Your question was: Does any one know how to erase a match.com profile?.
I can see why you are confused - you have painted a narrow picture of what the real deal MUST be like and you are so busy trying to control things that you are not enjoying life or the relationships you have. Physical intimacy is one thing - emotional intimacy is entirely another - and when you allow yourself to be emotionally intimate with someone, love grows. .
The 3rd guy - the one you say you have 'unhealthy' emotions for - I would bet my life this is the guy (or one like him) that is just what you need - in that you aren't in control. Guy 2 - he's the 'safe' guy - the one to 'settle' for because it doesn't require you getting out of your comfort zone to be in relationship (thru Match.com) for..
Love is not about controlling feelings or situations or opassions. In fact 'passion' is a key ingredient for long term compatibility. It seems to me that you don't feel safe exploring your passions with someone - are you afraid they will control you so this is why you control them?.
I may be off the mark - but as someone who has also tried very hard to 'control' how others love me and how I love others in the past, I suspect I'm close..
I think youwill find that the more you try to control your feelings and and how love should be, the more out of control and confused you will be. When you open yourself up to the fact that love is not a narrow picture or something to control you will find that you have a lot more options to be real with others and yourself.
Right now, you are not being truly 'intimate' with others as long as you are attempting to control how you feel or how they feel about you.
Being real is being intimate and being open. Truly being in control of your feelings means you allow yourself to FEEL them, you acknowledge them and respond in an appropriate manner. Hiding, denying or otherwise making your feelings 'bad' and something to be dismissed is not being who you are..
HOn, your confusion and inner conflict will disappear when you decide to be real with yourself and othres. It may be a good idea to work with a counselor to help understand why you are intellectualizing your emotions to this extreme - it is neither healthy or productive..
After reading your post all I can say is *holy crap!*. You have many complex and intense and deep thoughts and feelings going on right now about your love life that have to leave you exhausted and spent. My own personal feelings about love are very basic and primal compared to yours..
The question of "what is love?" has haunted humans from the beginning of time and is not likely to ever be answered in an objective enough way to satisfy everyones' needs and wants. What I mean is...wouldnt it be great to have a source that can define love for us? (that is what the self help books try to accomplish, yet dont) If it were so, then we could always pick up our handy source guide and try to match the variables of love or what we feel for a person to this guide. What is Love? What does love look like, smell like, sound like, touch like? For each of us...it is different. Unhealthy love seems to one that most can agree upon because it wears on the soul, mind and heart and is self-destructive..
In reading your different scenarios with each of the men you illustrated, one thing has become clear: .
1)you have a connection and attraction to #3.
2) Your ex husband deserved to be dumped.
3) To me, #2 sounds boring regardless of his qualifications for nesting - BUT - for some women - that means everything because what they seek most in life is financial and emotional security - which then creates a loving loyal feeling inside of them. .
4) you need to feel a pull sexually and emotionally in order to love - so having #2 as security would not appeal to you over time..
5) you need to stop lying in bed with men for the hell of it (naked or not) because one day you will encounter a man who will get angry that you are not having sex with him. I am not trying to pass judgment, but trying to turn on your danger switch to a behavior that could injure you one day..
As far as "seeking approval from men"...it sounds like someone put that thought in your head and confused you. We all want our SO to like us, love us and to feel proud to be with us. That is a normal feeling. I cant love a man unless I admire him. I feel that admiration is one of the characteristics of love, that the two admire each other...that fuels respect. Since we have been children we seek approval from our female friends and look to "belong" that is being humanas long as one does not sacrifice one's self and safety. Counselors may have a field day with this "approval" crap and psych people out about themselves. Men do it all the time..they seek approval and confirmation that they belong with their friends too. That is how humans socialize...and is not a negative unless taken to an extreme..
So maybe you are not drawn to people who you seek approval from...maybe it is the other way around..
It sounds like you feel more for #3 than you care to admit and maybe that love you feel for him is NOT unhealthy. What you need to do is to take that approval crap out of your mind and just know that his opinion of you means something to you...something important. As we grow older we stop caring about what people think of us and develop our own sense of self and feel confident as to who we are and what we stand for in life. Even though that emotional growth takes place, we still care about the opinions of our SO, our family, and so on because they touch our daily lives and they mean something to us..
