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Could the acting on all these match.com advertisements be any worse/annoying?

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My first question is: Could the acting on all these match.com advertisements be any worse/annoying?.

My next question is: I met this guy about 5 years ago at our college orientation.  We instantly became friends, and only hung out a few times while in college.  I ended up only staying at that school for one semester, so we lost touch for about 5 years.  About a month ago, we caught up with each other.  Ever since then, we have been together.  He currently lives about two hours away from me. .

Our first couple of dates were great- I thought he was amazing.  After the second date using Match.com he told me he really wanted to be exclusive and make me his girlfriend.  I agreed.  Ever since then, things have been absolutely weird for me. .

He text messages me about 50+ times a day.  He'll send multiple messages, even if I don't respond.  It's irritating because he'll just keep texting me and carrying on his own conversation.  I've made it a point to not respond to many of them, so he kind of cooled it with that. .

Whenever we talk, he tells me that he'll never ever break up with me- that I'll either have to cheat on him or break up with him myself to get rid of him.  I thought it was real sweet at first, but now it's really starting to bug me. .

He came to visit me for 4 days this week.  He was supposed to stay for 6- but I couldn't stand it any longer.  I completely lied to him (which I feel terrible about and wish I didn't do), and told him I felt sick so that he would leave early.  The whole time he was here, he kept telling me that he is ready to make me his wife.  He would ask me about twice a day when I was coming to visit him, and if I would come this coming weekend.  I told him I was busy with school and couldn't really get away- so he told me that he would just come back up for another week (he's in between jobs). .

The first few nights he was staying with me, I was having a great time.  But all of the sudden the other night I just got into this weird mood and was just instantly creeped out by all this stuff he was saying to me about marrying me and wanting to come and visit me all the time.  He even brought up moving in together, and telling me he couldn't wait to be a part of my family.  I was just so turned off by him, that I was just in a bad mood.  I guess you could say I was just creeped out!  He also made himself VERY much at home in my house, which I know isn't a bad thing, but it just rubbed me the wrong way. .

He left this morning, and since then- he has texted me 29 times (I counted!), and has been asking me when I am coming to visit him again.  He mentioned that when he spoke to his mother, she jokingly asked if we were engaged yet. .

So my question- is this normal or is this guy just so incredibly needy?  I just got out of a long relationship (thru Match.com) about a year ago, so I'm really new to dating (online dating with Match.com) (since I'm really just out of college).  He really is a genuinely nice guy, and I know he's not bad news.  I don't want to hurt him at all because I would just feel terrible- yet I feel that he is going to absolutely drive me insane!  Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 ..

Comments (20)

Your question was: Could the acting on all these match.com advertisements be any worse/annoying?.

Honey, you're dating (online dating with Match.com) an obsessive guy who will become your stalker once you break it up. His behavior is odd and obsessive. His never ending calls and texts AND comments of marrying after a few weeks of dating (online dating with Match.com) are a HUGE RED FLAG.  I'd let him down easy because as cute , sweet, living, needy and clingy as he seems to be, he could turn into a manic and aggressive human being the moment things don't go his way.  In his head he's married you and you're perfect, but that picture perfect will change the moment he sees you leave. He'll try to cling on you more than ever, even threatening suicide. Believe me, I know the type.  He may have some kind of mental illness or personality disorder..

For your own emotional well-being and safety let him easy and if things escalate get a retraining order and change your phone/cell numbers...

Comment #1

He's incredibly needy and unhealthy.  Time to throw this one back.  And he probably will make it hard for you to do so, so you most likely will need to change your number to prevent him from calling and texting you begging you to get back together..

Sheri ..

Comment #2

I am very leary of men that come on that strong so early in a relationship.  Many times these "blowtorch" guys come on very strong but then their feeling can cool just as quickly.  You need to have a conversation with him and tell him he is moving too quickly and you are feeling smothered.  If he really wants to be with you  and make you comfortable with all of this, he will listen. But you need to be specific about things you want him to do and NOT do..

 .

Good luck,.

YG.

Http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/..

