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My first question is: Does it cost to sign on to or eharmony?.

My next question is: Is it possible to be in a relationship (thru with a guy who insists on keeping many girl 'friends'??..

Comments (23)

Your question was: Does it cost to sign on to or eharmony?.

Are they friends or are they 'friends'? When you put the word in quotes like that you give the impression that they're not purely friends.Yes it is possible under certain circumstances, when a guy finds a girl he loves then she is the #1 female in his life and his priority is to her rather than other women. It's not possible if he's keeping them around for sexual or romantic attention, or if they try to interfere with the relationship. I'd also be wary of a straight man who had many more girl friends than guy friends. But yes, many people have pure friendships with the opposite sex...

Comment #1

I would not be able to be in a relationship (thru with a man who insisted upon having opposite sex friends.  It is just my opinion (everyone lives life differently) - but I have noticed that when one or both parties maintain those friendships that they deprive the romantic relationship (thru of achieving the depth of the intimacy that it could have.  That's what happens when people seek emotional satisfaction outside of their primary love relationship...

Comment #2

 They are apparently only friends, no sexual stuff involved. But he does seem to have MANY female friends.  There seems to be different opinions on the matter of guys being able to have a relationship (thru and keeping female friends as well.  I am not sure how I feel about it. .

Sometimes I question just how much he is into me or whether it is just a physical/sexual attraction. He says otherwise but his actions don't always display that.  The hard part is, is that I really like him. When we are together we have a great time. We are relatively new to dating.  We were discussing this issue and he feels that he shouldn't have to make a partner feel secure. I feel somewhat different. I feel that everyone has insecurities to different degrees.

But in the end..can you really have friendships with the opposite sex without it interfering with your relationship??..

Comment #3

That is exactly my feeling as well. Well put! Thanks..

Comment #4

If you agree with ragingangel then you should find a boyfriend who does not have any female friends and can promise you that he will never make a friend who is female.I sort of agree that he doesn't have to make you feel secure, because he cannot make you feel any way. Security is something you feel when the conditions are right and when you are not being threatened. If you're threatened by people he wants to have in his life, then this is not the right relationship (thru for you.Have you been burned by a guy with female friends before?..

Comment #5

>>everyone has insecurities to different degrees<<.

That's true, but allowing past insecurities to interfere with a current relationship (thru isn't a good thing..

>>But in the end..can you really have friendships with the opposite sex without it interfering with your relationship??<<.

Yes, it's possible. I have male firends in whom I have no interest and my SO has female friends in whom he has no interest. I'd find it weird to meet a man who had NO female friends at all. It's what the friendships entail. I don't go out - not even to lunch - with my male friends (unless it's a whole group - male and female) and my SO doesn't do it either. My friends call me once in a while; his call him sometimes.

If I run into a friend, we'll hug/kiss on the cheek; same for him. The point is, our friendships do not affect our relationship (thru because we both know what the boundaries are - and our friends know what the boundaries are. So, I'd say that his friendships aren't necessarily the problem, it's whether the boundaries are in place..

>>We were discussing this issue and he feels that he shouldn't have to make a partner feel secure.<<.

I can see what he means. If he is a great guy, treats you well, shows you respect, etc. what else should he have to do? If these friends are crossing boundaries it's up to him to address it. If they are disrespecting you, he should nip it in the bud and realise that the person wasn't a friend after all. Just remember, signs of insecurity can drive an innocent person away. So, talk to him and find out exactly what the deal is and settle your mind..

I want to add that I think it's better for a man to have female friends that his gf actually knows about than ones than he has to hide to save her feelings, KWIM?..

Comment #6

Thank you for your response..

I do have mixed feelings about it. I certainly would never tell him NOT to have friends, female or male. I guess our relationship (thru is too new ( a couple of months) I have only met 1 female friend with her bf. He just seems to spend an a lot of time talking about his gf's as well as going out with them.  He isn't hiding anything it seems, but he does seem to spend a LOT of time with them.  So I guess he just isn't 'that' into me! lol And yes I have been burned in the past by believing that there was nothing going on.  I am trying not to let that get in the way, after all, all guys are not the same.  But at the same time, I do have to listen to my gut..right?  If he was truly into me, wouldn't he want to spend that time with me?..

