Anyone using from San Francisco?

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My question is: Anyone using from San Francisco?.

My 2nd question is: Hello all, feeling a little bummed out about my situation, thanks in advance for reading, I promise it won't be too long..

It would be 2 years for me and my boyfriend this coming April of 2010.  We're both very happy together, financially stable and no emotional baggages, no kids or ex-wives/husbands or exes in general.  Im 28, he is 32.  We don't live together but we both own our own apartments.  He and I talk often about what we want out of life (careers, marriage, family etc)  We do want the same things and hopefully in a year or two since we feel we're at that perfect age to start settling down. However, our convos are very general, they arent specifically referring to "us" doing those things together but it's almost implied. To be honest I don't stress about it too much, because I know he is a good man. I know when the time is right, these things will happen, I don't need a verbal reassurance every day, his actions tell me we're in this together for the long haul.  Actually, we've had the baby talk numerous itmes before, if it happens it happens since we're financially stable and mature enough to deal.

Anyway, I guess I never really questioned our relationship (thru until now. Recently I found out some happy news from several of my friends.  Girl friend #1 - she's a 32 yr old divorcee, been dating (online dating with her bf for 10 months, he's also a divorce with one child, they're moving in together and getting married in Spring.  Girl friend #2 - she's 32, been dating (online dating with another divorce (no kids) for less than 6 months, they're engaged and getting married next fall.  Girl friend #3 - 28, moved in with her bf after a year, now also engaged and getting married next fall. Girl friend #4 - 29, dated her bf for a year and they recently bought a house together..

I don't know what it is, but I feel like everyone who is around my age, most of their relationships have been shorter than mine but are now all moving forward, and faster than mine.  LIke I said, Im happy with my bf but all of a sudden I feel like it's moving slow compared to everyone else, as if it hit a plateau.  I know I shouldn't compare my relationship (thru with other people's but I can't help it when everyone else' life is happening so fast and all at once around me.  When we have girls get together, everyone is talking about their engagement, moving in with their men, and I have nothing new to tell, sort of feel a little embarrassed that my relationship (thru doesn't seem to be moving forward.  I didn't think we had a problem until I heard these news from my friends, now I'm questioning mine..

How do I deal with this emotion?..

Comments (15)

A year and a half is not tremendously long. I understand how you feel but I hope there is a bigger part of your brain that knows your friends' relationships have nothing to do with yours. Them getting engaged or moving in together, even if it is faster than you, doesn't affect your relationship (thru at all. It doesn't mean anything.Can I suggest you come over to the Not Quite Engaged board under the Wedding section? There are lots of other people who feel the same way you do...

Comment #1

Thanks, I didn't realize there was a message board for that.  I'll post my thread over there..

And p.s. I agree with you, I know everyone's relationship (thru is different but I just feel "singled-out" and slow in comparison to what's going on around me...

Comment #2

It's not uncommon to feel the way you do, at all. Remember that you may actually have a better relationship (thru than some of them do, the label doesn't matter. I hope you can at least outwardly (if not inwardly) be happy for them! And even if you don't have an engagement or moving in to talk about, I'm sure your life still has some noteworthy points...

Comment #3

Ugh, I feel your pain. I am approaching the 4-year mark with mine, and we had one conversation where he told me that he did not want to marry. He said he would be with me as long as I wanted to, but like you, I am surrounded with women showing up with big rocks on their fingers, and glowing around with pregnancy. Weddings and babies, weddings and babies everywhere, and me 40, with a perma-BF. I talked to my father, the serial monogamist (go figure) who pointed out that I had to decide which was more important; the man or the piece of paper. Right now I'm choosing the man because we DO have a good relationship, I love him, he's super supportive and hilarious, the best lover ever, and we actually have very similar goals in life and see each other IN our lives.

I wonder how long I can deal...but then again, which is more important? The man or the paper? Plus I know quite a few couples who never married and have been together forEVER.I struggle onward. But it sounds like you guys are a little further along, at least you HAVE plans for kids and stuff, so that's good. Be patient and hold on; like another poster said you guys probably DO have a better relationship (thru than those girls that are rushing down the aisle.sigh. But just know there's someone out there who knows how you feel. Maybe not how to deal with it, but I can totally sympathize.sigh..

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #4

I know this is not your post but I just wanted to ask you a question:  Are you happy? I was with a man who didn't want to be married. I loved him so much that I convinced myself that I was ok with that. Then after a while I started to resent the fact that he didn't love me enough to give me what I wanted all my life. Then I shift the blame on MYSELF because I was settling. I left him after 3 years of dating (online dating with then I met my husband a year later. Now I'm happily married.

I knew we were not compatible because I wanted a different life than him. If someone were to ask me that question at the time I was with him, the answer would have been "I want that piece of paper".  I knew deep down inside I couldn't be somebody's GF for the rest of my life. I was walking in your shoes once upon a time and I'm curious if you are truly happy...

Comment #5

OK the red is a bit much. But yes, right now I am happy, and right now I will "settle" for this. There is no blame, there is no acrimony, but it works right now. This may change in a year or two or next week, but for today, right now, yes, I am happy, thanks for asking..

