candidablog.com

Confused - where to go from here?

Want the Latest Match.com Coupons Every Month?


Enter your email address below and we'll send you the latest coupon codes every month. We'll even give a lucky person a free 3 month offer.


Hello everyone!I wanted to post my "situation" on this board to get some objective advice ...and because you all seem very knowledgeable!! So here goes....I met a guy about a week ago, and we clicked right away. He is three years older than I am but we are both still in our 20's, we have a great deal in common, and both felt comfortable with each other right off the bat. So we hung out last mon. and tues. (tues. night kissed/made out but really nothing more).

I didn't see him again until Sunday (crazy schedules!) and everything was great. He had talked about things in the future with us, I thought, indicating that he was looking for a relationship. Monday night he tells me that he did some thinking and is not ready to date using Match.com anyone right now because he just started a new job (it is a very stressful job) and just got out of a relationship (thru Match.com) a few months ago, and wants to get his life set and in order before trying to manage a relationship. He said that there was definitely a connection and attraction, but he felt overwhelmed with everything going on in his life and he didn't want to jump the gun in a relationship (thru Match.com) and needed some personal time before jumping into dating. He said that he loved hanging out and wanted to stay friends and take things slowly and that he thought things were moving too fast.

Well he then changed the subject and we talked for another hour....the whole time he was making comments that would be made in a dating (online dating with Match.com) relationship, NOT a friendship. THen he said, okay I will text you in the morning and during the day and call you tomorrow night...Huh?! Needless to say the conversations yesterday were still full of flirty comments, like nothing had changed.....Sooooo....what is this girl to do? I told him that I would still like to be his friend, but now I am confused as to what is going on. Is he just confused, scared, overwhelmed? Do I stick it out and see if something develops? I am in NO rush to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) so I don't mind seeing how it plays out, but I don't want to engage in self-torture here Sorry this was so long, but these things are never simple Thanks!!..

Comments (12)

Your question was: Confused - where to go from here?.

To me, it sounds like he's trying to cover himself a little bit - like he wants to act the same way and be doing this dance y'all have been doing, but just in case he changes his mind somewhere in the middle, he can go back to "Well, I told you I wanted to go slow and I have alot going on". I dunno about this one! I would be straightup with him and voice the confusion you stated in your post! See what he says.....

Comment #1

Take it from a 38 yo female who has been through and seen a lot of things....respect what he has told you and take it slow. As women, we tend to rush through things instead of letting situations take it's course. I heard on a male talk show a few months ago that the steps in a relationship (thru Match.com) are simple: 1) You become associates; 2) You become friends 3) You begin dating (online dating with Match.com) 4) You begin dating (online dating with Match.com) exclusively 5) Engagement 6) Marriage. We tend to skip over the first three steps, rushing. Respect what he has told you and let it FLOW. As he becomes more comfortable with you and get to know you, and at the same time, things start to settle in his life, he will respect you more for it.

While I don't agree with this new type of dating....it is your choice. If you decide to sleep with him and remain being just a friend......you have to live with the consequences. Do not expect him to change his mind very quickly just because you are giving it up. If he wants to remain friends...then be just that...friends (and without the benefits if you choose). Either way, as times go by, you may decide that you just want to keep him in your life as a "friend" only.

Some are just that.....friends. You are in your 20s....enjoy the ride and take it day by day...

Comment #2

Halle, this is an example of what I mentioned earlier about giving and then taking it away. It is a game and you caught onto it pretty quickly...

Comment #3

I agree with halle. It is a game that alot of guys are playing these days and it was done to me, but I exited the relationship. They woo you to no end and then they lower the boom and expect you to take whatever they want to give because "they are scared" or "they are overwhelmed" or whatever excuse they want to give. He wants his cake and eat it too. It is up to you whether or not you want to give it to him. I don't think you are rushing anything. I think you are confused in the constant twists and turns in his behavior andyou want consistency - and that is being treated with respect...