Comment #7

You have some great advice.  And as I said in the last post, I am trying not to let it interfere but I guess actions speak louder than words.  This is a newish relationship (thru and if he was into me, he would want to spend more time with me than he is.  I do agree that you CAN have male/female relationships and as I said to him, it is all a matter of trust and knowing the boundaries as you said. And yes, it is better to know about them than not. I asked him about whether he (with his previous relationships) included them on outings with his friends and introduced them to them or not and he said of course.  I have not met but one. ..

Comment #8

I think if a man is really into a woman, he'll introduce her to the neighbour's cat, even! I find it fishy that you haven't met these firneds unless you haven't been together long..

I have a friend whose ex had a good friend whom he would never let my friend meet. The friend wasn't quite an ex, but it was a girl he used to have a crush on. She doesn't live here but whenever she's in B'dos she calls him up to do this or that. I told my friend that was the ultimate disrespect and the fact that he told her he didn't want them to meet was even worse. They are no longer together, thank goodness. The tricky part is when you do meet the friends, though. Will you (general, as in any woman) feel better or worse?.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9

Hi ivymoss...thought I would come out of lurkdom and chime in on this one with my perspective. .

The relationship (thru is fairly new right?  I think I read that you have only been with him for a couple of this correct?  If this is the case then maybe you should just go with the flow at the moment and not over analyze his motives for not introducing you.  Afterall, he introduced you to one of his female friends right?.

As women, we have a tendancy to overanalyze the men we are dating (online dating with at times and when we do it stokes up our "fears and insecurities".  Since your relationship (thru is pretty new you should just go with the flow without any expectations.  Keep busy with your own life when you are not together, so you don't spend time over analyzing his motives.  Switch things up, keep yourself busy and show him that he has to reserve a seat to in advance to get on your train.  This will make him more interested in finding out more about you which will eventually lead to introducing you to the people in his life. .

One more daughter began dating (online dating with someone at the beginning of the year - the relationship (thru is going extremely well and she has only just recently met his other friends and family.  So, sometimes it takes a six months or so before others are actually brought into the picture. .

If I were you I would relax and go with the flow and see where things take you.  The best way to proceed is to eliminate expectations right now and just enjoy getting to know him to see if he IS someone you want in your life.  Know what I mean?  It's all about perspective..

Hope this helps...

Comment #10

Hi Chi_tea08,  thank you for your input. I appreciate it. I have however, discovered that he is sleeping with someone else he is dating.  I am in my early 40's, as he is too. I perhaps don't understand how all of this 'dating' works. So the plot thickens...I am getting different advice from different friends. Some say just go with the flow, some say dump him.

He is just giving me mixed signals, so it gets confusing. This is where the actions speak louder than words comes in...I am just frustrated I guess. dating (online dating with at this point in my life is just that...frustrating!  Seems like most of this age group are just players!..

Comment #11

Had to chime in on this one...

I think if a man introduces you to his female friends and you are friendly with both him and her (I have situations like that), then it's ok. In the case where he is keeping it quiet that he hangs out with this other women and doesnt tell you, then something is up.

I have known a man for over 6 years who is supposed to be in some sort of relationship (thru with a woman for nearly 3. He is friendly with alot of women and is still emotionally attachmed to his ex wife. Some of his behavior, IMO, lacks in intergrity. He's spent time with me and "forgot" to mention it to her. He makes plans with me and other women when she is out of town or on one occasion, she was home sick. I don't like that.

She is also sort of "out" of the social circle we hang with. I have had to make a decision to distance myself from him. I do this for me not her. IMO..if there's any "hiding" something going on or "lying by omission", then something's not right.

I have learned too, if a man is really into you, he only wants to spend time with you. I watch couples all the time that I am friendly with. When the man is really into the woman, he doesnt want to spend time with other women alone.

You mentioned in your last post, he is supposively sleeping with someone else if I got that right? I am a BIG jealous box. I don't like sharing! lol..I wouldnt go for that. I would only do a friends thing with him until he got it together and definitely NO SEX..forget ain't get any from me...

Good luck..

Comment #12

In that case, I completely retract what I said in my precvious post...he is definitely a player.  I don't even think I would be friends with him or if I did remain friends with him I wouldn't respect him.  And I would tell him so too..

Sorry to hear this ivymoss.  Don't give up though...there are plenty of other fish in the sea.  Consider it a learning experience and move on.  Now you know what kind of signals to look for if a player crosses your path again. .

