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Could they really be just BEST FRIENDS?

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My boyfriend and I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) for a year and a half. I just turned twenty, he is still nineteen. We love each other very much and will be getting married (although there is nothing official, simply an agreement that it is something we both want) after college. However, there is an area that I have been developing a problem with and I don't think I can stand it anymore.He has a close female friend, they have been friends for about a year. They used to work together before college and now all three of us have started at the same college. My first problem with this girl is that she used to like him, she even told him "Be sure to let me know when you're single." Plus she messaged me and told me that "He's amazing.

Actually several girls that he worked with had crushes on him, no big deal. But now they are close friends and it is killing me. He has had many many female friends, and I haven't had a problem with any of them. It doesn't bother me, I trust him. However, I have had a couple male friends and he doesn't like any of them.

It was a little after midnight and he sent me back to my room because he was so exhausted. Well I noticed he didn't text me good night before I went to bed so I figured he fell asleep before he could. When we got together the next today he said "Yeah, I went up to her room and hung out with her til about two am." That upset me. He shooed me away because he was tired but he wasn't too tired to go chill out with her in her room for two more hours. He brings her up in conversations all the time, he will reply to all of her stuff online and talk to her but if I email him or send him something he ignores it.

No big deal." It may not be the biggest deal, but it still hurts me. A couple nights ago he didn't get off work until about two am. He had been talking all day about how tired he was and couldn't wait to go to bed. Turns out after he got home he went up to her room and hung out for another hour or so and had his first beer! I was pissed. Last night, he and I were going to do something important.

He said "nothing," so she asked if he wanted to come up to her room. He said "No I'm doing something with my girlfriend" and she goes "Grrr fine. Well you're coming out with me tonight. Right?" And he said "No I've got stuff to do." So she just says "Fine. Bye." When I got quiet he just said "God why are you getting upset about this?" I am glad that he turned her down.

She is rude, she uses people, she sleeps around a lot and she isn't faithful in her own relationships. She really seems like she thinks she owns him. When we see her in public he's giving her hugs and it's like all of a sudden I don't exist. And I would hang out with the two of them but I can't! When I'm doing something and I get done, I can't get ahold of him because he's hanging out with her and won't answer my calls or texts when he is with her! He only hangs out with her if it's like two am and I'm in bed or if I'm busy. There has been one time when I got to join them and most of the time they were cracking up about their inside jokes and I felt very left out.

He just says "You don't have to like her but I don't want to lose this friendship." He is constantly making little jokes about how he slept with her or how she's great in bed and then swears up and down he's just teasing me. But he knows it upsets me. I keep thinking about it and I can't get it out of my head. I have never had this kind of fear about his friendship with another girl. But something in my heart and my gut feels that this is wrong.

But it feels like he is much more attracted to her emotionally than to me. I'm so afraid that he's falling for her and that I'll lose him. Like he would rather spend time with her than me. And that kills me inside. I don't nag him at all, but when I try to talk about it he doesn't seem to care that I'm upset.

I'm tired of feeling so alone about this!Is it possible for a man and a woman to strictly be platonic friends?..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Could they really be just BEST FRIENDS?.

Yes, it is totally possible. However, whether or not that's the case here, I think the burden is on your BF to do all he can to make you feel comfortable with their friendship. He's not doing thatin fact, it sounds like he's doing the opposite. Is that the type of treatment you want from your BF? I think it's highly disrespectful of him to do that to you and to your relationship.But, since you've spoken to him about it and he's not willing to change his behavior, it's up to you to decidecan you live with this or not? If not, then you need to end things with him and move on.Sheri..

Comment #1

I definitely don't want to end things with him. I'm just not sure what else to do. I'm going to sit him down tonight and tell him that I'm serious about this. See if he will take me seriously..

Comment #2

Good luck, I hope he is able to see your POVlet us know how it goes.Sheri..

Comment #3

I am among the doubtful that men and women, in most cases, can be platonic friends. However, the issue here is more like why is your BF using this friendship to needle you? Constant hugging and joking about sleeping with her is uncalled for and cruel to do to you - YOU should always exist..and not be pushed to the sidelines. It sounds like he wants to make you feel insecure about him and that is immature and that is not love. Myabe they did sleep together and he just doesn't want to come clean and enjoys the attention from her - an ego boost.I have included a link about guy/girl friendships:http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/8036/your-friends-scare-me;_ylc=X3oDMTFvZmdp...Your Friends Scare MeWhy do I feel threatened by my partner's opposite-sex friends?By Dr. Scott Haltzman hitchedmag.com Updated: Sep 3, 2007Question: Why do I feel threatened by my partner's opposite-sex friends? Answer: If your partner is enjoying the company of another person, and that person is someone of the opposite sex from your partner, the answer is pretty obvious: you're worried about your mate becoming sexually attracted to that person, and, well, you know what happens next....It's quite common for a couple to struggle with the thorny issue of opposite-sex friends. Sometimes the problem arises from one partner refusing to let go of past boyfriends or girlfriends.

In many job sites, including the military, men and women work side by side. When put into high-intensity situations, people bond. Some people, even if they're married, think that it's artificial to limit these positive work experiences to the office. They figure that if it feels good to be around their officemate during work, it should feel good spending time together after work as well.Even though your mate sees lots of good reasons to foster these friendships, you have an even better reason not to: because it threatens your relationship. You're concerned that if your partner has a friendship with a person today, it could grow into a love affair tomorrow.

This connection breeds feelings of "specialness" that leaves each with the sense that they have a unique understanding of each other one that other people can't appreciate. The big problem with this arrangement is that it excludes you and directs the energies that should be going into your relationship (thru Match.com) out toward other people.Your mate may believe that opposite-sex friendships are harmless because his or her friend is married. But that's just dead wrong! Many friendships outside of marriage start as "just friends" and grow closer and more intimate. Because these friendships are so fresh, interesting and compelling, it's not long before the two people involved start to think they are more compatible than their own life partners. It's a small step from that realization to the development of a full-blown affair, and the destruction of a marriage.Do you need to be concerned?Ask yourself these questions:1.

Are they spending time together outside of the office (even for office lunches) when other people are not around?3. Has your partner excluded this "friend" from your life, either by nottelling you when they are meeting, refusing to introduce you, or going into another room to talk on the phone when you are nearby?4. Does your partner tell you that he or she has the kind of relationship (thru Match.com) with this friend that you just couldn't understand?A "yes" to question #1 and any of the other three questions means your partner's friendship may be a threat to your relationship.If your mate is involved in a special relationship (thru Match.com) that makes you uncomfortable, don't ignore that feeling. You've got to ask for what you need for your mate to end further personal and exclusive friendships with people of the opposite sex. Remember, your partner may not be intending to hurt you, and may honestly feel like there is nothing to worry about.

That may be right, but frankly, not taking action is rude and unfair to you. In all cases, the needs of your relationship (thru Match.com) outweigh the needs of a friend. After all, you should always be number one on your partner's buddy list...

Comment #4

He would like you to believe that he is only platonic with her. He's emotionally involved with her that's for sure. He puts you aside to be with her.He a swinger, likes more than one girl. He wants an open relationship (thru Match.com) but doesn't tolerate you to have one also. If you want an exclusive relationship, this man isn't for you. He likes his women. The women he hangs out with are the same as he.I'd advise you to move on...

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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