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Does Match.com really work for men?

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My question is: Does Match.com really work for men?.

My 2nd question is: Where do I even start?.

I am 30 years old, and for some unknown reason, have not had luck in any way finding a partner..

I have tried everything - every online dating (online dating with Match.com) service you can think of, even paying close to $1,000 for a local dating (online dating with Match.com) service that I was a member of for over a year that did nothing for me.

All my life, since waaaay back when I was a little boy, I dreamed of growing up and getting married and having a family. I never, ever would have predicted during those times that I would still be single at 30 with love no where in site..

Here is what is sad. I have been out of high school now for 12 years. All of my high school friends are now married, and have been for years. All of the kids I played with on my street growing up, are now married, some with children, who are 4 and 5 years old. I have literally NO family members left who are single. That's right, all my cousins, step cousins, everyone in my family, are involved in a relationship (thru Match.com) of some kind.



I have looked everywhere, even going so far as to look up and call people "I have not talked to since I was in my single digit ages hoping SOMEONE out there might be a possible companion. They are all involved in relationships.

Recently, I was looking at the weddings and engagements section of the newspaper in my home town that I grew up in. You can see all of the listings from the past 5 years. I recently looked at the entire listings, and I just got depressed when I saw many of the names. Many of the names I saw were kids I knew when I was 12 or 13, who were only 5 or 6 years old when I knew them..

WHY is this happening to everyone but ME? I am so tired of seeing everyone ELSE go off living the life that I wanted, while I just sit here placed on the shelf. Imagine being this age and still single and seeing people 10 and 12 years younger than you getting out of high school and getting married. It's not an easy pill to swallow..

What ticks me off is that I consider myself a nice guy who would do everything I could to be loving to my family and take very good care of them. I have been a good person all my life, and considering the hand I've been dealt, I really should have been different..

When I turned 18 and left the house and went off tocollege, I was the "good kid" who didn't go out drinking and partying, causing trouble, and sleeping around, and I got made fun of constantly for not going out and "living it up". I took pride in the fact that I was not like them, and thought that one day I'd eventually meet the girl of my dreams and she would be proud of the fact that I was not like that, and would some day have kids and HONESTLY be able to tell them that I never went out and did the stuff that kids do today..

Had I know I was going to be this age and still single, to be honest, I would have just gone out and lived it up like everyone else. I should have gone out and lost my virginity and had fun like all the rest of them...but I didn't because I wanted it to happen out of love. I wanted to meet someone and have my first time be with someone who it was also their first time. The chances of that happening now? Ummm.......pretty slim..

It really makes me mad, because everyone else is going out and having sex for the first time at 12 and 13 years old, and I decided to hold off until I met my partner, and here I am all this time later, still a virgin. What did I get for holding off? Absolutely nothing. I did what I thought was the right thing and now here I am..

I know of absolutely no one my age who is single. people tell me I need to get out of my house and do stuff, but where do you go? I have no friends to do things with, and I'm not about to go out doing them alone. It's embarrasing..

It's not like I NEVER leave my house anyway - I do the normal things in life that everyone does........get gas, grocery shop, go to work, yadda yadda. WHY, during this normal course of life have I not met anyone?.

If I'm not going to meet someone running my normal course of life, why would I meet someone by going out doing things I wouldn't be out doing if I had a partner? Most people by the time they are my age, get up, go to work, and come home. They have families. I've even tried joining up with singles groups at church......I was the youngest one there. Every one else was in their 50's..

Today, I have pretty much decided that I am going to change my attitude from being this nice person I feel I've been all my life, to being an A-hole. Being nice has gotten my nowhere as far as my love life is concerned, so screw everything, and screw this world. No one cares about me enough to give me a chance at companionship, either because they have someone already, or are not interested. So why should I care about anyone myself?.

All I've ever wanted was to find my companion to share life with, and be happy, but no. Here I sit at 30, watching everyone else years younger, go out and start their happy lives. my parents have been happily married for 40+ years, and I wanted the same. But here I sit, sleeping in an empty bed, driving a car with an empty seat, and living life alone..

