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My first question is: Do you know anyone who has had a successful relationship from Match.com?.

My next question is:                 I am in a relationship (thru Match.com) that has an end date using Match.com of the Beginning of January, My boyfriend travels for work, he is gone for 3 weeks now, and will be home for the holidays then leavening for 10 to 11 months.  We will be able to talk occasionally but not see each other for that time.  He wants to return to me after that time and try and start where we left off.  We are best friends but have only known each other for about 6 months and have only been together for 3 months.  When he leaves we will maintain the friendship but we are not doing a LDR, there will be no commitments and no promises.  That is my choice.  We have talked about all this and he will comply unwillingly but in turn wants me to keep an open mind about him returning to see me at the end of next year.  He hopes we can start things up again and if so he will adjust his career to stay with me.  I feel we are in love, but my view is more realistic than his.  I know this sounds cold of me but I truly feel that people can change and not feel the same after so long a separation.  I wish I could be all hopeful for a happy ending but I feel there is no why to see that far ahead.  We are divided on this, but are not putting ourselves in an unmanageable situation, and are willing to have an end date using Match.com so that we can enjoy all the time we have left before he needs to leave..

                Now my problem! There is an acquaintance of ours who works in my boyfriends field, he has known this person longer than I have, and they are currently working in the same state.  This person has become a little intrigued by me, and on a few social outings with my boyfriend we have traveled in the same circles, there is a very strong physical draw between me and this person, best description Sexual Tension.  There was one incident when we were all (about 10 or so of us) out together and I ended up slow dancing with this person a few times out of social politeness.  That is as far as anything went.  With a large group of them traveling to the same place and socializing after work, there have been occasions where I have talked to a few of them on my boyfriends phone, as well as this person.  All conversation was friendly and none intrusive.  But this person called me directly twice now. The 1st time was to see how I was, very non intrusive and somewhat caring, I was polite but something about this made me slightly cool and only responded with short replies.  I can still feel the draw over the phone.  The 2nd was much more direct; he wanted to let me know he was interested and that he couldnt stop thinking about me ever since we danced.  I very firmly told him that I was with someone, reiterated that he knew this person, and very directly turned him down.  He wants to get a hold of me after New Years.  I told him that he needs to stop any outside communication with me, and that he needs to stop any pursuit of me.  He said he will, for now.  He said I could not deny the fact that we are so drawn to each other that we can tell when the other person is even in the vicinity.  Also that he will give me all the time and space I need for now, and to decide what I plan on doing after January, but then he wants to have a one on one chat with me about our attraction..

                Wow, ok there is defiantly a very strong attraction here, we seem to gravitate toward each other in social situations, and we have very good discussions, yet have not crossed any lines until he made that second phone call.  I am torn between wanting him to show up after Jan and wanting him to stay far far away.  The fact that he made that call puts me off a little because he is actively pursuing someone who is involved and he knows it.  But on the other hand how gutsy is it to lay it all out there and make yourself very venerable to this person you are pursuing..

                What would be the correct thing to do?  Is it wrong of me to keep this to myself, or should I tell my boyfriend about the situation and that I coldly turned him down.  If I was in a committed relationship (thru Match.com) that didnt have an expiration date, this situation would be simple, I would tell my boyfriend everything and end all possible contact with the other person.  But this relationship (thru Match.com) does have an End Date.  Is it morally wrong for me to assume that this is over and taken care of, and only worry if he continues to pursue me?  Should I tell my boyfriend now?  Or wait for a recurrence, which may only happen after he is already gone.  Is it wrong for me to want to avoid the added drama and aggravation between me and my boyfriend for our last few weeks together?  Or am I being selfish and leaving that outside attraction open for exploration after January?.

 .

Would love any feedback, good or bad, please help..

TLC..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Do you know anyone who has had a successful relationship from Match.com?.

Most of us can't see what the future will bring - but if you are focused on what kind of life you want for yourself - and that includes relationships and you remain steadfast in pursuing those goals without haveing a set expectation of it being 'this' or 'that' way (people in particular) then you allow the right people, opportunities and situations into your life.

1st - it's ok to allow the possibility of resuming a realtionship at a later date using Match.com when timing is better while each of you pursuing your life goals in teh meantime. the key is to not postpone or deny things that you want because of that relationship, i.e., you live life as if there is no future between you and make plans for the only life you have, your own.  You don't stand in teh way of each others happiness..

