Anyone using in San Diego?

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My question is: Anyone using in San Diego?.

My 2nd question is: I am a 39 yr old seperated woman with a 7 yr old daughter, I joined Plenty of Fish back in June and met a man on the site with in 2 days of joining.  We talked over email and msn till the end of August before we met.  When we did meet I immediatlely did not think he was my "type" but told myself that I needed to give him a chance....well it turned out he was exactly my type, just the opposite of what I would nomally go for which now I realize was the wrong guy. We've been dating (online dating with for 3 and a half months now, it's very difficult to find time to spend together with my child and his 2 kids (which he has shared custody with) also his job schedule makes it difficult to spend time together.  He is a very quiet, private person and I am having a hard time getting him to open up - in the beginning he was quite open, wuold send me cute little texts all the time, leave me goofy voice mail messages and then about a month ago he seemed to withdraw. And since we don't have a lot of time together its hard to know how he's feeling/  I asked him about it and he just said that his seperation (which is quite nasty) was very stressful and that was weighing on him and that everything was good with us.  Right from the beginning we both said we were looking for a long term relationship, neither of us want to play games, we also decided that it would be 6 months before we would involve the kids. Anyhow about 3 weeks ago I happen to go on POF to delete my account (I had suspended it but had never gone back in to delete it) I decided just to take a look to see if he had suspended his profile but much to my amazement it was still active and he had been online that day...I felt sick to my stomach.  I sent him a text at work to call me and that it was important...he called me and I confronted him about it - he admitted to being on it but had just clicked on a message that he had rec'd from a woman just because. So I came right out and asked if he was looking and he said no, then I asked if he still liked me and he said of course, and I said we're still on the same page about everything and he said yes.  I believed him.  THe past 3 weeks have been back to normal but then tonight I went back on POF (let's just call it womans intuition) and guess what he is online.  He's coming over tonight and I am not sure if I should confront him again about it or just ask questions in a round about way.  I've talked to my girlfriends about this and they tell me that with everything the 2 of you have going on if he wasn't serious about making this work he would have walked away a long time ago - he doesn't need another "hassle" in his life with everything he has going on.  We're both to old to waste time in a relationship (thru that isn't going anywhere. and for the most part I agree but it nags at me to think that he is on that site still.  Within 2 weeks of us dating I knew I didn't want to look for anyone else and I thought he felt the same.  Alot of the problem is that we don't get to spend enough time together...we see each other a couple of times a week, but for the most part he comes over after my daughter is in bed, stays over and is gone in the morning before she gets up.  We might actually spend 2-3 hours awake together a week.  With his work schedule every 9 weeks is when we will actually have a weekend that we can spend quality time together...and that makes it really hard to grow a relationship. He came to my work xmas party with me and we had a blast, everyone thought he was wonderful and commented on how happy we seemed together, he had to pull alot strings to get that night off from work which is another confusing part of all this  these kinds of things that he does - the things that a guy who wants to make a relationship (thru work do, or someone who cares about someone else does. He is such a wonderful, caring, affectionate guy that I don't want to lose him but if he's just playing games then I need to know but the problem is that he doesn't talk about his feelings. I can tell by the way he looks at me, hugs me, touches me that there are feelings there, and people that see us together can see it too, maybe he's just confused or scared.  We have this weekend together so I think it's time to get the truth out....good or bad..

Thanks for reading this....any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated...

Comments (4)

Dating (online dating with a separated man isn't a good idea as a rule.  Most separated people are in too much of an emotionally difficult and messy situation to be able to be good and healthy partners in a new relationship (thru (and you may well find you are in this category as wellI sure did when I was separated but not until after the fact.  I thought I was "just fine" to date using at the timeha!!)..

It's also not a good idea to assume exclusivityor at least I'm not seeing anywhere in your long post where the two of you specifically discussed and agreed to ityou talked *around* it, it sounds like but didn't specifically agree to be exclusive.  I also make it a point to discuss taking profiles down if we're going to be exclusive, so there's no question about it..

Bottom line howevera person who wants to be in an exclusive relationship (thru with the person they are with does not continue to have a profile posted on a singles website!  He may well have feelings for youbut he does not currently want to be in an exclusive relationship (thru with you or he would take his profile down..


Comment #1

The first 3-9 months of a relationship (thru is called infatuation. It's when everything about that person and being with them makes you feel great about yourself. Then somewhere between the 3-6 month mark, the infatuation starts to die down and that bubble of fuzzy warm feelings starts to fade and reality sets in. I would suspect that this is what happened when your boyfriend started to 'pull away'. I would also hazard a guess that if his separation is still 'weighing heavily' on his mind, then maybe the reality of a new relationship (thru with all the obligations and commitment that it entails has started to sink in and that has given him some cause to pause.My advice would be to back right off..Try not to decide that 'this is it' in terms of him being the one for you - you really don't know each other well yet; So be patient, go live your life and do things for yourself that make you feel good about being you. Let him pursue you for dates and contact - that is how you know he is into you.

Try and fight your impulse to seek his reassurance; neither of you know for sure whether this relationship (thru will go the distance, so try and take a wait and see attitude and let his actions speak for themselves.Best wishes,Coolas..

Comment #2

This is going to be hard but I would read guys by their actions, and not by their words.  That doesn't bode well for that guy you described right now..

If he cared about hurting you or losing you I don't think he'd do that.  It also could mean that he could be a nice guy, but he also might not be, or also more likely is looking for every bullet point on his list, i.e. expecting too much..

Also, whats good for him should be good for you, I would mention you're online still and let him sweat it out himself for a while.  Remember you are the prize not these dorks...

Comment #3

It all makes sense.....thank you!.

I showed your response to some girlfriends, they all agree too!..

Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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