Everyone tells me to just give it time and it will happen some day. but why? why didn't "it" happen YEARS ago when I was in my early 20's like it does for everybody else? Maybe I was never meant to be put on the face of this stupid planet. Who knows. All I know is that I'm tired, frustrated,and fed up with being alone. How much longer can this go on?.

 ..

Comments (16)

You might try this instead - http://boards.askmen.com/viewforum.php?f=7&sid=a93058c54418ce56dde7856aed13ac82 They'd probably be more help to you ~~~ close to $1,000 for a local dating (online dating with Match.com) service that I was a member of for over a year that did nothing for me. <<< Did they offer any "life coaching?" Any suggestions on doing things differently in your life? Or was it strictly matching people on the criteria you gave out? Are you so focused on Marriage, that you could be scaring girls off? Do you come on too strong? Like every date using Match.com is a Wife Interview? Could you ask any of the married friends or family, if they think you might come on too strong? Do any married friends have single lady friends also looking for marriage? What are you looking for in a girl? Are your standards too low, that you'll take anyone. Or too high, that no one can meet the goals. ~~~ I'm sorry you're hurting. ~~~ Maybe try the book - No More Mr Nice Guy You can read the beginning here & see if it might apply. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256665248&sr...Description: >>> Dr.

He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential. <<<<.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha..

Comment #1

Wouldn't it be better to meet the right person even if it is in a few years than marry the wrong person (because of your self imposed timeline)?.

Honesty, if you come across in person as you do in your post with your attitude (desperate, defeated) you will be hard pressed to find someone.  Believe it or not, your attitude can make people run the other way.  Like attracts like..

Once you are happy with yourself and your life (without someone else) you will come closer to finding someone the same way and have more luck.  You must first love yourself before someone else will.  I kmow plenty of people 30 or older that are single, they have full lives, sure they would like to meet someone but they aren't completely focused on that, if it happens it happens.  You should want someone that will compliment your life not complete it. Sometimes something good will happen when you least expect it..

" do the normal things in life that everyone does........get gas, grocery shop, go to work, yadda yadda.".

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy?  If not find one, join a group, so that you meet other people with the same interests.  Volunteer your time, take up a sport, take up skydiving...find something you enjoy doing.  Stop with the defeatest attitude it isn't helping.  Stop worrying about what other people have that you don't, make your life and yourself the best it can be for yourself, and you will have a better chance at finding someone to share that life with...

Comment #2

Dont give up. you are looking way too hard. and all in the wrong spots. time. dont be in a rush.Hang in there...

Comment #3

How about counseling? I am not insinuating there is something wrong with you but there might be a deep seeded issue that is causing you to put out a vibe that you aren't interested. Counseling will help you dissect this and hopefully get you on the road to finding your soulmate.Check your health insurance OR your employer may have EAP's that will afford you a few free sessions to see if it is beneficial...

Comment #4

I am going to be extremely blunt here. I hope your post was a "vent" and not something you talk about with women. Your post reeks of "woe is me" and desperation. Women smell desperation and neediness and run. Clearly you lack self-esteem and that confidence. You've got to get a grip and realize that 30 is NOT OLD.

You are NOT destined to be alone. Think how many people who you saw in the marriage announcements in the paper...do you wonder how many are even still married? Join a gym, go a few times a week. At work, maybe organize a "happy hour." Maybe volunteer for a Habitat for Humanity project some weekend, I know lots of girls who do that.Please don't think of me as unsympathetic. I'm about to turn 27, and I married at 19 and divorced at 25. While my friends were signing wedding papers and buying homes and having their first child, I was getting a divorce.

I went from a an awesome house to a crappy apartment. It sucked. Finally, I went to match.com and met my current bf and I could not be happier. Am I married? Nope. Do I own a home? Nope.

Am I happier even without a ring on my finger, a nice home, a husband and without kids? You bet.Just try something out....try to go 3 days without thinking of "the aloneness" If you start to think about it, do something immediately to get your mind off of it. Try it out, see what comes about. Good luck...

