I completely agree with Sheri! He/she who asks is the one who should offer to pay. And like Sheri, it has not generally been my experience that a guy expects if he pays for dinner (even back in my 20s when one would think it would be even more prevalent for a guy to be cheap and expect sex)..
If I may ask, what have any of these guys done to give you that impression?..
The guy always pays for me for everything. They're very traditional. ..
I took into consideration what you said about "is it all in my head?" Well I will tell you why I think this. This has happened with the last 2 guys I have dated. With the first guy, we were at a club and there are alot of hotels around us and he went and got a room without even telling me first. This totally freaked me out. Of course I didnt stay and that was the last date. The second guy, took me out to dinner and to a club an then was very much pushing himself on me. I was in no way open for this and wasn't even attracted to this guy.
All of my long term relationships have been very traditional. I guess it's just part of dating. I am glad to know that you guys agree that if the man ask you for dinner he should pay...
Since you are back into the dating (online dating with Match.com) scene you may very well encounter some clods who will try to railroad you with some horizontal mambo moves so dont think everything is in your head. .
I agree with Sheri on a few key points, such as he who asks...pays. Initially, I do consider treating to be a courting gesture as well. At some point I do split the bill because, afterall, you become a couple...
OK, well IMO, this is not necessarily indicative that because they bought you dinner, they expect sex. With the guy who got the hotel room, he sounds like a jerk who was expecting sex no matter what - whether he paid, you paid or no one paid for dinner. With the second guy, again, it doesn't sound as if he was expecting sex in exchange for dinner, just that he was a slime who decided he'd push himself on you. But in neither case does it sound like the guy said "Well, sheesh, I bought you dinner, what did you expect??".
I personally think you may be choosing the wrong men. I also have never had guys expect sex, book hotel rooms, practically force themselves on me... on the first date. Sure, sometimes you may have no clue that this guy will be a jerk, but often there will be some clues - he'll be overly flirty or even bring up sex before you meet, he'll call you "honey", "sweetie" or other cute pet names, he'll seem pushy or over-eager in other areas... there are subtle things (and not so subtle things) to look for. If anything makes you go hmmm, then trust your instinct..
To answer the original question - I agree with the "whoever asks pays" early on in a relationship. I also find it a nice gesture that around date using Match.com 3 or 4 if I haven't paid for anything, I will offer to pay for drinks or dinner or something. Most guys I've dated really like that..
<< This has happened with the last 2 guys I have dated. With the first guy, we were at a club and there are alot of hotels around us and he went and got a room without even telling me first. >>.
Ok, I'm going to be blunt ... but, I can tell you exactly why this is happening. You're going to clubs on dates. So, don't go to CLUBS on dates. Particularly on the first few dates. .
Think about this ... what do people do at clubs? Drink, dance, drink some more ... they are usually noisy ... so, you can't really have a meaningful conversation. Does this sound like a great place for a date? No. .
Go to clubs with your friends, but not with guys. .
I'll be straight-up with you about this ... guys go to clubs to HOOK UP ... that's it. Guys (at least not the straight ones) do not go to clubs because they 'love to dance.' So, whether you go WITH the guy or you meet a guy AT a club ... he's there to hook up. .
So, now that you know ... don't go to clubs on dates, ok?.
As for the first guy and the hotel room, if there was drinking involved then ... yes, I could understand getting a hotel room. Good for him. Not good for him for not telling you first. .
As for second guy who << took me out to dinner and to a club an then was very much pushing himself on me >> ... well, clubs are condusive to people pushing themselves on other people. Its nice that he took you to dinner ... but, then ... you should have asked to go home. .
Sorry, but I think you opened yourself up to this by going to clubs on a date using Match.com ... if traditional dating (online dating with Match.com) is what you're used to, then ... you can see how going to clubs on dates could send a message that you're 'up for a good time' ... since that is what people do at clubs, right?.
Now you know better. ;-).
My opinion if it's a first date using Match.com through online dating (online dating with Match.com) - I ALWAYS offer & expect to pay half. I figure - it's not fair to expect a guy to be shelling out $ for a bunch of one-hit wonder dates. I also think a first date using Match.com should be more casual - maybe a drink or a coffee. if it goes well - THEN go out to dinner..
If a guy you already know invites you to dinner, i'd expect he'd pay but I'd still offer. I find they usually don't accept which is the way I think it should be..
Just my opinion...
I think that whoever does the asking should do the paying. I even do this with my BF. We've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for a little while now and if I do the asking, I pay. Sometimes he doesn't let me, which I like. .
Sorry for jumping in late, but great ? .
Welcome to the board!!.
Great input about online dating. I've never had the guts to online date, so this is good advice..
To me, if you meet for coffee (which is generally what I do for the first meet), and the guy doesn't even buy you a cup of coffee, that's a huge turnoff. But again, if I can tell from the start it's not a match, I'll pay for my own..
I guess for me personally, I don't understand offering to pay your share for dinner if you would judge the guy negatively for accepting. Isn't that kind of deceptive? I know from my men friends that at least some of them get confused when women do this because they think either she will be offended if they don't say ok, sure, or they think the woman just wants to be friends or something. And of course when I tell them that I only offer if I don't want to see the guy again that further confuses it. .
But then of course there are the guys who get upset and think you're a gold digger if you *don't* offerit's a jungle out there ;-). All we can do is what feels right for ourselves, I guess, and hope a guy we're interested in has the same views..
They type of man who pays and thinks that entitles him to demand or at least manipulate him into sex is giving you priceless info worth far more than the cost of the dinner - he is bad news and you want nothing more to do with him..
There are plenty of guys who are emotionally generous and enjoy treating a woman, no strings attached. That doesn't mean of course that the woman should never contribute or should take advantage by ordering the most expensive item on the menu, etc.
I've only online dated a few times & it was never fun... but I have friends who do it & they expect the guys to pay all the time. I don't know maybe it's me I never EXPECT a guy to pay, but i'm always pleased when they do..
And thanks for the welcome I posted here years ago & just started reading again & chiming in :-)..
Who pays for dinner? NO ONE!! You cause a HUGE distraction and sprint out of the joint, meet up in the parking lot and make sweet monkey love, right there on the hood of the car! If someone comes running after you, you use your 'invisible powers', and continue making sweet monkey love. ).
(IF... you have a sense of humor).