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Does match.com (or similar sites) really work?

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My first question is: Does match.com (or similar sites) really work?.

My next question is: Hi everyone,  this is a situation for which I would like some feedback. This all started in mid-October..

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I work promotions and events, and I met this guy who works at a store at which I frequently promote different products.  We exchanged numbers after talking a few times, and he told me to call him. I was going to wait a couple of days to do so, but he ended up calling me the next day, Monday. Thats pretty surprising for a guy to do that! We talked on the phone a few times during that week, then went out on Friday night. We went on a date using Match.com that lasted for about 5 hours, with dinner, then dancing at a nearby nightclub. We talked about all sorts of things, but he was saying that he had not had a relationship (thru Match.com) for 2 years, and that he did not miss being in one.  Anyway, We had a great time, things got pretty hot on the dance floor.  He was a gentleman during the night, opening my car door, walking me up to my apartment door. But then he said something kind of funny at the end of the nightCall me when youre ready.



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I ended up calling him a couple of days later, thanking him for a great time. He called me back the next day, saying he had a great time too. During the next couple of weeks, we talked on the phone a few times and I saw him a couple of times when I was promoting at his store. What was great was that he always called back right away, or the next day.

 I have a crazy work schedule, so we ended up setting up another date using Match.com a few weeks after the first one. However, he cancelled at the last minute via text message, his first one ever to me (he had always called me on the phone to communicate.)  He is a manager of his department, and 2 people called out sick that night, so he had to close the store.  So we didnt go out that night.  He texted me the next day thanking me for being so cool about it. .

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Then, Thanksgiving and Christmas came up, and he started working extra hours at his work, and I didnt have anymore scheduled promotions at his store for several weeks.  He also was getting ready for finals, and his dad, who he hadnt seen in over a year,  was in town for a few weeks.  He was basically driving/showing his dad around everywhere.  So, we ended up not seeing/talking to each other much during that time.  At one point in early December, we exchanged a couple of flirty texts. A week after that, I sent him one telling him good luck on his exams, and a couple of days later, he sent me one saying something like, hey gorgeous, exams are almost over, really want to see you.  I did not respond to that, I was waiting to see if he would call me to get together or something. He did not. .

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I decided to call him around Mid-December, when exams are typically done with, and I left a voicemail saying hello, telling him to give me a call whenever he got a chance.  A week later, he texted me something like, Merry Christmas gorgeous, sorry I havent called you, but Ive been thinking about you.  .

 .

A few days after Christmas, I had to do a promotion at his store, the first one in about 2 months.  He came over to chit chat a little, and he said he knew he had been kind of an ass about not getting in touch with me.  He gave me a big hug, called me sweetie, said I smelled and looked good, and said he would call me that night. Didnt hear from him.

 .

Five days later, I had to promote at his store again, and I didnt initiate conversation with him, I just went about my promotion.  He kind of came over quietly, not quite his usual, confident self. He asked me if I had called him, and I said no. He said he was asking because his phone broke, and he was waiting for his new one in the mail.  Then he muttered a sorry.  I think he thought I was mad at him, but I let it pass.

 .

I ended up going over to him later, showing him all sorts of pictures on my digital camera from NYE, which he had wanted to see.  He kept throwing out compliments the whole time. We talked for a bit, and he was saying he really was going to call me, and was going to pull up my number and call me from a pay phone to tell me what happened to his phone, but he had no numbers whatsoever. At that point,  It was time for him to leave work, so he gave me  a big hug and said he would text me when he got his new phone. .

 .

I got a text today from him saying he finally got his phone. I guess there was a delay because of the holidays.  He just said something like, it was good to see you, hope everything is well. I texted him back asking him how his week was, but he never replied..

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Looking back, one thing I noticed about him was that he often futured me during conversations and our first date, saying he would take me to a concert, meet his good friend, meet his brother, hang out over semester break, etc. None of it ever happened.

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(I also just realized that I had pictures with a lot of guy friends in my camera when I showed him. Im now wondering if he thinks that I get around a lot because of what he saw (believe me, that is not my style at all).   The pictures were simply of me standing next to them, nothing risqu. ).

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Sorry for the long story, I just have a really good memory!.

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Anyway, I was just wondering what you all think of this situation. I have my thoughts, but will refrain from expressing them for now because I wanted to hear some feedback.  Thanks!..

Comments (32)

Your question was: Does match.com (or similar sites) really work?.

