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Confused about our future

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This is a long story, so thanks in advance. I'm a 4th year medical student and am starting to apply to residency programs for after I graduate in May 2008. I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy for 14 months who is also getting his graduate degree in May 2008. Because we are both starting to think about post-graduation plans, I had a discussion with him recently about where our relationship (thru Match.com) is going, and basically he said that he has thought about us getting married but is not ready to make that kind of decision yet. This leaves me with a tough decision of whether to look for a residency with him in mind or if I should make my own plans since the future is uncertain for us. He wants to get a job in his hometown, but I really don't want to live there, but am willing to do it so we can be together.

All he ever talks about is going back to his hometown, which makes me think that he isn't really considering my desires at this point. A lot of the top residency programs are in places where he said he would never live. It doesn't seem fair for him to have his heart set on living in one city and being deadset against a lot of the cities I'm interested in. I know that we aren't engaged yet, but it doesn't seem unreasonable for us to at least apply to jobs in the same cities since we might get engaged before next May. Even if we aren't engaged, it doesn't seem unreasonable for us to live in the same city and continue dating.Anyway, sorry for the long story..

Comments (4)

Your question was: Confused about our future.

Look for your program without him in mind. It's your professional career you're talking about. <<<He is not ready to make that kind of decision yet>>>, marrying you that is. Leave him your address and number and if he wants to get married he'll know where to look for you. I'm sure he's not looking for his program based on your needs, he's not ready to make a committment...

Comment #1

In these situations it is a good idea to think about your question as if the roles were reversed. What do you think HE would do if he were looking for a residency program? I don't know many men who would take a chance and hurt their career long term by picking a program that would be less than stellar, regardless of the woman whom they are dating. On the other hand, I know that women do consider the relationship (thru Match.com) in making this type of decision. Why? Because we think with our hearts more than men do.Another factor to consider: How serious do you think he really is about this relationship (thru Match.com) TODAY? Saying that he thinks about marriage (in a vague way) and actually planning a future with you is different. If you are already seeing a conflict in living arrangements, it may be best to take a step back and ponder the reverse roles and maybe talk to your parents about this or someone who does know your medical abilities and potential and who also has met this guy and has seen the two of you together.I know it sucks when your heart is being pulled at, but with a career like yours on the line, you really need to think it through carefully, and not just listen to a quick answer by someone posting back a reply to you on this board...

Comment #2

You've worked very hard to get where you are, and if he is not ready to make a decision that would prioritize your relationship (thru Match.com) (marriage) and consider your wants as heavily as his own, then why should you?My opinion is that nothing defines a person more than the choices he/she makes. People make choices based on their priorities, regardless of whether or not they are aware of what their priorities are. I know this can't be an easy decision to make. Good luck.Holly..

Comment #3

You state,"He wants to get a job in his hometown, but I really don't want to live there..."Why would you go some place you don't want to go to? To follow a guy/relationship? While I believe it's important to do all that you can to maintain a relationship (thru Match.com) (especially when it's with someone you deeply love and may marry some day), you have to remember that both of you are entering a new phase in your life (following through on your careers). What might have worked then, may not work now.It wouldn't hurt you to apply for residencies in places where you want to go and in places where he might want to go. Once you get in, you can then weigh all the factors involved and then decide.You have to remember that during you're residency, you may not even have a lot of time to date. And he may not be the type to be able to handle that. Why risk going somewhere you don't want to go for your residency, he ends up not liking your hours, commitments, etc. you guys break up, and then your stuck somewhere you don't want to be?Follow a program/residency that is truly where you want to be.

Maybe he's persistant in going "home" b/c he feels you'll sacrafice your dreams to follow him, regardless. or2. He's persistant in going "home" and figures you wouldn't give up your dream career/residency. Therefore, he's never the one determining the state of your relationship. And he's fine as long as he gets what he wants.

If you're not, he'll manage.You're damned if you go with him and it doesn't work out. No real blame on him, you WERE the one who decided to come.You're damned if you don't go with him. You're the one bailing out on the relationship. I only bring this up, b/c you didn't expand a lot on your relationship (thru Match.com) (there's not enough time and room, right?) and how you truly feel about him. Are your thoughts on becoming "possibley engaged" just a natural part of the course in a relationship (thru Match.com) (well we've been together for a long time, it's only natural we do this..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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