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #6

From what you post 2 of your Girlfriends already have been divorced. It doesn't seem like they learned their lessons. They are rushing right back into another marriage. Never envie somebody else's relationship (thru because you don't know what it's really like on the inside. You only know what they tell you.  Your marriage might last longer than any of theirs because you took your time and really got to know one another. Marriage is such an adjustment that you will appreciate the fact that you took your time.

My Mom always say "Everything happens in it's own time not before". Patience has it own reward and yours will be a long lasting marriage...

Comment #7

Sorry, I love bright colors. As long as you are happy that's what matters...

Comment #8

One thing I've realized in this whole struggle with "am I happy or not," is that a huge part of this struggle and this piece of paper has to do with what we are fed from the moment we can comprehend language; and even before. We are told a story, and this is the way it goes: You are a beautiful princess (or some version thereof), and when you grow up you will find a handsome prince who will sweep you off your feet, marry you, and you will live happily ever after.If you deviate from this, you are bombarded with instant negations of your happiness* he's not buying the cow cause you're giving him the milk free* if he REALLY loved you he'd marry you* if he's not moving heaven and earth and sacrificing everything he doesn't really love youAnd neither of these scenarios allow for a couple that genuinely cares for and loves each other and are just happy to be in each others' lives. There has to be an Ultimate Goal, there has to be a Plan, and in real life, there isn't always a plan. We're not going to have children (OMG if I had a kid right now I'd be parenting teenagers in my 50s), so there's no rush to build that stability. I'm in school, he's starting a new career, so it's enough to work out ourselves and support each other and love each other without "following the pattern."I think that pattern, that plan, that "that's just the way it goes and if it doesn't then Something's Wrong" along with the media (movies, books, radio, love songs) really sets a couple up for failure in a way. Like, if you don't get married you're "less than." It's an ongoing internal dialogue I have, and 40 years of "you have to be married and make babies" is hard to tame down with the successful "never been married and happy to be that way" stories which DO exist.

But I would rather have the man in my life while I figure it out. He enhances and contributes to my experience in many ways.

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #9

Have you thought that the problem is your friends and not you?  Them getting married so fast before really getting to know a guy seems a little bizarre to me.  I'd at least date using a guy 2 years before starting to think seriously about him in regards to marriage, kids, moving in, etc... but maybe this is because I'm in my early twenties?  I just think your friends have known their guy too short of a time, and may be rushing into things.  The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009.

No Contact = No New Hurts.

Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes..

Remember: Out of sight, out of mind...

Comment #10


I see your point.  I always thought that I would rather have a man's undying devotion to me rather than a piece of paper saying "I'm his wife and I'm entitled to him".  Don't get me wrong, I want to get married, and of course, dream of being a "wife" someday.  But to me, my ultimate goal is not getting the paper, and the "rights" married couples get, but the love of a lifetime. .

For example, why do you think so many spouses cheat?  And the betrayed spouse is always so "mad" because she's the "wife" and that's "her marriage".  But to me, if he cheats, ther is no love, so no longer a relationship (thru between two people.  No longer a marriage because someone decided they wanted something else.

But each his own I suppose.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009.

No Contact = No New Hurts.

Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes..

Remember: Out of sight, out of mind...

Comment #11

You know llostagain, that is exactly what started putting me in the frame of mind that no marriage might be ok. No, it's not what I PREFER, but the point is that he's with me, and he loves me, and he treats me with love and respect. I see so many people that are married and they are so incredibly disrespectful to each other, and in front of other people! And it just kind of made me realize that marriage does not necessarily = successful relationship. Illustrated over and over again by my ridiculous family, as well. So yeah, it's a puzzle. And a puzzle I'll do with him, and if at some point I need paper more than him, well I'll kick him to the curb, lol!.

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #12

Can I ask, are you still indefinitely long distance?.

Absolutely 100% support the no marriage/no children thing. To an atheist (me) all marriage is is a piece of paper with a stamp on it. Am almost 40 myself, with bf for almost 6 years, living together half of that time and more than happy for  it all to stay exactly the same for the rest of our lives together.

Indefinite LD though.. that's another story. I couldn't do it...

Comment #13

Indefinitely as in "for right now" and not "forever". I'm going to be in school for 3 more years, he is trying to get established (at 40) in a new career. So he's not stable in a city yet, and I am not leaving my job because I have worked at the University for 20 years and there are just too many benefits to lose to go with him and pay out of state tuition and not even be sure that that's where we're going to be. So indefinite for now, but not for always (which is the meaning of indefinite, lol). It's just not practical, ESPECIALLY in today's economy. For one, my department lets me dictate MY schedule according to my class schedule, for 2, I get 1 class/quarter for $20 under the state benefit, and, of course, I have full medical and dental.

It's complicated! I know what you mean about "couldn't do it" though. My first boyfriend was long distance and after him I swore I would never do it again. When I found out this Boyfriend might be leaving town for work (we were together over a year before he left) I swore I would break up with him rather than do long distance. But he's just a keeper and I couldn't let him go. <3 Anyway, time will tell, nothing is written in stone, and for now this is just the way it has to be until I graduate.

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #14

OK so I don't think you need to worry.  I am 35, single and no boyfriend, not any in sight.  A good friend of mine just got married for the 1st time at age 40, she and her guy had dated for 5 years, he proposed and they were engaged for 1yr. and were married 10/3/09.  They are very happy.  Hang in there!  P.S. I caught her boquet!!..

Comment #15

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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