 "I was going to wait a couple of days to do so, but he ended up calling me the next day, Monday. Thats pretty surprising for a guy to do that!".

Surprising that a guy would call you?  lol  You need to raise the bar, girl.  Also, to me, a real gentleman does not tell a lady to call him.  He calls *her*. .

So obv he is not that interested bec he just pops up every now and then.  He is not consistent or reliable (tells you he will call but doesnt), but he ropes you back in bec when he does see you or text you it is hey gorgeous this and hey gorgeous that.   To me, it sounds like he's stringing you along.  He does it because he knows you like him and that probably makes him feel cool.  And he does it because you let him.  I wouldve dropped this guy ages ago. ..

Comment #1

Well, I know guys should initiate calling, but I was saying it was surprising that he called that soon after getting my number. In my experience, guys usually wait a couple days or longer. That's what I meant..

 .

I guess I end up still liking him because I see him when doing promotions at his work. If I never saw him again, it would be a different story, I think... It would be easier to just not think about the situation...

Comment #2

Yes, but the point is you shouldn't like a guy who doesnt give you the time of day....

Comment #3

Yes, I know, logically I realize that's how it should be.  However, I guess it's easier said than done, since I  see him when I have to do promotions where he works. His work area is right by mine, so I see him a few times a month....  I know it would be different if I never saw him again. ..

Comment #4

 <<However, I guess it's easier said than done,>>.

Not really - when you accept a person's limitations it doesn't mean you stop liking them as aperson - it just means you see that person realistically. In this case, he isn't interested enough to go out of his way to spend time with you. When you accept that, you can see him as he is - someone to enjoy flirting with when you are in the same area.

And it's always fun to be called gorgeous - but being called that doesn't mean anything beyond that..

Toni..

Comment #5

I guess I just feel like I've been lead on because of the things he's said and done...I mean, if he just wanted to be friends, he didn't have to call me gorgeous, etc.....

Comment #6

Unless he came right out and told you "I want to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with you" then reneged on it, the fault is yours for interpreting his statements to mean something other than what was said. He made a comment on your looks. If you start taking what people say at face value and stop assigning your own meanings to it, you will live a much less confusing life and you will become part of "THE WORLD" rather than just "YOUR WORLD"...

Comment #7

Look - no one 'leads' you where you aren't willing to go.  thinking that way would suggest that you had no control here at all.  He didn't lead you on because YOU enjoyed and reciprocated the flirtations/contact. It is next to never that a woman is actually 'led on' by a man - because whatever he is telling her is something she wants to accept - and if she includes that into her fantasy of what it means, that is her mind not him..

Did you enjoy the flirting? Did you enjoy being called gorgeous? Did you have fun with the flirtations? Has any of that enjoyment changed because he isn't pursuing you the way you want? No.  What you enjoyed in the past has already been enjoyed and can't be changed. the only thing that has changed is that you are now seeing that what you want it all to mean and what it really is are not the same things. You had expectations of more - not because he 'misled' you - but because you wanted a certain outcome - and that is what is disappointing you.

Hon, if the whole world looked at others in the manner of "unless you intend to date/commit/marry me, then don't smile, laugh or ever even look my way" - it would be a sad, sad place indeed. YOu are making more of this than it is - an enjoyable flirtation unless or until HE decides to pursue harder.  Smiles, compliments or even phone calls have never been promises of a future.

Toni..

Comment #8

<<.

I guess I just feel like I've been lead on because of the things he's said and done...I mean, if he just wanted to be friends, he didn't have to call me gorgeous, etc...  >>.

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He also told you on your dinner/dancing date using Match.com that he likes not being in a relationship (thru Match.com) .........

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Look, to some degree, it's human nature to hear only what we want to hear ... so, you're hearing the compliments and enjoying the flirting but ... you have to also hear THOSE things ... IMO, if you're a gal who wants a relationship (thru Match.com) ... and a guys says very early on "I enjoy not being in a relationship" ... then, that is very clearly a guy who enjoys dating (online dating with Match.com) for dating's sake ... a "see you when I see you" type of dude.  .

 .

Also, I said this on your post on Answer Man but ... personally, saying things like "gorgeous", "babe", "sweetie" etc ... those types of compliments from a guy you really barely know aren't really genuine comments.  Guys like that say those things to a lot of women.  It doesn't make you special.  It just means it's his M.O.    I knew a guy (friend of a client, and then I sold him a house) who always said "hey love", "how are you, love" and things like that ... and by no means did this guy LOVE me or was there anything romantic ... he just called women "love" ... I brushed it off.  ..