Comment #4

Yes, "respect" is such a key word here. Just when I think about interactions and behaviors, asking myself... am I being treated with respect? Am I treating this person with respect? Good way to reflect on stuff. The thing is, is he knows that I love him and I feel like he is using that and trying to put me in the rut his ex was in... which is putting up with his junk. I feel like he's like, well, it's ok if I blow her off today because she likes me so much she'll forgive me if I just say x-y-z... sorry, won't do it again, etc.....

Comment #5

I have to agree with Snafu. You need to be respected above and beyond anything else. Good couples can take it slow but it does sound like he's offering you an out for down the road. And trust me when I say, any man who says he's "overwhelmed" believe it. He probably won't be able to manage the stress of an exclusive relationship (thru Match.com) down the road and you will get hurt.Go out and have some fun and find someone who will respect you enough to make the time for you. Don't get played..

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #6

Hey guys,I just wanted to say thank you for all of the responses and advice! It is great to hear from folks who have additional experience and insight! I would have thought that by now (a few days after the post) that I would be clearer on what is going on with this boy, but that is not the case. We still talk everyday, but have not had a chance to actually see each other due to a wedding and me being sick. But one thing is starting to become obvious, things roll on "his time." Meaning that we hang out when he can...he calls me when he is free...if I try to initiate something it is often not reciprocated or simply ignored. But when we do talk it is definitely specal... Although I thought that I could just put it to the back of my mind and not get too invested or attached, this is getting somewhat frustrating and difficult to handle.I felt an immediate and strong connection with this guy, something that I still have, but am not sure that it is worth the torture of second-guessing my actions or sitting by the phone waiting...eventhough the conversations are always worth it....So I think I will just hang back a bit and see what happens. I need to detach myself a little bit and not be so available to him. If he thinks I am worth his time, he will take the steps to pull me back....right?! THANKS AGAIN!!!..

Comment #7

>>But one thing is starting to become obvious, things roll on "his time." Meaning that we hang out when he can...he calls me when he is free...if I try to initiate something it is often not reciprocated or simply ignored. But when we do talk it is definitely specal... Although I thought that I could just put it to the back of my mind and not get too invested or attached, this is getting somewhat frustrating and difficult to handle.<<It might be ok for now to do things on his terms, however, if you two do spend more time together and as time goes on, you will begin to resent his not hanging with your friends and doing things that you would like to do. Any guy who wants YOU to wait for HIS call is feeding his own ego and trying to establish control, IMHO, and it will only get worse down the road as you get more serious. I'm glad he's calling you but you need to keep busy and if he doesn't give you at least two days notice for getting together, have something else to do. If he's interested, he'll either get the hint and make plans in advance or want to join you, or if he's not, he'll fade away.

A relationship (thru Match.com) should be a comfortable split between both lives. The beginnings of a relationship (thru Match.com) shouldn't feel like work. Save that for years down the road. Good luckPatty.

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #8

Patty does pose a point about resentment. I know he is crazed with work and other stresses which may account for him being able to "fit"you in at certain times and not being so available when you want to see him or include him in your plans.It seems like he wants to keep in contact with you, maybe hoping that as things ease up he and you can be in a normal relationship. What I see as a concern is that you said that when you try to initiate something it is simply ignored...that is not good."I felt an immediate and strong connection with this guy, something that I still have, but am not sure that it is worth the torture of second-guessing my actions or sitting by the phone waiting...eventhough the conversations are always worth it...." you can not live or love by conversation alone. I know it is best for you to detach from him and stop second guessing your actions because your actions are not driving his behavior towards you. Definitely do not sit by the phone waiting for him to call. I don't say that to play games with him and make him want you more, but it is what is best for you overall.

I know it hurts but your life cannot come to a complete standstill waiting for this guy to wake up and make you a real part of his life. I know that it is rare to feel things for anyone these days because most people are not worth any emotion from us. However, his presnece in your life should not be a painful one. And because it is, your detachment is quite appropriate...

