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Dinner with an Ex?

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I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) my wonderful sweet loyal loving boyfriend for two years and we have a really great relationship. We are even talking about taking the next step (engagement) in the next six months or so. It is a long distance relationship (thru Match.com) but we see each other 2-3 times a month and talk every day. Well, I got a call today from an ex-boyfriend from five years ago who I have remained friends with over the years. The ex lives on the opposite coast but has a house in the city I live it too, so we catch up 3-4 times a year. He is going to be in town for a few days and wants to go to dinner and catch up in person since we haven't seen each other in almost two years.

I know in my mind my ex and I are just friends and my much-loved boyfriend has nothing to worry about. And I would love to catch up with my ex and hear how several very interesting things have been going in his life. But I also know if the shoe were on the other foot I might be uncomfortable if my boyfriend went out with his ex to dinner. The big catch is my ex is a bit of a celebrity and right now he is top of career (currently on all those tabloid TV shows and in lots of magazines). At what point do you say "I am not married yet, this is just a friend, I am free to enjoy time with friends without guilt" versus "I love and respect my boyfriend so I will cut certain people/friends from my past out of my life that would make him feel uncomfortable and focus on our future"?..

Comments (8)

Your question was: Dinner with an Ex?.

Well, for me personally, that day would never come, nor would I expect it to come for my SO/spouse. I wouldn't abandon a friend who happened to be an ex and anyone I was involved with would have to respect that about me (and I'm talking about situations like yours where you truly are platonic friends, nothing more, and neither person still has romantic feelings for the other).So I would gono question about it, and I wouldn't have a problem if my SO were to do the same thing. But, given that you would be uncomfortable if your BF were to have dinner with a friend who happened to be an ex, then I guess you have to live by the behavior you'd expect from him.Why is it a "catch" that your ex is a celebrity? I'm not following your thinking there. Do you think your BF would think you were just seeing him for that reason?Sheri..

Comment #1

For me, I feel that once you enter into a commited relationship (thru Match.com) (meaning exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend- especially if serious in nature) then you go with...."I love and respect my boyfriend so I will cut certain people/friends from my past out of my life that would make him feel uncomfortable and focus on our future"?Some people dont see things that way or wouldnt stop themselves until marriage but if marriage is the result of months and years of dating (online dating with Match.com) and establishing respect and responsibility then ... the marriage would be a farce.I know you feel your ex is a friend, but in reality, he is an "ex". Unless you had children with this man or some other event that by circumstance or chance brought the two of you together in the same room...I wouldn't do it...

Comment #2

I would go, but I would tell my current boyfriend about it ahead of time. Does the current bf know you dated this person? Thing is, if you're not going to go now because you're concerned about how your bf will take it, you may as well chop this person out of your life now, because there's no reason you should be friends after you were married if you can't even be friends with him now. If this person has done nothing to step over boundaries or disrespect your relationship, I can't see a reason to do that.Good luck with your decision,.

 .

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Comment #3

I would do it too. even tho he is an ex doesnt mean you cant be friends. I feel as tho it is possible to remain friends with an ex and still have a healthy relationship (thru Match.com) with your SO. As long as you communicate with your SO and you really love and trust each other then you shouldnt have a problem and your SO shouldnt have a problem with it. If he doesnt trust you then there is no point in being with him...

Comment #4

Is he making you cut people out? Is this a topic that's even come up.  When a couple is most secure they know it's not a threat.

Why dont you talk about it with your boyfriend - tell him you heard from an ex and would like to get together for dinner.  But you dont want to keep secrets or necessarily do it if it'll make your boyfriend feel bad but there is absolutely nothing for him to worry about, he's got your heart.

,..

Comment #5

Thanks everyone for your insightful replies! I decided to not go to dinner with my ex after all. Since the whole purpose for my meeting up with my ex was to say hi and catch up, I thought it would be better to just meet up after work for a drink for an hour or so. The ex got all weird and wanted to do a big dinner and come over to his hotel and such. I got the feeling the ex wanted more than to just catch up! That changed things and I wasn't about to go out with another man who had romantic aspirations. I never had the chance to tell my boyfriend so I will never know what his response would have been. We have such a good relationship (thru Match.com) that I think he would have been fine and he knows he can trust me.

If we lived together and one of us was going to meet an old friend for lunch or drinks, it wouldn't be nearly as complicated because afterwards we would come home to each other and all would be good. But when we are long distance it is impossible not to be concerned since there is no chance to reconnect afterwards. Thanks again for the comments from everyone! :-)..

Comment #6

"The ex got all weird and wanted to do a big dinner and come over to his hotel and such. I got the feeling the ex wanted more than to just catch up!"> sounds like you got it right. I probably wouldnt even go out for the drinks because I wouldn't want him getting lit and thinking he could sneak a smooch by me...

Comment #7

I'm can see both paths. On one hand your ex is a friend and your relationship (thru Match.com) ended a while ago... on the other hand, if you would be uncomfortable if it was your bf and his ex, then it could be the way he would fee. If you really want to know, I'd say go to the source... ask your boyfriend if he would be ok with it. Just let him know that a friend who happenes to be an ex is in town and you don't want him (your bf) to feel threatened...

Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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