Comment #3

Forget normal. It just plain ain't healthy. nothing about this is good..

<<I don't want to hurt him at all because I would just feel terrible- yet I feel that he is going to absolutely drive me insane! >>.

Which would be more terrible, 'hurting' him by breaking up with him, which will only last as long as it takes him to find someone else to obsess about or hurting yourself by staying in a relationship (thru Match.com) with  someone you dispise being with?  He's told you how it is with him. Is this hte kind of relationship (thru Match.com) you want - one where you hate being with him but are afraid to leave?.

The quicker you cut this guy loose the easier it will be - this kind of obsessive desperation is exactly what drives stalkers - they get to a feeling of 'owning' you.  And that is when it can get ugly and dangerous. End it now..

Toni..

Comment #4

Thanks for all of the advice!  I've been busy all day today, and he's still going on and on with his text messages!  I was signed online before, and he messaged me the SECOND I got on- and started to tell me that his parents were asking when we were getting engaged.  He then said , "yeah well, I see those qualities in you, just so you know."  I responded by saying thank you.  Then he said, "well, I don't know if you see those in me..but time will tell.".

I told him that it is WAY too soon for this, and that I don't even know where I will end up after I graduate from law school!  He said that he agreed, and that time would tell.  He then told me that he is applying for a job right near where I live, and that he'd like to get it so that we could be closer. .

I told him that I wouldn't be able to visit him for a couple of weeks, and he's already saying that he is going to try and get up here instead. .

Is this situation even worth trying to fix, or should I just steer clear of him 100% and end this?  I don't know if I should cut him off completely, or try to just explain to him that this isn't what I want. ..

Comment #5

If you do like him, it's worth telling him at least once to back off and take it easy.  It may not accomplish anything, but if you make it clear that you are uncomfortable with this attention and that if the relationship (thru Match.com) is to continue that you really need to take this at a slower pace, then you have done what you can do.  But honestly, I think that if you did that, he'd get better for a while and then probably be back to his old behavior within weeks.  So do what you will.  One request couldn't hurt but if it doesn't improve, then cut him loose sooner rather than later.  You don't need this and who wants to be with someone who annoys them and you can't stand to be around?  That's hardly going to build a good, lasting, strong relationship (thru Match.com) - so consider that!.

 .

 ..

Comment #6

I don't think a needy, unhealthy guy is going to be able to transform himself into independent, healthy guy just because you say something to him, but if you want to give it a try before you end it, sure, why not..

Sheri..

Comment #7

I just told him everything.  He began to tell me that he couldn't believe his parents want us to get engaged (he kept talking about it), and that he sees those qualities in me.  He asked what my parents thought of him, and if I see those qualities in him.  I told him that I just came out of a serious relationship (thru Match.com) not too long ago, and that I do not want anything serious anytime soon!.

He said that I am punishing him because of another guy.  He said that I am comparing them, and that it isn't fair that I am "punishing" him because of another guy.  I told him I wasn't comparing the two at all, I just said I didn't want anything serious.  I told him that maybe I'd just date using Match.com him here and there, but I don't want a serious relationship.  He kept saying, lets leave it at this and just pick up where we left off.  Then he started to ask when I was coming to visith him again.  I had to keep telling him this isn't what I want, and that I don't want a relationship. .

He started to agree, and then started saying that he is still going to call me his girlfriend and that "when things start to get serious, we will take it from there.".

He just is NOT getting this.  Should I just write him an e-mail and tell him I do not want to be with him or should I call him?  I don't want to use that as a cop-out, but I think unless I am straightforward with him he is just going to keep going with all this. .

I just changed my phone number, and I think (if I do e-mail him) I will just block all communication with him.  I'm just worried he'll contact my family (he has their #'s!)!!!.

 ..

Comment #8

One more thing I think I should mention that I didn't.  He is still in college (it's taken him longer to graduate).  He is a big drinker- he usually drinks about 3-4 nights a week.  When he does drink though, it's A LOT.  He will get to the point where he passes out.  When he stayed with me this week, he drank SO much that he passed out on my kitchen floor!  He didn't remember anything. .

