Your question was: Do you think that sites like match.com and eharmony are worth it?.
I am sort of going through the exact same thing. Spending lots of time together, talking everyday, and we both have kids so where we are getting this extra time, I don't know. (I am staying up later than usual...)Anyway, I know how you feel. I sometimes think this is all too much too soon. I have sort of (wimpily)voiced my concern about how intense this is so quickly. Right now is especially hard since I am a teacher and we have a nearly two week break, so he knows I have a lot of free time.
I have told him that it is all going so well, it's so easy, no drama, and he agrees. Scares the crap out of me. Some will say you must slow down, some people think you have to know someone for x amount of years, months, etc. in order for it to be real. My mom has a friend who married her husband six weeks after meeting him, and they are still married 35 years later.
So my advice would be as long as you are happy, not stressed, and not dramatic, enjoy it and see what happens...
Thank you so much for the insight...it's good to know that others struggle with this as well. Do you find that you have a problem even knowing when you need a breather? ...and also do you fear that taking a breather will negatively affect the relationship?..
My experience has been that the relationships I've been in that started off fast and furiously crashed and burned spectacularly and painfully, while the ones that developed more slowly ended up being better relationships (and less stressful)even if they didn't work out, there wasn't nearly as much pain or drama when they ended..
So now I really try to pace myself because I know it's better for me in the long run. Rather than making a new relationship (thru Match.com) the focus of my life, I add it to my life, and limit the amount of time we spend together to 1-2 times a week at first, then 2-3 times a week. Any more than that and I lose myself. You need to go with what works best for you of course but after much painful experience that's what I find works best for me..
I've also found that men who want to take things very fast can have a fantasy view of relationships so that's something I keep firmly in my mind also. They think of someone new as "perfect" and want to spend all their time with you, but then once reality intrudes (and it always does), they get disillusioned and move on. So keep in mind that TIME WILL TELL and that it takes a good 4-6 months of dating (online dating with Match.com) to really have a good sense of what the other person is truly like and whether the two of you are potentially a good match..
Yes, this makes a lot of sense to me and rings true...And yes, I keep telling myself, time will tell. There's something about the current interaction between him and I that I keep feeling is simply unsustainable. But part of me thinks this is the fun and the *shinniness* of a new relationship (thru Match.com) and I should bask in it and enjoy it for what it is. But then part of me wants to protect myself...because it can't continue like this....
Also, there is a part of this that is a bit unusual. Although we only live about 45 minutes apart, which is kind of a pain. He has a job that takes him out of the country for 6-8 weeks about 4 times per year. I know from my own experience that when there is a looming "break" (e.g. gone for 2 months), it's pretty easy to get into it to this degree since there is obviously a break, thus unsustainable...perhaps..
Edited 12/27/2008 7:55 pm ET by luky4elle..
Rather than making a new relationship (thru Match.com) the focus of my life, I add it to my life, and limit the amount of time we spend together to 1-2 times a week at first, then 2-3 times a week. Any more than that and I lose myself..
I'm just curious, when do you feel it's the right time to share your life? A question I ask myself...how do I do that and not loose myself? It's what I ultimately want, to share my life, but seems like a puzzle that needs to be solved. Maybe it's not that complex...but I don't know...
The way I look at relationships is this - each relationship (thru Match.com) has it's own rhythm and to disturb the rhythm destroys the connection. For instance - when I met my first ex husband we were together pretty much all the time and we both threw ourselves into it and there was no talk or concern about balance, or holding back or..whatever. .
My friends at the time didnt like it and I really didnt care what they thought about it or him or anything because they responded out of jealousy. One friend pretty much admitted it by saying that she was used to me being there all the time for her and now that was gone. She used to call my house constantly when he was there and eventually I took my phone off the hook so I didnt have to deal with her. I'd hang up the phone and then the minute I hung it up the phone rang and she would get ticked that she couldnt speak to me. In the end I never invited her to our wedding. Another friend told me that after our divorce I became my "old self" again - that I became lost into him - such bullcrap coming from a woman who only obsessed CONSTANTLY about not having a relationship (thru Match.com) herself and now I hope she ends up in jail for what she conspired to do with me with other people in Ny..
