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Hey guys,.

I am finally here to ask for an advice. I don't know if you have read my others posts about being depressed over a long-distance relationship, which ended 7 months ago, but this is a different situation.

After being single for those 7 months, I was dating (online dating with Match.com) many men, but never really liked anyone, since I was still missing my ex. Well, recently I met someone from a personals website, and we actually hit it off quite well. We had our first date using Match.com two weeks ago on Friday. I wasn't expecting the date using Match.com to go that well, since I just came out for a drink after work not planning on staying for a long time. Surprisingly I really liked the guy. Even though physically he is not exactly the best-looking dude ever, but he is kinda cute, and he also has an amazing personality.

That night we ended up hitting a few more bars and clubs. Since he lives in a nearby town, he ended up getting a hotel room, so I went with him. I did tell him that I don't want him to expect anything, and that I was going because I didn't want to go home to my parents (I live with them for now temporarily). He was cool with that, and all we did was just kiss once and snuggled that night. I told him that I don't do one night stands, so he was fine with that..

Anyways, I didn't think that we were going to continue dating (online dating with Match.com) each other, but surprisingly he asked me out again a week later on a Thursday night. I ended up meeting his female friend that he knew since his childhood, and we all went to a college bar and socialized for a while. That night we didn't even kiss, but held hands under the table while chatting to his friend. That was kinda cute..

Then, he asked me out again to a movie on a Monday night, and we went for a dinner and drinks again. After that we went to see Superbad and hit a local bar after. On the way home, we were making out in the streetcar, and it was really cute. The next day he told me over msn that I was a great kisser. We talk on msn a lot during the day, since we  both work from 9 - 5..

Well, last night he asked me out again after work. We both work downtown a few blocks apart from each other, so it's really easy to meet up. We went for a dinner and drinks again. And, were making out in the streetcar a little again on the way home..

Anyway, I really like him. I feel like I kinda got the feel of his personality, and we have lots in common. We have this amazing connection and can pretty much talk about anything. We both kinda discussed that we are not interested in sex only and are open to relationships. He is definetely a bf material, and he also had a gf for 4 years (been single for a year now). He spoils me all the time with dinners and drinks.

We also both discussed that we are not into playing games and are very straight-forward. So far everything has happened very naturally. I really enjoy spending time with this guy, and I really know that he feels the same way about me. So, here is my question..

He asked me to go up north to his cottage tomorrow to get away from the city, spend time together, and just enjoy the nature. He also said that we could chill in some bars there. So, basically, I would have to spend the night there, since he is not planning on returning untill Saturday afternoon. I really want to go, but it also means that we might have sex. So, do you think it is too soon to have sex with him yet? I mean, it would be our 5th date. I also haven't had sex in over 6 months, and I am dying to finally do it.

I also invited him to this DJ event on a Saturday night, so I am afraid that it might be a little weird to go out that night together after returning from the cottage. His friend is coming with us though, so it won't be that akward, I suppose.

A little background info: I am 22, and he is 25. Both are very motivated and career-driven people. He knows that I left my ex in another country for my career and that my life comes frst before men or anything else. I am also one of those people who has high expectations and somewhat  picky.

So, do you think having sex tomorrow night is going to be too soon, or should I just do it? I feel like we can connect even more after doing it, but at the same time it might be going a little too fast..

Any advice?..

Comments (25)

Your question was: Are we moving too fast?.

What do you normally do?  What has worked in the past for you?  The key is to be yourself. So if you normally have sex at about this point, then go for it.  Have an orgasm for me, will ya? - hehehe - Have fun =)..

Comment #1

Snafu, you are funny!.

Well,.

In the past I gave in too fast, but I was also very young. Not that I am old now or anything, but have a better clue of the whole men mentality. I think with my ex we waited like 5 dates, too, but we saw each other 5 days in a row...hahha, so that was very fast...Kinda like a love movie and swept by the passion.