Comment #5

The only thing I wanna say is...why become a A*** hole cos d'you really think that will help? I don't think that you should loose sight of who you are and become angry at the world and people you don't even know just cos they don't see the good companion you will make. You sound lilke you prob have a lot to give, and you want to give in a relationship. Which are GOOD qualities. Don't loose them!.

 Being a single girl, 26 and a virgin too I can relate to some of what you feel of longing for a partner, companionship etc but I realise you can try and try but its out of my control really so try to put my focus in things I can do ( at the moment my focus is in my new career change) and want to get other things in my life too. I just hope one day, having a boyfriend will be the bonus/addition to me, not the everything to me. If that makes sense....

Take care and remember who you are cos no one wants to date using Match.com an A** hole!.

 .

X..

Comment #6

First - I am 29 and still single (but not a virgin), so you are not the only one. I also seriously am ready to get married and most of my friends are married. So, I understand where you are coming from. Patience isn't my strong suit either..

Second - Here are some ideas for meeting people: dating (online dating with Match.com) sites (I use Match & Eharmony), the gym, walk your neighborhood, get or borrow a dog and go to the dog park, join a co-ed sports team (softball, volleyball, tennis), tailgate at a football game, bookstore coffee shops..

Third - Don't be an a$$hole. I've dated more than my fair share of a$$holes and I assure you that the world does not need another one. Me and lots of other girls are looking for a nice, honest guy that looking for a committed relationship..

Fourth - I completely understand your vent and how you feel, I often feel the same way, but you need to keep it in check when with a woman (easier said than done I know).

Fifth - Rumor has it that there is a such thing as a dating (online dating with Match.com) coach. I've never used one but find it an interesting concept...

Comment #7

I will try to be as honest as possible while staying within the board rules..

As a woman, probably within the age range of your target audience, I really despise your attitude. You may be a "nice guy" but why should I want to get past the bitterness and whatever else on your exterior in order to get to know who you apparently really are? Nice guys finish last because there is something wrong with their first impression.

Grocery shopping and driving to work isn't "getting out of the house". You're not meeting anyone grocery shopping, I don't care what stories of rare romantic encounters you've heard - The odds aren't great unless you're doing something outside of your normal routine.

What I want to know is, what is wrong with your first impression? Even if you were meeting women, why aren't they interested? If you lose the sour attitude, and there's nothing less attractive than a man who is feeling bitter and sorry for himself, what's turning women off to you?.

You need to look constructively at what you can change - Lots of nice guys find women, you do NOT have to be an AH to find love, but it's all in the presentation and if you present yourself as someone with confidence who is interesting to get to know, then you won't have too much trouble combined with going out more. If you really are convinced that you can't change your confidence level, attitude, or first impression, then yeah you'll probably be lonely forever..

Dating services suck. People don't go using dating (online dating with Match.com) services because they are confident, happy people - People use those things because they are lonely and desperate. Sure there are exceptions but there is a pervasive yet unspoken "bottom of the barrel" atmosphere that transcends everything else. It's almost a "negative" way to find love. I can't knock it entirely and some quality people have definitely found other quality people this way, but I'm sure you have an idea of the atmosphere I'm talking about, having gone through this before..

Therapy isn't a bad idea but I wouldn't go into therapy hoping it would help me find dates..

It's just interesting to me that you've posted all about how angry you are and yet I don't see any kind of self-evaluation that would describe WHY you are lonely after 30 years of being single...

Comment #8

I greatly respect your approach to life and dating.  I have a 16 year old son who talks the same way about waiting, finding the right girl, etc.  I think there can be a lot of possible explanations for why it hasn't happened for you.   One could be that while you're waiting for the right girl, a guy whose more aggressive and cares less about her is taking-up her time and attention.  Do you indicate your interest in any way?  I think it's awesome that your dream was to emulate your parents.  I think your dream can happen for you.  I think it's important for all of us to realize that it's easy to get distracted by liars.  There are a lot of them.  It's admirable that you've saved yourself for the right person.  Unfortunately, many become "weary in well-doing."  It's sad when that happens.  If you become an ah you may superficially get what you want, temporarily at least, but it will be empty.  I know it's hard to want to give your love to someone and noone seems to want it.  That can happen in relationships, also.  It's especially hard for good people to find each other but I do believe in divine intervention.  Just please don't give-up 'cause then you'll be like the many.  Best...