What I dont understand is this "choosing to love" thing that everyone talks about...what is that? What does that concept mean? You dont choose to love someone. You either love him or you dont..
The answer to your original question is yes - one can have physical intimacy with a few men yet love none of them..
Edited 11/22/2007 7:04 pm ET by snafu2007..
You both said very similiar things so it is easier for me to just write one message. I don't know how the notifications on this board work though so I am going to post the same reply to both so that I know you will get it..
First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write such detailed replies. You are right, these thoughts are not healthy and they are not how I normally am which is why I made my post. I don't know how to shake them. I am intellectualizing my emotions indeed and yes I suppose trying to control them as well..
Just to clarify something...#2 is not a boring guy, there is just no spark with him in a romantic sense so a romantic life with him would be boring/non-passionate. #3 may be the one that I am most interested in but it is not right either for many reasons..
And I do not lie naked with random guys, I'm sorry if it came off that way and it is very kind of you to remind me that wouldn't be a safe habit! I do however regularly cuddle (clothed) or sleep over (non-sexually) with two of these close guy friends and there is no sexual tension...it is just nice for both of us I think to be able to have that human touch when you are single in a society where it is considered inappropriate to be so close to someone that is not your sexual partner..
Mostly though I just talked about them to demonstrate my messed up emotions at the moment..
One part of all this that I just can't sort out is what I was saying about seeking approval. This, btw, is not something someone said or I read anywhere. Infact I have tried to find info in a book and have not been able to. This is something I realized in myself. I seem to be only really attracted to guys that I feel are less interested in me. It's the whole thrill of the chase in a way except the feelings of insecurity and needing to win his approval continue in the relationship.
It seems unhealthy to me to constantly be at a level where I am always striving to prove how awesome I am to my partner, especially since I am a fairly confident person and would rate myself a solid 8 out of 10...loosing 2 points for my insecurities around approaching strangers (ie if I see someone on the bus I really want to talk or if I'm at a house party and want to make friends with someone I am too scared to approach them alone)..
It bothers me that I am making such a big deal out of all of this because I never have before. I've always just blazed through life taking what comes at me. It seems now though that I meet guys I am interested in and I do not seem important to them at all and so I have been pushing feelings away and just "playing it cool" so to speak as well because I can not act on my emotions. I never experienced this before, I dated each guy I felt a connection with because they felt it too. But it seems as though the men I am meeting now that I am older are too wrapped up in their own lives to be willing to sacrifice any of their time or activities to make a girl important. Obviously there are men out there around my age that are willing to do this but they are not the ones I am being attracted to. Either way I don't like feeling this forelorn or pessimistic about something that I used to consider a grand adventure...
Lol - you sound much like me - I've breezed through life so to speak, dealing with what comes along too, mostly alone. The relationships I've had in the past were rarely 'equal' sharing but they served a need for connection and companionship - though not always in good ways. I know I need deeper connections than many of my relationships have been and some of my friendships.
A number of years back, after a difficult breakup - I was forced to deal with some long ignored emotions. I got into counseling for a while and that helped me break through a lot of things that had been keeping me from being fully happy or open with others. Life is a constant learning experience and I get new ones all the time.
ANyhoo, when I started looking at what wasn't working - my relationships with men - then it was easier to grow and change. I have and still can, keep people at a distance - for me, it's learned behavior from growing up in an alcoholic household. I have no problems trusting people in general or letting them into my inner world - however, with men I feel great passion for, yes, I do still feel those old wounds from time to time. And even though I KNOW they are old wounds I'm feeling, I sometimes still react to them. My current SO and I have had some issues that we both have to work through - not perfect but getting there. Intellectualizing emotions makes it easier to keep people from knowing the real me - but that cheats both of us. I've done this with him a few times, and good for him for calling me on it.
My suggestion to you is - you see your actions and behaviors as not conducive to the kind of loving intimate relationships you'd like but you don't know what to do differently. try counseling or a life coach for a while. They can help you get through the places you feel stuck at. We all get stuck sometimes - the challenge is to not remain stuck when you don't have to..
