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Anyone in Quebec using Match.com?

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My question is: Anyone in Quebec using Match.com?.

My 2nd question is: It's been four months since things ended with a fellow and I cannot stop thinking and obsessing about him. I'm 31 and this is the first time this has ever happened to me. It's very disquieting. I'm depressed and full of anxiety every day. I'm not in contact with him (this is the ex who tried to set me up on dates with others). I've been dumped before, many times in fact.

Why is this time different? I'm having a super hard time getting over this guy. I feel like a teenager. We dated for such a short time and I can't stop wishing he'd change his mind. I know better but my emotions won't get in line with my brain. I'm so frustrated and beside myself..

Comments (13)

Here's my answer to your question: Anyone in Quebec using Match.com?.

What are you doing to try to move on? Do you have a good support group of friends and/or family? Are you actively outside the house doing things you enjoy?..

Comment #1

I have been keeping very busy. Trying to get everything else in my life in line hoping that will help somehow. Been going to see a lot of comedy shows at night. Going out with friends. Anything to take my mind off of this guy. I just can't seem to shake it.

Some of my friends and family are giving me horrible advice. They are telling me to chase after this man. My mom was even joking that I should marry him. I'm trying to not talk to these friends right now too. He just seems like everything I had been looking for.

And I worry I wont find someone like him again. But he has a huge FLAW and that is that he doesn't want to date using Match.com me. And that FLAW cannot be overlooked. Because I know I am worthy of someone who wants me. My heart just feels broken in a million pieces...

Comment #2

Hi Mary,I respectfully suggest that you really be mourning a "dream" and not him, specifically. "I put him up on a pedestal because I don't know him very well. And I worry I wont find someone like him again."You didn't know him well and you are afraid you won't find someone like him again. So it was maybe your thoughts/feelings about him you were the most interested in (that's what I mean by "dream.")This just may be your opportunity to realize you have a very clear idea of what you are looking for. And, if you know what you are looking for you have a great chance of finding it. Hope this helps,WT..

Comment #3

I believe that you can fall in love quickly like that..

I did when I was in college.  I met a boy, knew hima month, made a mistake and it was over.  I didn't stop thinking about him for years..

The thing is...there is only one choice for you now.  The only choice is to go on with your life and make your life as happy, fun and nice as you can.  .

This is also the only way he will come back IF it was meant to be in any way. .

If you chase him, he will just get more and more turned off, disgusted and repelled by you so you MUST go on as hard as it is..

Once you move on...you will seem more attractive.  If there is any chance he will give you a try it will be when you move on and focus on you and make your life good. .

If not, then you must let it go it was not meant to be..

The advice from you mom and others...in the future I wouldnever pursue men.  Learn to flirt and be "open" but don't pursue..

I am sorry you are going thru this...many of us have been there. Sometimes hard lessons but you can take them to the next relationship..

 .

 .

Soliel..

Comment #4

You need to reposition him in your mind and heart differently.  You are stuck and chasing after this guy isnt going to get you anywhere if you have already discussed the issue.  If you have told him your feelings and he said he doesnt reciprocate them .. then you need to let him go.  Try to day dream and envision life without him so that you can develop new ideas about your future.  I know it hurts to love and not be loved in return but it happens quite frequently and those people end up meeting new people and having happy lives with them...

Comment #5

I recently had a similar experience. I was with a guy for about 4 months, it was VERY intense. I had to break it off because I wanted a commitment (not sleeping with others, not dating (online dating with Match.com) others, see where this would go...), he didn't and I really want to be with someone who wants to be with me full-throttle.Our break up was very difficult because we got/get along great. But there was no future because he had so many reasons, deep seated emotional stuff, that I couldn't help him with. Neither of us wanted to break up, but for my sanity I had to.I was so rough...and I'm 45! It killed me on a daily basis. The hardest part is that I have kids, so I couldn't wallow in it, I couldn't just cry when I needed to cry.But here is my theory on why it is so hard...I think with some people you develop a unique connection.