On to the second exhusband. That rhythm was very different because we only wanted to spend a couple of nights a week with each other and the feeling was mutual and that worked for us at that time. .
If situation and the respective parties' mental and emotional states mesh well - then the relationship (thru Match.com) should just remain on autopilot otherwise that unique rhythm is lost...
What do you mean by sharing your lifeas in marriage or living together, or in spending all your time together? Not sure I can answer the question unless I am clear on what you're asking..
I personally wouldn't want to be joined at the hip 24/7 with anyone...so that's not something I'm working towards in a relationship. But that may not be what you mean....
That's a good point, I'm not completely sure what I mean by that but when I think of sharing my life with someone I think of waking up in the mornings and going to bed in the evenings with the person, there's work, other plans with family and friends, but generally spending most time together, weekends together whatever the plans, ...I don't want to completely loose myself in the process. I know what you mean, being joined at the hip 24/7 isn't necessarily ideal for me either, but part of what I look forward to in a relationship (thru Match.com) is building a life with someone else.....
I think it makes a lot of sense to let the natural rhythm flow. The only reason I've been questioning it has been that I think I'm having a bit of difficulty assessing whether or not I am doing ok with the pace or if I'm just not wanting to rock the boat since I adore this guy so much. Every minute we spend together is wonderful...really!.
I tend to be a person who is very intune with others' needs and will even tend to put them before my own if not remindful to myself of this. This is a character trait that I am proud of in some sense, but also something I remind myself about to keep my needs in the front of my mind and high (1st) on my list. Sometimes it gets hard to tell if my needs are what the other person needs. Weird, I suppose. Needless to say, if gone unchecked, I can easily get run-down, ...tired, hungry, unclear.....
So, I'm trying to work on that, I suppose. Finding the right balance for me between us-time and me-time...
I wouldn't start spending most of my time with someone for at least 6 months (because as I mentioned previously, I think it takes at least that amount of time to really start to get to know someone to see if you're possibly compatible)...and even then, I'd integrate them slowly from 2-3 times a week to more. I just think it's so important to maintain a balance of doing things on your own with friends, having a night or 2 a week to yourself, etc...and that's especially true if you know that you tend to over-give and lose yourself..
There is no harm whatsoever in seeing them less in the beginning..
In fact, I think it's good. It gives both of you time to "miss" each other and evaluate your feelings. Especially for men. If you go too fast or don't give them time to miss you, you can ruin it all. And time away from him will also have him value you MORE..
You wouldn't be posting this if you weren't somewhat uncomfortable. Why not cut back? Make a point of keeping your life and activities you had before and put a limit on the days/nights to be with him...like three nights a week. .
Believe me...unless there is little intimacy at all...a man will not leave you because you dont' want to spend 24/7 with him..
" but also something I remind myself about to keep my needs in the front of my mind and high (1st) on my list. Sometimes it gets hard to tell if my needs are what the other person needs. Weird, I suppose. Needless to say, if gone unchecked, I can easily get run-down, ...tired, hungry, unclear....".
If you are tired, hungry and need just to chill for a while you need to speak up. If he cares for you he will understand that you need more down time than he does and accomodate you. If you need me-time then you'll probably have to let him know that - so that you can recharge whether it is spending time just taking care of your errands, chores, just watching tv, reading a book, etc. Everyone is different - he may need less of that time to himself..
I'm in a situation where once I can rid myself of the legal problems that surround me I will be able to freely (allegedly) walk the earth again and in my heart I want to party party party - but I can see that I tire more easily now because of the last 7 years of my life. Hopefully I can ramp things up slowly to wear I dont tire just from talking to a person for a couple of hours or run errands for a couple of hours. I used to be able to run from morning til night and feel fine. I will have to speak up if I feel tired or need to just chill for some time should I date using Match.com someone or even just socialize with people in general...