2nd - it's also ok that the other man let you know his interest while you are currently involved. this happens often - men who know what they want are intentional and deliberate - but they are also respectful of your wishes in the meantime. .

You are putting the cart before the horse on this and worrying about 'what if's. If you are not involved with anyone - and you've agreed that there will be no ties once your BF leaves, then you are free to date using Match.com whomever you please. Why do you have concern about that? No ties, means no ties.  the other man may never contact you again. You may not even decide to date using Match.com him should he ask. You might meet someone else entirely inteh meantime. Worrying over things you can't predict is counterproductive.

Hon, some relationships have limited time frames - and that is perfectly ok - the person served their purpose in our life and moved on. Its ok to not know that you want a future with someone you will not see for a year. Its ok if you do. What you do in the meantime, is simply continue to live life and spend it doing things you enjoy and with people you like. What is meant for you will not pass you by. Worry is choosing to live in the future in conflict and fear - dealing with things as they come along is living in the NOW and you get to choose what is best based on what you want in life.

Toni..

Comment #1

"I know this sounds cold of me but I truly feel that people can change and not feel the same after so long a separation."> yes, that is true for some people .

Since you will be in a relationship (thru Match.com) where there are no commitments, why not date using Match.com another person?  The problem lies with this mutual acquaintance. I'm sure if your BF didnt know him then it wouldnt be a big deal..

This is what I would do if I were in your shoes:  I would let the holidays come and go (as well as your BF) and then meet with this other guy to have your conversation.  Until that time...I wouldnt speak to him or see him.  I would also not say anything to your BF about this other guy's interest in you...for now.  Sometimes people get heated up about another person and it ends up being temporary.  See if you still feel the same about him after your soon-to-be ex boyfriend leaves. .

"The fact that he made that call puts me off a little because he is actively pursuing someone who is involved and he knows it."> I know...it is a little unnerving.  Does he know that you and your BF will be apart next year and that you will not have a commitment during that time?  If he does know, maybe that is why he made his move...

Comment #2

Does he know that you and your BF will be apart next year and that you will not have a commitment during that time?  Yes, he does know.  He also knows that I am the one setting the end date, and the only thing predetermined after that is that I be open to him coming to see me at the end of his time away.  Apparently, me being "cold, insensitive, and emotionless" to quote the other women in this little group (I think it is using common sense and being able to face reality), has been a topic of gossip. Luckily I could care less about the gossip, they aren't me and they bare no weight on my decisions.  If they did I would act like them and cry, beg, and play the helpless female who's BF is leaving them.  It's not my style..

Until that time...I wouldnt speak to him or see him.  Yes, that was my thinking also.  Unfortunately my BF had him call me yesterday afternoon.  I think these guys get closer when they travel together and maybe that will eliminate the issue.  He was very respectful when he called.  I of course misjudged the reason for his call right up front, and started with "Listen, I am" he cut me off and said that was not why he was calling, that he would wait patiently for the right time for that and proceeded to tell me the reason for his call.  I should not have to worry about seeing him, that is one good thing.  But I know he will be back after the holidays..

Sometimes people get heated up about another person and it ends up being temporary.  I somewhat hope you are right about this, but from the conversation I had with him when he informed me of his interest, it has been going on for about a month and a half.  And I am sceptical because he has been very adamant about being willing to wait until after the holidays.  What is worse is that I have on occasion thought about him since our first meeting, and each time I see or talk to him it would get worse.  I use to just chalk it up to a little side fantasy, but after his admission of interest that changed my thinking.  And to be honest even though the phone call yesterday afternoon was not about us in any way and very short, polite and to the point; hearing his voice made me grin and want to talk to him longer.  I refrained of course.  It would probably be good if he would meet someone else and get distracted from any thought of me..

 .

In response to tonitoons:.

"You are putting the cart before the horse on this and worrying about 'what if's."  You are right.  I just have a habit of addressing every situation with a solution as soon as I know it exist instead of waiting till the last minute and shooting from the hip.  I have a job that everything seems to be a hot issue that pops up and needs solved fast, so when I can spend some time processing an issue early and coming up with a well thought out calculated decision I tend to do so..

Thank you both for the advise, I really appreciate the outside input..