With my guy, he really got me. He was so comfortable talking to me, why I can't say. He had many, many flaws that looking back at it I know it would have ultimately been a disaster.After the breakup we would back and forth a text here and there, nothing deep. One night last week, I needed some serious advice about something going on in my life and I knew he was the one to understand, so, on a lark, I sent him a text. He was at my house in 10 minutes giving me advice.

The next day, a long email following up on the advice with more texts with more advice. But I haven't talked or communicated with him since Tuesday.This is where my theory came from. He met a need I had...someone who "understood" me and could be very helpful. The whole package...not so good. So the "mourning" could be that your boyfriend, somehow, satisfied an important need for you and you miss that special link to him.Give it time...it will get better.

It was a godsend for me...

Comment #6

I have not told him how I feel. I don't think that would do any good, the man has been trying to set me up on dates with others. The only thing sharing my feelings would accomplish would be to make him feel bad. So I am keeping them to myself and hoping enough time and space will heal my heart. Its just so frustrating! I want a magic wand to make it go away so I can just be friends with him and not have this heartache. But instead I have to avoid him and be rude and ignore him.

I want to skip this part...

Comment #7

This is normal obviously you loved him or think you loved him.  What you are going through is the grieving/healing process after a breakup.  You are in the grieving stage.  Let it happen, cry when you need to be alone with your thoughts, cry on someones shoulder if you want.  Dont try to rush this process.  You will eventually experience other emotions, you will get angry, you will be happy, you will be sad.  Allow all this to happen, it will take time and you have to take it one day at a time.  There will come a time when you will start feeling better and become happy again.  Take this time to do things for you, it's you time.  Go shopping, go out with gf's or family, find things you like and are interested in and do them.  At this time dont even entertain the idea of dating (online dating with Match.com) or meeting and seeing other men.  Once you are through the process you will be a much happier and knowledgable woman about yourself and your feelings.  You will have discovered want you want and dont want, this will take a lot of deep thinking and soul searching on your part, but do it.  When you have reached the end of this process you will know it and then you will know in your heart and head that you are ready to move on to dating (online dating with Match.com) again.  You will have gotten rid of any baggage and will know your needs in a relationship.  The time period is different for different people but this process usually takes at least a year..

I am sorry you are hurt and I wish the the best..

 .

 .

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My next door neighbor.

Wants to ban all guns.

THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #8

I think a few sessions with a therapist could help you see what this breakup is triggering. Good luck.

,..

Comment #9

Yes you need to keep busy, doing nurturing things for yourself, being with people who truly care for you.

,..

Comment #10

'...How long will these stupid unrequited feelings last so I can move on and have some focus back!!'.

IMHO and (significant) experience only, the best way to get over one man is to get yourself another. You can spend the next year reading self-improvement books, going to therapy, writing out your feelings, seeking support from friends, going for manicures and shoe shopping  etc etc etc - none of it really does anything at the end of the day, it will not go away until you're happy with a bf again. Four months is long enough considering that you hadn't  been together long. Just get out there. Go places. Do things, meet people. When you've met the next Mr Right the one you're pining for now will truly become history...

Comment #11

I disagree with this advice. I don't want to use another man as a bandaid. Then you aren't dealing with why you can't let go. That's something that should get healed before dropping the same crap on someone new. I know I wouldn't want to date using Match.com someone who hadn't fully healed yet. Oh wait, I did.

It really just takes time and introspection. The more time that passes, the less wonderful he seems. And the more my confidence builds and I realize what a doofus he was and how he missed out on something great. I don't have any desire to date using Match.com a doofus.I know a lot of people who are serial daters because they want to make themselves feel better and have a quick fix. But ultimately you aren't dealing with what you need to before you move onto someone new and your patterns that were unsuccessful will just continue...

Comment #12

You can't make someone want you. But perhaps it would be worth a couple therapy sessions to see why you are obsessing about someone you barely know. And tell your friends and mother to let it be - you don't want advice to pursue him, that's not healthy for you to hear right now..

 .

Good luck.

,..

Comment #13


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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