So, if I do it tomorrow, I will try to make sure that it's passionate and bonding not just a straight-up bang ..LOL.

And, I will keep you updated..haha..

Comment #2

Definitely keep us update =).

"I will try to make sure that it's passionate and bonding not just a straight-up bang ..LOL"  How will you manage that?.

 ..

Comment #3

Do what feels comfortable, don't do what you feel you should do.  There is no rulebook here..

,..

Comment #4

Well,.

I will sweet talk him...hehe.

I am good like that! Can't wait for tonighy though, he already rented a car for us...awwwww..

Comment #5

Have a great time! Fill us in on the naughty details after the weekend!! hehe - Nah...just kidding.  Rental car...do you both not own cars?..

Comment #6

Hey Snafu,.

He is picking me up at around 7 today from the mall ( I am gonna go for a quick shopping spree before the trip...lol), so I am very excited. Yes, we don't own cars, since we both live in or near Toronto and work downtown. The transportation system is great here, and you don't really need a car to get around. It doesn't bother me. And, because we work downtown, it's way faster to get to work by subway rather than by car. Plus, I am somewhat of a minor environmentalist, so that's one of the reasons I don't own one.



XOXOX.

SasH..

Comment #7

Hey there,.

Here is the promised update. It was an amazing cottage getaway. I had tons of fun, and the nature was amazing. We had a very romantic drive and also went to the lake. Anyway, so we got a little drunk and ended up having sex. It was pretty nice, since we did it like 6 times in the matter of 12 hours.

The sex was amazing, but I didn't really feel 100% sexual chemistry, so I am a little confused now..

The next day we were supposed to go clubbing. He dropped me off at my place and went back to his to get ready. He was supposed to call me around 10, since we had to be at the place by 11:30 for the guest list. Anyways, he didn't call me, so I texted him and asked if he was still coming out with me. Then, 30 minutes later I called to say that I was leaving regardless if he was coming or not. So, I called, but no answer, so I took a cab and went to meet up with my friends.

He actually called me twice to let me know that he was on his way. When he showed up, I was already a little buzzed and was dancing with my friends. I ended up being very distant throughout the whole night, since I was offended that we didn't come together as planned and didn't want to act all clingy. I just acted really cool and didn't show any affection. He gave me a ride home at about 4, but I didn't give him a kiss or anything like that, since his friends were in the back seat.

Yesterday, we talked on msn. I was very moody, so I didn't talk much. I did hint that I wanted to go for a drink after work, but he said that he had to go drop his rental car off, so I ended up taking my Dad out for dinner instead. He also told me that September is going to super busy for him @ work. I am not sure whether that was a hint or what. He also knows that I am going through a hard time with my mom right now, and that I am a bit emotional..

Right now, I am in invisible mode on msn and don't really know if I want to chat with him right now. Ever since we had sex, I have felt kind of weird. I want to be with this guy a lot, but at the same time I don't know if I really like him. I am totally confused. I don't know how to act or what to do anymore. This is the first time when I connected with someone more on a mental level rather than on physical.

What do you guys think about this whole situtation?.

 .

 .

Edited 9/18/2007 10:47 am ET by sash96..

Comment #8

Hmm, interesting that you would say that about connecting mentally rather than physically.  To me, the fact that there is this weirdness now indicates that you *haven't* really connected mentally yet, and that's why getting physical has caused some weirdness.  I guess I'm thinking that if you had done so, you'd be able to talk about this stuff rather than both of you pulling back, etc..

It's pretty common to go through a period of uncertainty early in the dating (online dating with Match.com) process, which is why I think it's a good idea to wait longer to get physical.  But that's water under the bridge at this point.  Time will tell!  I would just see how things play outbe receptive when he contacts you rather than aloof and see what happens..

Sheri..

Comment #9

Sheri,.

Thanks for your advice. I guess you were right that I should have waited longer, but at least my physical need is satisfied. Even though, it's too late to do anything about it now. I have been feeling a little down lately about my life, so I might be overanalyzing things and being too sensitive..

