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Hey everyone,I have a terrible situation I need advice with. I will try to sum up the whole story, tho it will be hard to do! Sorry if it's long!!!My bf and I were neighbors when he moved in with his family next door to my family. Shortly after, I moved nearby and got my own place. We were good friends and dated on and off. He did not seem to be ready for a girlfriend and had a bunch of "issues." His problems got worse about a year after I moved into my own apartment and he had to stay with me because his Mom kicked him out. He was gambling, drinking sometimes, not working steadily- and it was a terrible situation; still we were dating (online dating with Match.com) and I felt like no one else would help him.

A year later he was making big improvements and by this time we had become a couple. We both wanted to get out of where we lived and I had plans to go to grad school. So, we decided to move three hours away so I could go to school, he could get a better job (because I was paying most of our bills if not all) and we could start a new life together away from "the city".When we moved, we struggled at first and he still had flare ups of his problems, but within the first 6 months of moving, he got help for all of his issues, got an amazing job, and really turned over a new leaf. He contributed half to the bills, started treating me more nicely, and even helped out with chores and helped me proof-read my grad school papers! We went on fun day trips and did outdoor activities and even joined a gym!After a year in our apartment, we didnt like the landlady or the immediate neighborhood and decided to move. I thought it a good time to take stock of the relationship (thru Match.com) before we signed a new lease and moved in together again.

He talked of this apt as being our last before we would buy a house together. We talked about having children and getting married. He said he could never leave me because he loved me so much and we were a family now.Cue six months into the new apartment...he switched jobs (same job- different company) and liked that job even more! He was making good money and started to work a lot of overtime. I didnt know anyone in the area and lived far from school so I was sort of isolated. I asked him how much longer the long shifts and overnight shifts were going to continue because we never saw each other anymore! He assured me it was only a couple of weeks until he proved himself in the new job and made some extra money to get caught up on some bills.When it dragged on and I was feeling emotional detachment from him, I told him I could no longer do this unless we really worked on the relationship- I felt like we were roommates or friends.

I told him. The hours just got longer and longer. When I was out of town, I had suspicions that he had seen someone else. When I confronted him, he said he hung out with a girl after work and they kissed while drunk but it hadnt meant anything. He reassured me again he wanted to be with me and loved me.

But, once we got into it we had fun altho I was nervous and cautious the whole time. He even saw some baby clothes in a store and said "Oh thats what our babies will wear one day!" BUT, He got several calls and texts toward the end of the date using Match.com while I was driving home, but when I asked him about it he said he was texting me- and I got an "I love you" text in my phone. We went home and watched a movie together. As soon as the movie ended he jumped up and put on his coat to "go for a drive to think". SO WEIRD! He then left and immediately got on his phone on the way down the stairs.

I said that I could not do this anymore and he said alright and that we'd talk in two minutes- he was driving back now. I said "oh no- is it bad??" and he said "no...no! Not at all!" He walked thru the door and without taking off his jacket said, "We cant be together anymore. I dont love you that way." I found out she had called him and thats where he had gone (to talk to her).He never really let me say anything or talk to him - about our bills, our apartment, our relationship. Whenever he calls it is brief and he still lies that he is with her. He hasn't been home in a week tho- so I imagine he is sleeping somewhere!In case the time frame is confusing- we have known each other for nearly six years.

I figured out what happened from my angle of things and he SAYS he loves and cares about me and wants to hear what I have to say. But, I feel like if he just left to be with another girl- he is not going to care about what went wrong or if I still love him. (He keeps telling me I don't/ didn't and just needed him around). I really worked on this with a counselor and by myself for the last 3 weeks and would like to sit down and talk. But, if he left me for another girl and they are THIS obsessed (she texts and calls him 100 times a day- he is on my family cell phone plan...she bought him expensive valentine gifts while we were still together...etc.) how can he see reality with me?*sigh* Please advise! Thanks!..

Comments (5)

Hon, you aren't dense - you know what's going on - this guy can't decide what it is he wants so he keeps 2 women in limbo.  This is not about what he says - it's about what he does - and his actions show he is a man who has no clue what he wants or what he has - thus the going back and forth.

Rather than asking the pointless 'what's going on?' question - ask yourself 'why am I allowing this?'  - You allow him to do this dance of confusion because in some ways you are doing the same thing - by waiting for him to decide. YOU have to decide what it is you want and need in a relationship (thru Match.com) and then see how well he matches up. YOU have to choose what is best for you and clearly communicate that - it's not up to him.

When you decide that you have had enough of his 'can't decide' games, you will uninvite him from your life. Ask him to leave the house or move out. He has to make a choice on his own - but so do you. So what if he calls you - if he isn't willing to give 100% in a committed relationship (thru Match.com) (if this is what you want) then do not allow him any access. Do not compete with another woman and do not allow him to play both sides of the fence. He isn't in charge of your happiness - you are.

Do not allow him back unless or until it's 100% how you want it and need it to be.

Hon, if you have to beg (literally or figuratively speaking) a man for his attention, he isn't worth your time. You deserve better - but you have to choose it.  You can't make him 'see' anything - that's on him. Love sometimes means letting go gracefully - even when you know they are making a huge mistake.

Your destiny isn't tied to anyone who leaves. And any man who would choose another woman over you is a man who has left. Sounds like he still needs to grow up some.

Take care of you - you are stronger than he is. Do what is necessary to live your life to the best of your ability.

Hugs,.

Toni..

Comment #1

Hi bballsweety,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Sorry that this is happening to you.  This sounds like he's cheating on you!!! and he's being a coward about the truth.  He's not thinking of you and I'd bet he's acting out of guilt..

So trust your gut and take care of yourself.  He doesn't think he needs you anymore.  He's got his life together and he want to see what's out there for him.  I'm so sorry that this sounds so harsh.  In 06 I went through a similar situation.  My husband of 10 years had an affair and didn't have the guts to tell me and then just up and left and you're right - he was sleeping some where!!.

It is really important to protect yourself is a lot of way, financially - do you have any joint bills?, physically - is he having unprotected sex with someone else - just go get tested!!, and emotionally - do you have a close friend or family member that you can share all of this with?  You don't and shouldn't bare this by yourself!!.

As a note of encouragement.  Life gets better after all of this bad stuff!!!  I'm finaically okay on my own, I've found a really good man = we're a couple but this toward the beginning of stuff, and I feel the best I have about myself than I ever had before..

Good Luck,.

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Comment #2

Thanks everyone for your advice. You all bring up excellent points. It is just so hard after such a long time and going thru so much with him already...

Comment #3

I'll just add to what the other posters have mentioned.  It seems that he is the one in control of 3 lives and he isnt doing a very good job of it.  I know you are asking what is going on, and it is pretty obvious that he doesnt want to have an exclusive monogamous relationship (thru Match.com) with you any longer..

Other than that..you really dont need to know anything else to determine what kind of life you want..

Clearly you dont wish to share him with another person and if that is the only option he is providing you then you have to move on because in this case something is not better than nothing.  You'll do much better on your own...

Comment #4

You are so right that it is so very hard!!!  you can make it through this.  keep us posted!!!.

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Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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