TLC..

Comment #3

<<I just have a habit of addressing every situation with a solution as soon as I know it exist instead of waiting till the last minute and shooting from the hip.  I have a job that everything seems to be a hot issue that pops up and needs solved fast, so when I can spend some time processing an issue early and coming up with a well thought out calculated decision I tend to do so.>>.

Ahh - but this is the beauty of life - sometimes there is no clear beginning, middle or end. Sometimes you can't figure things out because all the pieces aren't in place and sometimes, you just have to watch teh play all teh way to the last scene in order to know the ending.  You can't 'solve' issues that have not come up and always focusing on what ifs just keeps you from enjoying today..

Relax and trust that all is as it should be and that you will know what to do when it's time to address that particular thing. You can't do it all beforehand..

Toni..

Comment #4

 I agree with tonitoons and snafu..

 From reading your post you sound like a very mature and capable woman. The fact that you drew boundaries is a very smart thing to do. I just hope that you don't 'wait' around passively, while this guy is out doing his thing..

 As far as his friend. Why wouldn't you allow him into your life? To deny this, is to deny your nature as a woman. You're going to be 'single', he's into you, so why wouldn't you want to go along with it. Frankly, I like the guy that was honest with you. That takes balls and I'm glad that he stepped up to the plate. The fact that you fantasize about him gives all the more reason to NOT deny him, after you b/f leaves you..

 I hope that you will go for it, and satiate your needs, even after your 'b/f' leaves. You owe it to yourself to be happy. If your current b/f really respects you as a woman, he'll understand this..

 Good luck, Shadow..

 Z..

Comment #5

PROBLEM UPDATE.

Ok, well some things occurred (not bad) while he is away and we had a long talk and are no longer "exclusive" or have any promises.  This was mutual and it was the best thing for both of us.  He still wants to spend the rest of the holidays with me and I feel the same.  But it has been decided that we are both better off not being committed to each other right now.  So I am free, so to speak.  Still not planning to go out with anyone else but it takes the pressure off, especially knowing he is leaving anyway.  Makes things less intense, more relaxed, and hopefully we will have more fun when he gets back..

Have not heard from the acquaintance since the requested phone call, but that is good for now, HOPE that changes later..

New question.... Why is it that when you are involved with someone that seems to be the exact time you get ask out the most?  2 more guys approached me once my BF left the area and I was out at some of our regular haunts alone and before we had our "not committed" conversation.  I have had at least 5 times as many request for dates since getting involved.  Once when with my BF from a guy I knew for years, while we were at my fav bar (best friends w/bartender).  But when I was not dating (online dating with Match.com) anyone, the request were few and far between.  What is this phenomenon?.

Oh well it will stop now that I am not really committed any longer, that seems to be the pattern.  It's all good!!!!.

TO Z:  I am defiantly going to go for it, if he comes back around and is still interested.  Plus some other guys have been showing up at my fav Bar when they know I will be stopping by.  When I don't show on schedule they ask the bartender when I will be in so they can stop back latter.  So it sounds like I should be able to keep myself occupied regardless.  A little self-esteem, ego boost flirting never hurt anyone. .

Thanks for the advice..

TLC..

Comment #6

"hearing his voice made me grin and want to talk to him longer." awww, it sounds like you are interested in this guy and he is interested in you.  Sounds like something could take off from this.  Why do you wish he would get interested in someone else?  Too complicated?.

"Apparently, me being "cold, insensitive, and emotionless" to quote the other women in this little group (I think it is using common sense and being able to face reality), has been a topic of gossip."  > people like to gossip and hopefully this guy doesnt listen to any of it...

Comment #7

It sounds like you are okay with this new development.  I dont know about this "when it rains it pours" but it does seem to happen to people...not me though.  Enjoy it while you can, hehe..

Just a word of caution...if you dont mind...try to not bring new guys to your fav bar just yet.  Bartender knows current BF and it just feels a little cramped...if you know what I mean.  Try to go to new places together so that you can both have new experiences...more exciting and fun that way too..