So, he is online now, but still hasn't messaged me. I am starting to think that I was right from the beginning. I feel really used now, and it seems like I gave away my best card way too fast. I wrote on another board saying that I was scared that once I was going to have sex with the guy, he was going to lose interest in me, so now I feel like it's happening again. I am not going to do anything about it, I guess, will just try to move on. I updated my online profile last night and will most likely will start dating (online dating with Match.com) others..

He knows that I was going on dates a lot, so I am not sure what he is thinking. But, at the same time, I really want to leave this situation with class. I am so confused..

Comment #10

I'm sorry things wound up so weird for you guys.  The beginning sounded real nice.  The sex 6 times is normal, so dont sweat that.  You sound confused by the fact that the sex was good, however, you were not turned on by his body and didnt feel 100% sexual chemistry.   So are you attributing the great sex with a mental connection?  It could be...or it might not be due to a mental connection.  It could just be that you have a physical response to him where it's origin is not in someone's physical appearance.  That is a sign that you have widen the potential dating (online dating with Match.com) pool for yourself, which is a good thing.  That doesn't mean you have a mental connection with him...but I can see why you may be confused..

I would have been disappointed too if he didnt' go with me to the club.  Maybe he did it as a way of maintaining distance...so maybe you are on to something.  So ... as a knee jerk reaction...you pull back and he gets what he wants.  He then hints that September is a rough month to see him and now..your expectations are "none."  This guy is good...he is no amateur.  He obviously doesnt want to commit himself right now..

Sheri's post does ring true as well.  If youare still interested in pursuing something with him you willhave to play things his way,so if youwant to be warm and loving to him when he calls...then do so. If you are not willing to put up with his antics, then keep your distance. He may still contact you to see you again.  You will have to decide if you have a strong enough stomach for this ride..

I wish things would have gone better...

Comment #11

A guy losing interest after sex is always a possibility.  It's a risk you can reduce by waiting longer, but you can never completely eliminate itit's part of dating, unfortunately..

The two of you haven't discussed or agreed to exclusivity, right?  In that case you have no obligation to tell him anything about dating (online dating with Match.com) other people.  I personally am not comfortable sleeping with someone without having that agreement first, but everyone needs to figure out their own comfort zone.   But it's something to consider for future reference..

I don't think you need to do anythingas I said, if he contacts you, respond receptively (if you're still interested at that point) but other than that, there's really nothing that you need to do.  If you do decide that you're definitely no longer interested, you could call him and let him know but if he's not calling you at that point, it's not really necessary..

What do you mean, you were right from the beginning?  I guess I'm wondering, if you felt that way, why did you proceed?.

Sheri..

Comment #12

Thanks again, ladies, for your responses..

Sheri:.

I am always paranoid that a guy will lose interest in me after having sex, since it has happened to me a lot in the past. That's why, I assume that it's going to happen with every guy that I date. Not a good thing, I guess. We never agreed to being exclusive, but he knows that I am not having sex with others, even though I may be going on dates. He can do the same thing if he wants, since I am not his gf, so whatever. I get the feeling that he is pulling back now because the weekend was a big change for both of us.

Maybe, I am just making an exuse. It's weird because yesterday and Sunday we talked on msn and everything was fine (it was already after the cottage), but today he still hasn't messaged me, even though he is in away most of the time. I know he is having some kind of big project at his work now. But, again, I might be making an exuse.

Snafu:.

I thought about what you said, and you might be right. He is a very analytical person and could have played it all out. I know guys are usually very smart in terms of girls, and we lack to give them credit sometimes.  I decided to keep it cool and won't bring anything to his attention if he ends up talking to me later. I don't want to come off as a psycho girl, who is freaking out over him not messaging me. As I said, I am just going to continue dating (online dating with Match.com) others and see what happens. He knows I get tons of male attention, since I was hit on all night by the guys at the club, so it's not like I am going die without him.