Comment #9

I think you are wasting your time even thinking about this guy for even a minute.  He is not really interested in dating (online dating with Match.com) you...

Comment #10

Well, I wasn't saying that I wanted a relationship (thru Match.com) with him. It just would have been nice to go on another date, or a few. That's all I'm saying.  He was saying that since December seemed to be a slow month for me, and he was on semester break, we should hang out. But that didn't happen...

Comment #11

Well, I was trying to keep an open mind. Even though someone says they don't miss being in a relationship, sometimes as they get to know a person, they may change their mind. I've known people to whom this has happened.   I was just thinking anything could be possible...

Comment #12

<< I was just thinking anything could be possible.  >>.

Sure, it's possible.  But, you're dealing with a low percentage situation.   Its up to you and only you to choose what will lead to the greatest chance of success.   Or ... you can spin your wheels in situations like this.   Your choice...

Comment #13

I actually have an update on this situation..

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This past weekend, I was at his store doing product promotions on both Saturday and Sunday.  We talked quite a bit actually.  We were talking new years resolutions, and I decided to bring up a resolution that a friend of mine had madenot to hook up with guys from the club.  I kind of brought that up just to make it clear I dont do that, since I was thinking maybe those pictures I showed him the week before might have given him that impression. But he said that he knew that I dont partake in that.

 .

Anyway, at the end of Saturday, I told him that I would be there Sunday as well. He said he knew, and I asked who told him.  He said a couple of female employees told him. (The only ones who would have known that info were the women who I set up the promotions with.)    I laughed, and said, why do they feel the need to relay that info to you?  And he laughed and said I dont know. (Side note:  In the past, he told me that a couple of employees had seen us talking, and kind of asked him about it.)  So obviously, some of the employees in the store are kind of curious about the situation.  .

So I show up the next day to work, and I noticed at one point, he was checking me out as he was walking across the store to talk to another employee.  I had a half hour left of my promotion when he walked over to talk to me. He was done working for the day, but he stayed at my table to talk to me for about 20-25 minutes. To be honest, Im surprised he stayed that long to talk.  Even when a couple of customers interrupted our conversation to ask about the product I was promoting, he waited around.  At one point, he said, sorry, I feel like Im messing you up.  He still stayed to talk, though. .

 .

I know that one of the supervisors doing a product promotion herself about 50 feet away saw us talking that long, but surprisingly, she didnt reprimand me when she came up to me later.  She actually was one of the people who kind of asked him about talking to me. .

 .

Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, he said his brother was coming into town, and that I should get some of my girls together, and we should all show his brother around the bars/clubs in town. I guess his brother really likes to party.   When he was leaving, he asked me what I was doing later on. I told him I had to work a few hours at another store. He asked  if I was going to be around later that night. I said I wasnt doing anything. He said he wasnt doing much either.  He then said, Ill shoot you a text later, see whats going  on.

Then he gave me a big hug and said youre looking good as usual as he very obviously looked me up and down..

 .

Later that night, he did text me, asking me how my day ended up.  We only exchanged a couple of texts that night..

 .

So.What do you think about this latest update?.

Edited 1/18/2009 10:05 pm ET by lafashionista..

Comment #14

<< So.What do you think about this latest update?  >>.

((sigh)).

Hon, he's still not that into you.  Sorry ... but, it seems like you want this guy to be someone he isn't.  He didn't ask you out.  He asked you to get some friends together so you all could show his brother a good time when he comes to town.   The message there is "I'm looking for a good time.".

Secondly, asking "what are you doing later" isnt an invitation.  And invitation would have been "would you like to get coffee/a drink after you're finished here" ... in which case, if you'd replied "I have to work a few more hours at another store" ... if he wanted to see you ... he would have suggested something for the following day ... or suggested something period.   The text doesn't mean anything ... any monkey can send a text.

Please, for your own sake, stop putting any attention on this guy as prospect.  He sounds like a "good time guy" at best.   If you want an f-buddy, I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige. ..

Comment #15

You need to call him and ask him out. Something I had a great time when we went out last...lets do it again. He migt be looking for you to start thins this time. Some women just wait around for a guy to do it all. Guys want some input to. Like you call him and as him out once in awhile.

He was sad you didnt call when his phone was gone.....I just know it..

Edited 1/16/2009 11:19 am ET by bitemex5..

Comment #16

I think it's a bad idea to date using Match.com someone at work..

