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Daughter Dislikes Girl Friend

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Hi Everyone, I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for about two years now. While we have our ups and downs like any couple, my ex-wife recently informed me that our daughter severely dislikes my girlfriend.I have been very mindful to keep my daughter out of my love live now that I am divorced and recently began to take her to family vacations. She has indicated that she feels that I have enough free time each week to date using Match.com when she's not around, but that when she is around she doesn't want her there. Obviously this is going to cause a relationship (thru Match.com) problem. Any advice from people who have been there before? Thanks, Bob..

Comments (6)

Your question was: Daughter Dislikes Girl Friend.

A couple thoughts: how much alone time do you spend with your daughter when she's with you? Maybe if you make your weekends together *mostly* about the two of you, and only include your GF for a small part of the weekend, then that would work. I have dated a number of men with kids and I have never had an objection to seeing less of them when they have their childrenthat's part and parcel of dating (online dating with Match.com) men with kids.And your daughter doesn't have to *like* your GF, she just has to act respectfully towards her as she should towards any adult in her life.Sheri..

Comment #1

Typically I have my daughter every Thursday and every other weekend (Thursday to Monday) and she gets my undivided attention. On occasion I pick her up and take her to family outings on weekends I do not have her and on occasion my girlfriend will accompany us. She is not disrespectful towards her at all, so that is not a problem. But apparently she has cried to her mom several times after I drop her off. Funny thing about this whole situation is that she spends her time with her cousins or friends and doesn't even hang out with the adults. So I am pretty confused on how to handle this and she doesn't want to talk to me about it...

Comment #2

Hi thegnomeman,.

As a mother and a step-mother, your daughter's behavior is pretty normal.... however, I wouldn't change your entire life to fit the child's dislike.  Giving her undivided attention is fine, having a set time to be with her, etc,  but she does need to learn to share you.   My son and my step-daughter (same father), absolutely hated their new step-mother when my ex remarried..... my son worked things out with her and loves his step-mom, not sure how my step-daugther feels about her these days......

Talk to your daughter, maybe she just needs dialog to be started so she can share with you.  Or maybe she likes complaining to her mom because she gets her attention that way from her mother?  Especially if she's off playing with her cousins...

Comment #3

Okif that's the case and your GF only joins the two of you occasionally, then it sounds like she's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is (is she a teenager? Many teenage girls seem to live for creating drama where there's really none to be found). You might mention to her that you know she has told her mom she's upset about it and that you are ready and willing to discuss it if and when she is ready to so that you can understand why, but in the meantime, you are going to continue to invite your GF to accompany you occasionally.Sheri..

Comment #4

It is a tough situation, no question.  You want to be as accepting and loving and open towards your daughter as possible so that she knows she can trust you and that she is still the most important person to you.  She wont get her wish, mom and dad reuniting, but no one will ever replace her in your heart.

 .

Also - it's your ex wife who told you this information, not your daughter.   You can just start out by starting a conversation not mentioning your ex's comment but wanting to know how to make things as good as they can be so that she doesn't feel neglected but with her understanding that your relationship (thru Match.com) with your girlfriend is something important to you..

,..

Comment #5

I think there's nothing in your routine that you need to change at this point.... except that maybe it's time to sit down with your daughter and ask her how she honestly feels about "things."  I wouldn't put your daughter on the spot by asking her point-blank whether she likes your girlfriend.  But make it clear that your daughter is welcome to tell you WHATEVER she is feeling about your family and friends, or anything else that's on her mind..

I also agree with the poster who urged you to avoid saying anything like: "Your mom tells me you don't like so-and-so..."  Again, you should let your daughter announce her own feelings. .

What you can do is observe the interactions more closely between your girlfriend and your daughter.  Don't look for trouble, but be aware of tensions.  There might be a real problem, and then there might not be anything you can see.  If you do see a problem, hopefully there's opportunity for you to help them get along better,and you will know what to do.  I also agree that teenagers sometimes are overly dramatic in the way they express themselves.  You are a parent so I don't have to tell you how kids blow things out of proportion... but you can't let them blow everybody's life up because they are going through some adolescent mood swing..

Finally, I hope you didn't tell your girlfriend about any of this.  Unless you witness her being unkind or unpleasant toward your daughter, this situation is not your girlfriend's fault, and there's no good reason to hurt her feelings and make her self-conscious about being around your daughter. .

Bottom line, you have a right to grown-up happiness... your daughter needs to speak her mind to you if she has a problem... and your girlfriend shouldn't be dragged into any unnecessary drama.   I wish you well in this difficult situation..

Jilly..

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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