I am willing to give him a little time, but if he doesn't initiate contact by the end of this week; then, I am just going to delete and block him from my msn and erase his phone number. It's only been a few weeks, and I won't let myself be upset about someone who I have only known for such a short period of time. Even though right now I am pretty bummed..

 .

 .

 ..

Comment #13

I think it's always good to be *prepared* for the possibility a guy will lose interest after you have sex, which is not the same thing as *expecting* it. .

In any event, I think your plan of seeing what happens by the end of the week is a good one..

Sheri..

Comment #14

"A guy losing interest after sex is always a possibility.  It's a risk you can reduce by waiting longer, but you can never completely eliminate itit's part of dating, unfortunately".

Aint it the truth?..

Comment #15

Sash...I know that being disappointed at the beginning of a relationship (thru Match.com) is a downer and it really squelches the excitement and momentum that one should be experiencing.  I've been there too.  Men sure know how to ruin a moment..

Dont make excuses for the guy but pay attention to his actions.  I agree, let him contact you.  I am surprised you are still giving him a shot, but you seem to feel that this weekend was an adjustment for him...in what way?  What is there to adjust to?  dating (online dating with Match.com) a woman and having sex?  This causes men to do stupid things like not accompanying a woman to a club and pulling away?  They need to grow up..

I also believe that it is not worth upsetting yourself over a guy who you have only known for a few weeks, but it is unavoidable that you are bummed out.  I would be too.  I wish you weren't because we all could use to hear a little good news for a change in the area of dating...

Comment #16

So, I have some news. He wasn't online the whole day yesterday, but I assume he blocked me, so I was over it. I made plans to go for a movie and a dinner with my gf. So, he called me while I was having drinks onthe patio, asking what was I doing later on. I told him I was going for a movie, but he could call me later in a few hours. So, he called me later again, and we met up at this beautiful restaurant on the roof of the highest building in Toronto. It was pretty romantic.

It was a bit akward to see him, but I didn't mention anything about him not being online or him not talking to me the day before. I was trying to play it cool. And, then we had a really stupid conversation. Since I am foreign (from Ukraine), we were talking about immigration issues. And, he made a few crass comments about people strip searching me, which really pissed me off.

I travelled a lot in my life and had to put up with some very nerve-wrecking immigration experiences and didn't think it was funny. So, I went to use the washroom for a minute, and once I came back, I left money for my drinks on the table, told him to have a good night, and abuptly left. It was a bit dramatic, but he really pissed me off. So, me and my gf were walking to the streetcar, when he called me and asked if I was mad at him. I said that he was really rude to me, and he told me that he didn't mean it.

Now I am at work again, and he is in away, probablyaway from his desk, or still home sleeping. Who knows. He could have gotten drunk last night because of how I left. Not sure what to make from this whole situation, but it was just plain weird. But, the fact that he called me yesterday 3 times does mean something, right? He must like me..

Comment #17

Hi sash96, you had an interesting evening.  I am seeing this guy as someone who is very fragile inside.  Men used to be creatures who we could lean on for their strength, support and admire their determination. Now they have become basket cases.  It seems that they feel the need to test us constantly now.  Why? Who the hell knows?  When you test someone and their affection for you - you appear to be fragile and needy and insecure...yet pompous...because you are assuming superiority and that the other person will not find out or figure it out..

Unfortunately for your man...I figured it out..

You can call him on this or you can let him go...your choice.  Yes, he likes you, but do you want to spend any time with a guy who will constantly test you and your devotion to him?  Absolutely not...he would be a complete drag to be with.  In addition, you would be trying to figure out his every move and wonder if you passed any tests. .

We all test people in our own way...but not every time we see them or with every call or make manipulative moves to see if they get upset if we are gone.  This is what this guy is doing to you.  He is obviously insecure.  That could be a complete turnoff to you..