Comment #9

I wanted to touch again on your point about respect. I checked out the book called Men Who Love B#tches and I just got to scan the first few chapters at a bookstore. Above all the "b#tch" will not tolerate disrespect. Before yesterday I never read this book or any book about men who love whatever and why. I like alot of the author's ideas except one thing bothers me about all of these books: the focus is on changing a woman's behavior to then change a man's behavior. For instance: the author states that a "b#tch" should never wait by the phone for any man and then the man will realize she has a life and thus he will be more attracted to her.

She should always keep her focus and the intentions of her actions based on what is appropriate and healthy for HER. If this attrracts men to her, then it is for the right reason. Intentions are readable by all people. If a woman does not wait by the phone with the intention of changing a man's behavior...then the intention is thus to control someone's behavior...not to enhance her self esteem or her own life...and maybe it might get a guy here and there to call...but eventually her intentions to control him and his behavior will become apparent..he will dislike the game playing and then ...no more relationship.I noticed that some of my behaviors or actions are listed in the book as "b#tch" behaviors...and that is a coincidence...but I dont care if I'm considered a b#tch. Maybe I am, hehehe.

I cant control any man's behavior by my behavior - maybe a fluke here and there - but not on a consistent level and eventually you have to get tired of the game playing and not being genuine. Imagine having to remember how to handle everything that a guy throws you from a book?..

Comment #10

You're right. If I had to do everything by a book, I'd probably throw the book at the guy! It seems the book is trying to tell women that "nice girls finish last" just like "nice guys finish last". You have to just be yourself and open to different types of people. Some will make a perfect match, some don't. My not calling this guy has nothing to do with control or manipulation, just plain getting on with my life. Why he is not calling has now become way beyond my adult comprehension.

My motto is I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, and there are only a few who have been on the latter end. I prefer to just be me, a nice girl looking for a nice guy..

PATTY.

~Dare to believe in yourself~..

Comment #11

"My motto is I can be your best friend or your worst enemy", hehehehe.I agree, you gotta be you. There is a sequel to the book, Why Men Marry B#tches, but they were sold out of that book. I need to sneak a peek at that book too. I have never thrown anything at a guy, but I have sure been tempted. I once threw my cell phone on the floor of my car after a frustrating phone call, but I don't like breaking my belongings, especially over something like a GUY. What a waste!!..

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

Categories: Home | Aug 2010 - Acne | Aug 2010 - Weight Loss | July 2010 - Weight Loss |

July 2010 - Crohn's Disease | July 2010 - Celiac Disease | June 2010 - Weight Loss | June 2010 - Acne |

May 2010 - Weight Loss | May 2010 - Acne | April 2010 - Weight Loss | Mar 2010 - Weight Loss |

Mar 2010 - Dieting | Mar 2010 - Acne | Feb 2010 - Weight Loss | Feb 2010 - Dieting |

Jan 2010 - Dieting | Jan 2010 - Acne | Jan 2010 - Weight Loss | Dec 2009 - Acne |

Dec 2009 - Dieting | Dec 2009 - Weight Loss | Nov 2009 - Weight Loss | Nov 2009 - Dieting |

Oct 2009 - Dieting | Oct 2009 - Fitness | Oct 2009 - Weight Loss | Sep 2009 - Weight Loss |

Sep 2009 - Dieting | Aug 2009 - Dieting | Aug 2009 - Weight Loss | July 2009 - Weight Loss |

July 2009 - Dieting | Jun 2009 - Weight Loss | June 2009 - Dieting | May 2009 - Weight Loss |

May 2009 - Dieting | April 2009 - Weight Loss | April 2009 - Dieting | March 2009 - Weight Loss |

Feb 2009 - Weight Loss | Jan 2009 - Weight Loss | Dec 2008 - Weight Loss | Dec 2008 - Diet Programs |

Dec 2008 - Dieting | Dec 2008 - Diets | Nov 2008 - Dieting |

 

(C) Copyright 2010 All rights reserved.