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Did anyone meet there mate on match.com?

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My first question is: Did anyone meet there mate on match.com?.

My next question is: Im just out of another relationship. it lasted 10 months and when he ended it I was shocked. to me we were a perfect couple. then a friend of mine recommended me a book on women with low self esteem in relationships.  the further I got in the book, the more I realised that it was about me.

I finally admit to myself that our relationship (thru Match.com) was not PERFECT. from the very beginning we had sexual problems - now when I think about it, I didnt want to leave him just for that, although I was unsatisfied with VERY rare intimate moments with him. I just shut my mouth and accepted his lack of interest to sex. Then, despite his caring nature, I never really felt reassured that he loved me. When he was breaking up with me, he said that I invested into this relationship (thru Match.com) more than him, and that despite some feelings he has towards me, he doesnt love me as I love him. and he doesnt see future with me.

I ask myself why I held on so much to him - he was not a passionate lover, I never really loved him (even now I still keep my first impression that he is not my type, that I'm not attracted to him physically. I just gave this relationship (thru Match.com) a go when he insisted, was always there for me and showed himself as caring and sweet person..

I loved the idea of being in couple, being in love (i persuaded myself I was in love with him and that he loves me), to care about him, to feel that one day he will change for me and will want family and kids with me. silly silly me.

In the book they explain well where this need to mother someone comes - from my childhood and parents. I agree for the first time with the pattern - we all act as our parents in the relationships coz it's the longest interaction between a couple we have seen.

I just dont know how to get myself out of this. i never had a healthy solid relationship. the longest story was this one, 10 months. I'm a very self confident person with friends and at work. I have brilliant career. but in my personal life it's a desaster.

I thought this one was not a bad boy, but then I realised  that I "fell in love" with him the day he told me that he is not sure we are good together (in may this year). then he changed his mind but in my vision he became a difficult 'bad boy" and the situation deteriorated.

Should I do counseling or things are not as bad? I'm really reluctant to go see someone for this. isnt it possible to work on things myself - reading, having great understanding friends, paying attention to my actions not to fall in the same trap in the next relationship? I write this and realise that I'm afraid to even think of a next relationship (thru Match.com) - coz I dont trust myself that I will not get obssessed with the guy again for nothing......

What to do?..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Did anyone meet there mate on match.com?.

Please sshare the title and author of the book so that others might benefit..

It sounds like you stayed in this relationship (thru Match.com) because he paid attention to you - in spite of your instincts telling you from day one that he wasn't right. LEARN to listen to that first and foremost. It will never lead you astray..

What I suggest is that you take some time to go back over the relationship (thru Match.com) and make a list of all the things you rationalized away like, I wasn't that physically attracted to him, not my type ect - list EVERY thing that pops into your head.  Then make another list of the qualities he had that you truly did like. and finally make a list of the things that you felt you 'should' stay because of - like, he's a good guy but not a passionate lover..

Doing this will help you figure out why you stayed with someone you just weren't into. You may also want to do this with other relationships you've had.  Look at patterns in each list..

Low self esteem is pandemic and it's at the core of people living lives of desperate mediocrity, settling, and remaining in unsatisfying jobs, situations and relationships. At the heart of the matter, is a disbelief that they are worthy of the best or that it doesn't exist. They may lack the knowledge that they CAN have and do and be more or if they have the knowledge, they may lack the courage to put it into action..

Hon, it seems this book has opened your mind to things you did not know before - that is knowledge! Now continue to build upon it in whatever manner works for you. Some people like to read, others like structured counseling and others like using a personal coach.  The point is - you must add action to the knowledge you are getting to implement a change in how you view yourself and what you want..

Here are some other good books that I have read and learned a lot from over the past 5 or so years:.

Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford.

Know Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence by Barbara Rose.

Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life by Barbara Rose  .

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge.

Sassy, Single, and Satisfied: Secrets to Loving the Life You're Living by Michelle McKinney Hammond.

Fat, Broke & Lonely No More: Your Personal Solution to Overeating, Overspending, and Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by Victoria Moran.

The law of Attraction by Michael Losier.

Be HonestYou're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve by Ian Kerner.

You can find many of these in your local library and all of them on Amazon. If I had to suggest one to start with, it would likely be the last one listed - but do try to read all of them - as they can help your self esteem as well as discover what you really want..

I urge you to take a hiatus from dating, thinking about dating, men and similar for 6 - 9 months to work on yourself.

Part of the thing that allows people to get into bad and unsatisfying relationships is that they are not 100% clear on what they really want - they will meet someone who shows interest and then get involved because 'no on eelse is asking' or similar reasons, and then try to fit what they want and who they are to the man rather than sizing him up to see how well he fits her. The law of attraction book is great for helping you to get clear on what really matters to you.

Hon, your willingness to do some work will pay off HUGELY down the road. Many are not willing to do it - they just want their man or men in general to magically get 'fixed' to be everything they want without them changing a thing - and that is just lazy and what a mediocre person does - wait for others to do what is their responsibility..

Just like a mother, upon learning she is pregnant, begins preparing for the baby's arrival in all sorts of ways, we must also prepare for the arrival of a person we are truly compatible with. No mother delays buying things or making room for the baby until it arrives - she does it during her pregnancy so that when the baby is born, everything is READY for that baby to just be.