Good luck with this one...

Comment #18

Hey snafu,.

You made an intersting point. I am a little confused though. How do you think he is testing me, like playing games you mean?..

Comment #19

<< I feel really used now, and it seems like I gave away my best card way too fast. >>.

Ok, now ... your age and immaturity are coming through (no offense).   See,  this is a result of how you're feeling about you and having had sex with him and it confusing you.   This doesn't have to do with him.  .

Plus, you were miffed that he didn't go to the club with you (instead, met you there ... big deal) the other night ... so, in an act of immaturity, you withheld (affection) and withdrew (ignored) him as a form of punishment.  That's playing games, my dear. .

So, he's likely not sure what you're thinking/feeling about him ... because of how you acted the other night ... and it probably has nothing to do with having had sex or being USED ... because you cannot be used when you're consenting ... people get that twisted ... feeling "used" after the fact simply because things didn't/aren't quite going your way ...

Therefore, you weren't used.  Don't get it twisted. .

If you want to turn this around ... call him and apologize for being aloof and 'miffed' (offended, your words) the other night and just be honest about your feelings ... you were feeling like things were moving too fast and that perhaps you had sex too soon and were confused by your feelings.  Own up to your feelings.  That would be the mature thing to do.  ..

Comment #20

<< So, I went to use the washroom for a minute, and once I came back, I left money for my drinks on the table, told him to have a good night, and abuptly left.  >>.

See above post.   Another act of immaturity.   If you want to have a successful relationship, you have to learn to manage yourself better ... learn to respond responsibly, not react irrationally.  .

This type of behavior will only fly with someone who is equally as immature or insecure.  A man who is secure and respects himself won't align with a woman who pulls this type of stuff.   He's seeing how you respond when you dont' like something or don't get your way.    Do you think your behaviors are/were attractive?  If not, he (or anyone else) probably won't, either.

<< the fact that he called me yesterday 3 times does mean something, right? He must like me. >>.

Yah, it means he's a wuss.  He doesn't think he can do better than align with a girl who likes drama.   Sorry, but ... it's true ... from you've described, your emotions have got the better of you on more than one occassion.  That's drama.   And most men don't tolerate it much.  But, the ones that do are wusses.  ..

Comment #21

Yup...games.  This is what I am hearing is going on out there with dating.  It seems that men and women are dropping their BF or GF at the drop of a hat for strange reasons...like disliking how someone blows their nose..or says something totally ignorant..or whatever.  So...men are being MORONS and testing women ahead of time. They feel justified in doing so..not realizing that they are ruining any potential at a real romance by doing something so idiotic.  So.. this guy says something crass about strip searches in front of you and others...do you stop dating (online dating with Match.com) him?  Technically...after what he has done...you have every right to never see the guy again...so what do they hope to achieve by testing women? Seeing if she is a doormat?  Seeing if she will take their crap?  These guys give us LICENSE to drop their sorry a$$es.  "Oh, in case you didnt know, I am a blooming idiot so I'll let you know up front by doing something crass and stupid and see if you stick around."  Yuck!!!  A definite turnoff and it backfires on them (hehe - good)...and if the guy who lurks after me is reading this...yeah...this means you TOO!.

Edited 9/20/2007 6:21 pm ET by snafu2006..

Comment #22

Hey Starbuck,.

I love  advices that you usually give, but I think that you went a little overboard with this one. I do agree with some points that you made regarding playing games, but to completely avoid games in the first phase of dating (online dating with Match.com) is impossible. You probably disagree with me on this one, but I just don't see how. If women give in completely and act according to their emotions; then, guys will do a dissapearing act all the time. That's why, it's important to play your cards right, especially in the beginning..

I do agree with you that some of my reactions were emotional and childish, but I wouldn't say that it has to do with my maturity, but with the fact that I have some issues that I need to work on. I do know that I am still young, and I react unhealthy, but it has to do with my past unpleasant experiences and my growing up, but not because I am a total drama queen. I think all women are drama queens to a certain extent. That's just how women are, in general. This is something I am working on at the moment, and I do agree that I have a problem..