I think if he really liked you or if he was a real man, he would've asked you out on an actual date using Match.com instead of inviting you to a bar crawl with your girlfriends and his brother..

Not trying to be negative.  Just being real...

Comment #17

I disagree.  He's either a lazy dater or isn't that interested.  He's had ample opportunity to ask her out.   If he was doing something, anything other than texting and talking to her at work ... I'd agree with you. .

I'm all for taking turns and showing a guy that you're interested, too. It's got to be mutual.  I agree that the guy shouldn't do all the work.  But, he needs to do some of the heavy lifting ... asking her to grab a cup of coffee or even a drink would have been a good start.  But, he couldn't even manage that.   Just a "I'll text you later" ... so, what does that mean?  Nothing.   This guy isn't doing anything to indicate he wants to date using Match.com her.  ..

Comment #18

>>But, he needs to do some of the heavy lifting ... asking her to grab a cup of coffee or even a drink would have been a good start.  But, he couldn't even manage that.   Just a "I'll text you later" ... so, what does that mean?  Nothing.   This guy isn't doing anything to indicate he wants to date using Match.com her. << .

I agree. Even after the update the OP posted, I don't think that he's about a relationship. It just sounds like flirting and casual talk to me. Maybe he'll man up and ask her out but until then, I think he's enjoying flirting with her and whoever else he flirts with, and being single..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #19

My thought is...I could be wrong.....she shounds like she is guessing whether he likes her or not...well instead of guessing step up and ask. Now I am for one that believes in the work place is the work place not a place to be personal. It sounds like this isnt a 100% work enviroment ...she is only there once in awhile to promote a product. Therefore it's kinda on the line for me. he maybe holding backa bit but he sounds interested..maybe as a friend. I just think to stop guessing and start asking.

Being assertive isnt a bad thing..

Edited 1/16/2009 8:08 pm ET by bitemex5..

Comment #20

<< My thought is...I could be wrong.....she shounds like she is guessing whether he likes her or not...well instead of guessing step up and ask. >>.

I see what you're trying to sell ... but, I'm still not buying.  ;-)   I mean, we aren't 12 year-olds here ... do we gals really have to ask "do you like me?"   No.  We don't.   Experience has shown thru my many years (I'll be 39 next month) ... that when a man is interested, he'll call.  He'll ask you out.   You don't have to ask him if he likes you.  .

I went back and read her original post and ... they only had one real date.  And she has called.   She's shown interest.  I mean, what does she need her to do ... whack him over the head and say "ask me out already!".

 ..

Comment #21

 No we arent 12 or even 18. ( who wants to go there again....not me LOL) Me being 41 I dont guess. I ask to go out on dates most wether they have asked or I have asked pan out to be more friends then anything...but some after a couple dates have had possabilities. Now being that I am so involved with my kids most men do not want a weekend GF therefore I stay single. In one post I think she said something about him loosing his phone and I took at his response to her not calling as he was a little disapointed( Yes I can be wrong) so go ahead and go out...it may end up being just friends but hey...she gained a friend. And honestly some of the guys I have gone out with have said I just didnt know how to approach, what to say ect....so I just kinda stopped guessing and stopped waiting to try to figure them out.

Some guys have related to fact that they just dont know what to do as a man. ( you open a car door for one gal and she says "I got it" in a snot attitude so the guy doesnt open doors any more and you still get bad attitude) They are kind of in a no win thing sometimes. thats why I am suggesting she ask him...now she shouldnt always do that and she needs to tell him if they start dating (online dating with Match.com) that he needs to make some moves.

Edited 1/16/2009 9:37 pm ET by bitemex5..

Comment #22

Well, I don't actually work there. I'm there only about 3 times a month doing promotions at his store. I am just set up by his department.  I'm a freelance person...

Comment #23

I don't know, I also started thinking about my own behavior too. I am not flirty with a guy until I know that there's definitely something there with him. I'm actually kind of shy.  Call it being afraid of rejection if I'm too flirty, I guess.  So I was pondering that maybe he is not sure how interested I am in him due to my not really flirty behavior?  I mean I'm friendly to him, but probably haven't been really overt in my interest. I like the guy to do the chasing, but I don't know if I can be playing "hard to get?"  Some guys have actually called me a mystery at times.......

Comment #24

<< I like the guy to do the chasing, but I don't know if I can be playing "hard to get?"  Some guys have actually called me a mystery at times..... >>.

