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Between 2 men

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I cant believe I am saying this, but I am torn between two great guys, one has become pretty much my best friend (willy) since moving here a year ago and the other my boyfriend (andy) that I have been with since April.  Willy and I live in the same building and he has been great at introducing me around to people in town when I moved here a year ago, he had a long distance relationship (thru Match.com) with a girl (things have been rocking since I met him) and he ended it at the end of June this year.  Willy and I are the same age, had a lot of fun together, and yah, I admit it when I first met him thought he was cute, smart, successful and very loyal that he told me he had a gf right away; so I immediately knew off limits.  Willy is a huge success in sales.

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Andy is a great guy and tells me everyday how lucky he is to be with me and how beautiful, smart, successfultons of compliments.  We are about ten years apart and both work in corporate..

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One night in July, Willy and I went out together (as typical), got pretty drunk and he poured it out to me/heart on the line telling me how attracted he was to me, compliments galore etc., and we spent the entire night until I had to go to work at 7am just talking.  He knows I am with Andy, but wanted to let me know.  I was in shock and told him that I am with Andy and did not want to be his rebound girl.  Since the night in july, I have taken a huge step back from hanging out with Willy as I wanted to be a good gf to Andy.  I have hung out a tad with other people and everytime I am around him, I see that I have feelings for him so try not too..

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On Wednesday, it was Willys thirtieth birthday party and I felt that I needed to go as he was such a great friend and over 200 people were going.  I decided to take Willy out for drinks/dinner on Tuesday night as a bday gift and of course I drank a lot too and told him that yes, I definitely have feelings for you, but I am with Andy.  He kept trying to kiss me and I told him, you know I dont kiss until the third date using Match.com so we talked a lot and I am completely torn between two guys.  I went to his Bday party on Weds, he was introducing me to his family, all his friends, and then I pretty much snuck out as I am loaded with guilty feelings..

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I dont know what to do.  Andy is so great and wonderful to me.  Willy at the same time has always been so great and wonderful to me as well.  Willy scares me because of my ex-husband, very successful in sales, nightlife/social scene.  Willy is very good looking-tall, dark, and handsome.  I dont have any reason not to trust Willy, but I feel that I can trust Andy one hundred percent.  When I am with Andy, I feel that I can trust him completely (as he does to me), it is a very healthy relationship (thru Match.com) as he spends time/goes away on weekends with his friends as do I, laugh together, travel together, and respects that I work a lot..

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I am soooo confused and so torn, any advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post!..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Between 2 men.

While it would be easy for me to advise you to be true to your BF, your heart could be telling you something different..

These issues do crop up when men and women hang out together as friends when there can always be an underlying attraction..

The smartest thing to do...if you do not love Andy...is to break up with Andy and do NOT go out with Willy.  The reason that is the smartest thing to do if you do not love Andy is because you need to clear your mind and think about what direction you want to go in life.  If you do not spend any time with either man...and allow yourself the time to  be alone...you will see which way to go. If you leave Andy for Willy...it will boomerang right back in your face. Eventually he will leave you for someone else.  It usually happens this way to women who do that...dont know why..

But, if you do love Andy, then stick with Andy and stop hanging out with Willy.  Why is Andy not around when you hang out with Willy?..

Comment #1

Thanks for your advice snafu....that is just it and what I am struggling with on two things you metioned. 1) I do know that I want a family-good husband and healthy kids more than anything and know that andy and even willy would be great at it some day, so then why am I soo confused is what I am trying to figure out?.

2) I do love Andy and care very deeply for him, I kept things very slow as we met in january and did not get serious until april as my divorce (moved out july 2006) was final in december and wanted to take time for myself....andy wanted a commitment from me in feb and said that I couldn't and both of us continued dating (online dating with Match.com) others/still friends and then in april I felt I knew that andy was the one for me and we have been committed ever since.  Andy also works/travels long hours and he has at least 1-2 weekend work trips a month.  He has met Willy and I even told Andy about july a few weeks after it happened as he said to me again, I think Willy has a huge crush on you and wants you (he said that to me in april too, but I was like he has a gorgeous skinny gffunny thing is that willy's x-gf always claimed that willy was into me until andy and I became committed) ...I told him about July and he asked me what I wanted and I told Andy that I obviously wanted him or I wouldn't be here right now.  Andy and I used to work at the same company until the end of July and I left the company to work somewhere else, a small part of the reason being that I wanted to be clear on my feelings for Andy, since obviously I have been very confused.  When I told Andy that I did not want to commit to him in february, people (he is the big star in the company) were not as nice to me (nothing that Andy said, just being a little snubbish). .