If that doesn't work for you, then there are some very good books out there that involve dealing with your inner child and wounds to help you build intimacy with others. One book by Harvelle Hendrix is called "Keeping the love you find" - this is a tough book - because it touches on some very raw wounds that most of us try hard to ignore. Joyce Meyer also has a book call 'approval Addiction' or something like that that may be helpful. (I really like her!). I also like Dr. Phil - even though you have confidence in other areas, not having confidence in your ability to relate effectively can affect your self esteem.
Hon, intimacy - both physical and emotional is what we all crave to be happy and healthy. You recognize that you have some problems with the emotional intimacy. Do the work within - your inner child, your heart - and you will be able to have what you want in your relationships.
There are many available resources for you - find one that works and start building up the part of you that you've let slide. .
<< Infact I have tried to find info in a book and have not been able to. This is something I realized in myself. I seem to be only really attracted to guys that I feel are less interested in me. It's the whole thrill of the chase in a way except the feelings of insecurity and needing to win his approval continue in the relationship. >>.
You don't need to look to a book ... you only need to look within yourself ... particularly your upbringing, your home life as a child/teenager. Not meaning to sound all 'armchair psychologist' about it .. but, our past programming can shed a lot of light on present POVs and why we are the way we are. .
Also, not sure how old you are now ... but, I dont think it's all that uncommon for women in their 20s to experience the "I'm only attracted to guy that are less interested in me" syndrome. And that is simply because you're not truly ready for the type of relationship (thru Match.com) that combines all the elements ... intimacy, passion, and commitment. You may really want it ... but for that to happen ... you have to be ready, willing and able ... wanting it, the desire for it because you know what "it" is ... that isn't enough. And if you were ready for it, you wouldn't still be all that interested in the thrill of the chase. .
Believe me, as a 37 y/o women, that gets old ... it really does ... there will come a time in your life where that type of validation seeking and "wanting what I can't have" will no longer be appealing. You're just not there yet ... so, in the meatime, keep working on yourself and being happy with yourself and your life ... and when the time is right for the RIGHT guy ... you'll know it. .
Check out this reading below, too ... it's known as a triangulation theory ... and I certainly believe it to be true ... and I think as you read it ... you will be able to 'fit' these relationships you're having right now into some of these categories ... and it may help define things for you a bit:.
Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment Combinations.
Within a relationship (thru Match.com) over time, and in different relationships, the dimensions of love may vary in intensity. Differing levels of passion, emotional intimacy and commitment should result in different experiences of love. Below you will find general descriptions of what love may be like for different combinations of passion, emotional intimacy and commitment.
High Passion, Low Emotional Intimacy and Commitment. This is typically what we think of as "Love at First Sight". It's very intense... almost an obsession. You can't get the person out of your thoughts. You long to be near themto touch themto merge with them.
You are experiencing lots of physical arousal. This type of love produces extremes in highs and lows. If the other person feels the same, then you're on top of the world. However, if the person shows signs of not feeling the same way, you may experience the depths of despair. You may not know the person very well.
High Emotional Intimacy, Low Passion and Commitment. This is what we typically think of as friendship. You genuinely like the person and can talk to them about anything. Feelings of closeness, friendship, warmth, and caring will tend to predominate. You trust them and care about them, but it doesn't have the intensity of passion. There is also not much emphasis on commitment to maintain the relationship (thru Match.com) long-term; if circumstances change (such as changing jobs or moving to another city), the relationship (thru Match.com) may fade into the background.
High Commitment, Low Passion and Emotional Intimacy. Depending on the culture, this may describe the terminal stage of a relationship (thru Match.com) or the beginning of a relationship. In cultures where one's partner is selected for you, the relationship (thru Match.com) begins based on commitment. Passion and emotional intimacy may develop later. In cultures where people select their partners based on love, it's likely that a commitment-only relationship (thru Match.com) has lost the passion and/or emotional intimacy it once had. For whatever reasons (financial, children, etc), you are committed to staying in a relationship (thru Match.com) where you feel little passion toward you partner, and little emotional intimacy.