Ok then ... this is very easy.   If you want to a) let him know you're interested and b) find out where you stand ... you can accomplish that with a simple phone call and ask him if he'd like to get a cup of coffee (or something equally casual ... but, IMO, don't ask him out for a drink ... can absolutely set the wrong impression if he is just a "good time" guy)..

So, do that.  You don't need to ask if he likes you.   If he's even remotely interested, he'll accept.  If he accepts, but then, in turn doesn't ask you out ... you'll have your answer.

Oh, and if you call and he doesn't answer then ... just leave one brief message.  Not a message and a text and an email ... just one voice mail will do just fine.       If he doesn't call you back within a day or so, again ... you'll have your answer.   If he's interested in you ... he'll call you back ... and he won't take days.   If he calls you back days later ...

Oh, lafashionista called a couple days ago ... i'll call and see if she wants to 'hang out'." ..

Comment #25

If you like him and dont know if he likes you then just ask him for coffee. If it just ends up friends then at least you know where he stands. I am very forward and if I get rejected oh well ....it is their personal oppinion and personal thoughts in what they want for them selves. and I would rather get rejected then guess about someone. Over all just have fun!!!! )..

Comment #26

Something I've learned over the years - when someone is really interested in someone or something - they don't pussyfoot around - it's clear where their attention is. This is true even with shy men - if a man is deeply interested in a woman, he will risk making a fool of himself to be with her. And if he isn't doing all that is within his ability to do, then his interest is lukewarm.So, in this case, he isn't asking you out even though you have BEEN on a date using Match.com and he is being all vague and ambiguous in his actions. People do reflect back what they see - so he 'could' be refelecting your own level of interest - or he could simple be an opportunist when he sees you - but not willing to go out of his way. Either way, asking him to coffee would be a good way to find out - if he says yes, but doesn't ask YOU out, move on - for whatever reason, he isn't that interested. If he says no or doesn't reply, he isn't worth a second thought..

Toni..

Comment #27

"Something I've learned over the years - when someone is really interested in someone or something - they don't pussyfoot around - it's clear where their attention is. This is true even with shy men - if a man is deeply interested in a woman, he will risk making a fool of himself to be with her. And if he isn't doing all that is within his ability to do, then his interest is lukewarm.".

ITA!!..

Comment #28

I actually found out my answer without even putting myself that much on  the line, like I would have if I had asked him out for coffee or a drink.  Remembering how he mentioned getting my girl friends together to meet up with him and his brother from out of town this weekend, I called him last night around 7 pm. I  left a voicemail asking if he still wanted to get a group together to show his brother around town, to see what he had going on this 3 day weekend.  He has not even replied, not even a text. It would be better if he said some kind of lie, like, oh i'm not going out this weekend because I'm sick, or my brother ended up not coming, etc.  At least that would have been a response.

No reply whatsoever, not even out of common courtesy..

You know, there have been times where a guy i'm not interested in has called/texted me to come hang out with him and his friends, but I am ALWAYS polite and respond, even if I lie and say i'm not feeling well, or that i'm working.  At least I reply!!.

See, he could get by with this more easily if he never had to see me again. But I will still be there a couple of times a month at his store. Obviously he does not even care about trying to keep things platonically friendly.

Edited 1/18/2009 10:07 pm ET by lafashionista..

Comment #29

Plus it doesnt even make sense that you called him to set up something for *his* brother.  He should be the one calling you to set that up since it was his idea.  I hope you let this go now and move on...

Comment #30

Well, I wasn't calling to set up something myself...I just decided to casually call and see what was up for this weekend, if anything. I still ended up making plans and going out with my friends, I wasn't waiting around for his answer.

 .

 ..

Comment #31

 .

So I saw him this past Friday when I was promoting at his store. I decided to pretty much ignore him.  I didn't look towards his department at all, and he happened to walk by when I was talking to a customer. He was like, "pssst, hey!"  And gave me this huge smile.  What nerve!  I just looked over at him for a second and said "hey" back. .

Then, towards the end of my shift, he walked close by again, smiled, and said, "You doing alright"? I said, "Yeah, i'm good," in a very neutral tone of voice.   He said something like, "I'll be over there in a little bit," meaning the area in which I was set up.  He didn't end up coming by.  Maybe he got tied up with a customer, or maybe he could sense that I just did not care if he came over or not. .

I just think that it's a whole ego trip for him, since he knows a few of his coworkers kind of stare at me, and a few employees around the store have teased him or talked to him about me.  Whatever it may be, it's messed up, but that's the way alot of guys are, unfortunately. ..

Comment #32


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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