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Anyone using Match.com from NYC?

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My question is: Anyone using Match.com from NYC?.

My 2nd question is: I met a wonderful man online. We've been talking almost every single day online.

We've dated and had a few sexual encounters. He maintains that he wants to see where things could go with us. But he also says he wants to take things slow. He admits that he has no 'emotional attachment' to me but there is potential for a future together. He says he's just making sure things are right before making any emotional investments, but makes no promises. His profile is still up on the online dating (online dating with Match.com) site where we met.

Lately, he's been a regular noshow without explanation. It could be that it's summer, and he has other things he wants to do. Thats fine, but he knows Im waiting. I think thats rude.

A few days ago, he said his job situation might cause him to have to move away. For some reason, I think this is just a ploy to get rid of me. But Im not sure. He says he wants to continue to see where things can go in the meantime. (until he knows if he has to leave or not).

Im confused as to what to do on my end. I admitted that I do have an emotional attachment and he says thats ok with him that I do. Sometimes I feel like he wants to keep me around and emotionally attached, but doesnt want the committment of reciprocating any emotional investments.

I recently emailed him explaining how I feel. But havent heard from him since. Did I make a mistake? I know as women, we are programmed to share feelings. Guys seem to want us interested but dont want us to expect to feel anything.

I dont want to give up, in case he is genuine. But the cynical side of me thinks Im being played like a fool.

What can I do?.

Kelly..

Comments (9)

I did talk to him about what I expect after sex. I was very clear that an emotional attachment is necessary for me. His response was "thats how it should be".

I realize that it's not necessary for a man to connect emotions when having sex. Women do. So thats why Im having a hard time understanding if this is just me being insecure or not. I dont want to sound like Im trying to rush things either.

So how do we know if the guy is in it for real or if we are just being played? should I keep how I feel to myself, or should I be able to tell him without scaring him off?..

Comment #1

Well lets ask a few questions but first tell you you are not a fool. First question...do you expect a comittment when sex is involved. You talked about emotional conection..that doesnt mean comittment. It sounds as if you are getting him to do this now which means you are doing a thing that says he will change. Just guessing OK...men dont change until they want to and you cant make them. The more you try the more they resist and run..

Second how long have you been seeing him???.

 ..

Comment #2

A committment...well, to some extent I do. I guess when a relationship (thru Match.com) gets to that level, I expect it to become part of an investment towards building something together. I don't have 'rules' per se, but I do expect him to make some efforts towards showing me that Im valued in some way. Does that make sense? Why does anyone take that step in a relationship? Its not just because of physical needs or to hook him into a committment. But because we feel a level of trust that implies that what we're willing to share will be appreciated on an emotional level.

 So, when should we expect that? He really hasn't done anything wrong, he just isnt exactly falling all over himself either. When I find someone I really like, I do things to let them know how I feel. I try to make an effort to see them, to make them a priority. With him, he doesn't really make an effort, but will see me if/when he has time. Again, I dont know if Im being selfish or in a hurry...as far as I know he's just spending time with friends and family. He might be seeing other women, I dont know.

I consider it betrayal at this level if he is.

We've been talking online for 6 mths, our first date using Match.com was on valentines day. We average about one date using Match.com per month. He thinks it's still very early to make any decisions towards a committed relationship (thru Match.com) because we're still getting to know each other. But he has no problem including sex in our dates.

What should I do?..

Comment #3

Everythiing you have said it true. You should be valued and you should show it as well as be shown. so you have gone out maybe 6-7 times in 6 months....you are traveling down an emotional road you shouldnt. I agree he hasn't done anything wrong. He is moving slow and you want to speed it up. Seeing him once a month can in no way build anything from what you want by what you have said.

So I would walk and move on...

Comment #4

I think your instincts are right onhe wants to keep you attached and have sex with you, but doesn't want the oblligations of being in a relationship..

I don't know that you've been played for a foolit doesn't sound like he's made any promises or mislead youbut it does sound like you're looking for more than he's capable/willing to give..

Sheri..

Comment #5

'...When I find someone I really like, I do things to let them know how I feel. I try to make an effort to see them, to make them a priority. With him, he doesn't really make an effort, but will see me if/when he has time. '.

When a man finds a woman he really  truly likes and whom he's into, he will do things to let her know how he feels. He will try to make an effort to see her and he will make her a priority. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case with this man. He doesn't have feelings for you, he isn't really into you but he will keep you around until he meets the one he truly wants. Sorry but this is the conclusion I come to from what you've posted..

 'Taking things slow' and 'seeing where it goes' is man speak for 'let's just have sex ok? - I'm waiting for a bigger and better deal'. Again, sorry but this is what I  believe is happening here. I would not bother with him all that much. If you want to keep him for no-strings fun, please do but don't make a big thing out of a sexual fling - if that's all you are to him, why should he be more to you?? You've got to move on with your life and date using Match.com other men - otherwise you'll have no chance of meeting someone who WILL be THAT into you and who will want a serious ltr with you. Wish you all the best...

Comment #6

Yes, I think this is what I knew all along but didn't want to acknowledge. I believe you're right. Thanks...

Comment #7

Sex clouds the issue, especially for women.  You feel an intimacy that the "relationship" doesnt warrant at this time. Go on and live your life and whatever happens happens.

,..

Comment #8

I think you're right that I'm feeling an intimacy that the relationship (thru Match.com) doesn't warrant right now. I think it's natural for a woman to feel that way. The problem with me is, I expected him to feel the same way. Since he doesn't yet, shouldn't (IMO) indicate that the relationship (thru Match.com) is doomed.

I think my mistake was that I put too much pressure on that expectation and it either scared him or turned him off.

He hasn't said "No" to me, I just sense the distance. He might be trying to get rid of me the easy way. But he might also just be trying to create space to ease the pressure.

Perhaps if I ease up and just allow our conversations and my behavior to go back to how it was before I started feeling this way, maybe he'll be more receptive instead of distant. What do you think?..

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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