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My question is: Does charge you?.

My 2nd question is: Background: I'm 50+ and I've been divorced/separated for going on 5 years after a 20+ year marriage. With one thing and another, I don't date using much, so I am not always sure how to interpret situations when I do date. I would like to get advice on how to handle situations where, during one of the first few dates, the guy indicates that he wants to go out the next weekend and even suggests what you should do together, but doesn't give you a set day and time. Then, the week goes by and the guy disappears. He suddenly stops e-mailing though he had been e-mailing every day or every couple of days before that. He doesn't phone.

Once in a while the guy has called at the last minute to confirm our "plans." On the other hand, I feel that since he didn't follow through on his "invitation," then I have no obligation to set the time aside for him, especially since quite often the guy simply disappears for good, while other times he resurfaces a week or two later as though nothing has happened.I believe it is important not to pounce on a guy and demand at the end of a date using that he tell you specifically which day and time he is thinking of going out next weekend. On the other hand, I don't want to be kept dangling. If the guy remains in touch during the week, then come Wednesday or Thursday I have no hesitation asking him "So, are we still on for that movie this weekend? Which evening did you have in mind?" But when the guy has not answered my last e-mail and/or otherwise hasn't been communicating with me, I feel awkward to bring up the proposed date.Any suggestions on ways I can reduce the chances of being left dangling like this? Any graceful ways to make it clear to the guy that I will NOT reserve time for him on the weekend unless he makes some kind of commitment to the date using also?..

Comments (10)

I'd just say something like to let me know when as soon as possible so I can put it down on my calendar. I wouldn't keep a day blocked off if no actual invitation happened, and I wouldn't hesitate to say no if something else got on my calendar first. If a guy isn't setting a day and time in advance, he's probably not that interested and just wants to keep you on the back burner in case nothing he prefers to do comes up instead.If you don't want to be kept dangling, then don't be. Don't block off time for someone who didn't give you a day and time. If a guy realizes that you didn't keep your calendar free because he didn't give you a day and time, then next time he'll probably learn from that and ask you out sooner. If he doesn't, then he wasn't really worth your time anyway...

Comment #1

I agree with the PP, I wouldn't "reserve" time for a new guy unless and until plans are firmed up.  If something else comes up for that time frame that you want to do, I'd say yes to the new plans, and if the guy calls later to firm up, let him know that you made other plans since nothing was firmed up.  You shouldn't feel you have any obligation until plans are firm, in other words.  You can make the decision to not *let* yourself dangle, KWIM? .

I don't think there's any reason to say anything to the guy, however, beyond something like "that sounds great, give me to a call to firm things up". .


Comment #2

This happened to me over the summer, and the guy blew me off. He did a 'I'm free Thursday', then Thursday came and went...When I emailed him to say how rude that was, he replied that he had moved on but was too chicken to tell me.Lesson learned: it ain't a date using until it's been confirmed, UNLESS he says something specific like "Save Saturday for me, I'll think of something to do and then I will call you on Thursday to confirm..." That's what the guy I am seeing does. That way, Saturday is now booked, and I know by Thursday where and when I am going somewhere. Other lesson learned: if they treat you like that, not being respectful of your time, do you want to be in a relationship (thru with a person who does that to you?I don't think there is anything wrong with an email saying, "We had talked about possibly meeting on Saturday, and I would like to firm up my weekend plans. Let me know if this is still OK" or something like that. If you don't hear back, you have an answer. If you get something vague back, like he still isn't sure, I would make other plans.To me, only a definite YES is a date...

Comment #3

Part of my problem is that a lot of times, whether I have the day blocked off or not, I am not going to have much else going on unless I plan it myself. It isn't as if I have hundreds of invitations. Most weekends, if I want to go somewhere, I have to make a lot of phonecalls to find a friend who is free, or else I have to plan on doing things alone. (That is not a problem sometimes, but it's a hassle other times.)So what happens with these guys is that their vague "I'll call you so we can go out next weekend," discourages me from making other plans unless (as happened recently) they give me the vibe during the week that, for one reason or another, they have moved on.Yes, the "call me by Thursday to firm up plans," sounds like a good line. I just have to remember to say it at the first suggestion of a tentative date...

Comment #4

As I mentioned in the previous post, sometimes not letting myself "dangle" involves actively finding another activity for myself. And that is much harder than simply not accepting another invitation.Yes, I agree that I don't want to be involved with someone who is that thoughtless. But on the other hand, I don't want to come across as someone who is very rigid. It's a question of conveying to the guy that I am not going to sit around and wait for an unspecified date using without necessarily making a speech about it...

Comment #5

At least the guy replied when you told him he was rude. Most of the time, the guys disappear when I confront them with their rudeness.I agree, who wants to date using someone who is so thoughtless? On the other hand, I'm always conscious that sometimes people do things without realizing how they are being perceived. I could see someone making plans on Saturday for the next weekend but forgetting to follow through because they have a busy schedule.With a female/platonic friend it is fine to "nudge" them. But I've found that when you "nudge" a guy he may think you are being possessive and/or obsessive and/or critical. This sort of defeats the purpose of the nudging.I'm really so tired of this. I am not bad looking.

I'm not looking for someone to support me. I am not looking for someone to help me fix my house or raise my children. I am not looking for anything except a man who will enjoy my company and enjoy doing things with me.Why is it so hard to find someone who will follow through on his enthusiasm?..

Comment #6

For me, the not dangling thing is a mindsetI don't think "I have plans for Sat night" unless and until things are firmed up.  I don't even really think, "I might have plans for Sat night"...I just put it out of my mind as a possibility unless I get the call firming things up, if that makes sense..

And again, I don't think you need to convey anything to the guy...if he really thinks you (or anyone) is going to hold your time open without a fairly specific plan, then he's a clueless personno reasonable person would expect that.  It's not a matter of being rigidthat doesn't even apply, IMO. .



Comment #7

"I'm really so tired of this. I am not bad looking. Everyone seems to agree that I am fun to be with. I'm not looking for someone to support me. I am not looking for someone to help me fix my house or raise my children. I am not looking for anything except a man who will enjoy my company and enjoy doing things with me.

Why is it so hard to find someone who will follow through on his enthusiasm"Girl, just wanted to commiserate with you.  I'm going thru something similar right now and I'm tired of it as well.  I mean, really, it is EXHAUSTING.  I am emotionally and mentally drained.  I don't understand it ("them"?).  Pretty much giving up at this point. ..

Comment #8

Trust me, I know how you feel. I was ready to jump off a cliff in July, I was so sick of guys who were being jerks to me, so tired of getting blown off, so tired of making myself look nice for a first meet only to be greeted by a guy wearing a shirt with a hole in it, guys who wrote for weeks, made tentative dates and then disappeared.I felt so discouraged, like there was something wrong with me.Then something changed, my attitude mostly. I decided that I would play the game, so to speak, so I decided it was all about ME for a change and I started being a little more aggressive looking for someone. At one point I had a lot of contenders to date.Ironically, the winner wound up being someone who got in touch with me first.I think you just wind up clicking with someone. My SIL kept saying to me "you have to kiss a lot of frogs". I hated when she said that, but there is some truth to it.

Yes, it is lonely out there. But being alone is better than being with someone who treats you poorly. I have been there, done that, not going back.Now I have met someone who didn't knock my socks off in his profile, even in the first meet. But he is soooo nice to me and the more I get to know him the more I like him. In the past I would have said "Eh" after the first meet because I didn't have that first crazy rush..

Comment #9

Just wanted to say that I'm happy for you   I luv positive energy and it was nice to read your post..



Comment #10

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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