High Emotional Intimacy and Commitment, and low(er) Passion. This is what we typically think of as a "best friends" type love. It's the kind of love we might tend to find in long term relationships. You genuinely like the person and can talk to them about anything. Feelings of closeness, friendship, warmth, and caring will tend to predominate. You trust them and care about them, but it doesn't have the intensity of passion that it used to have.
High Passion and Emotional Intimacy, low(er) Commitment. This is typically what we think of as "Romantic Love". You are drawn to your partner both physically and emotionally. This type of love shares the arousal and intensity of a passion based relationship, but differs in that there is more emotional intimacy. You love your partner for who they are, not because of who you think they are. You trust your partner and feel emotionally close to him or her.
You experience strong surges of passion when you share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. You haven't reached the point of making a commitment to stay together yet, but it's likely that if the relationship (thru Match.com) continues and remains fulfilling for both partners, then commitment will occur.
High Passion and Commitment, Low(er) Emotional Intimacy. This is typically what we think of as a whirlwind romance. It tends to start out with love at first sight and then soon after (before the partners know each other well), they commit to a long term relationship. It's very intensealmost an obsession. You can't get the person out of your thoughts. You long to be near themto touch themto merge with them.
You experience lots of physical arousal and extreme highs in the beginningyou just *know* that they're the one for youa match made in heaven. The problem is, you don't know who your partner is! If you get lucky, you've jumped into a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone who is compatible and over time (before the passion wears off) emotional intimacy will develop and you'll find that you are compatible. If you're not so lucky, you may find that as you get to know your partner as a person (rather than who you think they are) you might not like what you find. If you and your partner aren't compatible, then emotional intimacy can't develop. Then when the passion wears off, all that's left is commitment..
High Passion, Emotional Intimacy and Commitment. This is what we typically think of as our goal a relationship (thru Match.com) that is passionate, emotionally intimate and committed. You are "in love" with your partnerthe passion is definitely there, and you like them as a person. You communicate well and your communication with your partner enhances your feelings of closeness and your passion. You share feelings of closeness, friendship, warmth, and caring. You are committed to making the relationship (thru Match.com) lastdoing things to nurture the relationship (thru Match.com) and protect it from harm.
The partners should be willing to depend on each other and feel secure that each will be loyal to each other and to the relationship.
First of all, dont beat yourself up because you intellectualized your emotions. I dont feel that what you are doing is unhealthy...unless...you stay there. When one intellectualizes emotions that is your mind trying to figure out what the heck is really going on. It is automatic...and eventually your emotions should return to normal..
I dont mean to insult you in regards to #2, so I hope you are not offended..
"society where it is considered inappropriate to be so close to someone that is not your sexual partner"> I consider it inappropriate to do that with someone with whom you are not sexually involved - especially if you are naked. I would consider a guy doing that to me to be a tease if he is not willing to have sex with me. For now I know you are physically safe, but one day it could result in a rape. Thank you for not taking me the wrong way. So just please keep that in mind. I cant understand how women feel safe doing that..I wouldnt..
"I seem to be only really attracted to guys that I feel are less interested in me. It's the whole thrill of the chase in a way except the feelings of insecurity and needing to win his approval continue in the relationship. I have lots of friends in loving equal relationships and I tend to be bored when I meet someone like this."> oh, okay, this is very different than seeking approval. The thrill of the chase is important to some women...not to me. I like things simple but I dont like a doormat - someone more moderate..
"I have lots of friends in loving equal relationships and I tend to be bored when I meet someone like this."> Maybe one day you'll meet someone who is a hybrid of the two types and it will be the perfect fit for you. I thought I finally found one for me, but I was wrong and now I'm broken hearted..
"But it seems as though the men I am meeting now that I am older are too wrapped up in their own lives to be willing to sacrifice any of their time or activities to make a girl important.">I know how you feel. It seems that the prime time to meet men was in college because life was easier and men were more open. Now that we are older and with very busy lives it is more difficult to find that time, especially if the guy is divorced with kids. The phrase "time starved" is perfect for our society...