This is what we need to do with our selves - we must prepare for the arrival of our compatible match emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically BEFORE his or her arrival so that s/he can just BE in our lives.

This is where you are now - PREPARE well..

Toni..

Comment #1

Here is a link to the self esteem board, they will have some very helpful hints and most likely some very good books to recommend..

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Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-bhselfesteem&nav=start.

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Powered by CGISpy.com.

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My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #2

Thank you so much. I so need to be reassured right now coz I feel I'm getting depressed over too much information in my head. I will follow your advice and will clear it out in my head thru listing - my discovery over real me and my real feelings was too shocking. and I will definitely read more books on the subject. it helps me to see things more clearly....

You are right, I'm so not ready to date. at the moment, everytime I look at a cute guy I feel as if I'm attracted to a drug, totally not capable to handle it once I get some. so I tell myself - not now, in 6 months a year, when I will be really ready and sure not to repeat the same mistakes.

The book I ready is by Robin Norwood, I read it in french so if I translate the name literally is "Women who love too much".  highly recommended for those like me - those who wear pink glasses and refuse to see the real world when things go the way they didnt plan them to go. apparently it comes from our childhood times when we refused to hear our parents fighting, abusing us, things like that. I grew up in a combat zone between my mom and dad. in my behaviour towards my ex and all other guys I dated I subconciously acted like my mom - giving out too much without asking much in return, letting him rule our relationship (thru Match.com) and decide on all important things in the life of a couple. I thought we were equal with him coz he let me decide things on a smaller scale - dates of our vacation, etc.

He was and is a nice guy and havent I started the conversation about how unhappy I am in our relationship (thru Match.com) (which I right away regretted but couldnt back off), he would probably continue this relationship (thru Match.com) - with no passion, no big love, no future plans. we would persuade ourselves that we were happy and would continue. it still hurts to be rejected by him, coz it was his decision that put end to things. but deep inside I realise that it's for my benefit. I would never truly be happy with him.....

Anyways, I have too much to say on the topic.

Thank you very much again for your insight. it's always spot on..

Comment #3

I'm going to throw a spin into this ... if you feel you have issues with selfesteem...then reading a ton of books is not going to help you. If you truly have trouble with self esteem reading books will make you worse because you'll just listen to the books instead of you - and then you'll start parroting the books instead of gettng to know you.  Counseling would be a better start for you, JMHO, because then you'll take some time to get to know you, why you do what you do and what you really want out of life, career, men, family and friends. And you'll hopefully start living life for you instead of for other people.  Then..if you read these books..you might catch a helpful nugget or two and it will add to the work you have already done instead of replacing the work you need to do...

Comment #4

I really hesitate... sometimes I feel like I'm getting into a depression and I need help to clean up the mess in my head. yet counseling seems to be such a huge step. I ask myself if my problem is worth being analysed, if I will overcome the lack of trust and will let someone help me. I dont know anyone who could help me to find a specialist where I live. plus the cost of it...

I really need to give it a thought..

But I understand what you mean with the confusion the books might create.

I guess I will give myself 2 weeks. if I dont feel better I will find someone.....

Comment #5

Think of counseling as a way to vent and clear out your frustrations and thoughts.   pick the counselor based on your goals. .

Some counseling centers do provide that service on a sliding scale with income or if you have insurance..it will pay for most of it. Bigger counseling centers usually have social workers working there - just in case a psychiatrist or psychologist seems too much for you..

Of course your self esteem issues are worth looking into and resolving - it will free up the rest of your life for more fun...

Comment #6

<<I'm going to throw a spin into this ... if you feel you have issues with selfesteem...then reading a ton of books is not going to help you. If you truly have trouble with self esteem reading books will make you worse because you'll just listen to the books instead of you>>.

I don't completely agree - I think it's more a matter of how a person best learns as well as what their emotional state is. Most people will pick up a book before they will go to a counselor and sometimes it's just the taste of knowledge that starts teh journey. But yes, those who are depressed and/or have deep seated issues would best benefit from working with a counselor.

I do agree taht some people just want to be told what to do to be 'fixed' and will adopt whatever psycho-babble du jour as gospel - but that can happen with a book or a counselor. The real work comes when a person dares to know who they really are.

My own journey began with books - the wrong kind, IMO - those focused on external things, like a man, or the world, or the boss, etc.  rather than books that forced me to look at things I hide and buried within.  After a very difficult breakup, I did do counseling for well over a year - and it helped me tremendously. That said, though, the most progress happened AFTER counseling and in reading the books I suggested in my first post. I've also worked a bit with a life coach here and there..

To the OP: .

Counseling is like any other form of assistance - when you get 'stuck' you ask for help - be it with your car, a task at work, the flu, moving furniture, etc - Going to counseling is neither extreme or a sign of weakness - it is really courageous to say "I need help" and to then go get it. This is part of the 'worth it' thing that you are struggling with. Emotional health is every bit as important as physical health. Society spends Billions on maintaining our bodies but  the amount spent on emotional health is a fraction of that (Pop-pscyhology books not included). Unfortunately, what we are taught as kids, "boys don't cry, it wasn't that important, why are you making a fuss" reinforces that the junk in our heads is NOT ok to get help for.  Thre is a stigma attached. it is better but still there..

Good health is part of being 'ready' for a good partner - and that includes emotional well being. Go find a counselor and don't think twice aobut it - it's like going to the doctor for any other ailment..

Toni..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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