The past couple months I have had more time away from Andy as I don't travel on work trips with him/wanting/having time to myself.  As Willy and I live in the same building and there being only one bar/restaurant on the block, it is pretty easy to run into him especially as he has introduced me to everyone I know in town.  Willy is the town sweetheart/star and everybody loves him as he is a great contributor to the community as well.  That is also the big issue that I am stuggling/negatvie about Willy that if things didn't work out, all my friends/his friends are going to be true to him kind of like the work situation with Andy all over again, but where I live.  I don't know what to tell Willy?I have told him that things I clearly have mixed thoughts about andy as I switched companies and people thought I was crazy to do that...

Comment #2

I cant believe that the people in your previous company snubbed you because you couldnt commit to Andy at that time.  How sick are people these days?  I think everyone has lost their minds and have taken bullying and intimidation to a new and sicker level than I ever thought possible..

So Andy is the company star and Willy is the community star.  Okay...no more stars for you..hehe.  You can leave your company and start over elsewhere, like you did and that was a great move on your part given the sick people you worked with. However, if things dont work out with Willy, you'd have to leave town. .

It is dangerous to date using Match.com or marry someone who has been elevated to the social positions that these two men have been elevated to.  If you date using Match.com Willy, people all over town will "keep an eye on you" for him and will make sure that if you make any transgression he'll find out about it..

What to tell Willy?  Just tell Willy that you made a decision that dating (online dating with Match.com) him wouldnt feel right.  Take the high road and say that you want to give your relationship (thru Match.com) with Andy a chance and do not feel it is right to leave one man for another, as tempting as he may be, but you are hoping that you can stay on good terms...

Comment #3

I agree. The only way to truly figure out how you feel is to spend some time alone listening to your heart.

,..

Comment #4

I cant believe I am typing this right now, but for me I am in shock with myself.  I realize that I am sort-of lucky to be in the situation, but not really.  So I went out with a few friends on Wednesday and met up with Willy afterwards, we ending up going clubbing/dancing/drinking and we finally kissed as he dropped me off at homeI am so in shock with myself.  All, I could think about yesterday was Andy and how guilty I feel and we went out last night for a drink and he dropped the I love you write to my face (which, yes, I am even more guilt-ridden).I am very confused right now and dont know what to do. .

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I do have a lot of fun with Willy and for the first time Wednesday night, his friends kept saying I cant believe how long Willy has been single for; we really think he has a crush on you (nobody really knows about the few dates/pouring it out sessions)..

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My confusion is that when I when I filed for a divorce in july of last year, Andy was the first guy that I was really into.  We actually dated from Sept-Nov and then I broke it off as I realized that I needed time to heal after my divorce/be alone/get therapy and help.  I then realized in March how much I missed Andy (after I was single and dating).  I wrote him a big appology letter and we slowly got back together/committed bf/gf june; pretty much the same time that Willy broke up with his gf.  After writing a lot of thoughts down the past week, it seems that I miss more of the great friendship that Willy and I had and I need to realize that I am never going to get that back.  I can see myself with Andy long term, but I can't say the same for Willy.  Willy's mother has been battling cancer and it got much worse the past week, they think she has at most another 2-3 weeks to live; I want(ed) to be there for Willy as a friend, but I see that I can't let this situation take advantage of me-how do I try to be a good friend/not wanting to let him down?.

I know that if I tell Andy this time that I need space, it will be over for good as this will be the second time.  After thinking it through the past couple days, I realize how much I care and love Andy.  I feel horribly guilty about kissing Willy the other night.  I know if I tell Andy, it will hurt him and I don't want to hurt him.  I want to focus on Andy as I realized how much I care for him.  As I am now saying that I want to focus on Andy, what do you suggest I do?  Part of me thinks that I should tell him that I kissed Willy, but the other part of me thinks that it was just a kiss (not too say it lightly) and I need to distance myself from Willy as much as possible.  .

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you for taking the time to listen to me..

Edited 9/29/2007 2:35 am ET by confused7772006..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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