in getting over this? I know it's going to be a long tearful road to recovery, but the heartache really does suck..

Thank you for reading..


Comments (6)

Your question was: Does work and what is your experiences?.

Sugarbaby_gal, you can't possibly know how dead-on your reply was. Again, this was something I desperately needed to read/hear.

The personal events you described are so incredibly similar to what I've experienced, and I mean almost everything..... that I'm sitting here amazed at the parralels.

Thank you so much for your detailed, thorough and thoughful reply. I think I'll be refering back to it when I hit my low-lows.

Thank you. :')..

Comment #1

Good luck mahoganybliss - doesnt it suck that good women get treated like crap?.

I already told my guy that I really dont feel he deserves another chance after how crappy I have been treated.  I gave him a second chance in January and he blew it in February. Obviously he wasnt telling the truth that he was "devastated" in November when I broke things off on October 30th.  If he were that devastated he wouldnt have done what he did on the 14th and 21st of February.  Too horrible for words.  He said he cried about the 21st - oh yeah?  Did he cry for himself or cry because he hurt me?  That doesnt move me too much cuz he was so "devastated" in November.  Yeah...right.  There was no excuse for what he did on the 21st - except to backstab me and make me out to be a fool.  We'll see who the fool is. .

The woman who was hanging all over him on the 21st has recently had a string of "bad luck" - such a SHAME.  Couldnt happen to a nicer psychotic tramp.  As a result of what happened she has received a total of THREE complaints about her behavior on the job - being unprofessional and hanging all over men and right in front of their wives/gfs.  Not only is she disrespectful, but she is also stupid.  My guy asked what he could do to rectify the situation and I told him to write her boss with the same type of complaint. He said he would do it and I told him I wanted proof of that and the boss's reply.  Some people use their jobs to "hook up" instead of bettering their lives and this woman is just into the hook up scene and desperately needy and pathetic to put men in an awkward situation and cornering them and making them feel uncomfortable - like sexual harassment. And since she is psycho and reads into any kind word - she feels all men want her and all men want to go to bed with her etc. I'm sure some sort of mental disorder contributes to this.  What is nice is that not only are her coworkers and "clients" voicing their displeasure with are her friends.  It seems as though the "whole world" has turned against her.  Couldnt happen to a more appropriate LOSER.  That's what you get for not telling people you have VD when you sleep with them..

He wants a real second chance he said and he has "great news" to tell me .. if I let him.  I am willing to hear him out but I dont know what he can do to change my mind.  He may go over the top with his apology or great initial treatment to get me back.. but all that tells me is that he knows he screwed up and the bigger and more over the top a guy gets...USUALLY.. the more he knows he screwed up. It doesnt mean that he loves me. .

I could not see marrying him and that WAS what he said he wanted.  I could not trust a man with my mind, heart and body who was so reckless with all of that to begin with.  I dont feel we share the same values and approach romantic relationships the same way.  All the things that hurt me were things he could have EASILY protected me from and SHOULD have protected me from and he CHOSE to not do that I feel out of cowardice, convenience and greed..

I feel that if I entrust my life to him he'll only turn on me again and maybe like in 5 years - not so early on. ANd then what do I do? Cuz he wouldnt let me divorce him so fast. And because of his maltreatment and his persistence I am way too scared to marry him now. He is upset that I dont think of him like I used to. Why would I bother thinking about someone who only hurts me all the time?..

Comment #2

You got great advise from the others, but I am going to add my 2c anyway.  Hating his family is no excuse for his behavior.  You or no one else can fix him.  He has to do it himself, even with counseling, the counselor is just a guide.  He does not want to be fixed or he would..

You did the right thing and you did not cause any additional damage to him, mainly because I dont think he really cared all that much or he would have never treated you so disrespectfully..

Now take time out for you to go through the grieving/healing process and then go find a good man to love and respect you..


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Comment #3

Reading your replies are almost frightening. You wouldn't believe how similar the men we deal with are. The parallels are crazy.

I mean, your advice is so much help because it speaks to me very deep - I dealt with almost everything you've metioned. And then there are the creepy similarities (On Feb 21st, mine decided to go skiing for my birthday instead of coming out with my friends and I for dinner...).

Thank you for the well wishes, I hope the same to you...

Comment #4

Thank you yankee-c-sc!.

Surprisingly, I'm doing a lot better already! I guess it's a combination of all these great replies and great friends. I know I may 'replapse', but at the moment, I'm in a great place..

Thanks again to all...

Comment #5

I cant believe he wasnt with you for your birthday!!  What did you do?  What did you say?  What was his excuse?  I hope you dont plan to go out of your way for his birthday..

The guy I have posted about doesnt want to give up but I dont understand what exactly he is trying to "save".  I have to fight too much and too hard to get respect from him so I feel that the relationship (thru is no good.  If he wanted "this" that bad he'd make sure not to screw things up.  His financial "obligations" cause some of the problem but the bottom line is *him* - he chooses to do what he does and then wants to blame someone else for the problem - including his financial obligations.  He had everything "planned out" - well since I wasnt part of whatever it was that he planned in reality...he should have amended his plans to include the reality of me wanting to be with him - for real.  And then he took it and smashed it to bits. .

He never did what I wanted most - a small gesture that I needed to see if he was for real with me - and he never did it so I can only assume that all of his efforts were just game playing or role playing .. whatever people call it these days.  I wanted him to break from his pack, turn his back on his "role", and be for real with me - then I could have used that to hold onto emotionally during this time that he was worth waiting for because he wouldnt betray me or  a commitment to us..

He has an entire list of things that he needs to correct so that I could feel comfortable with him again - I see that as a terrible sign of things to come with him and he just doesnt see it that way.  I cant be in a relationship (thru that has constant battles or me constantly struggling with him on basic values issues..

I was so excited once about him and about the possibilities about us and I've just tucked him away somewhere in my mind and heart - accepting that it just isnt going to work between us.  I dont feel we are compatible..

I'm sure we will see each other some time over the next coming months and I dont know what to say to him that I havent already said.  It will be sad to see him because of what could have been between us.  I'm not sure he should want to be with me because he is not going to be getting the woman he had in May of last year - someone who was more trusting and openhearted and more loving.  He seems to think he can perform miracles and bring all of that back - I just dont know how he intends on doing that after everything he has done to hurt me.  He played games and that is a dealbreaker for me because a relationship (thru that includes game playing is just not an honest, solid, reliable relationship (thru and I dont it any other way...

Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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