Your question was: Can someone please delete my match.com profile. username is metome password kenzie?.
I dont think you should read too much into this situation. It is probably just a case of "mismatch" combined with "need time after breakup." You can see he has many great qualities, but there are some things that are missing for you. While sex is not everything, it is an important ingredient to a successful relationship (thru Match.com) in the eyes of many people. There are erectile dysfunction meds that can have effects for 36 hours if you are interested in going in that direction. You want all the things that this man provides you, you probably just dont want it from him..
As far as your ex goes, just tell him to beat it. I know you wish it was your ex kissing you but your ex will not provide you with what this guy does so dreaming about him is a waste of time. Taking time for yourself is important in processing the normal emotions that arise during and after a breakup. No sense taking out hurt feelings and confusion on men who didnt cause your pain..
Thanks snafu for your advice...It made alot of sense to me and gave me something to think about. Im not so sure the new guy is a mismatch as much it's just bad timing. I realize it's going to take a lot of time to get over the ex, if I only would have stuck to the No Contact from the start I may have been further along than I am. All this contact did for me with the ex, was allow him to hold onto a part of me, and that was to benefit himself, and nothing good has come it for me. Its only caused me more pain and confusion. A lost feeling..
Your ex will not provide you with what this guy does so dreaming about him is a waste of time. .
I can honestly say that in the short time Ive known the new guy that he can certainly provide me with ALL the things my ex couldnt. A few that stand out already are: honesy, committment, respect, and selflessness on his part. Just the last few days Ive been sick in bed and hes reached out to me just to check on me, and honestly the ex didnt do that for me, there were always excuses like hunting, fishing, friends....everything else came before me...
I dont want to stop seeing him just yet, Ive talked to him about taking it slower and hes not always done too well at it, which has made me feel like hes a controlling person, but Ive noticed the last few days a change in him like he's really trying to back it up and respect my wishes. So maybe I should just relax and see what happens naturally and SLOWLY over time. Sticking to this NC with the ex will help Im sure. I really believe it's time for me to move on...
You know you were right, it's not fair to take out my confusion or hurt feelings on a man that didnt cause them, no one deserves that, and I think it's important that I remember that every person we meet in life or every relationship (thru Match.com) we have is different and unique.......afterall why would I want anyone like the ex. he was a liar and a cheat, and has hurt me so many times, and I honestly think he has no heart inside himself. .
You are very lucky to have found someone so nice. I hope that it is just a matter of timing..
"I can honestly say that in the short time Ive known the new guy that he can certainly provide me with ALL the things my ex couldnt."> that's pretty much a ((wow!!)) to me..
"Just the last few days Ive been sick in bed and hes reached out to me just to check on me, and honestly the ex didnt do that for me, there were always excuses like hunting, fishing, friends....everything else came before me... "> your ex sounds totally selfish - this new guy sounds much better..
"Ive talked to him about taking it slower and hes not always done too well at it, which has made me feel like hes a controlling person, but Ive noticed the last few days a change in him like he's really trying to back it up and respect my wishes. So maybe I should just relax and see what happens naturally and SLOWLY over time.".
I am not sure how well "taking things slower" goes because many times the other person gets hurt and then they feel they cant act like themselves. When I have encountered that scenario I usually just tell the person that if I seem standoffish it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. I dont want the guy to not be himself with me because I need to be able to assess whether that person is right for me or not. If a guy holds back I cant tell..
"Sticking to this NC with the ex will help Im sure. I really believe it's time for me to move on... ".
No contact works like a dream. You'll be happy you did it..
" its important that I remember that every person we meet in life or every relationship (thru Match.com) we have is different and unique.......afterall why would I want anyone like the ex. he was a liar and a cheat, and has hurt me so many times, and I honestly think he has no heart inside himself. "> well said. ..
Hi "Deb" ... I remember your story with previous guy very well ... we've emailed many times over the last couple years ...I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out ... but not too surprised given the dynamics of the relationship..
Anyhoo, since I feel like I know you from previous threads and our emails over the years ... I'm going to say ... it probably is too soon to have the kind of relationship (thru Match.com) this new guy seems to want. .
So, you have to be 100% honest with him ... and if he chooses to continue with you then ... that's his choice. That's his hurt to bear if/when things don't work out because you're not ready yet. .
However, he may be so smitten and hopeful that he isn't seeing things clearly for himself. Kwim? .
I think that in situations like this, we have a moral responsibility to ourselves and to others to let ... them ... go ... if/when WE KNOW within ourselves that we just are not there yet. That's taking the high road. .