If you plan on dating (online dating with Match.com) the acquaintance...then you do risk losing this guy who is leaving for most of the year.  Sometimes guys dont like dating (online dating with Match.com) a woman who has dated a friend or an acquaintance to the social group.  So...you do have something to think about.  If your BF would change his job to spend more time with you...why hasn't he done it already? Just a question.  That is something he needs to think about and do for himself..because you matter to him.  I like to tell a guy that I would love the change...but he needs to do it because he wants me in his life and not because I asked him...only because in this situation...that type ofrequest could backfire on a woman and that is not a simple request...

Comment #8

Just a word of caution...if you dont mind...try to not bring new guys to your fav bar just yet.  Bartender knows current BF and it just feels a little cramped...if you know what I mean.  Try to go to new places together so that you can both have new experiences...more exciting and fun that way too..

Great advice!  If I do date using Match.com the new guy, I usually try and travel more, split some of the time between my preferred spots and his.  I tend to only go to my fav as a starting or stopping point to hook up with someone when in a dating situation because my best friend (bartender) is the one who knows where I am and who I'm with so she would know if anything was off or not right (safety first), specially with someone new.  Your right it's just more fun to find new cool places and things to do when with someone, you can learn more about them more quickly..

If you plan on dating (online dating with Match.com) the acquaintance...then you do risk losing this guy who is leaving for most of the year..

This next big job for him would put him in a position financially and career wise where he would have better options and be more free to make changes without sacrificing his career.  That I understand!  I would not change my career situation for anyone and I feel I can not put requests on anyone to change anything about there's.  I would support whatever choice someone thought was best for them.  But would not even suggest that they change something that would be for my benefit..

As far as running the risk of loosing him due to who I may date using Match.com in the mean time, well that would be a consequence I would have to live with.  I guess the reason I am more free in my thinking after the leaving date using Match.com is because I am not very optimistic about what would happen between us when we got a chance to get reacquainted.  I just feel to strongly about people changing and growing over time and the fact that we will already be separated makes me belive we will grow further apart not closer.  I have to admit that the romantic idea of a big separation and the amazing reunion sound a little to storybook for me.  He is more the one with his head in the clouds on this than I am.  He knows where I stand, he just has convinced himself that when he can get back to me, he can get me back.  Again he knows my position and we have discussed it in depth, he just wants what he wants so I have agreed to be a little bit open minded to the idea.  We have both agreed that regardless we don't want to loose the friendship over this..

I feel I would rather take the chance of finding someone who makes me truly happy in the moment, rather than pass all the opportunities by for something that may never happen in the future.  I can't and have never been able to pass by the chance of maybe a very good thing just to play things safe, weather it be my emotions at risk or something that is a future if.  I am willing to make my choices and live with the consequences..

TLC..

Comment #9

It sounds like you have your act together so enjoy your men! .

Your BF's new position sounds like it will end up benefiting both of you =).

"I just feel to strongly about people changing and growing over time and the fact that we will already be separated makes me belive we will grow further apart not closer.  I have to admit that the romantic idea of a big separation and the amazing reunion sound a little to storybook for me.  He is more the one with his head in the clouds on this than I am.".

I totally understand where you are coming from.  I am not a head in clouds person myself, but it was once nice to believe that love could conquer all.  But that is not true.  I guess some people want to create drama.  I am not saying your BF is a drama king, but to intentionally create space and then try to create a fantasy in one's mind that it will be like the movies is creating drama around something where there should NEVER be any drama - it could wreck an otherwise good relationship (thru Match.com) - but that doesnt sound like your BF...it sure does sound like other men though..

 "He knows where I stand, he just has convinced himself that when he can get back to me, he can get me back.  Again he knows my position and we have discussed it in depth, he just wants what he wants so I have agreed to be a little bit open minded to the idea.  We have both agreed that regardless we don't want to loose the friendship over this.".

My oh my...your BF sure is confident about being able to get you back isnt he?  I wouldnt be so arrogant to attempt to pull something off like that...but maybe it is because I am a woman and men compute these situations differently..

For me, I feel strongly that if a guy really wants you...deep down wants you...then he doesnt take a chance in losing you - career issues are different and do warrant an open mind especially when you are in your 20's.  I have watched too many women and men fall into this trap where they "end up" with someone just because circumstances found them available...instead of *making* themselves available to the one person who they say they love.  I'm all about actions..and consequences.  And I know that if I let something or someone *go* then I dont deep down want/need them as bad as I thought I did...and I want a guy to want/need me deep down. .

Have a great holiday!..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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