He also smokes marijuana regularly (3 times a week, maybe even more).  He claims that is the only drug he uses. .

I don't know if he's an alcoholic or not, but I guess this could add to his strange behavior. ..

Comment #9

Girl RUN! RUN! RUN! this guy is an abuser waiting to happen.

Call  your family and tell them that you have stpped seeing him and why. Ask them to not give any of your contact info to him every. I would not call him - and probably would not email either - but it seems you feel the need to - if so, be crystal clear that you do not wish to pursue things any further and will not take any of him communications and you ask that he please respect your wishes and not contact you or your family any longer..

Keep this email - you very well may need it later if he does start stalking you.

I wouls also encourage you to take a good hard look at what in you said it was ok to let this kind of man inyour life. This is exactly how abusers find their abusee's. He saw something in you that allowed him in. Please find a good counselor to work with you to find the source of your attraction to such a person - do you have a pattern of abusive controlling men? Take care of you - get out while it's still relatively easy and don't question why.

Running out of a burning building is never somethign you question..

Toni..

Comment #10

Haha, that's so funny.  I dated this guy last year.  Within the first couple of days he was dropping these comments here and there like saying it was a good thing my cat liked him so things would work out when he moved in LOL  I was like, take a step back, killer!  And then by the end of the week he was asking me how many kids I wanted, etc etc  I thought he was nuts!..

Comment #11

I have had two stalkers this year.  I have alot of stories, what can I say? LOL  I don't know what happens to these boys, honestly.  Anywayz, Stalker #1?  I only went on like 2 dates with this guy and then I broke it off.  I said to him very direct that we had nothing in common and that I was NOT NOT NOT interested in him.  Met my boyfriend, left the country with my boyfriend and as we traveled Europe, that entire time - 3 whole months, this guy texted and called me every 2 weeks.  I never responded.  Nothing.  The day we got back home, he sent 100 bouquet of flowers to my parents house (I was living with my parents when he picked me up for the dates).  I still never responded.  After that, he called me again and left me the most psycho message.  This after 2 whole dates and saying directly that I am not interested!! I was ready to call the police.  I just let it go on because I figured he would eventually stop, but he didn't!.

I will spare you all Stalker #2 but by this time, I was fed up.  I could not let it go on so after two stalker sms sent by him, I changed my phone number.     .

Edited 11/4/2007 9:00 pm ET by allieshmatt..

Comment #12

I know this sucks.  And it has the potential for being very serious.  From my experience, if you take it lightly now, it will get worse and it won't go away until you are firm ... very business like and firm..

Do not contact him.  Please tell your family, friends, everyone, what is going on (don't worry about any embarrassment right now).  Insist that they do not talk to him when he tries to make contact..

Any type of encouragement from you will add fuel to his fire.  It doesn't matter what you are saying to him ... he's not going to *hear* it.   Just acknowledging his existence will be enough to keep him going, believing he has control over you (which he will if you continue to talk to him when you said stop contact)..

Don't worry about "hurting his feelings" .... he's not operating from a *feelings* level right now.  Tell your family/friends to not worry about hurting his feelings... YOU are the one that matters, not him..

Be aware of your surroundings.  Find out what you have to do to get a restraining order, so you are prepared in the event you need one.  I liked the suggestion of printing out this thread.  Document, document, document!.

If you get off guard and answer the phone/door, etc when he calls ... hang up.  If he follows you to a store... aka "mysteriously" is at the same store at the same time as you.... walk away.  Do not engage him in any way. .

If you do talk to him again.... tell him you do not want to see him anymore, do not contact you or anyone you know ever again, and you will call the police if he tries to make contact with you and /or anyone you know.  Doesn't matter what he says.... and don't worry about sounding dramatic.... he's heard it all before.... you're not the first...and won't be the last (sorry if that sounds harsh)..

Finally, whatever is going on with him are HIS issues to deal with, not yours.  Not your problem to fix.  If you find this is a pattern for you, thing about talking to a counselor to figure out why and how to change it.  If this is a one time deal and you're nipping it in the bud.... yay for you for dealing with it quickly!.