Meaning, don't ALLOW someone else to ALLOW himself to be your rebound. He may very well be willing to take that position ... but, if I were you, I would let him go. Or, at the very least, be VERY clear with him and flat out say ", you are a wonderful man but, as you know, i'm still fresh off a painful breakup ... so there is a high chance that you are going to be a rebound. I don't want to see you get hurt and I don't want to hurt you ... so, I'm letting you know where my heart and head is at so you can make an informed decision?".
What if your ex had done that with you from the get-go? He may have spared you a couple of years of hope and 'waiting' for him, right? (or maybe not if you were not willing to see/take things at face value ... and who knows? This new guy may not be willing to take it at face value, either ... often happens when we're caught up in the infatuation and the 'high' of something new).
What if people actually had the cajones to give people the knowledge they need to make an INFORMED DECISION from the get-go? Wow, a change that would be!!.
(and I hate to say this ... but, the ex did give you a very key piece of info you needed to make an informed decision about him very early on ... you knew he he had a GF when you met him ... you just didn't know right away ... but, you had a choice to walk away once you found out he was still involved with someone else ... but, you didn't ...
As many people do when they are smitten or infatuated ... so, in hindsight ... as far as that relationship (thru Match.com) goes ... if you want to point to where it really should have ended and started to go wrong ... that was the moment ...
Getting involved with someone who is still involved with someone else is almost always a ticking timebomb ... as many tried to warn you ... but, we rarely learn our lessons thru advice ... if only we had the foresight to TAKE advice and learn from it ... but, no, in life we learn thru experience ...so, now you know that firsthand, too ...
This new guy sounds like a nice guy. And yes, you DESERVE a nice guy. We all do. But, timing in life is also key. And you are not healed yet. You're still broken. A bird that tries to fly with broken wings isn't going to get very far or very high, right? Your wings are still broken. So, don't try to fly until you can fly on your own, ok?.
Because if this guy is ready to fly, and you are aligning with him because in theory you know he's the type of guy you deserve ... but you aren't ready to allow yourself to honestly deserve that yet. I think you might hope he can help you heal, help you get over it (which is what rebounds are ... a distraction). But, he can't do that for you. Only you can do that for yourself.
When you said << and I think it's because Im still wishing in the corner of my mind it was my ex that Im kissing.....>>.
Ok, so ... you wish you were kissing a lying, cheating jerk? Hmmm, that doesn't make much sense. Nor is it very fair to the new guy. If you want to be honest with yourself, and with him, let him go. So that a) you can not be distracted with your own healing and b) he find someone who is equally as turned on and attracted to him as he is to you ... and is equally as READY for what he wants to offer and can offer the same. .
<< Im scared Im going to always want the man that I cant have, and if I do that there will never be anyone else again for me......Im 47 and divorced, I want a life with someone again.....>>.
Love and fear cannot co-exist. So, you're still scared. Fine. Be scared by yourself while you heal. Be scared here on the boards. Don't be scared while trying to heal by 'using' someone else because you're afraid there will never be anyone else again for you. Your EX wasn't the RIGHT GUY for you, either. Just remember that. .
First and foremost, while you may want a life with someone again ... the life/relationship you have with yourself is THE most important relationship (thru Match.com) you will ever have ... so, work on developing a better relationship (thru Match.com) with yourself first ... and better relationships with men will follow. .
Well Id say you gave me alot to think about, and first off he is aware that Im not long out of this relationship, and he seems to be accepting of that fact, yet Im the one that feels bad because I wouldnt want to hurt him like Ive been hurt by the ex. .
We havent communicated for awhile so I just want to clarify a few things...Yes I found out not long after I met Tom that he had a girlfriend and then Tom lead me to believe it was over. I found out later on, after I was in way over my head that not only had he never ended it with her, she had been living in his home for the past 3 years. It wasnt until she moved out that he told me the truth.....since that day I tried to forgive him and trust him again, but the entire "relationship" went down hill from there. It became impossible for me to properly function within the relationship (thru Match.com) because I constantly had my guard up wondering what was true and what wasnt. .
So now theres the anwsers to all those unanwsered questions I lived with and posted about here on the boards....it wasnt his kids he didnt want me involved with, it wasnt him ashamed of his home, it wasnt him unable to make a committment....it WAS a live in girlfriend. So as you stated:.
What if people actually had the cajones to give people the knowledge they need to make an INFORMED DECISION from the get-go? Wow, a change that would be!!.