Good luck and stay strong..

Edited 9/7/2008 11:22 pm ET by chi_tea08..

Comment #13

I am currently in the same situation also it sounds like.  My b/f of 3 mths and I met in the hospital (both nurses).  Here is the thing..most nurses are all female.  We are talking about 90%.  Sooo he does have alot of female friends.  He talks to them through myspace, instant messaging, texting and on the phone I believe sometimes.  Since I have been in the pic. he has spent most of his time with me.  I realize the situation that I am is what it is.  At first it was very hard for me to hear him talk about this friend or that at work.  But then I realize he is just talking about work and related work issues like any other guy would.  I have like 2 guy friends I talk to once like every 3-6 mths. on the phone.  I do admit I am a little insecure about this-how would anyone not feel fully comfortably.  I don't think he would cheat on me or anything.  He is already telling me he loves me and throws statements about "a future" together.  I do get a jealous because of our situation I wont deny that-but then I say to myself now be rationale...

Comment #14

" I have however, discovered that he is sleeping with someone else he is dating. ".

Do you want an open relationship?  If not then you know what you have to do. By the way, I would tell a SO if I didnt want him being friends with a person if I felt that the person posed a danger to him or us...

Comment #15


<< " I have however, discovered that he is sleeping with someone else he is dating. " >>.

Right.  He is dating.  As he is dating (online dating with you.  Which is well-within his right if he is indeed 'just dating' you.   That doesnt make him a player necessarily.  He's only a player if he's telling you one thing but doing another (ie, telling you that you're the only one he's seeing, only one he's sleeping with but is indeed doing otherwise ... which is where the 'playing you' comes into play').

Its up to you to know your boundaries and what is best and right for you.  If dating (online dating with a guy who is dating (online dating with numerous other women and/or sleeping with other women doesn't sit well with you then ... it's up to you to take responsibility for your wants and needs.  It isn't up to him to conform with what you want or need.   He's doing what suits him.  You need to do the same.

<< Is it possible to be in a relationship (thru with a guy who insists on keeping many girl 'friends'??  >>.

Yes. It is possible.   However, again ... it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship.   And even if you were ... yes, people can have friends of the opposite sex,absolutely!   Being open and honest about it is key...

Comment #16

I would like to thank everyone for their responses and advice. It has helped a lot.  And really hit the nail on the head and have given me much to think about.  Thanks..

Comment #17

It depends.  Ia rhis a harem or women he's known for a while on a platonic level.  There are plenty of men who have female friends (my best friend is a guy, an ex yet, we've haven't had sex in 20 years, it's like brother and sister and our SOs understand this.  But there are also guys who can't just be friends with a female.  You have to judge who he is, his character, background, etc.


Comment #18

Yes, it's very possible.  Indeed my closest friend is a male - we dated years ago and decided we were better off as great platonic buddies.  Our significant others understand the relationship (thru isn't a threat.


Comment #19

Men and women can be platonic friends. Indeed it's great to have someone of the opposite sex with  whom to gain some understanding of the other sex. But yes, absolutely it is possible.


Comment #20

I have several male friends. A few of them are in relationships, others are not..

The thing is for me they are just my friends, I have figured that I am not physically attracted to them, and thus easier for me to just be friends..

Nothing more nothing less than that..

My one best guy friend, nada spark wise but we are the best of buds.  Further his girlfriend gets our relationship, and is totally fine with our friendship.  She has nothing to worry about because she has her man & I still have my friend...

Comment #21

I've never quite understood where this "men and women can't be friends" thing started, or how it continues on. Not every male/female relationship (thru is sexual, and in fact, most aren't. Neighbors, classmates, co-workers, men and women in similar situations dealing with similar problems begets friendships. I think people NEED friendships of both sexes in order to have a balance. I think people who object to male/female friendships are somehow insecure or jealous...

Comment #22

From someone who is a woman, me, most of my friends are men. My first best freind was a guy and so was my second. Now my bestest freinds are 2 women and about 4 men. The hard part is when my best friends who are guys and the one that isnt married get a GF. I do back way off.  I have met his HGF and she was fine with our friendship up till about a year ago. Now she is not she tinks we are having an ffair. Wellshe thinks hes having an affiar with lots of people.  But over all is it possable....very much so!!!!!!..

Comment #23

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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