Best of luck!.

Zjaney..

Comment #13

Rr46. As ALL posters have said... RUN RUN RUN. This is very serious. You have not been involved with this guy for long.  Will only get harder to leave him.

Surely you see the problem and surely you do not want this creep in your life. He is very bad news. I have worked with abused women and it is not a pretty sight. So many times they make excuses for the men that abuse them and go back..

RUN!!!!!!!  Good luck!.

Breazey.

 ..

Comment #14

Yes. He is an alcoholic. And you certainly don't want THAT in your life!  He has a problem with alcohol and yes, marijuana. I saw my ex husband become a different person right before I left, mostly because he started smoking marijuana.

Please leave this man alone...

Comment #15

<He just is NOT getting this.> This says it all. Sit down, take a deep breath, lace up your nikes and run like hell. If you ask a guy to back off and he argues with you and tries to convince you to be his girlfriend he has bigger problems that being dumped by a girl he just met.good luck,.

YG.

Http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/..

Comment #16

Thanks for all of the responses! Here's an update:.

I called him (from a blocked number since I changed my cell #), and told him this just wasn't going anywhere and we just weren't right for each other.  He pulled the guilt trip card on me, and started saying that I was the best he'd ever be able to get and his family was so excited that he got together with me.  He then said that we can still date, and he'll just take it down a few notches.  I told him absolutely not, and this was it. .

The next day, I started getting IM's from him (I forgot to block him, but he is now) saying how depressed he was and that all he wants to do is go out and drink.  Then he started saying that this one girl keeps saying she is going to show up at his apartment because she really likes him.  THEN he started saying that this was all for the best because I'm "too good for him" and he could never amount to what I deserve. .

And keep in mind, I wasn't having a conversation with him- I got home from class and saw about 56 messages from him- he was having the conversation with himself!.

SO glad I got away from him.  I'm a little worried he might try to drive up here to see me, but if he does I am prepared!..

Comment #17

Good for you..

But don't forget - take a look within to see what in you is attracting this kind of man. When you can ID the things in you that feeds into this kind of instant romance you will be able to take the parts you need to take from that and use it to your benefit - in other words, you are in control and will be better able to filter the right and wrong men and situations better.

Take care and best wishes..

Toni..

Comment #18

He definitely is super needy - this is not normal.  From the first date using Match.com he wants a comimtment, now after a month wanting to move in, etc.  All the texting, IM-ing, etc. Nice guys can have problems that make them "bad news" too - this can be considered  the  stalkerish side but it sounds like you haven't actually asked him to stop any of the disturbing behavior?.

Why did you find this sweet at first and not a bit disturbing? What is this guy's relationship (thru Match.com) history?  Have you spoken to him about your feelings - i.e. that he needs an extraordinary amt of daily contact,  that you don't want to rush things, etc . .

You've got to address this issue. albeit gently and diplomatically, now. Good luck.

,..

Comment #19

I have not experienced the type of behavior you described from a guy.  When I think back to the men who wanted to spend a lot of time with me, I can say that in some cases it felt like they made themselves at home in my home.  That didnt bother me too much unless they made a mess of the place..

 29 messages in a morning?  That is extreme..

When a guy starts shooting his mouth off about weddings so soon it is a sign of him being very smitten but very naive about the romantic process and what it takes to build (yes, build) a relationship (thru Match.com) that is ready for marriage.  Not only do the two parties need to be ready for marriage in terms of maturity and commitment and emotional availablility....but too many people dive into marriage without creating a relationship (thru Match.com) that is something that can sustain the ups and downs of marriage and the inevitable feeling of "the honeymoon is over" syndrome that does take place within one year of marriage. .

Usually the guys who yak about marriage right away are the first ones to break up as soon as reality hits the fan and then they "get scared" and want to break up with the woman who has now fell for the guy. .

But if he seems like he is toxic to you...then run for the hills..

Edited 11/11/2007 5:20 pm ET by snafu2007..

Comment #20


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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