Yes that would have been very helpful and Im sure would have changed the path my life took....
I didnt go looking for this new guy he just kind of came along into my life, and I went out with him to dinner, and here I am.....I feel absolutely horrible that he pays this kind of attention to me, and Im still walking around with feelings for Tom....and god help me I dont understand how I could have any feelings left for him! All I can come up with on that one is that there were good times, and it's the good times we tend to miss, and once you told me that he was my "transition guy" and as my therapist told me months ago, sometimes no matter how bad it was or is they can be the hardest ones to let go of....
Ill have that talk with the new guy again and maybe it's best that I just take the lead and leave him no choice. Because my intention isnt to hurt anyone here.
<< and he seems to be accepting of that fact, yet Im the one that feels bad because I wouldnt want to hurt him like Ive been hurt by the ex. >>.
Yes, however ... when we are in the midst of something that seems promising it is hard to see the forest thru the trees, so to speak. It is difficult to have clarity and make the best of decisions for ONESELF when you can't see things from the outside in. So, while he may be accepting of the fact ... he may also be in the 'fog' of a new relationship (thru Match.com) ... or at least the idea of one ... and therefore, isn't taking what you are saying at face value. .
Like I said before, the best you can do is fully explain it to him ... and yes, actually use the words "you may end up being my rebound here" (sucks but ... you can't be more clear than that) ... and he chooses to stay ... that's his choice ... his hurt to bear. And, I"m not even saying he WILL get hurt ...
You are getting over something very lousy ... not just getting over a relationship (thru Match.com) that ran it's course, which is much easier to deal with than the hurt you incurred with Tom. .
More importantly, more so than HIS benefit ... is YOUR benefit. Do you REALLY think it is in YOUR best interest to start something new this quickly? .
Whether it just happened or not ... he just came along and you didn't intend to start dating (online dating with Match.com) ... the reality is ... you are ... and you have a choice to make. "Just happened" is not something we can allow ourselves to fall back on at our age. "Just happened" is for young adults ... 20-somethings who don't truly know better ... at our age, accountablity and responsibility land squarely on our own shoulders. .
As for the break up detail ... I'm SOOOOO sorry it happened like that ... << it wasnt his kids he didnt want me involved with, it wasnt him ashamed of his home, it wasnt him unable to make a committment....it WAS a live in girlfriend. >>... Sue, the guy is P-I-G. As you are aware. That is the lowest of low ... leading you to believe for SO LONG that you were the only one. .
So yes ... God please help you understand why you still have feelings for such a monumental a-hole. I"m not going to waste a bit more mindshare on that ... it so isn't worth it. Let it all go, hon ... let it go. Karma's a pain the you-know-where is all I can say about that ... and he will get his.
<< All I can come up with on that one is that there were good times, and it's the good times we tend to miss, and once you told me that he was my "transition guy" and as my therapist told me months ago, sometimes no matter how bad it was or is they can be the hardest ones to let go of.... >>.
My opinion? The relationships that were always the hardest for me to let go were the ones that were full of promise but never really much fulfilled. Do you know what I mean?.
Its the relationships that we have that are all potential ... potential that is never really fulfilled ... and we invest in that potential with little more than just that ... the HOPE of something better to come. And, it's that unresolved, unmanifested potential that leaves us feeling depleted and saddened when it all comes to an end.
Its like investing in a stock and it never pays off. Well, then you later realize that not all investments have a return. That some are just bad investments. Sue ... Tom had zero return on investment, that's all. So, you feel 'robbed' of your investment. That is, your time and the love you offered. .
However, as time goes on, you realize that it wasn't just him that didn't return on the investment ... it wasn't just him that robbed/cheated you of your time ... it is equally YOU ... because you knowingly took a risk on a poor investment ... and instead of "selling" while it still wasn't going to cost you much ... you continued to invest. So, in hindsight you say "my bad, you win some, you lose some." But, NOW you certainly know what to look for next time you invest, right? Right. .
And to be able to properly re-invest ... you have to refill your funds. But right now ... your 'funds' are still pretty low ... that last investment drained you out pretty good, no? So, take some time to replenish yourself ... so, you can re-invest again without it breaking you (or someone else)..
Ok, analogy complete. But, I think you get it. .
You feel rotten still because your investment didn't pay off. And, it's not so much HIM you miss ... it's the potential and the hope of that relationship (thru Match.com) you so very much wanted with him that simply never got to be. Such is life ... live and learn. ..