But, I was also wondering how would you react to some crass comments that were made as a joke. If a guy asked you whether they stripped searched you or butt fingered you (as you see it in movies in the airports) during immigration issues, wouldn't you think it was pretty rude as well? Especially, when you do have to deal with a lot of sh*t from immigration authorities during your travels. Do you think it's right to confront him in front of other friends and demean his ego by politely telling him off in public? I didn't think so. I felt that it was better to leave with my friend when she was leaving, instead of sticking around there being all mad. Regardless, I am glad that we resolved this situation, but, seriously, it's not always that easy to properly communicate in such situations. It's easy to say, but hard to apply in practice..

I believe that you jumped to assumption way too quickly to judge me by a few posts that I had made, which talked about some of the mistakes that I had made with this guy. The same way you assumed that this guy is a wuss. I didn't think it was a wussy thing to call me 1) to ask what I was doing that night two days after we haven't spoken, 2) to call me when he was done with his dinner so we could meet up, 3) to apologize for the things that he had said as a joke. I think it was a right thing to do in that situation, so I completely disagree with you on this one.

Anyway, as I said, I think you give excellent advices, since I have been reading these boards every day, but I just don't want you to generalize me just because I might make similar mistakes that some other posters have made in the past.

But, fyi, things are going good between us now. He took me out for a dinner last night, and we had a very good time. Just talked all night, and I really noticed that he slowly started opening up to me. I do think that sex was a little early, but it's good to know that he is still willing to give us a chance and do it the right way..

XOXOXOX.

SasH.

 ..

Comment #23

If things are going good between you now ... that's all that matters.  But, no ... I don't agree that all women are drama queens to some extent ... and I don't agree that games have to be played in the first phase of dating (online dating with Match.com) ... I think that may be pervasive in our 20s ... that is the 'norm' to play games where we're younger ...

Games aren't necessary.  .

  I'm not sure how old you are ... and I don't think I went overboard by saying your actions were dramatic and immature ... maturity, also, has nothing to do with age ... people in their 40s can be as immature as a 21-y/o ... but, I think you acted rashly to something that was obviously a joke ... I can take and recognize a joke ...



But, no I wouldn't have been offended ... I mean, I don't see how something like that comment could be taken as anything OTHER than a joke.    So, now he knows your limits on certain types of humor ... and I hope you let him know that you wont walk out if your feelings are hurt about somethign again..

And no, the option would not have been to confront him in front of his friend.  Of course not.    See, that's why I'm questioning your maturity.   The obvious (mature) thing to do would have been to go on about the evening and discuss it with him later.

With maturity comes restaint and an ability to respond rationally when the time is right.   You said << I felt that it was better to leave with my friend when she was leaving, instead of sticking around there being all mad. >> ... you don't stick around all mad ... you just stick around ... brush it off and talk to him about later.    So long as you operate in a way that allows your emotions to control you ... then sure, yes ...

You simply excuse yourself to the restroom ... take a few deep breaths ... and let it go ... until you can talk with him about it later.

And the only reason I said he was a wuss because ... most men I know would not tolerate outburst-ish behavior ... putting your money on the table and walking out (paticularly in front of his friend) was not cool ... and in my experience, the types of guys that tolerate that sort of thing are wusses.  Or, they agree with you and believe that women are drama queens ... only because they haven't yet experienced women who ARENT dramatic and overly-emotional.   So, that's all they know and they 'take it' because that what their experience includes.    I call it as I see it.   Your experience and mine are different ... everyone's experiences are different.  .

But, again ... glad to hear that it's going well. ..

Comment #24

My credo is I always try to think about how I'll feel in the morning after - waking up next to someone I might not be ready to spend the whole night with..

,..

Comment #25


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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