Comment #9

"Dating services suck. People don't go using dating (online dating with Match.com) services because they are confident, happy people - People use those things because they are lonely and desperate. Sure there are exceptions but there is a pervasive yet unspoken "bottom of the barrel" atmosphere that transcends everything else. It's almost a "negative" way to find love. "I must disagree. I used to feel this way until I gave OLD another chance.

I have met some decent guys online. Online dating (online dating with Match.com) has lost it's stigma and I think it has actually become mainstream. I also think it's a real boon for people over 35. I think you'll find plenty of people looking for love in real life who are unhappy, desperate and negative.This is not to say that the OP will necessarily find his true love online...but he might not find her in real life either...

Comment #10

I know there are a lot of people who have great success. Unfortunately though, for most women who use online dating, they need to weed through a lot of "undesirables" first. Most men I know who attempt OLD get used to hearing from few if any women they reach out to. Just a very different environment, a little more shallow and a little more honest, than knowing someone in person first...

Comment #11

....."Dating services suck. People don't go using dating (online dating with Match.com) services because they are confident, happy people - People use those things because they are lonely and desperate. Sure there are exceptions but there is a pervasive yet unspoken "bottom of the barrel" atmosphere that transcends everything else. It's almost a "negative" way to find love. ".....Wow, gotta wholeheartedly disagree with this. I mean, really? I'm fairly certain the OP was talking about professional dating (online dating with Match.com) services.



 CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to DoCL-Understanding MenCL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) DoyenneRead This First:  How to Get Over Your BreakupWe waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.  Tom Robbins..

Comment #12

I'm not talking about upscale dating (online dating with Match.com) services, I mean online dating (online dating with Match.com) sites. Sorry for not making that clearer, I notice now that I said "dating services" in general but I really meant dating (online dating with Match.com) sites online, where you weed through your own potential matches without professional intervention. I definitely should have been specific there! Sorry...

Comment #13

I had no idea that men had this problem as well!  I am the female version of you!.

 I had 2 single friends get married this year one is 35 and the other is 40.  I am 35 and have NEVER had a meaningful relationship.  I have always thought this was because of my sinful ways in the past.  Like it was a form of punishment I have to go through, for having been premiscuis in my younger years...

Comment #14

First off, stop the "woe is me" attitude, and definitely DON'T go the a**hole route. It gets you nowhere FAST..

You need to adjust your attitude. Take a look at the things you DO HAVE, as opposed to what you DON'T have. Do you have a good job? Nice place to live? Be thankful for what you have.  Once you are happy with YOURSELF, the rest of things will fall into place..

I am about to turn 28...never been married...no kids...not even a boyfriend at the time. But, I am happy and confident with my life choices. I was engaged to the WRONG guy for 7 months, and I was miserable. But, I wanted a family so desperately that I was willing to be treated horribly and be made to feel lower than low. Thank goodness I woke up one day, or I'd still be in that situation today. I know this probably means nothing to you, but seriously, don't settle just because you want certain things in life.

I'm now willing to wait for the right person. Wait for the RIGHT girl, look for a girl who COMPLIMENTS you rather than COMPLETES you..

Ever hear the saying "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" or do you ever find something while you were looking for something else? Think about it..

Comment #15

Just like Your saying it to Us You are projecting it..

I am in My 30's I would have been married last year to Someone I was miserable with but I couldnt do it.  Thank god I got out I am single for awhile but I rather be single and happy then miserable with Someone else..

You are not old it is very common to be single at this age frame.  Just because Everyone around You is married or getting married doesnt mean anything is wrong with You there time came when it was suppose to and so will Your's. I really believe that You are exactly where You are suppose to be..

Live Your life take pride in doing things You enjoy spend time with Your Family and Friends and before You know it this phase will soon be over .  You need to lighten up!.

As My Grandma would say "A watched pot never boils".

Stay positive!!.

 ..

Comment #16


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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